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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family members bonding with my abusers

46 replies

Fuchsiarose · 17/08/2023 17:09

TRIGGER WARNING - sexual abuse and death threats (sorry, long too)

I am really struggling to cope with the fact that my mum and my younger sister have suddenly decided to strike up a bond with my two, much older siblings (both of whom have put me through years of hell which I am still deeply traumatised by) all while totally excluding me from their reunion.

At 14 years old, I was sexually abused my older sister's then partner (a policeman in his 30's who she later married) when I was staying overnight in their home. I finally found the courage to reveal this six years later, and since then, my sister has relentlessly turned the blame on me, violently attacking me, both verbally and physically, in various devastating outbursts for the last 25 years.

When my dad wrote her and my brother (neither of whom dad got on with) out of his will, my brother bombarded me with malicious emails, declaring his hatred for me, and sent me several death threats, promising that he was 'coming for' me and my husband one day, which he has never retracted. The years of lying awake at night with my young babies in the next room, wondering if he was going to show up was literally a reign of terror.

Because they are both family members, I was urged by my mum and younger sister not to go to the police. As a result, I have never had the closure of court cases or the acknowledgement of justice being done, and this continues to be extremely damaging to my mental health.

My mum and younger sister, who were my rocks and swore to stand by me to the end, suddenly started seeing them again three years ago and were having playdates with their kids together before I had even been told. Ever since, they have all bonded and are one big unit now, completely excluding me from everything they do - and I am the only family member who is left out. I have sat them both down several times and sobbed my heart out about how betrayed I feel, but they are just dismissive and they carry on doing it regardless.

I am just heartbroken that they are turning a blind eye to all the hell I have suffered for so many years and are partying away with the very people who put me through it all. Please someone tell me that I am not being unreasonable to feel this way. My soul is on the ground right now.

Thank you for reading and sorry it's so long.

OP posts:
fedupnow2 · 17/08/2023 17:22

So sorry op, you need to cut the toxic lot of them from your life.

Fruitynutcase · 17/08/2023 17:26

They are either in denial or self centred or both . Probably both .

Original poster
Fuchsiarose · 17/08/2023 17:27

Thank you, I need to hear this right now. They call me 'the problem' and I need to feel that this isn't true because I'm overpowered by their behaviour.

OP posts:
MzHz · 17/08/2023 17:41

fedupnow2 · 17/08/2023 17:22

So sorry op, you need to cut the toxic lot of them from your life.

Sorry, this. There is no other way. They’re not going to change, they are vile and despicable people.

MzHz · 17/08/2023 17:43

Fuchsiarose · 17/08/2023 17:27

Thank you, I need to hear this right now. They call me 'the problem' and I need to feel that this isn't true because I'm overpowered by their behaviour.

Oh I’m the problem too. Come sit on bench with me. There’s loads of us over on the Stately Homes thread in Relationships

you are not the problem love. You really aren’t - I hope we can help you see this

SisterhoodWhatever · 17/08/2023 17:49

You need therapy because of what’s happened to you, you poor woman, what you are experiencing is sadly far more common with the abused person seen as the issue with the abusers getting away with it. Many families are in denial, you remind them of the situation.

You need to cut contact.

StopStartStop · 17/08/2023 17:50

I am so sorry this has happened to you and continues to happen in an ongoing way. That makes it so much more difficult to live with, I'm sure.

They are all wrong in their behaviour, then and now. Definitely go non-contact with the lot of them. Wounds can't heal if they are being constantly scratched at.

Therapy, for you now as you learn to live with this new twist in the story of your abuse, might be a good thing.

You are not the problem. As a child you should have been protected. From when you revealed the abuse you should have been supported. No-one should think that this is something to 'put behind you.'

Do what you need to do to feel safe and loved. They don't own you and you're about to show them that.

MeridianB · 17/08/2023 17:53

Sorry this is happening, OP. It must feel like such a huge betrayal.

However nonsensical, they have made their choice and you won’t be able to trust them again. Is it possible your abusers have manipulated them? Cut them loose and look after yourself. It’s their loss. Are you able to seek therapy for the past and current experiences? 🌸

Original poster
Fuchsiarose · 17/08/2023 17:55

Thank you for your lovely words, I'll definitely join the thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fuchsiarose · 17/08/2023 17:56

Thank you, yes I do feel like I need therapy. I am so screwed up inside because of this.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 17/08/2023 17:56

Fuchsiarose · 17/08/2023 17:27

Thank you, I need to hear this right now. They call me 'the problem' and I need to feel that this isn't true because I'm overpowered by their behaviour.

Have you ever sought help to deal with what you've been through?

Get counselling now and they can also help with you cutting out the remaining toxins in your family

Flowers
Tinkerbyebye · 17/08/2023 18:01

It’s not you, it’s them. Seek counselling, and tbh if you feel strong enough go to the police now

Time to stop having anything to do with them, build your life without them

Americano75 · 17/08/2023 18:11

The fucking rats. Damn the lot of them to hell.

I just want to give you a massive hug, and adopt you myself.

1FootInTheRave · 17/08/2023 18:16

Please try counselling to cope with the hideous abuse you suffered and are still suffering.

Maybe ask for this to be moved to the relationship board. You may find it helpful.

CatherineParr · 17/08/2023 18:24

Yabu. Is the policeman still married to your sister?

CatherineParr · 17/08/2023 18:25

Meant yanbu! Sorry 😞

Motnight · 17/08/2023 18:29

1FootInTheRave · 17/08/2023 18:16

Please try counselling to cope with the hideous abuse you suffered and are still suffering.

Maybe ask for this to be moved to the relationship board. You may find it helpful.

This.

You deserve so much better, Op. Ditch them all.

Lwrenagain · 17/08/2023 18:30

Fuck them all, cunts.

I'm so sorry pal, this is the shits to read, you absolutely deserve better people in your life x

GreenHillsBlueSky · 17/08/2023 18:37

You are the only family member left out because you are the only decent one amongst them. Your abusers are vile and the family members who expect you to turn a blind eye are vile people too.
I agree with others - get some counselling and get away from them. Think of it as they’ve done you a favour - whilst all of the scum are entertaining each other and occupying each others time you are free to run and get away from the lot of them. They’ve shown you what they think of you, do not allow any of them to drag you down any further.

TinkerbellefromYorkshire · 17/08/2023 18:54

Not too late for therapy/ counselling.. also not too late to go to the police for historical abuse.. which l certainly would be doing. This is definitely not your fault.
Sending hugs..

Original poster
Fuchsiarose · 17/08/2023 19:03

No, they are divorced now as he slept with a few other people behind her back, which was when I spoke up about what happened to me. She is married to someone else now but that happiness with her new husband hasn't changed the bitterness she will always feel towards me.

OP posts:
Cowlover89 · 17/08/2023 19:03

I'm so sorry that happened to you. You been to cut them off x

Travis1 · 17/08/2023 19:09

I am so sorry this happened. It sounds like your dad had the measure of them. Time to go no
Contact with them
all and get some therapy. It will
noy be easy but I promise it will be worth it x

pickledandpuzzled · 17/08/2023 19:11

Get therapy and consider going to the police. You no longer need to consider your mum and sister.

Flowers You've been treated appallingly. It's devastating to realise that none of them have your back.
Original poster
Fuchsiarose · 17/08/2023 19:11

He really did. He was a wonderful man and an amazing dad to me. They were just horrendous to him. Miss him so much.

OP posts: