Woman from America staying at my boyfriends place

[Whenthepartysover]

Me and my boyfriend have been together two years. I am 23 and he is 27. I am currently at uni in Leeds but I go to his at the weekends in Manchester.

He is a bit of an artsy type, he is a graphic designer and a freelance photographer. He writes poetry and has an Instagram account where he uploads all of his poems and short videos of spoken word. It's a bit of a community and he speaks to lots of people on the platform. He has been speaking to this woman now for a while. I didn't really have a problem with it because she lives in America and is married with 5 children. Plus I trust my boyfriend and try to be rational about things.

She told him she was taking a trip to the UK alone and he asked me if I would mind if she stayed with him so that she could save on accommodation and also have someone there who she knows and trusts. I said it was ok. I don't know why I said this.. I honestly felt ok about it at the time.

All the plans were made and he picked her up from the airport on a Sunday evening and I went back to uni. On Monday I was sat in my uni room alone studying and I text him to ask what he was up to. He said he had taken 'Claire' to the park and they were lay around on the grass. I immediately felt a rush of emotion imagining him strolling through the park with this woman. I couldn't control it I got very upset. I think it was because I was just sat there alone and he was with another woman. I trusted that he wouldn't do anything bad or disrespectful but I suddenly just felt very uncomfortable and like I was a bit of a mug. I tried not to tell him how I felt because what's done is done, she's here now. Nothing I can do. I just didn't realise that he would be out doing things with her. I thought he was just providing her a spare room to stay.

I did end up telling him how upset I was and he said "I did worry that this would happen". We ended up having an argument and I know that I am the one being unreasonable here. I said something was ok and then changed my mind once it happened. That's not his fault. I said I'd prefer it if he let her get on with things on her own. He was saying that it's unfair as she is in an unfamiliar country on her own and doesn't want to abandon her, and his mum agrees. Anyway she ended up staying in a hotel the next night.

It came to the weekend and I went to his. At this point she was in a hotel. I said I wanted to spend the weekend doing nice things together after our argument and just try to sort it out. I got to his to find an ovulation stick in his bathroom bin. Is it just me or is that weird? I don't know what is happening in her life. She may be struggling with conceiving and is being very strict with tracking. She already has 5 children though but that's none of my business. I just find it a bit rude to take an ovulation test and put it in the bin that's wide open. I would've wrapped it up and chucked it in the outside bin if I was in someone else's house. The bin doesn't have a lid. It's one of those bins you'd have in your bedroom but in the bathroom (he's a guy so never really had anything to put in it). I was a bit annoyed about it because I felt like she was taking the piss. But I tried to move past it and have a nice weekend. However he was just on his phone constantly replying to her texts while we were out. We had another argument and I have gone home to my mum's and we haven't spoken since.

I don't know where to go from here. I know this is my fault. But I really need some outside perspective on this. How would you feel? Do I even have a right to be upset? Do we just wait for her to go back home and then try and move past it or is it the end of the relationship? I'm trying to think logically and rationally without heightened feelings of jealousy in the way. But it's hard.

Joni Mitchell was a talented and important artist in her own right. I am envisaging someone more along the lines of Kristen Schaal’s character Mel from Flight of the Conchords

You’re thinking of the Clearblue ones. I think this is more likely to be the little matchstick type. Nobody buys the horrendously expensive clear blue ones unless TTC.

The ovulation stick is probably because she wanted to have sex but was just checking she wasn't ovulating, because she doesn't want baby number 6. I would confront him about it.

Yeah, this. It's just really really odd behaviour. Something isn't right.

OP you said you called him and it didn't go well. Can you clarify?

Already been said but I used ovulation tracking as a successful form of contraception for 15 years, if she is a natural / hippy type or just someone who doesn't like hormonal contraceptives then it would make sense she is tracking for sexual purposes. Who would be tracking for TTC when they aren't with their husband 👀 (p.s I don't recommend this method for contraception, although it did me wonderfully it's failed for many and I'm just putting this disclaimer out there so I'm not responsible for any surprise babies... ok great thanks for reading 😂)

Just reading back through other posts and "man bun poem dick" has me howling 🤣🤣🤣

Totally agree with all of this. OP, you said she had an unhappy marriage. I wonder what her husband back at home thinks of her going off on a longhaul flight to stay with some bloke she chats with online every day. I mean, REALLY.....

Or has she even told him? Is she lying to him saying she's gone to stay with a female friend?

The ovulation kit is frankly weird. Is it THAT unhappy a marriage if she needs to track her ovulation? Because if that were me, A) we wouldn't be having sex at all cos things would have got so bad, or B), even if sex was occasional, I wouldnt' need to track ovulation because I sure as hell would be belt and braces with the contraception to avoid any possibility of bringing a child into that unhappy situation.

I smell a big fat, stinky rat.

I think this women is cheeky asking for free accommodation. Don't think I would believe the tale that she has 5 children. Whole thing sounds mad.

LTB. When you're in your 30s you will laugh out loud that you ever agonised over a man who writes poetry and plays guitar and has a man bun and sees nothing strange about inviting a woman over who has 5 kids that he's only ever spoken to online to hang out in a park in Manchester. 😬

It's a rite of passage to have shitty boyfriends when you're at uni, but time to end it I think.

Oh boy, OP. This just gets worse. I think at least on her side she is hoping for some kind of way out of an unhappy marriage via your boyfriend. So he may not have the feels for her, but I bet she does because of the distance she's travelled and because she isn't going to places without him! This is really no good for him nor is it good for you, either.

Strange parallels with my bf at university. She was in a relationship with a glamorous older man from her hometown. She spent the entire 3 years schlepping backwards and forwards on the train to see him and pining for him during the week. Towards the end of her degree he started to cool down, then as soon as she graduated he dumped her and almost immediately married an older American woman who was more 'his type'. What a waste of what should have been the best years of her life.

Yeah but even so, she doesn’t need to track for contraceptive purposes if she isn’t with her husband at the moment. Unlike a contraceptive pill, it’s not something she needs to use every day

You are absolutely right. I apologise to Joni. I don't know why I said that. Manson girl? ( am kidding about that too).

Maybe that's how she sources her offspring. Who flies from America to spend time in Manchester (no offence!). It is all pretty obvious what is going on.

This. Sorry OP but you know this isn't right and you deserve so much better than this.

@CurlyhairedAssassin all of that also ran through my mind as well. Which is why I asked my boyfriend what it was doing there. However he was just acting totally oblivious and just kept saying he doesn't know what it is even when I explained to him what it is. I decided that I trust him so I left the topic alone after that because I really can't see him cheating I just don't think he would. An emotional affair, yes. But I just don't think he'd have sex with someone else.

The issue to this whole thing is that when I initially told him I was feeling uncomfortable with this, he was treating it very delicately but then grew frustrated which then made me frustrated and it went on from there. It felt like he was putting her feelings and comfort in front of my own, which hurt me. I didn't ask him to make her stay in a hotel, they decided that between themselves which then made me feel guilty. But when I came at the weekend and he was constantly texting her we had another argument and he got very annoyed saying he feels like he's on damage control and doesn't know what more to do. I said well just stop texting her and focus on us for today, but he got really annoyed and said but she doesn't know where she is and it's completely unfair on her. Which fuelled my anger because I felt like what about being unfair on me? And then it just spiralled on. It feels like every time we speak I try to have a civilised conversation and move forwards but we always end up getting frustrated and annoyed with each others responses

Trust your spidey senses op - they’re actually excellent. It wasn’t that you said ok, and then unreasonably and irrationally weren’t ok; you pinged at the moment it became crystal clear that this trip wasn’t adding up.

As for the ovulation stick - it strikes me as territory marking. Most women are overly discreet about bathroom bins. My guess is that she knew fine and well that you’d see it.

But at the end of the day she’s irrelevant; what matters is your bf. He doesn’t seem concerned about your feelings, and he isn’t taking steps to repair the breech between you. If he doesn’t care enough, he isn’t the man for you.

