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AIBU?

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Original poster

How many times do you host if unrecipricated?

43 replies

Merrymeerkat · 18/08/2023 22:15

Evening ,

AIBU to have got a bit fed up of hosting one of my friends for weekends!?

About 15 times in last 3 years, generally 5 or 6 times a year. Can't recall before that how often, 18momths ago she moved back in with family so can't host herself now , but didn't when she had her own place before as she said it was too small.

If she comes for the weekend I cook, clean and I think approx 4 times in the last 3 years she has paid for a meal out, rest of the time I either cook or pay.

She is often asks to stay for a break from family.

Im getting tired if it as it seems very one sided, I did gently say recently I couldn't afford to pay for everything when she stays and we go out and she got pretty offended !

OP posts:
Original poster
Merrymeerkat · 18/08/2023 22:15

Sorry for typos

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 18/08/2023 22:19

I would have stopped after 2 visits.

You are not responsible for her life choices. She can stay in a hotel if she wants a break from family not treat you like a hotel. In your shoes I would not offer again and if she asks say you need a break from hosting but are happy to meet for an outing or lunch. If she gets offended that’s on her

Saz12 · 18/08/2023 22:22

Shes your friend, so tell her you cant afford to host. Sh's welcome to stay, but needs to pull her weight financially and practically.
EG she does online shop for weekend, it gets delivered to yours and you pay her back for 50% of the shared stuff.

LizzieSiddal · 18/08/2023 22:27

I too would have stopped after two visits and have done.
We had a friend who would come for the weekend. He was single, Dh worked during the day, I had two Dc under 5 and he used to sit on his arse all day and expect to be waited on hand and foot and not lift a finger, not even clear his plate from the table. Second time he did it I told dh never again.

Don’t be a door mat, say no.

Original poster
Merrymeerkat · 18/08/2023 22:28

Thanks , yes good ideas !

She is welcome to stay if she wants but she will need to clean up after herself and pay her way, I've suggested we each pay halves in future and that's when she got offended and told me.she would host me but it wasn't possible so I felt guilty !

OP posts:
Original poster
Merrymeerkat · 18/08/2023 22:30

LizzieSiddal · 18/08/2023 22:27

I too would have stopped after two visits and have done.
We had a friend who would come for the weekend. He was single, Dh worked during the day, I had two Dc under 5 and he used to sit on his arse all day and expect to be waited on hand and foot and not lift a finger, not even clear his plate from the table. Second time he did it I told dh never again.

Don’t be a door mat, say no.

Sounds like my friend ! Treats it like a holiday so sits around expecting me to make cups of tea and make meals.!

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/08/2023 22:37

I think it's hard as a guest to know how much to help as some people want to do everything themselves. But if it's a good enough friend that she feels she can ask to stay you can also tell her you don't have energy to cook etc.

When I have had people to stay (when I lived abroad in fun city) I didn't supply anything except tea and coffee and I showed them where I kept it (i had a lot of guests and I was working usually when they stayed) I also showed them where the little supermarket is so they could get their own favourite breakfast stuff in and then we'd usually eat out in the evening together (I'd expect at least one of those meals to be on them as they were saving £100s of pounds on hotels with me!)

I stayed with a friend recently who has moved to a beautiful part and she gave me pizza one night and I treated her to a pub dinner the next night. I stripped the bed before i left!

There is no reason at all to go into mega hostess mode for a good friend that doesn't do that kind of hosting for you

Patchworksack · 18/08/2023 22:38

Merrymeerkat · 18/08/2023 22:30

Sounds like my friend ! Treats it like a holiday so sits around expecting me to make cups of tea and make meals.!

Show quote history

Sounds lovely? Can I book in?

