High school or home ed?

[Mountainhowl]

Our eldest will be going into year 6 this year, so there's been lots of talk around high schools recently, and I'm really undecided about what direction to go for him (undiagnosed but almost guaranteed ADHD, school haven't been overly helpful with moving forward with a diagnosis so far, I suspect it's not a priority as he isn't any 'trouble')

We have 2 local options, one that we are in catchment for which is known to be not great, not awful but not great, the other is locally known as the better school, but we would have to pay £200+ a term for the bus, and more worryingly - they are advertising vacancies for a good amount of core subject teachers, and have been for some time.

My lad is very much into what he's into and puts minimum effort into everything that doesn't interest him. He wants to work with computers in some capacity, and is also quite into history and some science (fossils etc, so tied in with history). He stims whenever he's concentrating (humming, so not subtle) and is quite behind his peers in some respects (he's a wizz on a pc but shite at sports for example) and he's quite a sensitive lad.

Quite honestly I think the kids at high school will eat him alive, but I also know he is going to struggle with the expectations of high school, so many more subjects, homework etc. I think he is especially going to struggle to keep up if he doesn't have actual regular teachers for the important subjects!

My thinking is that it almost seems like a waste of 5 years of his life for him to go there every day and probably take the bare minimum away from it, when we could tailor his education to cover the core subjects then focus on what he's actually interested in and/or good at.

But I'm also aware that just by going to school he may be exposed to subjects/ideas that he didn't think he would enjoy but actually does.

But also - AI could be changing the computer/coding industry in the next couple of years (or already is in some cases), would school curriculums adapt to this like we potentially could? I have no idea how we would but the flexibility to do so would be there...

I would just send him off and see how he does, but by that point we'll have spent £500+ on uniform, bus pass etc, that money is then gone as can't be used to buy courses or things to supplement his home learning.

Time wise we could make HE work, his younger brother would be starting primary as he is starting high school, we both work from home and OH would do the majority of the teaching, with the plan to supplement with courses and online tutors where needed.

I've looked at the online schools but unfortunately we are far too poor for these 😂

Sorry it's long, didn't want to drop feed!

Everything seems to lean towards HE but I'm worried we will be making the wrong decision and potentially ruining his life if we don't do a good job of it! AIBU to think HE is a good idea?

I don't think it is particularly useful to home educate while working full time.

Technically I work full time he works a few hours a week in our business and does most of the home stuff

How will you afford enrichment chances and down the line exam fees?

i am all for home Ed and it’s on the cards for ds if things go badly with school but it needs a lot of time and planning and realistically to ensure opportunities aren’t limited won’t come cheap.

have you spoken to the sencos at the schools which are options?

That is my other concern, we aren't massively high income and not a huge amount is disposable, but my thinking was for the amount the primary want for 3 nights away we could go as a family for a cheap few days away, and from what I remember of high school trips that is definitely the case!

There are obviously other smaller trips but it's usually only one a term I think? Which we could afford to do (and would be paying for at school anyway)

I'm not sure what else would need paying for outside of courses/tuition. We would get him into a club of some sort for socialising, this we could afford with the money saved on the buss pass

Exam fees I do expect to be much better off by then all going well! Obviously not a guarantee but if I'm not I'll be very pissed off with myself 😂

Do you have time in the day to be out and about? A big chunk of home ed, and what sounds like it would be beneficial to your DS, is the social side. Getting out and meeting others, doing classes, finding interests.

I think a lot of people think home ed is sitting in your house 9-3 doing school work, but where you benefit most is the community, the ability to arrange things yourself once into the swing of it, and really find their interests.

If you cant do this I would personally think about how you would fulfil the social side.

Join some home ed facebook groups, see if you can join some meet ups and talk to local people home educating to see what your area is like before making decisions. Depending on where you live, some areas are fantastic and have such a great community, others have far less. Its worth doing a little research for your area.

I will also say towards the upper end of home ed, it gets pricey. GCSEs can be costly, A levels even more so, so definitely consider this too. Check out your local area, where are exam centres, will you need to travel. You may think it is a way off but it soon comes around and the good thing with home ed is the ability to do exams at your pace, my youngest started hers at 14 to spread them out a bit. Helps spreading the cost and the studying.

We could definitely work around groups, me and my partner are mostly interchangeable at work, I'm just faster/enjoy it more so do the bulk, but if there were things going on outside the house he would just work instead (I'm the driver and he's a bit socially awkward 😂)

We did go to 'HE' groups when he was younger, put in quotation marks because he was 2/3 as where the majority of the kids 😂 we all just planned to HE, though I chickened out by school age.

He did thrive during lockdown, went from struggling through biff & chip to reading harry potter with confidence, and we mostly unschooled then because we had a newborn too, he just did the bare minimum online work (our primary were very relaxed), so I think the relaxed set up of HE would suit him far better than high school (and we don't want any more children 😂)

Have a look at the GCSE exam specifications. Could you/your husband realistically teach at least five of those subjects including English and Maths?

