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Original poster

Woman from America staying at my boyfriends place

649 replies

Whenthepartysover · 17/08/2023 10:01

Me and my boyfriend have been together two years. I am 23 and he is 27. I am currently at uni in Leeds but I go to his at the weekends in Manchester.

He is a bit of an artsy type, he is a graphic designer and a freelance photographer. He writes poetry and has an Instagram account where he uploads all of his poems and short videos of spoken word. It's a bit of a community and he speaks to lots of people on the platform. He has been speaking to this woman now for a while. I didn't really have a problem with it because she lives in America and is married with 5 children. Plus I trust my boyfriend and try to be rational about things.

She told him she was taking a trip to the UK alone and he asked me if I would mind if she stayed with him so that she could save on accommodation and also have someone there who she knows and trusts. I said it was ok. I don't know why I said this.. I honestly felt ok about it at the time.

All the plans were made and he picked her up from the airport on a Sunday evening and I went back to uni. On Monday I was sat in my uni room alone studying and I text him to ask what he was up to. He said he had taken 'Claire' to the park and they were lay around on the grass. I immediately felt a rush of emotion imagining him strolling through the park with this woman. I couldn't control it I got very upset. I think it was because I was just sat there alone and he was with another woman. I trusted that he wouldn't do anything bad or disrespectful but I suddenly just felt very uncomfortable and like I was a bit of a mug. I tried not to tell him how I felt because what's done is done, she's here now. Nothing I can do. I just didn't realise that he would be out doing things with her. I thought he was just providing her a spare room to stay.

I did end up telling him how upset I was and he said "I did worry that this would happen". We ended up having an argument and I know that I am the one being unreasonable here. I said something was ok and then changed my mind once it happened. That's not his fault. I said I'd prefer it if he let her get on with things on her own. He was saying that it's unfair as she is in an unfamiliar country on her own and doesn't want to abandon her, and his mum agrees. Anyway she ended up staying in a hotel the next night.

It came to the weekend and I went to his. At this point she was in a hotel. I said I wanted to spend the weekend doing nice things together after our argument and just try to sort it out. I got to his to find an ovulation stick in his bathroom bin. Is it just me or is that weird? I don't know what is happening in her life. She may be struggling with conceiving and is being very strict with tracking. She already has 5 children though but that's none of my business. I just find it a bit rude to take an ovulation test and put it in the bin that's wide open. I would've wrapped it up and chucked it in the outside bin if I was in someone else's house. The bin doesn't have a lid. It's one of those bins you'd have in your bedroom but in the bathroom (he's a guy so never really had anything to put in it). I was a bit annoyed about it because I felt like she was taking the piss. But I tried to move past it and have a nice weekend. However he was just on his phone constantly replying to her texts while we were out. We had another argument and I have gone home to my mum's and we haven't spoken since.

I don't know where to go from here. I know this is my fault. But I really need some outside perspective on this. How would you feel? Do I even have a right to be upset? Do we just wait for her to go back home and then try and move past it or is it the end of the relationship? I'm trying to think logically and rationally without heightened feelings of jealousy in the way. But it's hard.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 17/08/2023 15:17

So she hasn't come over to see Manchester, because otherwise she'd have it planned out. Most Americans pop to Liverpool and are interested in history, they don't fly over to go to the bloody park. My DD is doing a three place USA trip next year and is even walking routes on Google maps. For those saying they'd do this, would you say to your DD that's it's ok to travel across the world to stay in a man's flat after just chatting on the internet? Would you advise your sons to allow a stranger to stay after chatting on the internet? I doubt it. She's come over to be with him. OP you are young with a great future, let this oddball go. It's one of your first proper relationships as an adult, it's going to hurt, but better than the damage to your long term life that it could do. Young women do damage their long term opportunities because of romance, much more than men. Stick with your add on course and then take the chance to think things through. I'd then tell my DD to have fun in the run up to Christmas to get over this. Fyi they are all capable of being sexually unfaithful.

RoadSignFool · 17/08/2023 15:18

CountryCob · 17/08/2023 15:16

I like Manchester a lot but it being on the bucket list of a person in America is nonsense

It was obviously sarcasm.

