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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Household contribution and mat leave pay?

76 replies

RosieG82 · 18/08/2023 08:03

Hi folks - apologies if this is in the wrong part of the forum, I’m just after some thoughts/peoples experiences.
I’m due to go on mat leave shortly and will be taking 12 months off with £900 per month of mat pay (half of my normal pay).

My partner earns enough to cover all the household costs - mortgage, bills, food, car etc and still have about £800 of savings after (not including meals out, treats etc which would be deducted from this £800).

We haven’t spoken yet about if I will contribute anything to household costs with my mat pay. I know he would be okay with paying for all costs as I’d be at home with the baby, so I’m thinking perhaps I will pay for all the baby costs, perhaps the council tax (£230 a month) and family days out, petrol for my car etc. I would like to save £200 a month and am assuming I’ll do the housework and chores, which I’m okay with.
At the moment he earns more than I do (his take home is about (£2.8k) , so we both contribute a set amount into our joint account. I currently do a lot of housework but he’s been doing our house up so I’ve cut him some slack with this.

Does the above proposal look unreasonable to you or should I be contributing more of my mat pay? I’m not expecting to be saving hundreds on mat leave and am expecting to have to tighten my belt, but I don’t want to be penniless or reliant on him for money to do things.
At the same time I don’t want him to have to pay for everything, although I know he’d be okay with it.
This is our first baby so I’d be grateful for any thoughts. Thanks xx

OP posts:
PinkCherryBlossoms · 18/08/2023 08:13

You should both have equal amounts after all essential costs are paid. We basically freestyled, tbh, but if you want to be more formal that's how it should work.

Also if you're going to get child benefit, and on that salary it looks like he might be around the threshold, whoever receives that should be factored in too.

BobbleForAHat · 18/08/2023 08:23

Firstly it should have been a conversation you had before you decided to ttc to see that you are both on the same page re money. As you are already pregnant then all baby costs should be a joint payment, anything from equipment like prams, cots, bedding to clothes which will be a lot in the first year, toys, books etc. Even if you go down the both having the same amount of your own spending money you will possibly need things like bras and clothing as your body changes shape and size. So it depends if you feel that is fair.

We originally did the personal spends bit but we were married and then when we decided to ttc we agreed we would use our savings pot to cover my share of the bills whilst I was off on maternity which was a year. Then we did one combined pot for everything.

Sometimes people surprise you and think the woman should pay for everything. You see it on here a lot whereby she burns through all her savings on maternity leave trying to keep up with her usual bill contribution whilst he is living the life of Riley on his untouched money. They see it as I had X before and I want to keep X now. Sad but true.

bravotango · 18/08/2023 08:23

We just put everything we got into the joint account (including child benefit) and split what was left over after all the bills and a weekly allowance for food/fun - we did this before I was on mat pay and during, and it worked fine

00100001 · 18/08/2023 08:24

So many strange setups where mum and dad's money is separate.

It's just household money here... literally have no way of knowing who is paying for what. We bothruse the same joint account.

UndercoverCop · 18/08/2023 08:25

I technically contributed the same, as we'd saved jointly before mat leave so I topped up my contribution with that, it also meant we continued to save during mat leave again jointly. However I was the higher earner and we would've been quite tight on DHs wage alone at the time and would've left him without any disposable income.

Scottishgirl85 · 18/08/2023 08:27

You have made a human together, why on earth don't you put your money together in one pot (and get married). I am always shocked at how financially vulnerable so many women make themselves...

OooohAhhhh · 18/08/2023 08:28

Can you not just combine incomes & split everything 50/50? That's what we do.
There is no 'this is my money, that's his money', it's our money.

CleptoCleoCookoo · 18/08/2023 08:28

You should have had this conversation before TTC. It's too late already.

Two principles to enforce:

Having children shouldn't leave either 9f you worst off. You both need pension payments going in. You both need similar free time and spending power. Don't accept less. The balance will be unique (I hate ironing but DH hates putting the bin out so we're both happy to own stuff, as long as the general balance works).

Don't own the baby related costs otherwise you'll be see it as YOUR bill. It's a terrible trap that usually ends up badly off for the woman. Shared childcare costs, shared baby expenses. They're family costs so don't own them solo. Whether you have joint bank accounts is a practical thing but the main psychological point is, they're not YOUR costs alone.

Clefable · 18/08/2023 08:29

Once we had a baby, our finances just got combined for the most part. All salaries into joint pot, then we each took some 'fun' money and the rest was for any joint expenses, which includes baby classes, etc. I think it's a bit of a weird dynamic where the mum pays for 'baby-related things' as knowingly or not, it perpetuates the stereotype that she's responsible for everything related to the baby.

panko · 18/08/2023 08:31

Everything joint, all bills, all baby stuff should come out a joint account in proportion to your incomes. Then consider seperate accounts for "spending" money so you're free to do what you want with your money. Another thing to consider is is he going to top up your pension contributions?

Clefable · 18/08/2023 08:32

And don't do all the housework and chores - presumably he's managed to do his share of them up till now, so a baby arriving doesn't mean he gets LESS to do! You're on mat leave to look after your baby, not him. Of course you'll probably end up doing more by virtue of being home more, but some days I would be out all day with baby so my husband would do the housework when he finished work!

panko · 18/08/2023 08:32

Do NOT pay for all the baby related stuff. Even if the amounts work out the same it's a bad prescident to set.

