Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to confront DS about a suspicious substance in his bag?

39 replies

Snoopymum · 18/08/2023 15:45

I had written a loooong message which disappeared when I tried to add an image of the stuff in question. I will summarise now because I also need to get back to work or I risk being sacked... but I AM worried.

So: 21yr old DS, possibly ASD (never diagnosed) but high functioning, very turbulent as a teen, expelled from school for a few days here and there (changed schools as we searched for one that was equipped to deal with him). Depressed and medicated by age 14, he seemed to have come out of it a better adjusted. Was quite successful academically and able to go to a good uni, his first choice and Russel group. Has a long term girlfriend, and many friends with whom he seems comfortable and who seem decent people, mostly uni students but a few already working. Not so social when he's home, he spends long hours in his room on his phone or gaming, little interaction with me, DH or his siblings, joins us for meals then disappears again. I guess this is all pretty much normal behaviour for a young man his age, more or less.

But I worry about him as he's had to go through a lot and I think he gets exhausted trying to cope with our slightly chaotic home/lifestyle now he's used to having his own place. He reacts quite disproportionately when things happen without warning, his routine is disrupted etc.

Also relevant here is that we have found him lying abundantly in the past, so now I find it difficult to trust him.

However, he's been quite open about smoking weed, he knows both DH and I did at his age, so I am not judgemental but do worry about his MH, and his health in general. He tried to hide the fact he vapes, but eventually we spoke and I explained the reason why I am opposed to vaping is the lack of evidence/research/controls etc. and he knows I would really really like him to try and stop.

Now he's had a bad cough for weeks, has tested negative for COVID, and seems to not be able to shake it off. GP prescribed antibiotics and a cortisone spray but no improvement... He told me he's not smoking or vaping.

I haven't seen him showing any changes in his behaviour or appearance, no pinprick or excessively dilated pupils that might make me suspect he was high on something, but he does spend quite a bit of time "out with friends"

While he was out I went looking in his bag for any evidence of weed or vaping and instead found this little grip seal plastic bag with a chalky white powdery residue in it, didn't seem fine enough to snort (but that I wouldn't know as I haven't done it myself!). I licked a tiny bit and it was salty/unpleasant but not bitter. Had the impression that it might once have been a crushed tablet of some sort...(If you have any suggestions please enlighten me!)

And this is the question:

AIBU thinking I was justified searching his bag, given what I found, and should I talk to him about it, try to understand how heavy his use is, or should I just be ashamed for snooping/not trusting him and avoid mentioning anything openly, (also knowing that whatever I say might not have any impact on his future behaviour)

If you have made it to the end... TiA for reading and sharing your opinions.

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 18/08/2023 15:48

I think he's a grown ass man and it's none of your business, unless he is doing something you don't like in your home.

bananaboats · 18/08/2023 15:50

You seem a bit over involved. He's 21 not 12 why are you going through his things?

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 18/08/2023 15:51

Oof he's 21 and you went through his bag?

He is entitled to privacy so I do not agree with that. I would have been furious if my parents did that at that age.

But you've done it now. I wouldn't tell him that you know, but I would speak to him about what you accept in your home and drugs is not one of them.

Annaishere · 18/08/2023 15:55

Maybe speed or cocaine. They don’t taste of much

TheCatterall · 18/08/2023 15:55

It’s probably coke if in a tiny baggie.

My sons friends do it and he’s stoped having them round as he’s fed up of their behaviour whilst on it. I mean really sitting in his room on coke… what’s the point.

It’s become more of a norm in sections of society. :/

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 18/08/2023 15:55

Also, I know plenty of people who tried/did drugs in their late teens/early 20s. Many of whom, now as adults, don't touch them, barely even drink, have homes, jobs and/or partners/kids. It isn't guaranteed to end up being the worst case scenario.

I think you need to repair your relationship with him.

Annaishere · 18/08/2023 15:55

I wouldn’t worry too much. Maybe he’s using it to study with ?