Rheia1983 · 17/08/2023 15:19

OP, take it from another jaded woman who spent too much time being dicked about by "sensitive" and "cerebral" (hah!) poet loving types, dump the BF.

Even if your BF is not cheating, he is still coming across as a self obsessed, man bunned dick who is unwilling to address your (rightful!) concerns.

The term man bun dick is indeed very fitting😁.

Sandra1984 · 17/08/2023 15:24

Whenthepartysover · 17/08/2023 15:11

@Gymnopedie well I called him and he just seemed in a bad mood but he was trying to be nice, he wasn't acting frustrated or anything. I mentioned coming tomorrow and he said yeah that's fine. He asked me how I am and I said I just feel so upset still and don't think I'll feel better until we all speak and I see her. He said "I don't get why you are being like this" and I felt my anger spike again how many times do I need to explain it? I told him I didn't expect to feel this way but I do, and all I needed from him was some reassurance and maybe an explanation as to why they were taking strolls in the park instead of her sight seeing Manchester like I thought she would? I said I felt like I have been mislead about what the trip is for, and now that she's here you're accompanying her I don't feel comfortable with it. I wanted to voice my concerns because why would I not? Why would I keep it bottled up? It's something that we have to talk about.
He said it's ruined her trip and he's had to ship her off to a hotel. I said she's a grown woman!!! It was her idea to come to the UK on her own, she doesn't need you to hold her hand and text her when you're not with her, she can manage on her own, that was her original plan anyway. She hasn't been dropped in the wilderness, she will cope perfectly fine for a couple of days in a hotel.

Anyway the conversation ended with me just saying we need to hang up the phone because we are going round in circles.

Poor American woman, you ruined her trip and now you must feel "bad and guilty" of your actions. She came to be with British poet so he could show her around Manchester and make her another baby and you got in between them ruining her fun. He knew this was going to hurt you and now he's gaslighting you full mode here. Basically she's prioritising this woman over his own girlfriend, so now you know his priorities.

Turfwars · 17/08/2023 15:34

He's guilting and gaslighting you because she's going home and he wants to continue with you as a back up plan.
Please don't be his back up.

Honestly the way you're going, you are probably going to be forced to apologise to this gobshite and his internet love interest for daring to...feel like a girlfriend if you don't cop on and just tell him neither of them are actually worth your time or effort.

She clearly doesn't want to meet you. That's OW shit right there. If she was his friend who meant that much to her she travelled to spend a week with him, she'd be interested in all the things important in his life - and top of the list would be meeting his girlfriend.

HellonHeels · 17/08/2023 15:39

"ruined her trip" don't make me laugh, her trip was boring AF all she did was hang around.in a park in Manchester with a moody self obsessed dick of a man. Her trip was ruined before it started.

Please OP.don't put up with this shit from him. You're young, bright, studying for a great career and all your twenties ahead of you. You can do so much better and you deserve so much better.

WiddlinDiddlin · 17/08/2023 15:40

If this was another bloke who had arrived, and you thought the set up was:

He stays in the spare room, your BF shows him where the buses/trains are, they might have a drink one night and the rest of the time he amuses himself...

And then it turns out its really:

He stays in the spare room but your BF spends a whole week entertaining and amusing him, to the exclusion of you, and any time you do spend with your BF he spends his entire time texting the visitor...

Would you be as upset?

I think I probably would.

But I think this is also revealing that your BF is not who you thought he was - if he cannot understand why you feel unhappy that even on a day out with you, he's absorbed in his relationship (whatever that is) with someone else, to the point he's rubbish company... He is a bit of a clueless twat at best!

And yes, you're right, this woman flew a long way to a country where she knows no one but him, if she has nothing to do, nowhere to go and is upset she doesn't feel comfy about being alone, that is very much on her!

Dolores87 · 17/08/2023 15:41

Whenthepartysover · 17/08/2023 15:00

@CurlyhairedAssassin all of that also ran through my mind as well. Which is why I asked my boyfriend what it was doing there. However he was just acting totally oblivious and just kept saying he doesn't know what it is even when I explained to him what it is. I decided that I trust him so I left the topic alone after that because I really can't see him cheating I just don't think he would. An emotional affair, yes. But I just don't think he'd have sex with someone else.

