To wonder about newborns of gay dads

[Leahisleaving]

I recently became a mum for the first time (9! Weeks ago,) and have been struggling with anxiety in terms of leaving baby to go out for the evening with DH. There's all this information out there about bonding etc and I'm just worried DD might miss me. In an effort to give me some reassurance DH said to think about gay dads, their newborns never even get that moment with their mums. Does anyone know how that works? Do newborns really need that bondinf time with their mums?

So are you suggesting children not brought up by their own mothers have something missing? And Gay men shouldnt be able to bring up babies?

Maybe because there is no female parent involved ?

I mean, I'm adopted and was whipped away from my birth mother before she even saw me. I turned out ok (ish)

It doesn’t really matter tbh.

I’m sure there are studies about how babies do better with having a close bond to their mum, but there’s also a lot of evidence that shows babies do better if the mum BFs, has a vaginal birth and doesn’t have PND.

I know lots of people who weren’t BF or were born by c-sections and they’re all fine.

Baby’s just need love from a primary caregiver.

They also need to continue to have this for their entire childhood.

Its very difficult to measure what impact being away from their birth mum has as no 2 children have the same upbringing.

I know lots of children who were born and lived in incubators for weeks and I don’t think any of them have any issues.

Well that's not homophobic in any way. Oh, wait...

I breastfed my first and purposefully did skin to skin with her. I didn't do either with ds or dd2. It hasn't affected my bond with either of them. They are all my babies. I have only left my 6 and 7 year old twice over night, for 2 nights when dd2 was born and when I had to travel early morning to my aunt's funeral. I haven't been away from dd2 overnight and have no plans to. I've never left my children as young as 9 weeks to go out as I prefer to keep them close at that age plus I'm not usually up to it. This is how I feel though and that shouldn't affect what anyone else chooses to do.

There is no harm if you feel differently, you do as you feel is best. If you aren't comfortable you could have a special night in. If you are, baby will come to no harm.

I mention reading something similar to what @KaySararSarar had said. All kids need a loving, engaged parent, I don't think the gender of that parent is the most important thing.

It think that's exactly what they (and a few others here) think. They are doubtless ' gender critical' as well...

Depressing.

ive had the same thought about gay dads too OP. Me and my DH agreed baby settles better for me than him.

I didn’t feel ready to leave DC1 until he was 9 months btw. Do what works for you

A baby needs to bond with its primary care givers. Your DH shouldn't be pressuring you to leave the baby if you aren't ready, especially with someone who isn't a primary care giver. I wouldn't have wanted to when mine were that age.

My DSs as babies were all just as happy with their dad as they were with me, I never noticed any particular preference for me. They bonded equally with both of us and I'm sure they would have been fine if I hadn't been around for whatever reason.

If you feel like going out for a bit with your husband while a trustworthy person takes care of your baby, I think it would do good for you.

Well that's not homophobic in any way. Oh, wait...

If you think that's homophobic you need to take it up with nature.

We do not remove puppies from the care of their mothers when just born. Quite why we think it's okay to do that to newborn babies I don't know

So if you don’t believe homosexuality is down to “nature” how do you think it happens?

Don't worry about the skin to skin op, one of mine hated it! He always did the opposition of whatever everyone knows babies like. Probably didn't help that it was summer, so we were all hot and bothered. You don't need to tick the boxes a book says to have a secure and loved child. Plenty of gay people raise happy children.

How on earth is that homophobic ? The truth is the truth

THANK YOU

Exactly the same thing happened to us, and although I can see the need for debate around the ethics of surrogacy, I HATE how these threads always descend into how it's abusive for newborns to ever be separated from their mothers: they're guaranteed to have lifelong issues etc etc, with little thought for the situations where there is no alternative.

As long as the baby is having all its needs met it will form an attachment to the person/ people doing that! It doesn't have to be its birth mother or even a female!

I don't see why some posters are conflating criticism of surrogacy with homophobia.

Nobody on this thread has said that gay men can't make good parents or that they shouldn't be allowed to have children.

But there are other options to surrogacy which generally involves the commodification of the baby and a disregard of the needs and feelings of the mother who is acting as a surrogate.

I know that altruistic surrogacy exists but it is comparatively rare. Generally, surrogacy involves a massive imbalance in terms of power and wealth.

Whether it is gay men, couples with infertility problems (and having had my own struggles I do have some understand of the desperation to conceive and the heartbreak when it doesn't happen or there is a pregnancy loss) or the current trend of some wealthy celebrities to use surrogates just so that they don't have to go through pregnancy themselves, surrogacy is very problematic.

I’m English but I hate English/American culture around newborn baby stuff. Everyone seems to gravitate towards the mum determined to prise the baby away from her, bleating things like “take some time for you” / “you need some couple time with your partner” / “your baby will never learn independence if you cuddle her” / “aren’t you bored” etc etc

The best advice I can give to you is FOLLOW YOUR INSTINCTS. Of course you don’t want to be separated from your newborn. Your need each other very badly at this time. This time will pass so so fast and, when it has, you will miss it for the rest of your life. Take every moment you can with your baby.

As to gay dads - well it’s bloody sad for the newborn baby, who doesn’t get its emotional or physical needs fully met.

So if you don’t believe homosexuality is down to “nature” how do you think it happens?

Erm, what?

Take it up with nature that two gay men can't produce a baby.

What babies need is consistent, loving care from caregivers who are familiar and comforting day in day out. If your DH is part of a round the clock care team so that your baby is used to him as a regular caregiver then a short time away from you will do the baby no harm. However, if you are experiencing anxiety and having your feelings belittled agmnd dismissed by a controlling "d"h who isn't listening to you and is swooping in and taking thr baby away when you aren't comfortable with that, then you are in a domestic abuse situation.

The situation of babies taken from the mothers at birth for commercial profit really isn't relevant to your actual question.

This place has become unbearable

As to gay dads - well it’s bloody sad for the newborn baby, who doesn’t get its emotional or physical needs fully met.

Seriously?

Do you feel the same about newborns out of heterosexual relationships where the mother dies in childbirth or is otherwise not capable of caring for the baby?