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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To crave another baby to get my out of the corporate 9-5 slog

96 replies

Darkeyes12 · 17/08/2023 13:43

I know this sounds ridiculous and I am aware of that. I wonder if I’m the only one. My life is hectic. Two kids 12&7. Work full time so does OH.

we are financially comfortable. I was a sahm for a few years. Returned to work full time 3-4 years ago. recently been promoted and now have a bit more pressure.

OH is in a very stressful Job. Sometimes I long to accidentally fall pregnant so I can get a year off work and focus purely on family life. In my heart I’d love to be a traditional housewife but also am ambitious.

I know logically I should cut my hours but as soon as I decide to do it I back out as I worry I will lose future career opportunities. I am seen as reliable and focused. I worry cutting my hours will portray that I’m not as much anymore.

anyway OH doesn’t want another and really neither do I. But it’s strange how my mind plays tricks on me as if that’s the way out of feeling overwhelmed and stressed.

OP posts:
Curiouserandcuriou5er · 20/08/2023 04:55

Would work let you take 3 - 6 months off unpaid so you could have the time and head space to work out what you want? I haven't read all the comments but I emphasise with what you said, I'm on mat leave with my second now and my partner and I are really enjoying having one person (me) who can do kids and house stuff as we both worked full time around my first after mat leave and it was extremely stressful for everyone. My intention is to go back part-time this time, and I don't think it will affect my career at all. But perhaps if you had some time by taking a prolonged break, it would help you work out what's best for you and your family. And don't worry about this looking like your not "focused" or committed because it sounds like you're not 100% happy now so you need to do something so that your workplace get the best of you and if working part time is that I'm sure they'd prefer to have you long term part time than you burn out doing what you're doing now.

JoyApple · 20/08/2023 05:54

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 17/08/2023 14:30

I'll probably get flamed for this but I think it's totally normal for a woman to feel this way and want to be a SAHM and a housewife. It's biological. I hate that the expense of living means that so many women have to go out to work when they would be much happier at home.

Totally agree with you!

I'm very fortunate that in my faith (Islam) the husband has to provide all expenses for our household and for me too and be the breadwinner. Anything I choose to earn is totally mine to spend on whatever I choose fit. I did work for a few years (also high paid and stressful) and invested most of it, and then decided what was the point of working. I left and now I'm a much happier person and SAHM and my kids are much happier too. We've been falsely sold this western dream of "doing it all" in relation to women... All for the sake of capitalism.

Truth is none of the rich/elite/upper middle class women I know work, despite having nannies and house keepers. And they are living the life. Whilst the rest of us slave and struggle to try to juggle between working long hours, looking after ourselves and our families and looking after our body and the pain/stress that comes with having a female body.

JoyApple · 20/08/2023 06:03

JST88 · 17/08/2023 19:54

Mat leave is no joke. I’m of the opinion that the world isn’t ready to let women have it all & this perpetuating of the, ‘women can have it all’ is actually setting us up to feel unfulfilled (like we’re doing a shit job at work and with kids) if you want more time with your kids the time is now, it will go fast as you know and your career will always be there as you know more than most given you took a few years career break and rejoined the world of work and built a career.

This.

Many people take a career break or change professions later on in life. It isn't a big deal.

You can't live your life in constant fear of "what if DH looses his job etc" and work because of that. Truth is even if that happened whilst you were working, your lifestyle would need to still change. But either way you'd face the issue head on and adjust. It isn't healthy to not live a happy life now over a small potential future risk like that.

Imisssleep2 · 20/08/2023 06:31

Think you just need to find a more suitable job tbh, having a baby for maternity leave isn't the answer, the problems will still be there after maternity leave

CrispsnDips · 20/08/2023 06:51

After a hard slog working in a busy office for 24 years I was a SAHM with two children who were one year apart, just having a part time job three evenings per week. I LOVED getting up in the morning and having choices: mums n tots group, a walk to the park, a coffee meet up with friends, etc The sense of freedom was awesome.

I then went on to foster so I continued with the visits to country parks, mums n tots or just time to do what I wanted when they were at school.

it’s possible to earn an income without being in a 9-5 office environment

good luck with whatever you choose 😊

user8665439 · 20/08/2023 06:59

Why don't you just take a sabbatical??

ZoeDavoMCR · 20/08/2023 07:08

Seaswimmingforthesoul · 17/08/2023 13:56

Oh I've thought this loads of times 🤣 I mean, I've never seriously considered it, but I do sometimes fantasise about it. To be honest I've also quite fancied a week in hospital now and then, just to get a break and a hot cup of tea 🤷‍♀️🤣

I always say I need a couple of weeks in hospital with something non life threatening or serious just for a break and to be looked after by lovely nurses 😂

Fluffypiki · 20/08/2023 07:15

I absolutely get it! I use this "logic" for other thing though. You don't want another child, you want something to change without making a decision, and a baby would do that for you. May I suggest you find yourself a mini goal? Something to look forward, for me it is far away holiday, organised it twice but went only on one. I wasn't disappointed when it didn't happened because when I was planning it took my mind away, I just realized we couldn't spend that kind of money. Take your mind away from the daily grind of life, also speak to your husband perhaps he feel like you and a "gap" year for the whole family would be a good idea.

