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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To crave another baby to get my out of the corporate 9-5 slog

96 replies

Darkeyes12 · 17/08/2023 13:43

I know this sounds ridiculous and I am aware of that. I wonder if I’m the only one. My life is hectic. Two kids 12&7. Work full time so does OH.

we are financially comfortable. I was a sahm for a few years. Returned to work full time 3-4 years ago. recently been promoted and now have a bit more pressure.

OH is in a very stressful Job. Sometimes I long to accidentally fall pregnant so I can get a year off work and focus purely on family life. In my heart I’d love to be a traditional housewife but also am ambitious.

I know logically I should cut my hours but as soon as I decide to do it I back out as I worry I will lose future career opportunities. I am seen as reliable and focused. I worry cutting my hours will portray that I’m not as much anymore.

anyway OH doesn’t want another and really neither do I. But it’s strange how my mind plays tricks on me as if that’s the way out of feeling overwhelmed and stressed.

OP posts:
continentallentil · 17/08/2023 15:01

It’s a sign that something has to change

I don’t think cutting to 4 days is the answer in itself (I’m general 4 days is a way of ripping women off IMO)

Is it a new job or a change in how you work? Working with a coach can be useful (but talk to a view and get refs)

SingaSongToMe · 17/08/2023 15:33

I actually think this might be a huge part of why I had DC2 when I did, if I’m honest with myself about it. Realising how much better I felt for walking away from the office on the last day before mat leave led me to changing jobs and adapting my work pattern, which may well be what you really need to do yourself.

I do love DC2 and really, really wanted him but think the work situation pushed me into TTC asap.

Beezknees · 17/08/2023 15:40

But then you'd be in the exact same position when you went back to work again, just with a third child in the mix. Surely that would be even more stressful!

It's far easier when they're older. My (only) child is 15, I don't have to lift a finger for him any more except when he wants money!

hattie43 · 17/08/2023 15:46

My first thought was your OH being in a high stress job , what happens if he cannot continue in this , breakdown , illness , hates it etc etc what will happen to the family finances to support you all .
Nothing wrong in wanting another child but just as yours are becoming more independent you want to start it all again . Is the romance of another child greater than the absolute slog of a new baby .
Lots to think about

JST88 · 17/08/2023 19:54

Mat leave is no joke. I’m of the opinion that the world isn’t ready to let women have it all & this perpetuating of the, ‘women can have it all’ is actually setting us up to feel unfulfilled (like we’re doing a shit job at work and with kids) if you want more time with your kids the time is now, it will go fast as you know and your career will always be there as you know more than most given you took a few years career break and rejoined the world of work and built a career.

CKL987 · 17/08/2023 22:11

Have you considered surrogacy? No child at the end but you are entitled to the same maternity leave legally. 😉

ButterCrackers · 17/08/2023 22:23

It’s a huge amount of 24/7 work to have a child. No sleep, constantly busy and you’ll be looking after a 12yr old and a 7yr old. Don’t think you’ll have a cushy year to play house you’ll be busy for at least 18years and beyond. I’m shocked you think you’d get an easy time off as a sahm. You get legal breaks at work, set hours and legal holidays. You can forget that as a sahm. Also no salary or promotion prospects. It’s a tough work to be doing. Stay at your paid employment for an easier time. Enjoy having that coffee break that you are legally entitled to have.

Sunandsea26 · 19/08/2023 22:29

I do get this to an extent…. I joke that I’d have a third if I could have a mat leave but not the pregnancy or real life at the end 😂 absolutely do not want to juggle a third into a very busy life already!! I’ve finished paying nursery fees and I never want to go back! Try playing with your hours. My kids are much younger than yours with the eldest about to start school but I am working 29.5 hours over 4 days, 2 long and 2 school days from September and I hope that’ll work out well for me

Sunandsea26 · 19/08/2023 22:30

Yes!!!

Sunandsea26 · 19/08/2023 22:31

Beezknees · 17/08/2023 15:40

But then you'd be in the exact same position when you went back to work again, just with a third child in the mix. Surely that would be even more stressful!

It's far easier when they're older. My (only) child is 15, I don't have to lift a finger for him any more except when he wants money!

yesssss agree with all of this!! Its delaying even more stress and financial burden

Absolutelynotfornow · 19/08/2023 22:35

HNRTFT but my decision to have a third child was because I missed pushing a buggy 😂He is now 23 and absolutely amazing…we do laugh about my decision .

spitefulandbadgrammar · 19/08/2023 22:41

I’m currently on maternity leave with my second baby and I really thought I’d have a lovely relaxing time like my first maternity leave! And I did for the bit DP was on extended paternity leave.

