To ask my neighbour to not let her children stand on a table and hang over our fence?

[twinkie100]

For context, we have been in our house for some years and some new neighbours moved in a few months ago.
Lovely family with three children - very polite and well behaved.

The issue is for the past few months they have been standing on a table their side, hanging over our fence and 'playing' with my kids. They chat to each other, pass toys and games, share sweets etc.
At first it all seemed very sweet and lovely, but...

Over the passed few weeks my husband and I have realised this is impacting us negatively:

1. This is the biggest - my eldest now only is interested in them, and now no longer plays with my youngest. Up until this started, they played so well together with really active imaginative games. Now my youngest is ALWAYS left out in his own home, and it's impacting him and us.

My eldest will also ignore family members that are visiting etc. in favour of them. Really they are all she thinks about, checking if their car is there etc.

1. We feel like we've lost our privacy. The kids are always there, always chatting to us and can see right into our kitchen / through our house.

1. Families are all different, no judgement, but they are allowed things my kids aren't... lots of sweets, games on mobile phones. They are constantly offering sweets which I have to say no to (cue, tantrums) or passing phones over the fence etc.

My eldest is now asking for things we don't want to introduce yet.

1. I just want our garden back! Feel like I've inherited 3 extra kids 🤣

We got rid of a playhouse (!) my eldest was standing on to chat to them to help reduce the issue. We've tried talking to her to encourage more time with her brother / family garden time. It hasn't fixed it.

After a lot of thought, I am thinking of popping next door with a bunch of flowers, saying how lovely her kids are, but that we have realised we need some more privacy as a family... can her kids stop standing on a table and hanging over our fence. I can explain we spend time out there as a family, it's impacting our youngest, etc.
We can arrange park play dates etc. for the kids to still play.

What do you think, AIBU..?

I guess it's just felt a bit much - it's a high 7ft fence in a terrace and we just want some privacy / family time.

Just tell the kids to go away during family time. Or put up a higher fence, a trellis might do the job.

Put a row of cat spikes along the fence. That should at least stop them leaning over it.

I have this a bit with neighbours kids. In my situation the parents seem disinterested in entertaining their children so they are bored and bother us! You have to be blunt and not worry about it. I will just tell them that my kids aren’t playing today or they are busy. Don’t let these kids control what you do.

Omg @twinkie100 I hear you! My neighbour's kid stands on one of those benches beside his fence and starts talking. We cannot sit in the back garden, my 2 year old cannot potter about because he's talking to her non stop and distracting her.
Even when we're not in the garden he starts shouting my kids names, sometimes my kids are just chilling after summer camp and he's screaming for them. I've considered moving house tbh but that's not extreme. When he sees me coming he gets down because he knows what he's doing isn't right and I tell him to stop screaming for the kids. You're def not being unreasonable.

@Vintagebikini same here. Their parents can here them screaming my kids name but say nothing to them.

I’d start asking them round properly first once or twice a week - so they get time with each other (having neighbourhood friends is good!) and as part of this you can say Hi to the parents

Then when they climb on the table, you can say not now Lucy but we’ll look forward to seeing you Friday

If they won’t bugger off, then you can raise it with the parents, saying that it’s a bit distracting when you want your kids to be doing XYZ. Don’t take a bunch of flowers though, that would be weird.

Things like them having different rules or your older one wanted to play more with the kid their own age is just what happens as kids get older so no point worrying about holding back that tide.

If it's your fence snd they're constantly leaning on it that would annoy me. A 7ft fence should afford you privacy. I don't think it's unreasonable to speak with the parents and ask them to ensure their kids aren't constantly leaning over, also not offering 'prohibited' items.
I don't think the issue with your oldest enjoying their company is done thing you should be interfering either.id play with my sister sometimes out of necessity but I'd drop her like s hot brick when older/vibrant/fun kids were around.its not your eldests job to entertain their sibling.
You don't say how old yours are but sounds like you need to allow a bit more autonomy.