Tutors usually focus on weak areas and around here are £20-25 an hour, if you needed to get one to essentially teach the course would you be able to afford it?

HE can be a wonderful thing for the right family but it's a big step so please think it through carefully. Joining school at secondary if it doesn't work out and be difficult for children.

I'm quite good at English and science ,biology more than chemistry & physics, but I passed my triple award individual sciences GCSEs at top set (A in English language, A/B/C in bio/phys/chem iirc, so not top of the class but not struggling, top set for all subjects).

Partner is good with PC related things and history, and we can both scrape enough maths knowledge together to pass a maths gsce. The plan would be to follow online/paper resources and use those to ensure we are covering what needs to be covered, then we can spend more time on things he needs to go over more

So we could cover the core subjects and his current main interests without too much trouble, I don't think we would need tutors I guess, by that I mean more like the online group classes that some teachers run in evenings, they're not expensive but would be more as an additional thing for the core subjects rather than specific tutoring. Courses would be things like specific coding courses he's interested in

I wouldn't start out with HE based on unfounded fears that he'll be eaten alive. Kids can be much kinder/more inclusive than they used to be with much more awareness of ND and more kids affected by such things. It also doesn't seem like an ideal set-up at home - if you're concerned by the shortage of teachers in core subjects (which is a national issue schools are finding ways to deal with) then it's strange to switch him to HE with zero teacher in core subjects.

I also understand that buses and uniform costs money but so does HE - potentially a lot more if you're doing it properly over the whole of secondary, so I'd be worried that you're thinking of short term, smaller issues and not really the bigger picture. I would also have looked into getting him diagnosed privately in the situation you describe. The system is really strapped and focusing on kids with more severe difficulties so you can't wait for them to sort it even if it means stretching yourselves - sounds like your DP could work more hours to cover such costs.

Overall, I'm not against HE but in this case I don't think you've thought it through and need to give mainstream a shot before writing it off as a waste of time. Kids change a lot in secondary and you at least need to try it out until you've got a much better plan for how you'd HE him without him losing out.

my thinking was for the amount the primary want for 3 nights away we could go as a family for a cheap few days away, and from what I remember of high school trips that is definitely the case!

But a family trip can't replicate a school residential. The whole point of a school trip is that it's time away from the family, developing independence, skills, friendships.

Same with secondary schol. It's not just about the academics. It's the time when the young person begins to develop their own identity and independence and starts to have a life separate from their family.

Do you have any UTC (University Technology Colleges) near you? They are usually STEM specialist and start from Year 10 (but some earlier - I think the Sheffield one starts in Yr 9).
He could do 3 (or 2) years at a general secondary and then switch to a UTC. There are also “Studio Schools” which are smaller versions and usually a school -within - a - school.
Because these are specialist education you might get help on transport costs.

I suppose that is another point, I obviously know him now, and currently I fully expect him to live at home well into adulthood 😂 in some ways he is very much like me (also undiagnosed ADHD, there is no pathway for adult assessment in our area currently, I need to change surgeries to one down the road in a different county which does but thats something I haven't got around to yet) but I was much more academic and physically capable/willing.

But I suppose he could (and probably will) change a LOT in high school, maybe he'll get really into his school work and flourish, or make some really close friends and gain a lot more independence. I do worry that we would be holding him back from discovering something like that

I think this is reminding me of why we chose to send him to primary after initially wanting to HE. I mean we can have the best of intentions but we are still poor, and will forever be fighting with my own brain to keep things going in the right direction

But what school - the one in catchment, which is financially much better for us, but his 2 closest friends won't be going to, or the other which is locally thought of as better and his 2 friends are going to, but will cost us much more in transport/uniform (think blazers instead of jumpers) and must be using a lot of substitute teachers?

But what school - the one in catchment, which is financially much better for us, but his 2 closest friends won't be going to, or the other which is locally thought of as better and his 2 friends are going to, but will cost us much more in transport/uniform (think blazers instead of jumpers) and must be using a lot of substitute teachers?

These are the dilemmas of most parents with the switch to secondary. Generally I wouldn't worry about the friends not going there. Most kids start secondary without their primary school group and will make new friends anyway. So I'd go for the local one. You've always got the HE option as a back up but it doesn't sound like it should be the default choice out of fear. Let him try it and see how it pans out. Lots of kids have ups and downs but to pre-empt it being a non-starter when the alternative is far from ideal doesn't sound like a good strategy at this point. If the local one doesn't work out, the other school is also an option. You've got to try these things out and not jump to conclusions based on what you've heard or indeed on bus fares.

In your first paragraph, OP, you say that the school has t been helpful with a diagnosis. The school can’t diagnose, so do you mean that adjustments haven’t been made, or that support has not been forthcoming.