Orangemoon8 · 18/08/2023 08:32

You should be left with completely equal amounts. We both put everything we earn into our shared account, then the idea is we would both take back out an equal amount for ourselves. We actually have nothing left over so can’t do that right now, but that’s the plan. I never get when couples (with kids) have separate finances.

Hufflepods · 18/08/2023 08:32

I just cannot wrap my head around couples who choose to have a baby, and then go almost all the way through pregnancy without discussing how it’s going to work financially 🤯

When I was on mat leave things were the same as they were before, we both transferred everything except £X into the joint account, on mat leave £X was a reduced amount but it was still the same amount for both of us. Separate savings and things just seem bizarre to me when you have a child.

panko · 18/08/2023 08:34

Your career is going to take a hit. He needs to compensate for that

PinkCherryBlossoms · 18/08/2023 08:34

BobbleForAHat · 18/08/2023 08:23

Firstly it should have been a conversation you had before you decided to ttc to see that you are both on the same page re money. As you are already pregnant then all baby costs should be a joint payment, anything from equipment like prams, cots, bedding to clothes which will be a lot in the first year, toys, books etc. Even if you go down the both having the same amount of your own spending money you will possibly need things like bras and clothing as your body changes shape and size. So it depends if you feel that is fair.

We originally did the personal spends bit but we were married and then when we decided to ttc we agreed we would use our savings pot to cover my share of the bills whilst I was off on maternity which was a year. Then we did one combined pot for everything.

Sometimes people surprise you and think the woman should pay for everything. You see it on here a lot whereby she burns through all her savings on maternity leave trying to keep up with her usual bill contribution whilst he is living the life of Riley on his untouched money. They see it as I had X before and I want to keep X now. Sad but true.

There was a thread the other week where someone had continued to pay 50% of bills on half pay at home with the baby, chided other women for expecting partners to pay more in this scenario and described her setup as enlightened. It was quite a read.

Orangemoon8 · 18/08/2023 08:35

Why should he save £800 and you only save £200? It should be you both save £500.

Hufflepods · 18/08/2023 08:40

PinkCherryBlossoms · 18/08/2023 08:34

There was a thread the other week where someone had continued to pay 50% of bills on half pay at home with the baby, chided other women for expecting partners to pay more in this scenario and described her setup as enlightened. It was quite a read.

Show quote history

When I see married women on here saving money from their own pay cheque alone so they can go on maternity leave!! I don’t even know what to say to someone who thinks that’s a good setup.

Sunshineclouds11 · 18/08/2023 08:40

All goes into one pot here also, no idea 'who's money' were spending as all shared.
Was the same on mat leave.

Yellowlegobrick · 18/08/2023 08:43

I'd just agree how much you'd each contribute to a joint account covering all your shared bills, to allow you each a fair amount of money for every day spending.

It might not be reasonable for that to be "equal" in pound terms - if you are expected to spend more taking the baby swimming or would be the main one buying them clothes etc that needs to be taken into account.

Make sure any savings are put in joint names or equal amounts to you both.

thecatsthecats · 18/08/2023 08:46

We normally put a substantial amount into the bills account so that we cover bills (and our entire joint lives, so bar bills, petrol, meals out etc) plus a bit of joint household savings, then spend and invest the rest separately as we'd like.

For maternity, the bills amount is coming entirely off him, and we'll have equal amounts leftover. We'll make up the shortfall in my pension from the joint amount coming in too.

Furthermore the bills account will also cover everything of mine that I usually pay for myself but need more stuff because I'm pregnant - nursing bras etc.

We both agreed to have a child, why should I have to fork out extra for things I wouldn't need if I weren't doing a pregnancy?

Allsweep · 18/08/2023 08:48

When we had children was when we switched from a similar system to yours to all income going to our joint account which covered all child related things as well as the usual mortgage/bills and a separate fun money allowance which was in our personal accounts.

I really like having some separate money - so that I don't feel like I have to discuss personal spends.

Original poster
RosieG82 · 18/08/2023 08:49

Thanks everyone for the comments, just to clarify we are getting married next year. I think I’ll suggest putting everything into our shared account and just splitting equally. Thanks for the comments it’s really helpful X

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 18/08/2023 08:50

Suggest that this is the time of your life where you should open a joint account. Put enough into it between you both that all the house bills, food/groceries and baby related costs are covered, and you have equal money in your own personal accounts to spend and save.

You’re jointly responsible for this new human, and that means jointly financially responsible too. You should both have equal money.

DO NOT DO ALL THE HOUSEWORK. You’ve already started to make this rod for your own back (I currently do a lot of housework but he’s been doing our house up so I’ve cut him some slack with this.) and I guarantee if you don’t reset the balance now, you’ll end up resentful and frazzled. The amount of domestic shitwork increases exponentially with each child - it’s like those Covid-19 graphs where it all looks manageable then the graph shoot’s up alarmingly… Do not use maternity leave to become the only adult capable of sorting shit out, elther for the house or the baby.

Naunet · 18/08/2023 08:54

Don’t set yourself up to do all the house work, childcare AND pay towards bills, don’t make your baby’s costs your responsibility, don’t buy into the idea that men should do LESS when they become fathers. Value yourself.