Family members bonding with my abusers

[Fuchsiarose]

TRIGGER WARNING - sexual abuse and death threats (sorry, long too)

I am really struggling to cope with the fact that my mum and my younger sister have suddenly decided to strike up a bond with my two, much older siblings (both of whom have put me through years of hell which I am still deeply traumatised by) all while totally excluding me from their reunion.

At 14 years old, I was sexually abused my older sister's then partner (a policeman in his 30's who she later married) when I was staying overnight in their home. I finally found the courage to reveal this six years later, and since then, my sister has relentlessly turned the blame on me, violently attacking me, both verbally and physically, in various devastating outbursts for the last 25 years.

When my dad wrote her and my brother (neither of whom dad got on with) out of his will, my brother bombarded me with malicious emails, declaring his hatred for me, and sent me several death threats, promising that he was 'coming for' me and my husband one day, which he has never retracted. The years of lying awake at night with my young babies in the next room, wondering if he was going to show up was literally a reign of terror.

Because they are both family members, I was urged by my mum and younger sister not to go to the police. As a result, I have never had the closure of court cases or the acknowledgement of justice being done, and this continues to be extremely damaging to my mental health.

My mum and younger sister, who were my rocks and swore to stand by me to the end, suddenly started seeing them again three years ago and were having playdates with their kids together before I had even been told. Ever since, they have all bonded and are one big unit now, completely excluding me from everything they do - and I am the only family member who is left out. I have sat them both down several times and sobbed my heart out about how betrayed I feel, but they are just dismissive and they carry on doing it regardless.

I am just heartbroken that they are turning a blind eye to all the hell I have suffered for so many years and are partying away with the very people who put me through it all. Please someone tell me that I am not being unreasonable to feel this way. My soul is on the ground right now.

Thank you for reading and sorry it's so long.

It's not too late to report what happened to you years ago, you know. Maybe you should do that?

Disgusting behaviour From them all. Toxic bunch. Stay well away.

Oh @Fuchsiarose they are vile.
You are well rid.
How could a Mum and sister do that ?
Have you a supportive partner/ husband?
Have you supportive friends ?
I do hope so.
You are the decent person 💐

Those people don’t deserve your love and kindness - they have betrayed you.

I’m sorry OP.

Please consider this, it may help you to heal a bit.

Thank you all so much, it means such a lot to hear your views and have so much support. I do feel I should get some therapy and will consider going to the police about my abuse. In answer to the question about my husband, yes, he is extremely supportive and loathes my family's behaviour, but unfortunately he isn't a confrontational person and he tends to shy away from standing up for me.

My best friend is amazing but her daughter is in the same year as my younger sister's son, so after years of me and my friend being extremely close, my sister 'got her claws' into her once their kids started school, and she started inviting her to events and parties, deliberately leaving me out and letting me discover it on Facebook. They don't have as much to do with each other now, but because my friend was involved with her for a while, she sadly became our mutual friend. She does tend to be a 'fence-sitter' and someone who sees things a little too much from both points of view when you really need her solid support. She is definitely much more on my side now she is more distanced from my sister though.

I’m so sorry, OP. This is so much common that most people realise. It’s called the second wound of abuse.

My mum similarly turned on me and spread horrible rumours after I spoke out about her partner’s SA of a family member. Her abusive partner is the most wonderful man in the world apparently and I’m evil and manipulative - just like the child he abused too. I am NC with my whole family and it’s brought me so much peace.

Thank you, and this is what I need to do.

It’s not on when a family member is abusive and then some members of the family still engage with them. Says more about them than you.

People have a protective mechanism that blinds them to how nasty other people can be. So they tend to feel it's 'unfortunate', a personalities thing, or other minimising behaviour.
Along with a deeply seated subconscious self protection mechanism that tries to keep the dangerous person 'on side'.

It's one thing from strangers, quite another from people you trust.

Get some therapy op and contact the police if your sister starts to harass or abuse you

Because they are both family members, I was urged by my mum and younger sister not to go to the police

To me this suggests they were never as much on your side as you assumed. They had divided loyalties all along.

I’m sorry OP but I think you may have to wash your hands of them all.

You have summed up v well! It’s true that people will not stand up to bullies. I see this behaviour with my inlaws. No one calls it out. But to ‘not call it out’ is a serious, lazy, and, I guess, cowardly route.

It like the victim becomes the problem….

YANBU and you are not the problem.

Definitely get some therapy. My parents were abusive and I grew up thinking it was as my fault. Therapy in my 40’s set me free. It will be tough in the first few sessions, but so worth it.

Also, cut contact and concentrate on your own family.

As others have said, you can still report the abusers to the police, also the emails with the threats can be reported too.

I'm really sorry for all you've been through. When I was assaulted at 17 it took a matter of weeks for my whole family to turn on me, and that was by a stranger. I attempted suicide and my mum said I should f off and die... I cut contact with every single one for my own sanity. It helps.
If your best friend knows the story and is still prepared to hang around your sister then she is not your friend. It's one thing being pleasant for play dates and another to go out drinking together. Xx

Move away from them if possible, go no contact. Get some therapy, join a support group. When you feel stronger and have some piece of mind, decide whether you want to report. Sorry you are going through this, please get some support.

@Fuchsiarose I'm so glad you have the support of both your dh and bf.

These messages of support are amazing, thank you all. Definitely taking note of the theory about protective mechanisms and I feel for you others who have shared similar experiences. I will get help in the short term and I will literally have to move further away eventually because it's just lower than low to live like this.

Op. You really do deserve better than the shite sandwich your family has served you. Walk away. Be strong.

Do go to the police and report what happened. Do speak to your gp to get support in place. Put yourself first with a boundary against not the family who don’t stand by you. They have shown their true characters. Start new somewhere if you can. Move away if possible.