To ask my neighbour to not let her children stand on a table and hang over our fence?

[twinkie100]

For context, we have been in our house for some years and some new neighbours moved in a few months ago.
Lovely family with three children - very polite and well behaved.

The issue is for the past few months they have been standing on a table their side, hanging over our fence and 'playing' with my kids. They chat to each other, pass toys and games, share sweets etc.
At first it all seemed very sweet and lovely, but...

Over the passed few weeks my husband and I have realised this is impacting us negatively:

1. This is the biggest - my eldest now only is interested in them, and now no longer plays with my youngest. Up until this started, they played so well together with really active imaginative games. Now my youngest is ALWAYS left out in his own home, and it's impacting him and us.

My eldest will also ignore family members that are visiting etc. in favour of them. Really they are all she thinks about, checking if their car is there etc.

1. We feel like we've lost our privacy. The kids are always there, always chatting to us and can see right into our kitchen / through our house.

1. Families are all different, no judgement, but they are allowed things my kids aren't... lots of sweets, games on mobile phones. They are constantly offering sweets which I have to say no to (cue, tantrums) or passing phones over the fence etc.

My eldest is now asking for things we don't want to introduce yet.

1. I just want our garden back! Feel like I've inherited 3 extra kids 🤣

We got rid of a playhouse (!) my eldest was standing on to chat to them to help reduce the issue. We've tried talking to her to encourage more time with her brother / family garden time. It hasn't fixed it.

After a lot of thought, I am thinking of popping next door with a bunch of flowers, saying how lovely her kids are, but that we have realised we need some more privacy as a family... can her kids stop standing on a table and hanging over our fence. I can explain we spend time out there as a family, it's impacting our youngest, etc.
We can arrange park play dates etc. for the kids to still play.

What do you think, AIBU..?

It's about to be Winter. Just leave them to it and let weather sort things.

You can't force siblings to play together so I'd encourage other friendships for your younger one.

The rest of it...meh.

Aw you can't expect and older sibling to be entertaining her db all the time, she's probably naturally getting to the age she doesn't so much want to anyway . It's great she has other friends and is able to be a bit more independent from him. The fence thing is a bit odd though. Don't you just invite them round or be invited?

If the fence is yours add a 3ft trellis to the top and grow a climber up it.

I think you're being unreasonable trying to stop neighbouring kids from speaking to each other.

I think you can ask the other parent to ask their kids to stop passing sweets.

Maybe if you explain the situation to your neighbour, and tell them that when you have free time, you will invite their kids round to yours. That way, they will still get time together, but hopefully the over the fence stuff will stop. Then make a point of inviting their kids round a couple of times a week, or whatever suits you, so that your eldest doesn't feel you are stopping them playing altogether, and then as another poster said, the colder weather, is likely to put an end to it anyway.

Just tell the kids nicely. Jump down now please Betty, we are just off to have tea/spend time as a family/do something else. It doesn't need to be unpleasant. It will come to a natural end anyway soon with winter and them growing older.

Yabu. Your eldest obviously likes the kids next door. Why can't she be friends with them? I had an older brother and no way would he have been expected to entertain me at the expense of his friends . He just wouldn't do it!!

Kids move on fast. Take your DC out a lot for a few weeks. Hang a washing line up to obstruct the view. Keep them apart and they'll move on to other things. This is probably easier than awkward conversations with the neighbour.

I had this with my new neighbour. I asked him if he knew his daughter was hanging over the fence and asked if he would mind asking her not to. All sorted no problem.

Personally I think YABU. It's the summer holidays, the children are making friends.

If there are problematic times e.g. family visiting, eating in the garden, playing as a family, you can ask the kids to come back another time. You're allowed to speak to other people's kids rather than the parents intervening, especially if they're NDN. We had our NDNs child hanging out of a second story window the other day to shout to my child, who was in our garden. Their parents obviously weren't aware because I could hear them downstairs, so I told him to stop hanging out a window because it was dangerous. I'm sure people would rather we look out for their children that way.

I have neighbours two gardens over and their children shout over the two gardens to mine a lot, as they can see in to our garden and know when our child is outside. If it's an awkward time (dinner outside etc) then I just shout over to tell them that X can't talk right now. If they're doing things like passing sweets then I'd also just say something. Their parents might not even know that there's any problems or even be aware of it.

Are they never allowed to come over snd play with your children and vice versa?

Popping over with a bunch of flowers to say your kids can't be friends would be really fucking weird.

This . And it's unfair on the eldest to expect them to always play with the youngest

Ok, thanks all - I see the consensus is IABU.
I think we need to manage it better... it's not just sometimes but the whole time we are home. We work full time with both kids in childcare/clubs with lots of friends and play dates, we are out on days out a lot, and just came back from two week holiday with friends so it's not like either of them are starved of age appropriate friendships.
I guess it's just felt a bit much - it's a high 7ft fence in a terrace and we just want some privacy / family time.
Will have a think about it all... thanks for the ideas.

Yes, I can see it’s annoying to have these children peering into your garden and invading your privacy. It sounds like the neighbours have facilitated it by providing the table to stand on so you need to be clear with them that’s it’s becoming annoying now and not just drop vague hints to them.

What’s the age difference between your two children? I don’t think it’s a good idea to try to force them to play together all the time, if they really don’t want to. The older one shouldn’t be a babysitter for your youngest child for your own convenience either. Let the older one have time with children her own age from time to time.

My best friend was forced to include her younger sister in everything we did and it ruined their sibling relationship. My friend graduated and emigrated abroad in her early twenties and left her sister behind and since their parents died, she hasn’t seen her sister in more than 20 years. She sends b’day cards etc. and that’s the extent of their relationship.

We had something similar in our last house. We planted a wall creeper and while waiting for that to grow on days we didn't want interaction, we told the next door kids it was family time today could they please not be hanging over the wall. I made sure I got my own to ignore the next door kids on those days or we'd go out. It broke the cycle of every day and they were allowed play together other days.

This. High fences make good neighbours.

Apart from them looking in your window everything else YABU

You can't expect your older child to entertain your youngest. This is going to happen more and more. The elder one will want to spend more time with own friends and less time with family. The genie is out of that bottle now.

Why not just ask them not to stand on the table re the privacy issue and take turns with them coming over to play your garden and your children going to play in their garden.

I'd hate this!! One solution would be to add a higher planet to dividing fence and grow something with thorns that climbs, train it over top and along. Approaching them is fine too. I couldn't cope with having my life invaded like that. Friends with kids, yes fine but uninvited landing in your life, no.

I miss the days of the little girls next door shouting over the fence stood on their climbing frame. DS and these little girls used to run in and out of both gardens. Little sods ate loads of my cherry tomatoes one year, covered in juice and seeds but they all denied it.

I used to have to entertain my younger sister I really bloody hated it.

I'd find this super annoying too, but still think YABU!

If the kids want to be friends then it's up to them really and eldest isn't a constant babysitter/ entertainment to the older one.

Oh OP give them a break! My own parents controlled who I was friends with in my younger years and even now as an adult, I hold resentment over it. It’s not your daughters duty to entertain her brother either. If he’s feeling left out, you can go and do your own thing with him etc. It’s healthy and perfectly normal to explore friendships outside of your own family at a young age!

Almost 50 years later, I’m still mates with the other little girl I spotted over the gardens. Playing with other kids on the street was the norm until the 1980s and the rise of the car. It was also normal to need to go in for your tea or bed, or have kids playing whose parents had different values.

Just tell them nicely when you want them to stop, most kids are quite amenable and used to adults telling them not to do stuff.