A pp said that your early twenties could be so much better than this and I agree. You won’t get these years back.

He is frustrated and annoyed because you're bringing up points that he can't answer without giving himself and this woman away.

She came to spend the week with him. No one plans a trip to just Manchester from America - it’s either London or she’d be travelling around the north and doing the Lake District and Scotland - at the very least a trip to York.

She came over to spend a week with your boyfriend because she has feelings for him.

How much of that he knew before she arrived is uncertain but he definitely knows now and if he still hasn’t worked it out then he’s a moron.

So at this point he’s either too deceitful or too stupid for you to waste any more of your precious time - especially the fun university years - on.

Oh bless you - this has got to me for some reason. Please stop saying this is your fault, how on earth can it be?

In my opinion, you are not being unreasonable on any level. Of course you weren't to know that once said visitor was here, you would feel entirely different about the situation. And there's a reason why you've turned turtle, it sounds like the original set-up was intended to be very different to what actually happened. Was it ever going to be 'just a place for her to sleep' though? It's pretty hard to have someone over to stay that you've never met before, and then largely leave them to their own devices in a foreign country. So it's understandable that your bf has become more involved with her than he possibly intended, but that doesn't mean you've suddenly got to like it or be ok with it. I wouldn't either, to be honest.

As regards the ovulation test....WTF does she need that for if her husband is across the ocean? What's he going to do if she's ripe - post a sample of man goo across the pond for her to use? Forgive me if it's been asked already - but have you asked your bf what the heck it's all about?

If you can, just try and keep a low profile until she's gone and take it from there. If there's more to it than meets the eye, you'll soon know by his demeanor once she has left to return home.

I'm sorry OP, this must be distressing and hope you manage to get to the bottom of it.

@Gymnopedie well I called him and he just seemed in a bad mood but he was trying to be nice, he wasn't acting frustrated or anything. I mentioned coming tomorrow and he said yeah that's fine. He asked me how I am and I said I just feel so upset still and don't think I'll feel better until we all speak and I see her. He said "I don't get why you are being like this" and I felt my anger spike again how many times do I need to explain it? I told him I didn't expect to feel this way but I do, and all I needed from him was some reassurance and maybe an explanation as to why they were taking strolls in the park instead of her sight seeing Manchester like I thought she would? I said I felt like I have been mislead about what the trip is for, and now that she's here you're accompanying her I don't feel comfortable with it. I wanted to voice my concerns because why would I not? Why would I keep it bottled up? It's something that we have to talk about.
He said it's ruined her trip and he's had to ship her off to a hotel. I said she's a grown woman!!! It was her idea to come to the UK on her own, she doesn't need you to hold her hand and text her when you're not with her, she can manage on her own, that was her original plan anyway. She hasn't been dropped in the wilderness, she will cope perfectly fine for a couple of days in a hotel.

Anyway the conversation ended with me just saying we need to hang up the phone because we are going round in circles.

She fancies an English "poet". That would be your boyfriend. She fancies him to the point she has flown from the US to spend a week with him. God knows what kind of marriage she has. She's left five young children to spend a week with a "poet" she met on the internet. Leaves her ovulation stick in the bin for all to see.

She either wants to have sex with him and not get pregnant, or wants to have sex with him and get pregnant, but she hasn't come to see Manchester's intersting architecture. I don't know why you keep saying you trust him. I wouldn't. His behaviour is as odd as hers.

I'm so sorry OP. What a horrid situation. I'd feel uncomfortable too, I mean nothing seems to make sense about this story! A married woman with five children leaves America for (of all places...) Manchester... with no plan, except to see your partner? The whole thing is a red flag.

Reading all of this in the most generous way possible, perhaps he has actually deluded himself into thinking this is all innocent and they're just super close buddies, but deep down, he knows he's putting a random stranger before you, and that says it all.

I like Manchester a lot but it being on the bucket list of a person in America is nonsense