Seriously though - either she hosts in return or takes a big share of any costs/hassle involved in her staying at yours. Be too busy the next time she asks.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/08/2023 22:39

When people say 'expect to be waited on' are they actually asking or are you just bringing them lots of food? Can you say 'the breads in there if you want to make a sandwich if not there's a tesco down the road'
I have a baby and if someone was staying with me I'd ask them to pop out to the bakers for sandwiches 😂 but if I made a lovley meal and lots of cups of tea I'm sure they'd accept and feel rude if they didn't, it wouldn't mean they were treating me like a waitress if I offered

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/08/2023 22:41

Ps I miss the bit 'I said I can't afford to pay for things when we go out and she got offeneded' ok I take everything back now she is very rude!

UsingChangeofName · 18/08/2023 22:43

sit on his arse all day and expect to be waited on hand and foot and not lift a finger, not even clear his plate from the table.

Well, if your friend is like Lizzie's description above, then YANBU to not want her to come back, but, to answer your question more generally, I don't really count, with friends.

I have one friend where it made sense I drove to hers and stayed with her each time, as (due to all our combined circumstances) it just made sense for both of us that way. I have another friend who always used to come and stay with us, and I have never stayed at hers. Again, without outing myself on here by listing all the circumstances around the decision, it just made sense for her, and it made sense for me. I have someone else that we do tend to be more evenly balanced.

However the point is, nobody takes the mick and sits around expecting to be waited upon.

There is also the point that petrol (or even worse, train fare) usually costs more than any extra food I would provide for one more person to stay with me.

Original poster
Merrymeerkat · 18/08/2023 22:47

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/08/2023 22:39

When people say 'expect to be waited on' are they actually asking or are you just bringing them lots of food? Can you say 'the breads in there if you want to make a sandwich if not there's a tesco down the road'
I have a baby and if someone was staying with me I'd ask them to pop out to the bakers for sandwiches 😂 but if I made a lovley meal and lots of cups of tea I'm sure they'd accept and feel rude if they didn't, it wouldn't mean they were treating me like a waitress if I offered

Tricky one, she will say o let's have a coffee or cup of tea or wine etc and will then stay on the sofa and look at me !

Breakfast I either cook or order in and dinner the same, so it's an expensive and tiring weekend by the time she has left!

Usually she is the one asking to stay for a break , I haven't invited her , if I had I would have no issues hosting etc

OP posts:
Therealjudgejudy · 18/08/2023 22:54

She’s treating your house like a free hotel.

She sounds like a user

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/08/2023 22:55

Is she paying a lot on train fares? If you used to live closer and split costs she may be thinking 'I'm the one spending money travelling to catch up' although uninvited she might assume that 5 times a year is appropriate to see her best friend.

IF you enjoy her company and want to keep seeing her regularly and your home is the most convenient location for you, then you can either

  • offer cheap breakfast like cereal or toast and say help yourself
  • have pizza for dinner or something else cheap
  • say 'I'm going to do bath bedtime now could you pop round the corner to the little tescos and grab us some wine and pizza/ stir fry stuff'
  • say it's take away do you have just eat app can you order while I get our drinks
  • ask her to transfer half for the take aways
  • a week or two before she arrives or when you agree to the visit ask if she's
Coming can she do the (insert what she likes to cook or something easy!) that you love one night and you'll sort out the other evening.

I'm going to be harsh on you here and say your friend may only expect this as you have set a bit of a precedent here but it can easily be changed!!

If you don't want to have her at yours you can suggest getting a train to somewhere in the middle, or put her off to later in the year.

Very solvable!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/08/2023 22:56

Merrymeerkat · 18/08/2023 22:28

Thanks , yes good ideas !

She is welcome to stay if she wants but she will need to clean up after herself and pay her way, I've suggested we each pay halves in future and that's when she got offended and told me.she would host me but it wasn't possible so I felt guilty !

But host doesn't have to mean pay it just means provide a bed!

Squishmallowy · 18/08/2023 22:57

I don’t mind hosting for friends if they haven’t got enough space but they always bring nice gifts and half the time we will meet up at a restaurant or pub

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/08/2023 22:59

I think you can set the tone with 'help yourself please I always forget to make tea' or like my auntie always says 'I'll do your first drink, this is where they are, I'm going to be too drunk to remember to offer soon so you'll have to sort your next ones out yourselves!'