@mishmased omg I feel your pain!! It's very similar here... our garden is small but it's an extra room for us in the summer - it's like having 3 more kids in our living room 😂

@Vintagebikini 100% the issue here too.

Perhaps, as some have suggested, I should be more direct and just say 'how are you such and such? we are having family time now so see you later' etc.

Also, to be so crystal clear, the issue is not an older sibling being used as childcare / not allowed their own friends. Think my post must have read wrong.
No issues with them coming over for an invited play date, but would like all of this to be more on our terms! 🙃🤣

Oh - and to say kids are preschool and very early primary... still very young. Neighbours kids end of primary/beginning secondary

@twinkie100 our garden is small as well and our neighbours kids come over pretty much all the time. The main child is 11 so not pre school age. I told DH we have to with buy a gazebo/tent or grow plants on the fence just so we can sit out.

I'd get my lot to do the same back to them for a day or two. Best to do it when the other parents are also in he back garden. See if there's anything said to your kids. Then repeat it back to their kids.

It's very frustrating.

How about you stop your child from seeking them out? I am guessing you can't do this because your child would not comply or would be unhappy with you. By all means tell them but I would guess they will say that your child is encouraging it and that they had no idea it was an issue.

Plant some climbing roses there (before it gets cold) if you are worried about next year. Wham a trellis or some guide wires to the fence and problem is solved.

I would hate this! I like our garden to be our quiet space.
I think you just need to be firm but pleasant with the kids eg. “not today, we’re having family time but maybe I can talk to your parents about you coming over to play here another time”. If you haven’t asked the kids it is a bit unfair to go to the parents to complain.

That's horribly dangerous!!

You could try having a code like a flag in the garden or near the fence with a colour to show when it's family only time or chatting to friends time. When kids pop their head over and you're out as a family together you can say 'we're having family time now can you see the blue flag? When x is free to chat and play we don't have it up/ we'll have the yellow flag' - they will learn pretty quickly to peek and check that.

But really if you want rules and boundaries then you have to enforce them with your own kids - the neighbours won't take kindly to being told their children can't stand on stuff in their own garden. A trellis or extended fence your side (ie your own boundary) is all you can do, the other kids have every right to climb in their own garden

This is why you should never have a second child just to create a playmate for the first.

Let you DD make her own friends and you play with your younger DC, you chose to have him.

This is just life in terraced housing OP. Same as if you had a chatty adult neighbour always being friendly when you're wanting peace. Easier though with kids as you can be more direct. Is actually brilliant if kids are friends with neighbours' kids though - ready made entertainment on your doorstep, a "village' to look out for each other, and this sort of child led relationship is ideal for child development, negotiating boundaries, learning social cues etc. You just need to learn some techniques for indicating when it's not wanted.

This is probably a time limited problem then as the age gap is quite big and the next door kids will probably stop being so friendly to little ones.

If the fence is 7ft how high is the table? Surely too high for kids to climb on.

I'd ask the parents to move the table tbh. No problem with the kids being friends but restrict it to play dates

I agree with the previous posters whove said that older siblings not wanting to play as often with younger/preferring friends over family are all things that would surely happen soon anyway. Same with the other family having different rules to yours - I'm sure they aren't the only kids that have access to things yours don't, you're blaming the neighbours but if it wasn't them you'd almost definitely still be getting "but x's mum let's him have sweets/tablet/stay up" about other kids at school and clubs.

If you really want them to stop I'd focus on the danger aspect-young children balancing on a table to look over a seven foot fence isn't great. Tell the parents that they are leaning on the fence when they talk and you've seen parts of it wobbling that's why you took away the dollhouse on your side...you're scared that all it takes is one plank to break and the kids would be flat on their face/impaled! Say you're happy to facilitate the friendship with playdates...anything along the lines of wanting more private time as a family etc they are definitely going to take as "we don't like your kids."
(Caveat only do this if its your fence...if its theirs they might turn around and say "good point we'll take the fence down/lower it significantly!")