Dating a man with a disabled Mother

[NameChangerAlerter]

I am mid 20’s and have been casually dating a man of the same age for the majority of the year. Things are going well and we really get on as we were friends for a few years prior to this. Recently things have started getting a little more serious and before I even think about advancing things I have started to assess the logistics of the situation.

He lives with his Mother who is disabled. She is in her early 50’s. I have met her a lot and she is a lovely woman, however very frail. Some days she is up and about and can manage the local shop by herself, tidying the flat (they live in a council flat having been placed here after she got sick) and cooking dinner. However sometimes she gets very sick and has to spend long stints in hospital (longest period 6 months). She falls a lot and he often wakes to find her sleeping on the floor as she has fallen and shouted to wake him up but he hasn’t heard, she has a fall monitor but doesn’t like wearing it. She also has a walker she doesn’t like taking out with her and this has resulted in more serious falls.

She hasn’t always been sick, she fell ill as he left university and this then stopped him from leaving home as when she was released from hospital she needed care. He then didn’t go on to seek a career in his chosen degree as he needed something with a great degree of flexibility to work about her appointments etc so works hospitality where he can easily swap his shifts. He has siblings but they live in different cities with families and offer no help with his Mother so the default care has landed on him. She does have a social worker but no care package.

I live by myself and have a secure salaried job.

He has told me he wants to pursue a relationship with myself and talks about wanting to move out and get a job in his chosen career but he isn’t sure how to navigate it with his Mother. I do really like him and would like to be with him however I am very apprehensive about the situation. I would never want to drag him away from his frail Mum, especially if something was to happen to her whilst he wasn’t there. I also know I probably can’t be number one priority to him, even though he says I can be and he is sick of having his life out on hold. Every time he talks about moving out she starts to cry and says who will look after her. He does go out and we go on lots of dates, weekends away and he has left for a week before to go on holiday and she has managed with visits from her friends and her siblings who live close by.

She isn’t terminal, just really sick so potentially she could be needing care for another 30+ years. I don’t want to get myself into a situation where as the only female involved, care starts to fall on myself also.

I feel awful for even thinking like this but AIBU for being apprehensive or should I just give it a shot? If I do are there other factors I should be considering?

Honestly? No.

I think this is too much drama to become involved with. Thank him for a nice time and move on.

(Incidentally, is your boyfriend the youngest of the siblings?)

He is. He lived at home whilst at university so was still living there whilst she got sick (in his final year). Everyone else had left and moved to the city at least an hour away from the small village we live in.

unless you are prepared to become at least in part her carer or accept that what you can do with DP in the future will be rather limited, pull out. I have 2 DC with disabilities. There is no help from social services. no support, nothing. I imagine, it won't be much better in the adult social care sector. If it's not for you (and I wouldn't actively chose this) then cut your losses, and move on. It's a real commitment otherwise which will in the long run affect every single aspect of your life. Go and live it instead.

I feel so sorry for him!!! What a lovely son. He sounds so nice. But I wouldn't want a life like this either. I really wouldn't. But he sounds lovely and it will be hard for him to meet a life partner. I'm amazed his mum doesn't want more for him. It's a lot for her to accept - she must see the impact on his life.

Mother needs a proper care package which she is entitled to and which will only happen if her son moves out and moves on. He can still be involved and care about her, but he cannot take full responsibility for her care as he has a life to lead and will struggle to find anyone to share it with him - girls will think as you do, very sensibly.

As a mother, I would not wish my son to do this. I did not have my children for them to look after me, but for them to lead enjoyable lives. I am a disabled mother of AC and they know that I take responsibility for my own care needs, but am happy to accept their help on a casual basis - but it is not their responsibility.

Imo he rips off that plaster. Just because she gave birth to him she has no right to expect help.
Suggest he contacts the local council for outside help.

If he is serious about this, he needs to help her sort out support/sort out support for her if she can't...

If he doesn't do that, then I would probably cut my losses, because he's going to prioritise her over you every time (short term he doesn't seem to have done so but its early days...!).

Unless you do not mind being roped into looking after her, and want to live there/near there the next potentially 30 years...

If you were my dc I'd hope you'd walk away (and I say that as someone that became disabled when dc were in primary school). As a mother I would never want my dc to not pursue a career, move out, not do something because of my disability.

The mother sounds manipulative, crying asking who's going to care for her is not his responsibility. She needs to look at carers, adaptions etc. It also sounds like your boyfriend cant/won't stand up for himself and so things won't change.
What would happen about you living together, having dc, would he be there with you or would he always be running back to help mum? Think carefully about your future, talk to bf but look at his actions as well as his words (he may want it but may not action it). If you go ahead with a relationship you need good boundaries, you need to set a date to review it and be ready to end it. Make sure he makes changes before you make a commitment.

Don't feel.bad for thinking this. I would feel the same. If this had happened after you had been serious fir a few tears I would say that it is something yi8u would probably accept. As this is nor the case, iwoykd think very carefully. U will never have the freedom to do.as you wish as a child free couple. I do think by default, u would end up taking on some of the caring duties, which may be something you do not , understandably, want to do. I hope things get sorted OP.

