Dating a man with a disabled Mother

[NameChangerAlerter]

I am mid 20’s and have been casually dating a man of the same age for the majority of the year. Things are going well and we really get on as we were friends for a few years prior to this. Recently things have started getting a little more serious and before I even think about advancing things I have started to assess the logistics of the situation.

He lives with his Mother who is disabled. She is in her early 50’s. I have met her a lot and she is a lovely woman, however very frail. Some days she is up and about and can manage the local shop by herself, tidying the flat (they live in a council flat having been placed here after she got sick) and cooking dinner. However sometimes she gets very sick and has to spend long stints in hospital (longest period 6 months). She falls a lot and he often wakes to find her sleeping on the floor as she has fallen and shouted to wake him up but he hasn’t heard, she has a fall monitor but doesn’t like wearing it. She also has a walker she doesn’t like taking out with her and this has resulted in more serious falls.

She hasn’t always been sick, she fell ill as he left university and this then stopped him from leaving home as when she was released from hospital she needed care. He then didn’t go on to seek a career in his chosen degree as he needed something with a great degree of flexibility to work about her appointments etc so works hospitality where he can easily swap his shifts. He has siblings but they live in different cities with families and offer no help with his Mother so the default care has landed on him. She does have a social worker but no care package.

I live by myself and have a secure salaried job.

He has told me he wants to pursue a relationship with myself and talks about wanting to move out and get a job in his chosen career but he isn’t sure how to navigate it with his Mother. I do really like him and would like to be with him however I am very apprehensive about the situation. I would never want to drag him away from his frail Mum, especially if something was to happen to her whilst he wasn’t there. I also know I probably can’t be number one priority to him, even though he says I can be and he is sick of having his life out on hold. Every time he talks about moving out she starts to cry and says who will look after her. He does go out and we go on lots of dates, weekends away and he has left for a week before to go on holiday and she has managed with visits from her friends and her siblings who live close by.

She isn’t terminal, just really sick so potentially she could be needing care for another 30+ years. I don’t want to get myself into a situation where as the only female involved, care starts to fall on myself also.

I feel awful for even thinking like this but AIBU for being apprehensive or should I just give it a shot? If I do are there other factors I should be considering?

I think it's time for serious talk op.

Regardless of you, he has a right to a life. I'd talk to him about what he wants and how he'll achieve that. Just packing a bag and moving out will never work. Sounds like he needs to sort down with Mom and the SW and say look, I can't do this, I need to have my own life too, what are the options. It sounds like she needs supportive living really.

I'd base my decision of my future with him on how he deals with this now.

I feel really sorry for him. He's only in his mid 20s and his life has already ended really. He'll never be able to have the freedom to have a fulfilling career, a long term relationship or children if almost every waking moment is devoted to his mother. He won't have freedom until his mid 40s or 50s and by that point it's too late to start a family. His mum needs to find alternative care and actually help herself. My parents would never allow me to give up my life to be their full time carer.

I'm quite seriously disabled. I have two children who are just finishing university.

I'm now divorced and have been living on my own for the last couple of years.

I have an electric wheelchair, a manual wheelchair for when I'm up to it. There are chairs every couple of meters in my house so I can sit down if needed

If I'm too ill to cook I use deliveroo or Tesco delivery ready meals. If I'm too ill to shower I use dry shampoo and wipes to clean myself.

I prefer to cope on my own but in future I might get a personal assistant to help me if my disability deteriorates.

She will be able to cope on her own, she just doesn't want to. If there is some money to throw at the situation (wheelchairs etc) that would help, but fundamentally he needs to be prepared to wean her off his help, which she won't like.

she has a fall monitor but doesn’t like wearing it. She also has a walker she doesn’t like taking out with her and this has resulted in more serious falls

This (along with the crying and “But who will look after me if you leave home?”) business, is a red flag for me. Obviously her physical condition is awful and she needs a lot of help with physical tasks and mobility, but she also sounds like someone who is incredibly unwilling to assume any responsibility for even the things she is capable of, such as basic safety and life admin.

She is physically disabled but she is still only in her early 50s and also, I assume, has no cognitive impairments or learning disabilities? She is capable of speaking to her social worker and getting a care package put in place for herself.

From your description, it sounds as if she acts more like a confused 95-year-old woman, rather than a woman in her early 50s who happens to have a disabling condition. It is not up to her son to find care solutions for her in his absence when she could make applications for funding and support. At no point should her son have been expected to give up his future to look after her and the fact she has let him do this (and now cries whenever he suggests it’s not feasible) does not make me think highly of her.

