Mothers preference of SIL

[CarrotsPlease]

A little background first, I have one brother we are both in our 40s he is older. Our lives have been very different, I’ve been with my DH for 22 years, married 16, 2 kids, 12 and 10. Ive worked my whole life as has my DH, my parents helped us fund Indy schools for our kids.
My brother has been in and and out of relationships most of his life, generally he never wanted to commit, as soon as the moving in/marriage convo came up he was out the door quicker than you could say boo. Until he met his now wife, he was 40 she is 20 years younger. He went from mr ew not marriage to engaged in 18 months, married 18 months after that and his wife was pregnant with twins soon after. They’ve been together 8 years now. She is a stay at home mum, he makes a ridiculous amount each year.
My mother is quite shallow, thinks looks and money are the be all and end all. I never met up to her wishes for a daughter, I’m not conventionally attractive, could really give two hoots about make-up and clothes and was thrilled to have two boys who would rather be out with the dogs in the forest than anything else. I earn a good amount as does my DH but my brother alone earns more than us combined. I’d say we try to live a modest life, I can’t be bothered with anything flashy.
On the flip, my SIL is young, very attractive, blonde (this is a big thing for my mother she seems to think blondes are the most beautiful people on earth), always well groomed (frankly why wouldn’t she be, she’s a SAHM, kids in nursery/school, they have a cleaner etc.), hair and nails always done, you get the picture, she’s a bit of a ‘Range Rover mummy’.
My mother is obsessed with my SIL, they meet up for lunch once a week, she’s forever telling people how beautiful her daughter in law and granddaughters are (two blonde little girls, just what my mother always wanted). I take my mother shopping once a week and it is all I hear, SIL this and SIL that. She hardly asks about my boys now, frankly they don’t fit her image. She is on my back about me not putting the effort in, buying ‘cheap’ clothes (M&S).
My DH thinks I should ignore it, she’s probably just happy my brother has settled down, but they have been married 5 years!
I know that in reality she’s finally got the daughter and granddaughters she always wanted, and can’t help the excitement but it is beginning to cause me some upset. I feel resentful that my mother has a better relationship with SIL than me and seems to care about my nieces more than my son.
I want to say something but I don’t know how to go about it without causing a fall out. WIBU to bring it up to her? What should I say?

I understand how you feel op - my mother openly favours my brother and his boys over me and my dds. It’s hurtful but nothing you can do about it.

@Curseofthenation is right, there’s nothing you can do about this situation. The best way to handle it is to live life the way you want to and not to win your Mum’s approval, because you’re guaranteed to fail if her values are so different to yours.

If it’s any consolation, my Dad also doesn’t seem to realize that I’m pretty happy with my life choices and likes to unfavorably compare me to other people. I’m an only child so he compares me to other people’s middle-aged children.

My in-laws try to be more balanced, but there’s a definite preference for certain children/partners. I suppose it’s because they can relate to certain people?

And ignore the comments about accepting money for school fees. Why shouldn’t you if your Mum can afford it and you feel that the school is a good fit for your children?

I don't get the pile-on on OP going on in this thread. What really stood out to me was how her mother and SIL regularly play ladies who lunch together, yet OP's the one who gets asked to take her shopping. Smacks of favouritism.

This. Some weird and unfair replies on this thread.

Your mother actively co-signing a relationship between a 40 year old and a 20 year old is fucking bizarre honestly. Don't worry, your SIL will probably grow a spine as she grows up and leave him high and dry! Problem solved 😂

I have a 20-year old dd. I’d be horrified if she met a 40-year old man who would want to go out with someone that young tbh.

I feel for you, I was never attractive enough for my mother, it’s quite painful to realise you aren’t loved unconditionally. But it’s not your SIL’s fault, don’t let it cloud how you feel about her or your nieces. Also my DD is permanently covered in mud and has scrapes and bruises all over her. Being a girl doesn’t necessarily mean you like one thing or another. I’d invite your SIL out on a messy dog walk, her kids would probably love it.

Even if you feel you are being compared try not to internalise that, let it slide off.

It's great that your family live a life you all enjoy, OP, but it's not more worthy than your brother's. Your mother seems to have made it a competition for her approval. You can withdraw and accept that different people have different ideas about how to live. I don't think there's any point in blaming your brother and his wife - and definitely no point in resenting your nieces, who are utterly blameless but for whom you appear to have no affection whatsoever.

This. You're getting harsh responses.

I doubt you'll convert your mother from a lifetime of shallowness and superficiality, so I wouldn't bother. See her less, buy and extra dog with the money yiu would have spent on lunch and carry on as you were!