I think home schooling requires quite a lot of discipline, although the formal aspect of a classroom won’t be there and I know many HE focus on the subjects their children enjoy. Are you confident you can structure the day, so he gets a rounded education. I often think that teaching whilst wfh short changes both employer and child, but you will know better how you’ll make that work.

Early in the autumn term is the time when schools have their open evenings, so it might be worth going to the local ones and asking to speak to the SENCOs to see what they can offer, before you close the door on formal schooling.

I’d focus on getting him the adhd diagnosis and support/meds then make a decision. It could make a huge difference. Can your GP help if getting nowhere with school?

My ds (ASD and brain injury) was homeschooled up until year 5 but I found after then without online schooling that it was becoming increasingly challenging to give him a well rounded education. I’m not sure how academic your ds is but mine is quite bright and also loves coding which I couldn’t deliver at home. He’s currently at a mainstream secondary school and thriving. I recommend contacting the senco from both schools and seeing what adjustments can be made. I honestly believed DS would be eaten alive but he’s held his own (he can be quite overfriendly and he’s also quite sensitive). We have loads of accommodations such as headphones allowed in class, his books being left in the pastoral department to help with organisation, he doesn’t have to do PE and uses it as a slot for homework instead, time out card and he’s allowed to sit in pastoral during lunch times (where they can also help with homework). Computing is very current at his school and they also quite often have clubs for that sort of thing. Ds also lives history and science. If you decide on mainstream I would make sure you have an EHCP sorted out though so if your ds needs certain accommodations the school are obligated to follow them.

Also OP sometimes the school that is locally viewed as ‘worse’ can be better for kids with SEN. We chose the ‘worse’ school for our ds as the local ofsted outstanding were less flexible. Often outstanding schools are more grades and less mental health focused. Ds is going into year 9 now and even in the 2 years since he started secondary the reputation has changed. I would talk to the sencos directly and focus on the pastoral side.

Go and the SEN departments of both schools and see what they can do for him.

I'm a big fan of HE for square pegs, particularly if the only choice of schools you have are mediocre or ordinary. Rather than ask in the bear pit of AIBU, try the HE part of MN. A lot of people are very anti anyone making different parenting choices to their own, but you know your son best. I also think that your son won't get a 'well rounded education' in any comp, because our education system is shite. Encourage reading widely and let him follow whatever his particular passion is at the time. There are also many very good value OU intro courses on a huge range of STEM subjects, as well as a vast amount of info and idiots guides online as starting points to techy stuff. Good luck OP, don't let anyone put you off HE .

FWIW, as a secondary school teacher, I think if you can do HE (financially and logistically), and your son is also wanting that, then I would. I offer it to my son when he’s whingeing about school and he still feels school is the better option, but I think it’s definitely not a given for kids with any SEN needs (and many without). There is a lot to be gained and plenty of groups who can support you and give him social experiences. GCSE is the tricky stage as it can limit your options a bit, and get quite expensive, but it’s still better than years of feeling like failure. I don’t think HE is an easy option for kids with ADHD but then neither is mainstream schooling. However, I think it gives you an incredible opportunity to work on strategies to help him succeed in life beyond education - actually, the COVID lockdowns were transformative for us for this reason (I was lucky to be working part time and able to use the time for real 1-2-1 support and obviously lucky that I had a lot of educational experience to draw on).

Hopefully, in a few years, our school system will be better again and teacher shortages fixed, curriculum slimmed back to a manageable amount, etc. but for now, sadly, school is not always a great place to be and can take a long time to recover from.

I think the people that home Ed well are the ones that do learning away from a home classroom type environment. The ones that do museums, field trips, meet up with groups, lectures and specialist tutors but I should imagine this does not come cheaply.

I'm not sure what he'll gain from you and your dh just teaching him at home which is what it sounds like you're planning to do.

Have you visited the schools. I wouldn’t go off reputation. Some can be good for Sen but not great rep generally.
I think I’d try school and see. Nothing you’ve said make me think it will be a disaster.

Can you look at clubs they offer? He might find his tribe and school clubs are free or low cost.

I’d start looking at what the schools offer by way of SEN support and work on getting him through the diagnosis process because that will possibly open up options that wouldn’t otherwise be there. One of our local high schools has a unit for neurodiverse kids within mainstream high school. They offer an extended transition process, support in adjusting to different teachers/subjects and provide space for kids who struggle socially during breaks etc. They have specialist teachers for kids with ASD/ADHD and I know a few kids who have really thrived in mainstream with the support of the unit. They only accept kids with a diagnosis.

I also found a “poorer” school was a much better option for my SEN kids because they had lots of experience with tricky behaviours, were well resourced and flexible in their approach in a way that the “better” more local school wasn’t. Spend some time really exploring what’s available and what you need to have in place to access supports before deciding on HE.

I had a good idea of what would suit my DD for high school and really argued her case, if that hadn’t worked I would have gone down the HE route because I know mainstream alone just wouldn’t have worked for her.