Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

How many times do you host if unrecipricated?

43 replies

Merrymeerkat · 18/08/2023 22:15

Evening ,

AIBU to have got a bit fed up of hosting one of my friends for weekends!?

About 15 times in last 3 years, generally 5 or 6 times a year. Can't recall before that how often, 18momths ago she moved back in with family so can't host herself now , but didn't when she had her own place before as she said it was too small.

If she comes for the weekend I cook, clean and I think approx 4 times in the last 3 years she has paid for a meal out, rest of the time I either cook or pay.

She is often asks to stay for a break from family.

Im getting tired if it as it seems very one sided, I did gently say recently I couldn't afford to pay for everything when she stays and we go out and she got pretty offended !

OP posts:

FrenchBoule · 19/08/2023 08:55

Stop being a doormat and tell her you can’t afford her visits.

She’s a user not a friend. Friends don’t make demands. Friends enjoy time spent together.

Her expectation of you are not your obligation to meet.seeing as she’s living with family she should have plenty of money to spend.

She’s a CF (Cheeky Fucker), scrounger and free loader with no manners or zero social awareness.If she wants mini breaks she should pay for them herself,not expect anybody (you) to finance them.

She wants to eat out- fine if you can afford it,each of you pays for herself.
If you can’t afford it stay in,she can go out. If she wants to stay in and enjoy food and drink she should conribute to it.
Good manners is to treat host as a thank you,not trying to freeload off them.

Be blunt and direct.True friend will apologise,move on and comply.
CF will huff and puff.

Original poster

Merrymeerkat · 19/08/2023 09:01

FrenchBoule · 19/08/2023 08:55

Stop being a doormat and tell her you can’t afford her visits.

She’s a user not a friend. Friends don’t make demands. Friends enjoy time spent together.

Her expectation of you are not your obligation to meet.seeing as she’s living with family she should have plenty of money to spend.

She’s a CF (Cheeky Fucker), scrounger and free loader with no manners or zero social awareness.If she wants mini breaks she should pay for them herself,not expect anybody (you) to finance them.

Be blunt and direct.True friend will apologise,move on and comply.
CF will huff and puff.

Yes I have done that! She has been quite irritated by it and hence I wondered if I was being rude saying if she stays again we will have to pay for ourselves if we go out!

OP posts:

Choux · 19/08/2023 09:03

I am imagining your friend having another 2 or three friends like you and her visiting you all on rotation and having paid for meals out every week or two.

Presumably she moved back in with her family to save money and with you and any other similar friends funding her social life she is saving a ton of money. In a year or two she'll surprise you by buying a new car or flat as she has been saving like crazy while you bankroll her.

readingismycardio · 19/08/2023 09:04

Merrymeerkat · 18/08/2023 22:28

Thanks , yes good ideas !

She is welcome to stay if she wants but she will need to clean up after herself and pay her way, I've suggested we each pay halves in future and that's when she got offended and told me.she would host me but it wasn't possible so I felt guilty !

CF of highest order!

Choux · 19/08/2023 09:05

what gratitude and thanks does your 'friend' show you for treating her to an all expenses paid mini break every 2 months? Is she actually appreciative?

GameOverBoys · 19/08/2023 09:06

I like hosting and have a bigger house than many of my mates so I host a lot. My friends always bring their own drinks and often some crisps/cake etc. if we had a takeaway or a meal out we would pay half each. No way would I cover all the costs.
It’s crazy that suggests going out then expects you to pay! absolute CF!

Original poster

Merrymeerkat · 19/08/2023 09:07

Choux · 19/08/2023 09:05

what gratitude and thanks does your 'friend' show you for treating her to an all expenses paid mini break every 2 months? Is she actually appreciative?

She does usually text on her way home and say she has had a lovely relaxing break.

OP posts:

Choux · 19/08/2023 09:09

She invites herself 6 times a year, turns her nose up at eating at home as she wants to go out but refuses to pay her share.

I'd be questioning the entire friendship not wondering if I was being rude by asking her to contribute. Is she fun to be around, a good support in a crisis, a valuable friend in some way? Otherwise why bother with her and her CFery?

Choux · 19/08/2023 09:12

She does usually text on her way home and say she has had a lovely relaxing break.