Unless your boyfriend moves out and has a more normal mother-son relationship with his (still actually quite young) mother, your lives as a couple will essentially revolve around her and her needs and he will always put her first and will always give in to emotional blackmail. I would not pursue a relationship with him unless he can take a step back from his mum.

fact that she doesn't want to wear a fall alarm whilst also crying about who will look after her seems like potential red flags for an unhealthy and manipulative relationship with your boyfriend feeling obliged to sort things out.

This^
What is she actually doing to help herself? What treatment is available for her condition, medication? Physiotherapy?
Is her condition progressive or is she expected to improve with treatment.

Harsh as it sounds the mum needs to take some responsibility for her own health and care needs going forward snd if there's no prospect of recovery then she needs carers to help her, it's very unfair to expect her DS to be caring for her forever

You need to talk about where this is going and if he can have an independent life, the lack of wanting the fall monitor and carers, and the potential for this being a very long term thing would raise a lot of flags, and I'd consider if this is something you want to be dealing with long term. I'd walk away and I say this gently as someone with disabilities and currently young DC. I wouldn't want my dc (and anyone they date/marry in the future) to give up a career, housing or an independent life for me, their life and independence is far more important.

He sounds lovely. His mother is very selfish. I hope he can work out how to get her the support she needs before she ruins your relationship and his life.

From what you've said the mother needs to take some responsibility of herself. Wear the alarm, use a walking aid, prevent further incidents. There are services that can help her, I feel for your bf he's trapped and unable to live his life, he's young and she needs to step up a bit in her own care.

I’d pull out. You are too young for this sort of compromise.

Do him a favour though, and say to him that he’s a great bloke but he needs to get this sorted or in 30 years time he’ll wake up to find his life gone. I would also point out gently his mother is not helping herself.

She needs a care package. She also sounds able to live alone - not using your walker and not wearing a fall alarm is unacceptable - she could easily make herself sicker with a bad fall.

He may we’ll sort it, but he needs to make that decision on his own for it to be real.

Wishing you the best OP. My tale is slightly different, but my MIL’s needs cast a very long shadow on my marriage, and I am not entirely sure my DH realised or accepted the extent until MIL was near the end .

You are right to be wary and to want to clear this now, before investing more of your precious life in this relationship.

Tbf it's not really a you or his mum situation, as he really needs to do this for himself and actually get to have a life. That is entirely up to him though, of course.

My concern would be that she's emotionally manipulative, he's a mummies boy and they are both emotionally dependent on each other. Tell him he needs to get a proper job and she needs to have carers in place before you'll consider taking this any further.

You really don't want to be caught in the middle of this mess though - because if he does ever leave then she will blame you and that could also be a very miserable life for you if she is nearby and he feels guilty.

You need to have a good chat with him.

I have given end of life care to a relative, whose decline took about a decade. It starts off as odd bits but as time passes the pressure dials up.

This is not something I would enter into lightly. His Mum could live into her 90s. If you stay with him this is going to affect your ability to work, travel, where you live, having kids.

TBF he needs to think about it anyway even if you two don't stay together. Otherwise he's going to end up losing his youth and opportunities.

He sounds like a very decent and caring guy and a keeper

the situation is tough though, and yes you will have to be having a fess we uncomfortable conversations…. It would be good to move out and get social care arranged

I think if it was me I would be suggesting to him that for his own sake he needs to make changes in his life regardless of how your relationship progresses. As others have said, it’s really not acceptable or normal for his (young) mother to have put him in this position. He can start to make plans & give her notice of his intentions. Of course she may take this badly & ask him to leave straight away.

I would not contemplate taking the relationship forward until he has extricated himself. If he won’t do this you probably have to accept the relationship does not have a future.

Yeah he needs to move out. Totally unreasonable of her to demand anything else. If he isn't receptive to that in the near future it would suggest they are enmeshed (and I'd be wondering why he hasn't done anything about moving out yet, and why he has started to make potential life decisions, different career etc) - and you need to move on. Fast. Sorry.

I emigrated to the UK to be with a lovely disabled man I had meet here on holiday.
I looked after him and his elderly parents for years, they died we got engaged he quietly quit the relationship.
He didn't need me anymore and has left me in financial strife the point I'm trying to make is that if you commit to someone you have to take precautions to protect yourself financially and they can end the relationship as much as you could.