But actually now I’m at the slog point where you’re always either feeding, making food, cleaning up food, picking food up off the floor, timing naps, relentless entertainment, administering calpol for teeth, nappies… only now with the nursery run for the older one too.

The time off has however cemented how much I hate the job I’m on leave from. And a big duh revelation that part of DP’s ability to fit it all in and be chill around nursery runs and not bothered by school starting in September is he does 35 hours where I do 40, and he gets paid more. So at least I now know what I’ll be doing after I go back to work: looking for a better job.

AndrewGarfieldsLaptop · 19/08/2023 22:45

I'm a nurse and there was a baby boom after covid.

LoveLifeBeHappy · 19/08/2023 22:53

KinooOrKinog · 17/08/2023 13:50

It would probably be easier to find another job that you like better.

Hit the nail on the head.

Letsrunabath · 19/08/2023 22:59

It’s a better fantasy than I had at that stage in my career, I’d think 🤔 f I had a minor car crash and my injuries kept m Ed off work for a few years I’d survive thdd Ed pressure. Obviously that didn’t happen, thankfully and tearsforwzrdim grateful and I did survive that crazy pressure, demanding kid and job glad my family lives fe. I promise you another child isn’t the answer, neither is a car accident. A few tears from now life will be easier.

Cantstaystuckforever · 19/08/2023 23:04

I did that, twice. Always loved maternity leave, and somehow forgot that even IF you are lucky enough to not feel like crap all through pregnancy, and have paid or family help (most of us don't, nobody's that keen to help after the first or just maybe second one), AND get an easy baby, AND the older 2 don't resent the fact that having a baby gets in the way of their attention and extra curriculars.. then after 12 months you still have to go back, but this time with even less money to spare, and with your time spread even more thinly, and you miss them just as much.

Now when my heart whispers that I would love (yet) another baby, I'm wise enough to smile wistfully and babysit for a friend instead.

If you and your husband aren't both over the moon with the idea of a toddler stumbling around on holidays, or a third child to get through to secondary, then don't have a third baby. Instead reduce your hours a bit, or take a sabbatical, or find a better job. You'll still be financially better off, see more of the kids you have, and if you desperately want another baby after that, at least you know it's real.

Timetochangegonzo · 19/08/2023 23:07

This is just like ‘I wish I broke my xxx so I’d have a a month off’

I don’t hate the Job - it’s not the job. It’s the pressure, stress, commute, missing kids pick up and drop offs, missing them waking up in The morning, feeling like I’m constantly working

and this is the job. I have a very well paying job and it’s not like this

Elaina87 · 19/08/2023 23:47

I get that... although you're probably remembering mat leave through rose tinted glasses. I'm currently on my second mat leave and was really looking forward to focusing on family for a while, but it's exhausting and gets mundane at times. Just drop a date, if you're good at what you do it should make a difference.

Heb1996 · 20/08/2023 01:47

@Seaswimmingforthesoul oh god me too!!! And the time I was in hospital for an operation coincided with Wimbledon!! Absolutely brilliant. I sat and watched all the matches every day with no interruptions!!! Amazing!! I still talk about it now!

Threeboysadogandacat · 20/08/2023 02:25

Definitely top of my “pros” list for having ds3.

elifont · 20/08/2023 02:49

I'd youngest is 7 and been back in full time work for 3 years then reducing hours or being a SAHM is pointless now. Kids are in school, what's the point.

WandaWonder · 20/08/2023 02:51

Having a baby is not a hobby, well it is for some, get another job

3rdtimemumma · 20/08/2023 03:05

Just take a career break for a year! I asked my employer and they agreed. If you take over 2 tax years, depending on your salary, you at least pay less tax and it works out cheaper than getting mat pay but paying for nursery/nappies and a new car etc.

SuperNewMe · 20/08/2023 04:03

Darkeyes12 · 17/08/2023 13:53

I don’t hate the Job - it’s not the job. It’s the pressure, stress, commute, missing kids pick up and drop offs, missing them waking up in The morning, feeling like I’m constantly working.

Not read all the comments but this stands out to me - as someone who has both worked and stayed at home as a parent, know how shit it can be from both sides. If you're working, feel like you're missing out on important stuff. If you're not, feel bored, unappreciated and taken for granted, along with having no spare money.

The grass is always greener on the other side

Triflenot · 20/08/2023 04:39

I’d cut your hours now OP, if you want to have more time with your kids. There will be plenty of time in the future to work!

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