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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt by this?

49 replies

sunflower04 · 18/08/2023 00:10

Just wondering if I’m being a bit precious and need to lighten up a bit

My friends and I have all started new jobs after graduation. One of my best friends went out with her work friends midweek and got absolutely hammered, to the point she could barely walk or stand up. We don’t have the same wider group of friends so she was out with other people who I don’t know, but every conversation we have is dominated by how great they are, all the things they do together, she never really asks anything about my work or my life anymore but I don’t mind because I assume she was just excited with her new job and new friends and that’s why she was going on about it so much. But anyway, she went out with those friends and she got extremely drunk. They left her alone and she called me because she was unsure where she was, could barely stand up and needed help getting home. I had to drive out to get her (over an hour away) drop her off at home (an hour in a different direction) which then meant I was home for 3am. They also spilled kebab and threw up in my car so I had to clean that at 3am when I got home

my friend knows I’m up for work at 6am, they knew I had a big day the next day because I had mentioned I was nervous about it and they knew how much it meant to me.

of course I would never want to leave my friend alone and as soon as I knew she was hammered, didn’t know where she was, was alone, couldn’t stand up etc I couldn’t have left her so I know I didn’t have to go and get her but I sort of did at the same time. I tried to call her a taxi (that I would pay over the phone) but she kept moving location and the taxi driver said they couldn’t keep a wild goose chase with me contacting her, then them, then she moved again etc. it was easier for her just to send me her location and I went to collect her

the next day I was exhausted at work. I didn’t get a single message thanking me, just lots of messages about omg I’m so hungover! I can’t believe I was such a mess last night! No mention of the fact I didn’t get home until ridiculously late and was driving about the city centre trying to find her and that she was sick in my car. No mention of the fact I was working the next day and not even a thanks for coming to get her

she said she didn’t call her boyfriend or anyone else because they were all working the next day and she felt bad 😐 also not too impressed that her new friends that she talks on and on and on about how wonderful they are just left her alone in that state

am I being a bit precious to be really upset and feel a bit hurt? Not sure if I’m being ridiculous and should lighten up a bit because I can be a bit precious about my sleep sometimes. For the record, she wasn’t spiked, she just loves a wild night out and can’t handle shots.

OP posts:
bossybloss · 18/08/2023 00:11

You sound like a lovely friend. 🥰

HelpMeUnpickThis · 18/08/2023 00:12

Agree. You should tell her how you feel.

Clarinet1 · 18/08/2023 00:12

Yes, you sound like a lovely friend; She doesn’t!

Skyisbluegrassisgreen · 18/08/2023 00:13

I would point out to her that her new mates left her on her own… and that she’s welcome for the taxi service

Slinkyminky22 · 18/08/2023 00:14

She's not a friend, she sounds like a user. I'd focus on other friends.

Cowlover89 · 18/08/2023 00:14

Yanbu. X

Lindsey99 · 18/08/2023 00:14

She is extremely inconsiderate. These people do take advantage of kind hearted people like you. I personally would distance myself because it seems a one sided friendship.

Babyandmexox · 18/08/2023 00:17

You honestly do need to get her told because she has absolutely took the piss out of you, and she doesn’t deserve you as a friend if she can’t even thank you, that should have been the first thing she should have done as soon as she sobered up. And yeah while your on that note tell her how shit her wonderful new friends are for ditching her. And don’t let there be a next time, if you can help it.

Screamingabdabz · 18/08/2023 00:20

I think you need to send her this thread. People can be so incredibly selfish and don’t realise the effect they have. Once it’s pointed out, I do think people who are basically decent at heart reflect and try to be better.

Boomboom22 · 18/08/2023 00:25

So your big day at work is less important than her bf or any other friends normal work day? How does that work then?

Aquamarine1029 · 18/08/2023 00:27

It's ridiculous that you haven't told her exactly how you feel and exactly how outrageous her lack of gratitude is. She should have been tripping over herself to thank you, apologise, and send money for petrol and to clean your car.

She sounds like a self-absorbed , entitled little bitch, honestly. If she's what you call a friend, I'd hate to meet your enemies. I would be done with her.

Scylax · 18/08/2023 03:31

Certainly not unreasonable to be hurt! You were lovely, and I’m sure you’ll look back and be so glad you were because who knows what you saved her from! I wouldn’t tell her how you feel; by the sound of it the friendship is naturally fading and I’d just let it. Unless she keeps trying this sort of thing in which case you’d have to set some formal boundaries. But you did the right thing by her, so thank you!

Phillipsson · 18/08/2023 03:36

The truth is she contacted you because subconsciously she doesn’t care what you think about her, but she would feel embarrassed if her boyfriend or new mates saw her that way. She will act like it didn’t happen to everyone else. Hence why she’s acting like it’s no big deal to you, cause she doesn’t care about your point of view.