The issue to this whole thing is that when I initially told him I was feeling uncomfortable with this, he was treating it very delicately but then grew frustrated which then made me frustrated and it went on from there. It felt like he was putting her feelings and comfort in front of my own, which hurt me. I didn't ask him to make her stay in a hotel, they decided that between themselves which then made me feel guilty. But when I came at the weekend and he was constantly texting her we had another argument and he got very annoyed saying he feels like he's on damage control and doesn't know what more to do. I said well just stop texting her and focus on us for today, but he got really annoyed and said but she doesn't know where she is and it's completely unfair on her. Which fuelled my anger because I felt like what about being unfair on me? And then it just spiralled on. It feels like every time we speak I try to have a civilised conversation and move forwards but we always end up getting frustrated and annoyed with each others responses

Tbh if you are absolutely sure he wouldn't cheat on you i can see your boyfriends point of view.

He asked you if you he could have this friend stay. You said yes, so he has clearly invited her to stay.

You have then got really insecure and upset and the conversations between you has meant hes asked her to stay in a hotel. Which isn't your fault but I also understand why shes now in a hotel. He Its an incredibly awkward situation hes now in as hes clearly invited this friend to stay and now hes asked her to stay in a hotel. If he was ignoring her messages on that day leaving her stuck not knowing where she is a foreign country its even more awkward and hes probably at risk of loosing the friendship thats important to him as can you imagine being here coming to visit a friend and then that friend sacking you off and ignoring you while you were saying you didnt know where you were?

Hes probably standoffish with you because he is mad about the whole thing.

There is no evidence of cheating here just a super awkward situations and perhaps a naive boyfriend regarding this womens feelings.

I honestly think alot of women here are not really helping you as they are really indulging your insecurities and encouraging you to be suspicious on the basis of assumptions. It is understandable to feel insecure. I think it would have been better if you had said in the first place she should stay in a hotel but unfortunately you thought you would feel ok about it and you didn't.

I wouldnt reflect some of the ott opinions and advice at him tbh its just going to make the situation worse. If the tables were turned how would you feel if your partner was implying you would cheat on them?

If you do truly believe he wouldnt have sex with someone else then ultimately this womens just going to go back to America and thatll be that. I really doubt shell be paying another few grand to come visit again after this so i wouldnt worry on that front even if she did want more from their friendship and hes naive about it.

And id give your bf some space to cool off and then talk to him about why you felt insecure. He might be more aproachable when emotions are less high and the situation less awkward.

Dolores87 · 17/08/2023 15:48

I mean i think the women is having a personal crisis and has thought there was more to her trip then there is. I think she has bullshitted him about saying she was having a trip to Manchester so she could see him, but all the stuff about her abandoning her kids is rediculous and ultimately if you trust your boyfriend it doesn't really matter what she wishes to be true especially as shes going off to Manchester again. I think your boyfriend is naive but all the posts mocking him for being a poet or having a man bun are pretty cruel.

Sandra1984 · 17/08/2023 15:50

Dolores87 · 17/08/2023 15:41

Tbh if you are absolutely sure he wouldn't cheat on you i can see your boyfriends point of view.

He asked you if you he could have this friend stay. You said yes, so he has clearly invited her to stay.

You have then got really insecure and upset and the conversations between you has meant hes asked her to stay in a hotel. Which isn't your fault but I also understand why shes now in a hotel. He Its an incredibly awkward situation hes now in as hes clearly invited this friend to stay and now hes asked her to stay in a hotel. If he was ignoring her messages on that day leaving her stuck not knowing where she is a foreign country its even more awkward and hes probably at risk of loosing the friendship thats important to him as can you imagine being here coming to visit a friend and then that friend sacking you off and ignoring you while you were saying you didnt know where you were?

Hes probably standoffish with you because he is mad about the whole thing.

There is no evidence of cheating here just a super awkward situations and perhaps a naive boyfriend regarding this womens feelings.

I honestly think alot of women here are not really helping you as they are really indulging your insecurities and encouraging you to be suspicious on the basis of assumptions. It is understandable to feel insecure. I think it would have been better if you had said in the first place she should stay in a hotel but unfortunately you thought you would feel ok about it and you didn't.

I wouldnt reflect some of the ott opinions and advice at him tbh its just going to make the situation worse. If the tables were turned how would you feel if your partner was implying you would cheat on them?