It sounds to me like you are just as judgemental as your mother. She might favour SIL and your nieces, but I’m wondering if you have almost pushed her to it. You seem judgemental of your brothers life choices both before and after marriage and your jealousy of their life comes across strongly. It strikes me that it seems almost like you felt you were better than him before he met his wife, and now you feel overshadowed by him.
You need to focus on yourself and your family and not your brothers family. Even if SILs relationship is stronger than yours with your mother, it sounds like it’s because they value the same things - looks, money etc. You say you don’t value those things anyway, so why would you want to be part of it?

I dont know you, OP, but from your posts you appear jealous, money obsessed, bitter, angry and unhappy

All those saying you're jealous.... Maybe don't understand that it's a craving to be treated fairly, more equally by your DM. Not that you wish you were your SIL.
Ofcourse it will hurt to feel like your DC aren't as valued as the little girls. Ofcourse it will hurt to feel your DM favours a 'second' daughter over her own daughter. Totally valid feelings.

Let them get on with it, OP. Live your life the way you want, as you are. We have no control over other people so to even bring it up, likely won't change anything. Just do the best by your DC as you can, absorb and focus on the value that your DH clearly sees in you.

You're right about one thing. You don't know her. You've just her character from a few lines of text. Grim.

@CarrotsPleaseit must be upsetting to feel that your mother favours someone not a blood relative to her but that's on her. With such a massive age gap, what's to say what might become of your brother's marriage in the future.

Your mum won't like her half as much when she's taking him for half of everything he has.

You are getting such a hard time OP! I would feel the same if my mum.was like that. It's easy to give money when you have it. It doesn't mean someone is nice or even generous. For your own mental health distance yourself.

Jealously doesn't look good on you. Dye your hair blonde and go to the gym if you're so concerned.

Maybe it's your envious nature that makes your mother prefer to spend time with your SIL. Stop accepting your mother's money if you're so bothered- you won't though will you?

She might as well get something (money) if acceptance and appreciation aren't on the cards.

I get it OP, it's really upsetting. I'm in a similar situation and have been no contact with my mother for 4 (mostly blissful) years.

I have always been her scapegoat child, my DB had always been the golden child (but turned out pretty good in the end). My mother has put my sil up on a pedestal since my DB met her in their early 20s. It's hurts in a way that is hard to describe. I know I will never be good enough for her, but to have it rammed down my throat so blatantly is horrible. I get on fine with DB and SIL but it has certainly driven a wedge in our relationship.

Classic examples of my mother were when I had just broken up with boyfriend and travelled 4 hours to visit parents. DB and SIL travelled 45 minutes to parents, and we were all having a family meal. My DF started serving me first, my mother betrayed him with "no don't serve stormy, serve 'SIL' and 'DB' first, they're guest". I'm not sure what I was.

DB and SIL had a horrendous time of multiple failed IVF attempts to conceive. During this time I went from long term single, to shitty short term relationships, to in a relationship, married and then pregnant. This did not go down well. When I was pregnant we had a family event, my mother took me aside and told me to be discrete about my pregnancy and not upset SIL. At 34 weeks pregnant and measuring 3 weeks big for dates, I was one huge elephant in that room!

I think if you want to maintain a relationship with your mother, not just for stability for your kids education, but because it is emotionally a massive thing to go no contact, then you are going to have to suck it up. Talk to your DH or friends about it, you are allowed to feel angry and upset, but try not to let it ruin your relationship with your DB, SIL and little nieces, it's not their fault your mother is crazy and mean. I jokingly refer to my SIL as "princess sil" in conversation to my DH to let of steam as he's my mother's behaviour with his own eyes, but not because I dislike SIL (she's lovely), but as a comment on my mother's behaviour.

@AngryGreasedSantaCatcus so if her mother clearly doesn't enjoy her company she should use her for money?

You would be unreasonable to bring it up. There is nothing you can say that will improve your relationship with your mother. Anything you say will only damage the relationship further. Be the bigger person and rise above it.

I put YABU to say anything,
Simply because I don’t think it would make a difference.

If you mum is focused heavily on looks and pays you and your children little attention I doubt she’ll change.

You can choose to be around her less though. “I’m heading home. You’ve spent all lunch talking and SIL and I find it a bit weird and boring. Call me when you want a conversation with me”.

You’re not coming across well.

And while you might have valid grievances, people won’t have much sympathy for you because of how badly you’re coming across.

Your mother judges you and you judge your sil. The apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.

But seriously, if you are going to let your parents fund your children's education and that is a massive financial contribution then you just need to suck it up don't you. Or pay the fees yourself.

Do YOU like your SIL? Is she a good person?