So she's had a lovely relaxing break. That's why she visits - to relax away from her parents. Nothing about how nice it was to spend time with you. She's telling you what she is all about. Listen.

MilkofMagnesia · 19/08/2023 09:41

You need to end the friendship.
You were very gracious but as soon as you asked and rightly so for a contribution she has been awful to you. If I was in her position I would be very grateful for the break and try and pay for everything because you were putting me up.

I am interested in how long you have known her and how.

JMSA · 19/08/2023 09:44

Non-reciprocators were my biggest parenting bugbears!
It's incredibly selfish.

Original poster

Merrymeerkat · 19/08/2023 09:52

It's tricky, most people who stay for the odd weekend ok I am happy to host and provide everything, as they do the same when I stay with them.

But she can't reciprocate, as staying with her family so it's taken me a while to say hang on in that case you need to pay your way when you visit

OP posts:

pizzaHeart · 19/08/2023 09:52

Merrymeerkat · 18/08/2023 23:01

Thanks everyone

She is offended at the moment as I told her we would have to go halves on drinks and eating out if she stayed again as I can't afford to pay for everything any more

We will see if she still wants to stay if she has to contribute to food and drink but I do get that it costs her money to get to mine

I wouldn’t allow her to stay anymore. It doesn’t look like she is going to change her ways.
And you’ve been absolutely saint so far hosting her for so long so patiently.

MimiGC · 19/08/2023 10:13

If you want her to come and stay, just be clear in advance ie we won't be going out to eat this time. Those are your terms and she accepts or declines accordingly. It won't be the kind of break she has become accustomed to, so she may well not come. Your friendship will then have to continue on different terms (meet half way for a meal in a restaurant) or it will fizzle out.

FrenchBoule · 19/08/2023 11:16

Her reaction tells you everything you need to know.
She’s irritated because you question her entitlement.

”She’s had a lovely break”. I bet she had. You are the one financing it though.

OP,the relationships are not transactional but it should be equal give and take. There’s no balance in relationship with your “friend” as she just takes,takes,takes while paying you lip service.

I have been skint in my life,I had (and still have) skint friends. There’s no expectation of providing anything. Time spent with friend is precious,walking is free and jam sandwich is cheap.

What are you getting from this friendship?

UsingChangeofName · 19/08/2023 12:57

I agree, if we were just talking tea and toast etc it would be no big deal!

Im talking full English for breakfast and dinner and drinks out, she doesn't want to eat in that much as it's a mini break for her , so prefers to eat in a restaurant , have in the past suggested various options I could make at home but she has always said rather go out. This is why I have said in future let's pay for ourselves , I can't afford to keep paying for both of us ! And it's not as if we can take it in turns and she pays when I stay with her, as she can't host

Well YABU for not laughing at her the very first time this was suggested.
I mean, who would do that ?
If staying with a friend, if I wanted to go out to eat, I would say "Shall we go out tonight, my treat?". Or, what we used to do at one friend's is always have a takeaway and we'd split the cost. Anything that isn't 'turn and turn about treat' would normally be 'split the cost'.

I can't understand why you would take her out and pay for her when she is visiting you in the first place.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/08/2023 13:03

Merrymeerkat · 19/08/2023 09:52

It's tricky, most people who stay for the odd weekend ok I am happy to host and provide everything, as they do the same when I stay with them.

But she can't reciprocate, as staying with her family so it's taken me a while to say hang on in that case you need to pay your way when you visit

Yes I think you need different rituals for different friends. I have some I split bills with, some it's 'what did I order let's just pay for what we ordered' and some 'it's my turn to treat, I'll get the next one ' (and I do)

She does sound pretty cheeky - if she doesn't bother to visit you know you know where you stand with her!

Do you actually enjoy her company when she's there btw?

Original poster

Merrymeerkat · 19/08/2023 18:25

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/08/2023 13:03

She does sound pretty cheeky - if she doesn't bother to visit you know you know where you stand with her!

Do you actually enjoy her company when she's there btw?

Show quote history

Thanks , yes this is the route I have decided to go down.

If she can't reciprocate hosting then we must pay our own way if she wants to visit and go out to eat. Otherwise it's very one sided !

She is good company and until she got irritated when I said above I assumed it just didn't register with her that the hosting was very one sided, we will see if she wants to visit for a break if it's not all inclusive!

OP posts:

Flip

1 2