The care needs alone wouldn't put me off, but the fact that she doesn't want to wear a fall alarm whilst also crying about who will look after her seems like potential red flags for an unhealthy and manipulative relationship with your boyfriend feeling obliged to sort things out.

He sounds lovely so if you're serious about him could you say that he needs to sit down with his mother and siblings, get a care plan in place before the relationship can progress.

There needs to be a firm plan implemented with family, including boundaries, before you move further.

They need to involve adult social services to sort out some sort of care arrangement. It can be done - my friend's daughter is in this situation. She wanted to take up a job in Europe so not able to come home every evening.

I'm sure your bf mum won't want to stifle him (and he needs to get out while he's still young).

Wouldn't bother. You'll never be his priority.

YANBU
If he wants to move out and start a career in another field then that's his issue to navigate. Not put that on you.
I wonder if he said that expecting you to offer to help with his mum? (Sorry, I'm a cynic)

He could get her a PA (it's basically a carer not an admin person lol, they're called PA as well), not sure how or if there is funding for that, I remember years ago I almost got a job as PA for a professional lady with all sorts of mobility issues.
But that's for him to look into.

I'd give it more time and seriously investigate alternative care/living arrangements where she has carers and he (and maybe you) see her regularly.

The way they respond will give you the info you need as to whether they are emotionally enmeshed or just got stuck in this way of doing things.

If it is all drama and no progress, you'll be able to move on knowing it was never going to be right.

He has no job and is going to be stuck being his mums carer till she dies. He will either never move in with you or will want to bring her too. I’d run a mile.

The other siblings who live not so far away should step up and help or arrange help for their mum, allowing their young brother to have similar life opportunities to themselves. A proper care package should be pursued with the support of the social worker and it sounds like a visiting/entertainment rota could be arranged for mum amongst her various relatives and friends.
Whatever you decide to do OP I really hope a long term support system can be put in place for your boyfriend's mum to allow both her and her son lead more normal lives.

I think you should give it more time. If she has only quite recently become so I'll it maybe that she hasn't had time to adjust.

Thank you for all of your replies, truly. I was worried I was going to be flamed for feeling like this.

My own Mother has health problems and was medically retired at the age of 40, so i‘m not totally uneducated on the matter but someone with this high level of needs is completely foreign to me and I will admit there is a lot I don’t know.

We haven’t properly defined our relationship (totally down to me, I have kept pushing him back saying I just wanted to see where we go), so I do worry about raising certain things with him as I don’t want to over step my boundaries (such as her crying when he mentions moving out, but I do understand this is scary for her), although we do see each other very often and feelings are now strong which is why I feel like I’ve come to a personal cross road.

I have tentatively mentioned contacting her social worker when he talks about moving out but obviously I can’t push this and honestly I don’t know what support is available. I am at the age where I no longer want to date for fun and want to settle down and I’m just concerned if I started a family with him we would never be priority. He is a great guy though and treats me really, really well. Much better than most men I’ve been with.

Is his Mum open to carers?

Ive seen this destroy my Dad as he took on all the care.

I would never get into a relationship in this situation.

Good luck

I mentioned in the OP he has a job. Just not in the field he studied in.

I have a good male friend like this. Lovely guy in his early 40s who had moved out with a gf in his 30s. They split up and he temporarily moved home while he looked for a new place.

Stepdad then tragically died and he decided to stay a bit longer and support his mum. 6-7 years later he's still there and she doesn't want him to move out as she struggles to turn the key in the door etc. She's only in her 70s and has no disabilities apart from being overweight and very unfit. Totally sound of mind.

She's lovely to speak with but tbh I feel she's selfish as he'll never end up getting married and having a life of his own. Older sister is ten years older and lives in London with husband and kid. Only visits few times a year.

YANBU to be concerned.
Theres several things, firstly him taking a massive caring role for his mum and secondly his mum being able to control him via emotional manipulation. Sounds like a horrific and toxic mix.

Id be honest and direct with him if I were you, in hopes that he takes action to get more independence.

Has she requested care via the local authority? Sounds like a horrible situation for your partner but I would be making sure I didn’t get dragged in to it.

It depends how determined and committed he is to his future plans. If it's all just talk , pipe dream ,one day kinda thing... honestly,don't bother.

If he's actually looking into things, doing his research, making concrete plans (that include a home carer not just him) then I'd give it a go if everything else is right.

Sounds like she could cope with a carers through social services and your BF could actually try for the life he wants. However she will probably guilt trip him to stay and it will be misery all around. His siblings have pulled out, and he has already done his part so he shouldn’t feel guilty or responsible. My mother would never except me to ruin my life to be her full time cared. But unless he makes a clear plan to escape, I would also be escaping!

I’m not really sure how open to carers she is as I have only delicately realised the topic with him once or twice because I don’t really want to turn it into a “it’s me or your Mum” or to say I can’t be with him because of his Mothers needs because that would be awful for him to hear. I also don’t want to inadvertently insert myself into the situation and end up with responsibilities I was trying to avoid.

Having read all your responses on the thread I know I need to be more proactive towards the situation and perhaps sit him down for an uncomfortable chat about it, which I really don’t want to do. Then I can weigh up all of my options and see where I go from here.