I hate being around extremely drunk people, I saw enough of that during freshers. You can have a messy night once but you learn from it and never key yourself get in that state again surely. You can either ignore it, tell her how you feel, send her a cleaning bill. But personally I’d look to distance myself slightly, because it seems like the friendship has ran its course in other ways.

Phillipsson · 18/08/2023 03:39

Boomboom22 · 18/08/2023 00:25

So your big day at work is less important than her bf or any other friends normal work day? How does that work then?

do you have a job? There’s obviously a difference between a day at work and a “big” day at work. A big day could be the closure of a major project, a probation review, the outcome of a promotion, a disciplinary hearing, the culmination of your effort on something large & getting feedback, an important meeting with a stakeholder etc. A big day = something out of the ordinary.

ilovepuppies2019 · 18/08/2023 03:43

You are a wonderful friend OP. Women nees more friends like you. You probably saves her from a bad outcome that night. I would have been tripping over myself with thank yous, money for cleaning and a big gift. She is a shocking friend. So not let her get away from this without knowing how hurr you are. She has been mins blowing selfish and needs to be told. Perhaps she'll stop and reflect. I think it's more likely that she's a selfish person at hear who has moved on to more exciting opportunities and sees you as her past. Let this friendship go. You deserve better.

Cherryana · 18/08/2023 03:49

Do not do that again.

You have to tell her in plain terms how you felt and see her response.

Defence - withdraw from friendship
Denial that it was that bad - withdraw from friendship
Excuse - withdraw from friendship
Crying (making it about her and some reason you should pity her) - withdraw from friendship
Says sorry - stay friends
Says sorry and tries to make amends - stay friends

This is a forgive but don’t forget situation.

Catsmere · 18/08/2023 03:52

You're a much better friend than she deserves! The going out and getting blind drunk would be the end of a friendship for me even before all the other stuff. I'd be hurt and angry to be treated like that. Did she bother asking her wonderful new friends why they left her? Were they also blind drunk?

Honestly I'd drop her.

slashlover · 18/08/2023 04:04

Phillipsson · 18/08/2023 03:39

do you have a job? There’s obviously a difference between a day at work and a “big” day at work. A big day could be the closure of a major project, a probation review, the outcome of a promotion, a disciplinary hearing, the culmination of your effort on something large & getting feedback, an important meeting with a stakeholder etc. A big day = something out of the ordinary.

Show quote history

What are you talking about, nobody is asking what a big day means?

OP said she had a big day at work, which her friend knew. OP also said that her friend didn't call her boyfriend because he had work the next day. @Boomboom22 is clearly saying that her friend considers OPs big day as less important that her boyfriend's normal day and asking how that works.

How did you interpret the comment?

RichardsGear · 18/08/2023 04:10

You need to tell her what you've said here otherwise you're being a doormat.

HamishTheCamel · 18/08/2023 04:25

I can't believe she hasn't apologised to you and thanked you! I'm not surprised you feel hurt and taken for granted. I think you should tell her how you feel.

Fraaahnces · 18/08/2023 04:33

I think I would send a text… “I don’t want to ever hear how great these new friends are. They left you alone, pissed and vulnerable. They were not the person you called in that state - I was. They didn’t lose sleep to collect you in the middle of the night, they didn’t clean up vomited alcohol and kebab from their car at 3am. I doubt any of them had to be up for work at 6am either. I bet if any of these “Amazing Friends” had collected you, you would have at least had the decency to fucking thank them. Lose my number.”

Blondewithredlips · 18/08/2023 04:42

Slinkyminky22 · 18/08/2023 00:14

She's not a friend, she sounds like a user. I'd focus on other friends.

This

Poppyblush · 18/08/2023 05:08

Tell the selfish bitch you drove round for hours and had less than 3 hours sleep.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 18/08/2023 05:25

Fraaahnces · 18/08/2023 04:33

I think I would send a text… “I don’t want to ever hear how great these new friends are. They left you alone, pissed and vulnerable. They were not the person you called in that state - I was. They didn’t lose sleep to collect you in the middle of the night, they didn’t clean up vomited alcohol and kebab from their car at 3am. I doubt any of them had to be up for work at 6am either. I bet if any of these “Amazing Friends” had collected you, you would have at least had the decency to fucking thank them. Lose my number.”

This ^^. Please do this.

If the response you get from your so called frend is along the lines of an:

"OMG you are right, I don't know why or how I had my head turned by them. They really are nasty people aren't they? I am so sorry dear sunflower for having treated you in such an abominal way, please can you forgive me?

Then you can decide if you want to give her another chance or not. Good luck OP xx

HappiDaze · 18/08/2023 05:26

You're a good friend

Don't however bail her out ever again

Make an excuse and do not answer the phone to her late at night again. She can call her boyfriend or another friend next time

You've done your bit, it's someone rises turn next time

Not sure this warrants dropping her as a friend as PP that's a bit dramatic