If you do truly believe he wouldnt have sex with someone else then ultimately this womens just going to go back to America and thatll be that. I really doubt shell be paying another few grand to come visit again after this so i wouldnt worry on that front even if she did want more from their friendship and hes naive about it.

And id give your bf some space to cool off and then talk to him about why you felt insecure. He might be more aproachable when emotions are less high and the situation less awkward.

Show quote history

you sound like a good person and there is some projection in your post, I also think this is naive thinking. Nothing wrong with having a female friend visiting from another country (at least I wouldn’t have a problem), but this story sounds dodgy as hell.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 17/08/2023 15:50

OP - I really would ignore @Dolores87 advice.

Honestly if someone told me your situation outside of MN I’d be like “pull the other one”. It really really is dodgy as F. Who knows if he’s planning on flying to see her or not? He probably is.

TheGoodBanana · 17/08/2023 15:52

Whenthepartysover · 17/08/2023 10:36

To the people saying I am BU, I know. I do understand that I told him this was ok, and then felt different once it happened. I didn't mean for it to happen, I honestly was fine with it when he told me. I just thought that she was planning the trip anyway and he just offered her a place to stay. I didn't realise he would be going with her on day trips. I thought she would be off doing her own thing since she would've been doing anyway if my boyfriend didn't offer his spare room. Her initial plan was to stay in hotels. But then my boyfriend offered.

In terms of the ovulation, I don't think she wanted to be pregnant by him, I just thought it was rude and annoyed me. Although it's not my house so again, I may just be being unreasonable here and I can accept that. I think I have been more than accommodating to this whole situation. He met a woman on Instagram, sparked up a friendship with him, they speak every day and night while I'm at uni. And now she's leaving ovulation sticks in his bin and continuing to text him all day when she knows we are together after not seeing each other all week and trying to sort things out. What is so important that she can't just leave him alone for a day? I just feel like she's taking the piss out of me.

But again, I am very willing to accept that I am in the wrong here and I will apologise and try to patch it up. He is the one who wanted to stay at him mum's but I said if he doesn't want to spend the night with me I will go to my mum's instead because he shouldn't have to leave his own house. I am back at uni now and can't concentrate on my lectures because I'm getting stressed about it all and dont know if I've just completely messed everything up or whether I was within my rights to feel that way

Aren't uni's on summer break at the moment?

MysteryBelle · 17/08/2023 15:52

@Whenthepartysover, I’ve read your posts but haven’t time to read any of the comments.

To me, it is very obvious what is going on. The woman came to see your boyfriend for a romantic week. They have been getting close for months online. You can’t believe one word that he says to you so stop being confused and marveling over why you can’t reconcile his excuses and explanations and feigned ignorance with Truth’s Reality. Never the twain shall meet.

The ovulation stick is to check whether it’s safe to have sex without conceiving. She is a ‘natural family planning’ gal. She left the strip, unwrapped, not bothering to discreetly enclose it in bathroom tissue like she normally would even at home, in the open bin on purpose so you’d see it.

So yes, she probably had sex with him, if you left him alone long enough for them to have the chance. You are chasing him all over creation just as she is. He is spoilt for choice as they say. He is amenable to keeping you as a steady lay (sorry) every weekend but only if you don’t kick up too much of a fuss over his ahem creative endeavors.

The fact she is married and has five children and lives in America is of no moment because as you can now see, she managed to shake free of all shackles and land on his very doorstep. Of course she didn’t go anywhere except where he is. That’s why she came. Not to see the sights.

Everything will make sense to you when you realize how their behavior is exactly in line with what they want. And what they want, clearly, is to meet up for intimate shenanigans. In a nutshell.

You said you are the one who has to call him and try to figure out things. Stop doing that.

The relationship you have with him is over. It is so over that he can pretend to act oblivious with a straight face re the ovulation strip and all will be well because he knows you are all in no matter what and he doesn’t care one way or the other. You may never have had a relationship with him, he does as he pleases. Why are you pursuing someone who isn’t pursuing you?

