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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to make contact with baby’s father?

28 replies

MummyL0 · 16/08/2023 12:13

My 10 month old daughter hasn’t properly spent any time with her dad since New Year’s Day. I reached out in May to try and restart contact between them but things turned very aggressive as he wanted to spend whole days with her unsupervised from the get go and I don’t think that’s what’s best for her as he is essentially a stranger at this point. He left the meeting by saying he ‘doesn’t give a f* about me or her’ and threw her pram across the car park 😳 I’m not sure if he just said that out of anger because he was desperate to see her a few months beforehand.

he has 2 other sons who are missing out on a sister and vice versa. he smoked weed when we were together and occasionally took cocaine on the weekends, emotionally abusive towards me and I just can’t trust him. It’s all about control with him. As far as I’m aware he has blocked me on everything but my family can still contact him if they so wish (which they don’t)

am I out of my mind for wanting to try and take my emotions out of it and talk through things to try and help my daughter have a relationship with her paternal family? If he could be a good dad to her I would love them to have a relationship, he appears to be a good dad to his other kids so I feel like my daughter is missing out on so much. Please tell me if I am being delusional.

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 16/08/2023 12:17

You are out of your mind for wanting to take your child’s safety out of it.

he is an angry, aggressive, drug user.

why?!?!

I’m not sure if he just said that out of anger
why is it ok to you if it was out of anger? Why is that acceptable to you?

Original poster
MummyL0 · 16/08/2023 12:18

I understand that, I’ve seen him with his other kids and he’s a good dad. I’ve protected my baby for 10 months. if he had changed, and would be safe around my daughter, then I’d allow contact.

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 16/08/2023 12:19

Your daughter doesn’t no him and isn’t missing him. Why would you want to bring an aggressive drug taking control freak into her life? He nos she exists and can make contact with you if he wants. Don’t stir up drama where it isn’t needed. Wait for him to come to you, and if he doesn’t, bonus!

ComtesseDeSpair · 16/08/2023 12:19

I don’t think this is a father your DD needs in her life (or you in yours) and I certainly wouldn’t be doing anything to try and encourage him into it when the status quo of him not wanting anything to do with her is by far the preferable option.

TeapotCollection · 16/08/2023 12:19

“If he could be a good dad to her I would love them to have a relationship”

Big ‘if’ there. I don’t think this would end well by the sounds of it, especially for your daughter

TeaKitten · 16/08/2023 12:20

MummyL0 · 16/08/2023 12:18

I understand that, I’ve seen him with his other kids and he’s a good dad. I’ve protected my baby for 10 months. if he had changed, and would be safe around my daughter, then I’d allow contact.

You tried that and he got angry and threw her pram and was verbally abusive. So why keep her safe, then make contact where he proves she isn’t safe, and then make contact again?

Original poster
MummyL0 · 16/08/2023 12:21

@TeaKitten good point, thank you. I guess I’ve just been hoping he’d change for her but not looking likely.

OP posts:
SisterhoodWhatever · 16/08/2023 12:23

He provided the sperm, that’s it.

Be thankful he doesn’t want a relationship.

She won’t miss out at all in fact not having drug using aggressive men in her life is a positive. I have spent far too much time in my life supporting women who have made appalling choices like this as I used to work with DV survivors. They were ground down and very vulnerable ask yourself what your life especially childhood has been like to even consider this as a choice.

Children often model behaviour, not always but often I feel very sorry for those boys. Hopefully they won’t become violent like their Father.

TeaKitten · 16/08/2023 12:23

If he genuinely changes, he will contact you. If he wants control and drama and an argument, and you contact him first, you are just going to get the same crap again. Just reassure yourself that you’ve tried once, and he knows how to contact you, your job is to raise your DD, not him. So keep going as you are.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 16/08/2023 12:23

MummyL0 · 16/08/2023 12:21

@TeaKitten good point, thank you. I guess I’ve just been hoping he’d change for her but not looking likely.

If he changes and wants to be a good dad to her he’ll contact you and grovel in apology for his behaviour.

Hoppinggreen · 16/08/2023 12:25

MummyL0 · 16/08/2023 12:18

I understand that, I’ve seen him with his other kids and he’s a good dad. I’ve protected my baby for 10 months. if he had changed, and would be safe around my daughter, then I’d allow contact.

You have seen a snapshot of him with his other kids. You don’t know what he is like if he is angry or on drugs etc.

ConnieTucker · 16/08/2023 12:27

he’s a good dad
What in your mind makes his a good dad? What does he so to be considered a good dad in your eye?

if he had changed, and would be safe around my daughter, then I’d allow contact.
You think he is simultaneously a good dad AND a danger to your daughter. He cannot be both.

He left the meeting by saying he ‘doesn’t give a fuck about me or her’
again, what in your eyes makes him a good father?

what you need to do is have some therapy / counselling to deal with what ever it is that has led to you choosing this man as a partner and a father to your child. If you don't, you will likely end up in one abusive relationship after another.

pinkyredrose · 16/08/2023 12:27

No way would I let him see her unsupervised.

megletthesecond · 16/08/2023 12:27

Do not contact him. Neither of you need that stress in your lives.

BananaSlug · 16/08/2023 12:33

I voted yabu it’s not like it’s an older child missing him and asking to see him is it? So this is just about your need for contacting him.

Original poster
MummyL0 · 16/08/2023 12:35

@BananaSlug i just feel bad that she’ll grow up not knowing her father and 2 siblings. But from all the comments I won’t be contacting him! If he’s changed and wants to be a part of her life he can contact me.

OP posts:
Toobusytowee · 16/08/2023 12:37

If you want family involvement from his side, does he have parents? If the baby’s father went off the rails, his parents might be lovely and might not even be in contact with the baby’s dad any more. Perhaps they could have a positive influence on the baby? Or of course it might not be worth it if it means the possibility of getting the dad involved again.

ConnieTucker · 16/08/2023 12:37

MummyL0 · 16/08/2023 12:35

@BananaSlug i just feel bad that she’ll grow up not knowing her father and 2 siblings. But from all the comments I won’t be contacting him! If he’s changed and wants to be a part of her life he can contact me.

That’s not the end of it though.

you have changes to make now. You need to address your choices so you do not repeat them.

RocketIceLollie · 16/08/2023 12:37

I normally encourage any dad/child contact time but his drugs issues is not great. And the way he told your child f-off nah. Leave it as it is. If any of her siblings wants to make contact then yeah I'd encourage that.

BananaSlug · 16/08/2023 12:37

did you post the other day asking if you should make contact with his children and family?

reesewithoutaspoon · 16/08/2023 12:38

Not knowing her father is probably a positive. Better to not know him,than to know a violent aggressive angry man. That's not the kind of male role model she needs in her life.

GabriellaMontez · 16/08/2023 12:38

I know you want a good dad for your daughter.

But wanting it doesn't make it so.

There is nothing you've said about him, that makes him sound like someone you'd want around your baby.

Original poster
MummyL0 · 16/08/2023 12:38

@Toobusytowee his mum is lovely, she’s an elderly woman but unfortunately he lives with her so I couldn’t facilitate contact between them without his involvement.

@BananaSlug nope wasn’t me.

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 09/10/2023 03:49

So he does weed, cocaine and is aggressive towards you, plus can’t control his anger at all such as throwing a pram across a carpark. And you want your DD to spend time with that? Give your head a shake.

StopLickingTheDog · 09/10/2023 03:53

Did anyone witness his behaviour previously? You say after the "meeting", was it some sort of facilitated/mediation meeting?