Tonightsthenight91 · 20/08/2023 07:46

Honestly OP? This doesn’t have to be your life. So don’t feel conditioned to think that it has to be.

When I had my first, I loved the maternity leave and knew straight away I was NEVER returning to the office rat race. My DP is a high earner and my salary never compared so I used to hate that too. While I was on maternity I decided one day I was setting up a business, so I did, that SAME day. I have literally never looked back.

even more luckily, my whole team got made redundant from my 9-5 just before I was due to go back (though I was never going back) so I got a nice little pay out from that to tide me over while my busines got off the ground (I do realise that was an amazing touch of luck).

My businesses have been successes from very early on and now I’ve way surpassed DP, work part time, and genuinely LOVE my job.

seriously, have a think what you want to do and go from there. Life’s too short to hate your job!

(just realised how much this sounds like some sort of MLM but I promise it’s not 😂)

adomizo · 20/08/2023 07:48

Yeah the mat leave would be lovely but with 2 older kids to ferry about and organise it won't be the same as before. Plus as people have said then you need to go back to work with 3 kids and pay extortionate nursery costs for the baby. No. A career break or reducing hours would be a lot easier 😉

SunWorshipping · 20/08/2023 07:51

I've got a remote job 100% wfh and do compressed hours so full time over 4 days, it's v family friendly and I can nip out for the odd assembly etc if I don't have a meeting. I work for the civil service though and would be paid far better in the private sector but the flexibility is just so good I'm staying put for at least the next few years, I have 3 children between 2 and 7. I wouldn't mind a year off on maternity leave but don't want another baby 😅, my kids have all been hard work and never slept, my 2 year old only started sleeping through recently, also when I jokingly mention it to my husband his reply is "NO" 😆. I can see why you'd contemplate it for more time off, I'd get full pay for 6 months besides!

Ibetthatyoulookgoodon · 20/08/2023 08:07

My OH is a Director in a big firm and he’s just gone down to 3 days a week. They were willing to accommodate it because it’s hard to hire decent senior ppl. Most companies will accommodate flexible working these days. Loads of ppl do 4 days. 3 csn be trickier to work out. Can you talk to your employers about it? I appreciate not all jobs work with reduced hours but is it an option?

RadioFoot · 20/08/2023 08:09

Why don't you just reduce your hours... stop agonising and do it.

HungryCaterpillar87 · 20/08/2023 08:12

become a surrogate! Mat leave, no baby, create a family!

Pal0ma · 20/08/2023 08:12

My kids are older now but occasionally I used to take a Wednesday off and it fixed my head. I wasn't in weekend mode like if I took a monday off, on a wednesday I got so much done. But you're only gone from work one day.

I'm not suggesting you do this obviously but a sick day on Wednesday but phew, back in on Thursday looks kind of valiant too. Only did that when I felt like was cracking up from the mess in the house.

QueenMegan · 20/08/2023 08:16

Get more help.
Or another job with shorter hours
Don't have another baby you'll be back where you started

Dibbydoos · 20/08/2023 08:28

I'd get some career coaching @Darkeyes12
Career coaching will help you work out what your long game is and short term changes you can take and stay on track.

Reading your post you sound like you want to reduce you hours now. I would do that. You can up them again in a couple of years when things are better at home, or indeed you may be such a successful part timer that you get promoted in any case.

Lots of senior managers where I used to work when part time and it didn't affect their careers.

CrispsnDips · 20/08/2023 08:29

maybe book one annual leave day for a few weeks …I recently had about five Fridays off which was pure luxury ..

snoozeyoulosecruise · 20/08/2023 08:39

I took a career break in your situation and was very lucky my employer agreed for me to have a year off. I actually went back after 9 months as Covid hit (and therefore work got busier). Felt like I'd had a bit of a reset and glad we didn't go down the baby number 3 option tbh!

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/08/2023 08:47

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

@Roselee1

eh?! How do you work that one out?!

Hawkins009 · 20/08/2023 08:49

Darkeyes12 · 17/08/2023 13:53

I don’t hate the Job - it’s not the job. It’s the pressure, stress, commute, missing kids pick up and drop offs, missing them waking up in The morning, feeling like I’m constantly working.

But in a way you still would, just with a baby added into the mix ?

GP78 · 20/08/2023 08:54

Cut your hours, I did and it has actually helped my career, who knew 🤷‍♀️

ChocolateCinderToffee · 20/08/2023 09:01

I worked full time for 35 years. During that time I had a month’s leave at one time just once, 3 weeks’ leave twice and a month’s sick leave once. I often used to envy my colleagues who had children and got a year’s maternity each time. I appreciate children are a lot of work, but a break from the absolute grind of working would have been very welcome.

morag1234 · 20/08/2023 09:09

I have felt the exact same way!! Would be nice to have a year off (even though I know it's not really a year off).

If you are worried about losing future career opportunities by going part time, I feel like you are more likely to lose those opportunities by having another child. Just with the whole exhaustion, baby brain, running around like a blue arsed fly etc because work kind of takes a back seat doesn't it.

I would go part time! Or have another baby but probably accept that the career progression will be out the window for a few years.