Bin him face up in the trash can, Op. Dobt bother to wrap up this relationship nearly and try to understand it because you as a person with integrity will never understand two people with no integrity, a man who is two timing you with a woman who has left her husband and children to have a fling with an ‘poet’ in another country. Can you imagine what trite faux-intellectual poetic smarmy bs they were saying to each other lying in the grass at the park? 🤮

Move forward. Focus on yourself and your goals and dreams. Here is a little secret. You won’t have all this anguish when you find the right person. It won’t be all this hard work. It will be easy. The right one would never ever do what this buffoon did to you.

Carry on and hold your high and hold your standards even higher.

MysteryBelle · 17/08/2023 15:53

The party’s over, @Whenthepartysover.

MarkWithaC · 17/08/2023 15:53

TheGoodBanana · 17/08/2023 15:52

Aren't uni's on summer break at the moment?

Show quote history

The summer break thing has been covered, if you read the OP's posts.

applesandmares · 17/08/2023 15:55

She left the strip, unwrapped, not bothering to discreetly enclose it in bathroom tissue like she normally would even at home

Lol I never wrap ovulation sticks in toilet roll to be discreet at home 😂

Original poster
Whenthepartysover · 17/08/2023 15:55

@Dolores87 I know and I understand he is in an awkward position. But I feel hurt and a bit deceived.

This is how the conversation went when he asked me about the trip. "Hey, Claire has told me that she's been saving to come to Manchester and she's about to book her flights. She asked me where some of the best hotels are and asked if I would be willing me meet up a couple of times while she's over here?" I was like ok cool sounds good. Then he said he has invited her to stay at his instead to save her money on accommodation and am I ok with that. I said yeah it's ok, but I'd also like to meet her while she's here, seeing as he has formed quote an intense friendship with her online. He said yeah that's fine. On the run up to her coming, he compiled a list for her of sightseeing things to do in Manchester and said he was going to give it to her.

But now she's here, that isn't the scenario at all.
I'm sick of being cool calm and collected about this and people missing the point. It's not about the fact that she's here. I haven't suddenly just changed my mind and had a go at him. I asked him what he was up to. He replied chilling in the park with Claire after a lovely stroll. And it took me off guard. I'd spoken to him previously that day and he never mentioned going to the park. Obviously he doesn't have to tell me his exact say by day plans but it seems like something you'd bring up. I tried not to mention it because I knew it would make him feel bad and awkward etc and I just thought.. well this is my own issue so just get on with it there's nothing I can do. However when he asked me if I'm ok, I decided not to say "I'm fine" when I'm not, and actually communicate the face that they're not even sightseeing. They're just hanging around together. So then what is the real purpose or her trip and why wasn't he honest? If he would've just been reassuring then this would have gone a lot better. But the fact he doesn't even understand how I could feel upset and uncomfortable right now is really really disappointing to me and I would expect more from my boyfriend quite frankly

OP posts:
Alstro · 17/08/2023 15:56

Speaking every day online? Sorry they are shagging.

ManateeFair · 17/08/2023 15:58

Whenthepartysover · 17/08/2023 15:11

@Gymnopedie well I called him and he just seemed in a bad mood but he was trying to be nice, he wasn't acting frustrated or anything. I mentioned coming tomorrow and he said yeah that's fine. He asked me how I am and I said I just feel so upset still and don't think I'll feel better until we all speak and I see her. He said "I don't get why you are being like this" and I felt my anger spike again how many times do I need to explain it? I told him I didn't expect to feel this way but I do, and all I needed from him was some reassurance and maybe an explanation as to why they were taking strolls in the park instead of her sight seeing Manchester like I thought she would? I said I felt like I have been mislead about what the trip is for, and now that she's here you're accompanying her I don't feel comfortable with it. I wanted to voice my concerns because why would I not? Why would I keep it bottled up? It's something that we have to talk about.
He said it's ruined her trip and he's had to ship her off to a hotel. I said she's a grown woman!!! It was her idea to come to the UK on her own, she doesn't need you to hold her hand and text her when you're not with her, she can manage on her own, that was her original plan anyway. She hasn't been dropped in the wilderness, she will cope perfectly fine for a couple of days in a hotel.

Anyway the conversation ended with me just saying we need to hang up the phone because we are going round in circles.