Iam4eels · 18/08/2023 15:59

If it tasted slightly salty then it's possibly GHB, aka the date rape drug, as it has a salty, unpleasant taste.

There are two issues here though. One is that he's a grown man and has a right to expect some level of privacy which includes you not going through his private belongings, his bag in particular would be private. The other issue is that now you've done it, you need to tell him and you need to ask him about what you've found. If it is GHB then the pressing question is whether he's taking it or whether he's using it on other people.

Iam4eels · 18/08/2023 16:00

If it was coke then you'd have a numb patch where your tongue/gum touched it.

Maddy70 · 18/08/2023 16:00

Sounds like coke, ket or speed.

Pretty normal stuff for a 21 year old adult

He's fine. Leave him alone. If you hadn't been snooping you wouldn't know.

Its unlikely he's going to turn into Pete Doherty(even he's clean now!) relax.

Find a way of talking to him about his attitude towards drugs in general

mibid · 18/08/2023 16:10

Cocaine does have a bitter taste and the patch where you licked it would be numb.

It could be ketamine although that is chalky, it was likely a crushed up pill or something less common these days like speed.

Agree with previous posters though that you are totally out of order going through his things. Leave him be.

LBFseBrom · 18/08/2023 16:14

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 18/08/2023 15:55

Also, I know plenty of people who tried/did drugs in their late teens/early 20s. Many of whom, now as adults, don't touch them, barely even drink, have homes, jobs and/or partners/kids. It isn't guaranteed to end up being the worst case scenario.

I think you need to repair your relationship with him.

Same here. It's quite funny when I see them now, in their forties, pillars of society.

OP, you should not have gone through his bag.

Annaishere · 18/08/2023 16:15

I think you should talk to him about drug safety rather than just saying he shouldn’t do it. I would buy test kits as well

Iam4eels · 18/08/2023 16:16

Speed, ket, coke, etc all have a bitter taste. The only one I can think of that's salty is GHB, it has a salty, soapy taste.

It's more than likely innocent, OP and it's literally salt, I have a little baggie of salt in my backpack for days out, but it depends where your red line is on trusting that's it's nothing.

Fearnecuptea · 18/08/2023 16:18

That's mental that you licked it...? Obviously a drug of some kind, really unnecessary for you to try it 😂
As per previous comments, your son is 21, I can't think of any reason where it would be acceptable to rummage through his belongings.

Nagado · 18/08/2023 16:23

What would you have done if you had found evidence of weed or vaping? It’s absolutely none of your business if he’s vaping and you have no right to know if he’s doing it or not. And you’ve lost the moral high ground over him smoking weed. Why would he take your concerns seriously, knowing that you did it when he was your age?

DMRCFNEGC · 18/08/2023 16:24

He's 21, why on earth are you going through his stuff!

How would you feel if he went through your stuff?

Lenald2512 · 18/08/2023 16:25

As a cocaine addict in recovery I’ve never found it’s tasted salty.

Leave it alone, even if he is experimenting with drugs it doesn’t seem to be causing a problem in your home and life.

Findyourneutralspace · 18/08/2023 16:27

I don’t think you should have gone through his bag.
If he’s under your roof it’s fine to have a zero tolerance policy where drugs are concerned, especially if you have younger children, but it doesn’t sound like you’ve witnessed any adverse affects behaviourally.
You might not approve of vaping but it’s legal and actually endorsed by the NHS as a way to quit smoking so searching his bag for evidence isn’t really on.

ManateeFair · 18/08/2023 16:41

I find it incredibly weird that your response to your adult son having a cough for a few weeks was to go through his bag as if he was 10 years old.

The 'suspicious substance' you found could be anything - unlikely to be coke or speed if it didn't taste bitter, and I think GHB is usually liquid.

Just because it had a powdery, gritty residue that doesn't necessarily mean it actually contained a powder anyway - it could have been a bag with a few pills in it that have got bashed about a bit and left a residue. Loads of drugs come in pill form, obviously, and there's a trade in prescription-only drugs like Valium and Ritalin (the latter quite popular with students to keep them going through long study periods apparently).