Original poster
Merrymeerkat · 18/08/2023 23:01

Thanks everyone

She is offended at the moment as I told her we would have to go halves on drinks and eating out if she stayed again as I can't afford to pay for everything any more

We will see if she still wants to stay if she has to contribute to food and drink but I do get that it costs her money to get to mine

OP posts:
drpet49 · 18/08/2023 23:04

How dare she get all offended. Honestly OP your so called is a complete user.

LizzieSiddal · 18/08/2023 23:21

She’s offended because you told her she’d have to pay for her own food and drink? Bloody hell what a cheeky nightmare.

Ella31 · 19/08/2023 00:00

God how is she offended. I'd be mortified if I treated a friend the way she treated you.

UsingChangeofName · 19/08/2023 00:26

Well, I'd find it a bit odd if a friend said there would be a bill to stay with them.

But I am very much of the thinking, if a friend stays with me that I show them where the cereal is kept, show them where the bread is and ask them to help themselves to cereal or toast, so that is only a few pence. then it doesn't really cost a huge amount more to make a meal - say a lasagne - for 3 than it does for two. Even with 2 lots of breakfast, dinner and tea it would cost me less to feed a friend than it would for a friend to spend on petrol to get to me.

It is the expecting to be waited on that would have made me raise an eyebrow, but then I would have sorted that out the first time they visited.

Original poster
Merrymeerkat · 19/08/2023 00:41

UsingChangeofName · 19/08/2023 00:26

Well, I'd find it a bit odd if a friend said there would be a bill to stay with them.

But I am very much of the thinking, if a friend stays with me that I show them where the cereal is kept, show them where the bread is and ask them to help themselves to cereal or toast, so that is only a few pence. then it doesn't really cost a huge amount more to make a meal - say a lasagne - for 3 than it does for two. Even with 2 lots of breakfast, dinner and tea it would cost me less to feed a friend than it would for a friend to spend on petrol to get to me.

It is the expecting to be waited on that would have made me raise an eyebrow, but then I would have sorted that out the first time they visited.

I agree, if we were just talking tea and toast etc it would be no big deal!

Im talking full English for breakfast and dinner and drinks out, she doesn't want to eat in that much as it's a mini break for her , so prefers to eat in a restaurant , have in the past suggested various options I could make at home but she has always said rather go out. This is why I have said in future let's pay for ourselves , I can't afford to keep paying for both of us ! And it's not as if we can take it in turns and she pays when I stay with her, as she can't host

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 19/08/2023 00:49

It's my sister who hosts my family every other year for a week at Christmas. I tend to buy the groceries about two thirds of the time (there's three on her side, three on mine) and we share the costs of meals out, though I occasionally treat.
If I was staying at a friends house regularly I wouldn't expect them to pay - certainly not if going out! I'd offer to share cost of groceries and make sure to either cook a meal or take them out as a thank you.

Choux · 19/08/2023 08:32

she doesn't want to eat in that much as it's a mini break for her , so prefers to eat in a restaurant , have in the past suggested various options I could make at home but she has always said rather go out.

So she she effectively says. 'No let's not have pizza and wine at your house which will cost you £20 from Tesco. I want you to take me out for pizza and wine which will cost you £60+. I want my mini break experience'.

Hell no. Costs for visiting a friend should generally be split. Guest pays for travel to see host. Host provides food and drink for at home consumption. For any meals out, activities and drinks each person pays their own costs. People may choose to vary that eg if one person is frequently a host the guest may pay for them to have a meal out on occasion or if a guest has made a very expensive journey then the host may treat them to something to compensate.

Question: what gratitude and thanks does your 'friend' show you for treating her to an all expenses paid mini break every 2 months? Is she actually appreciative? I usually take some nice chocs or champagne as a thank you for hosting me. Plus pay for own meals out. And do return hosting for every visit I make. Give and take. Not take, take, take.