Having read your updates, OP, I think I can now understand your gut feeling about this situation a bit better than I could from your initial post. I agree that there is a difference between someone coming to see and England and making your boyfriend's house her base while she's here, and someone coming to spend the week with him. Yeah, a day off for him to show her the city centre maybe or a meal out in the evening, but it does sound like she's basically come here purely to see him.

I do think it's a bit shit for her that she's had to move to a hotel, as she won't have budgeted for that or be prepared for a hotel trip, so I don't think that's not a big deal - but now that she IS in a hotel, I would have expected her to be off sightseeing and exploring and doing her own thing independently rather than sitting there texting your boyfriend.

I'm actually wondering if your boyfriend is a bit naive about her and her intentions/feelings. It's not especially common for a 33-year-old woman with a husband and five kids to have a long-haul holiday on her own to stay at the home of someone she's never actually met, is it? And especially as she's told him she's not happy in her marriage. It's perfectly possible that your boyfriend honestly doesn't see what's under his nose, and therefore can't see why you're feeling uncomfortable.

MarkWithaC · 17/08/2023 15:59

I do think it's a bit shit for her that she's had to move to a hotel, as she won't have budgeted for that or be prepared for a hotel trip

SO not the OP's problem.

MysteryBelle · 17/08/2023 16:01

applesandmares · 17/08/2023 15:55

She left the strip, unwrapped, not bothering to discreetly enclose it in bathroom tissue like she normally would even at home

Lol I never wrap ovulation sticks in toilet roll to be discreet at home 😂

I do. I also don’t leave liquid soap dripping out of the dispenser when I use it because I’m neat like that 😂

Dolores87 · 17/08/2023 16:09

Sandra1984 · 17/08/2023 15:50

you sound like a good person and there is some projection in your post, I also think this is naive thinking. Nothing wrong with having a female friend visiting from another country (at least I wouldn’t have a problem), but this story sounds dodgy as hell.

Show quote history

I don't think it sounds dodgy in terms of her boyfriends actions atleast from what has been said here and I think its helpful if she wants to resolve things with her boyfriend that she hears his potential point of view which I can understand as i have quite a few male friends some who are very important to me id be so annoyed with my OH if he had said it was ok to have one stay and then this unfolded. Like id be so mad.

I think his friend wants more from their friendship but she hasn't really said anything that seems to imply he does. He is coming across naive.

When I was in my early 20s i was super insecure in relationships (actually tbh i still am, i get super jealous all the time and i get super insecure which is so hypocritical of me considering the friendships i have) and i projected that at my relationships and nothing ever good came from it except i destroyed a lot of my relationships. Ive had to learn to not project my insecurities really and to build evidence before jumping to conclusions as people dont like (me included) being told who to spend time with in life and i think that leads to problems long term.

I find it pretty poor to be trying to convince someone their partner is cheating based on such little evidence. Some of the comments here are really ott. If i had made this thread at this age id be so upset based on these replies and really escalated the situation with my bf about it.

If she shares something about his behavior thats suspicious af id be the first to say "actually i think i have assessed this wrong and i think he is cheating" but i am not seeing that about his behavior so far i think his behaviour is understandable if he is indeed innocent and naive in this situation and i think its important for her to consider that alongside all these "omg dump him opinions".

If the OP wants to keep her relationship i dont think an all guns blazing approach like being recommended alot her is going to help her.

Thats my opinion anyway.

ManateeFair · 17/08/2023 16:10

MarkWithaC · 17/08/2023 15:59

I do think it's a bit shit for her that she's had to move to a hotel, as she won't have budgeted for that or be prepared for a hotel trip

SO not the OP's problem.

I didn't say it was the OP's problem! It clearly isn't.

I just meant that I can see why the boyfriend would feel really bad about booting Claire out of his house. It's not the OP's problem at all - I'm just saying I don't think it's accurate to suggest that Claire having to go to a hotel isn't a big deal for her and/or the boyfriend.

Crikeyalmighty · 17/08/2023 16:11

@Whenthepartysover if he really really cared about you OP, then he wouldn't give a shit about some random off the internet if it was upsetting you . I find when men are really into someone they often get more obsessive than many women with texting and going out their way. Would you like to take bets that if you ignore him and leave him to it that within a month they will be 'in a relationship' ! I'm happy to wager £50

LadyLindaT · 17/08/2023 16:14

If someone gives you this much stress and worry, why bother with them?

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