Ultimately, I wouldn't confront him because although he is your son, he is a grown man and there's nothing you can do about it. Ditto his vaping. He's an adult.

RedHelenB · 18/08/2023 16:43

bananaboats · 18/08/2023 15:50

You seem a bit over involved. He's 21 not 12 why are you going through his things?

This. He's an adult.

Original poster
Snoopymum · 18/08/2023 17:10

I hear you, a very unanimous thumbs down for Snoopymum! I am not at all proud of myself for having done that, and I understand that if I confess, he will never trust ME again, so I will keep quiet, maybe find an opportunity to have ANOTHER conversation about drugs, even though we can hardly define them conversations, it's quite hard for me to get him to engage/interact.

Just to expand a little on my frame of mind while I was looking: wishing him the speediest possible recovery we have spent a small fortune taking him to private specialists about this cough, so it would really annoy me if I found that against doctors' advices he was still smoking/vaping...hence why the impulse to "check" if he was lying again.

Re class A drugs, I guess I am terrified because two very good, unsuspecting, happy families we are friends with have lost teenage children to drugs, in different circumstances, not related at all. They are now both very broken families (one couple divorced blaming each other) I guess because it was so unexpected, they both were young adults who seemed well adjusted and happy... and I know he is neither, and I feel like I have failed him because I didn't insist enough to have him diagnosed, and I think he's missed out on a whole lot of help he COULD have got, and instead ended up, wanting to die, with a psychiatrist ...so yes, I AM hyperprotective, and feel totally inadequate.. I guess I knew when I wrote my OP that I was wrong going behind his back, and I need to learn and let him make his own mistakes, but needed to tell somebody, and hoped other mothers would understand.

So thank you for taking the time to tell me your opinion, and inform me on which drug it might have been. It definitely did not numb my tongue so I guess I can exclude cocaine. The possibility that it's GHB opens up another can of worms... I really hope I haven't raised a rapist! 😱

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 18/08/2023 17:15

I notice that only the "cool" mumsnetters have replied and are minimising the OP's concerns.

Lenald2512 · 18/08/2023 17:17

Snoopymum · 18/08/2023 17:10

I hear you, a very unanimous thumbs down for Snoopymum! I am not at all proud of myself for having done that, and I understand that if I confess, he will never trust ME again, so I will keep quiet, maybe find an opportunity to have ANOTHER conversation about drugs, even though we can hardly define them conversations, it's quite hard for me to get him to engage/interact.

Just to expand a little on my frame of mind while I was looking: wishing him the speediest possible recovery we have spent a small fortune taking him to private specialists about this cough, so it would really annoy me if I found that against doctors' advices he was still smoking/vaping...hence why the impulse to "check" if he was lying again.

Re class A drugs, I guess I am terrified because two very good, unsuspecting, happy families we are friends with have lost teenage children to drugs, in different circumstances, not related at all. They are now both very broken families (one couple divorced blaming each other) I guess because it was so unexpected, they both were young adults who seemed well adjusted and happy... and I know he is neither, and I feel like I have failed him because I didn't insist enough to have him diagnosed, and I think he's missed out on a whole lot of help he COULD have got, and instead ended up, wanting to die, with a psychiatrist ...so yes, I AM hyperprotective, and feel totally inadequate.. I guess I knew when I wrote my OP that I was wrong going behind his back, and I need to learn and let him make his own mistakes, but needed to tell somebody, and hoped other mothers would understand.

So thank you for taking the time to tell me your opinion, and inform me on which drug it might have been. It definitely did not numb my tongue so I guess I can exclude cocaine. The possibility that it's GHB opens up another can of worms... I really hope I haven't raised a rapist! 😱

My gosh you’re jumping to conclusions - this has gone from you snooping to your son being a potential rapist. Jesus.

Lenald2512 · 18/08/2023 17:18

RampantIvy · 18/08/2023 17:15

I notice that only the "cool" mumsnetters have replied and are minimising the OP's concerns.

Offer another view for OP to consider then.