Sisters wedding

[interlude2020]

My sister (aged 46 almost) has been working away in America for 12m. We see her intermittently when she comes home and provide her with an address here for post etc

She came back in May and announced that she is getting married. We weren't expecting it at all as she's been with the boyfriend less than a year but apparently my dad knew some time in advance

I'm delighted for her even though it means she will be moving there permanently and we will hardly see her

She then said the wedding is in October THIS year and in America. And it was already booked and sorted. That's the date 'make it if you can'

Both my dad and ourselves already had a holiday booked which overlaps that weekend. My dad has just cancelled his. ours has been paid for by my inlaws whom we live with. Therefore not so easy to say sorry about your £4000 you've spent on us. We've left this holiday running because if we can't get visas we may as well still go.

the wedding is not in school holidays and would need time off to get there and our eldest is doing GCSE and we also have already committed (only in April) to a US Disney holiday in Feb 2024. It's costing 12k and we've been saving for a year already for it. we did ask in feb this year if sister and then boyfriend would like to join us before booking etc so she knew we were committing this kind of money. A further trip in october is 1k EACH for flights plus accomodation, food, outfits etc etc etc - likely another 8k

This is the killer though we now need visas as we went to Cuba in 2021 before Trump brought in a new rule about travelling there. We can't go on an esta

We applied immediately for visas in May. The wait for an appt was 7m plus then you have to wait for the visa to be sent. I have rung the visa office, begged, offered to pay etc etc etc
I can't get an earlier appt than 3 November.
Every day multiple times I check for cancellations - nothing.

They told me i should have applied in feb to be certain of getting one or march at latest and that would have been cutting it fine.
I hoped, worse case scenario, that just i could go but I can't get a visa
I was hassled for numbers for the wedding in July and I have warned her all the way along since the moment they told us that we needed visas.

I've had to say it doesn't look like we can get them and if she needs definite numbers then we will have to say no

I've now had a horrible ranting message from her saying we have 'chosen' not to come and the holiday with our inlaws is more important to us and we always chose other things over her and that we should drop everything in our lives to bend over backwards and how would my dead mother feel.
Just bitchy and horrible.
She also accused me of never saying I wanted to go and that we have made no effort. Luckily have WhatsApp message contradicting this and showing I have said just these things!
The reason she has given for choosing things over her is that at Christmas she came home (at short notice) and we went to our works Christmas party which was booked the previous May and as we are the bosses we can't really then just cancel) it's our business and we are self employed relying on our employees etc

I cancelled a days work to go and empty sisters storage unit for her last month so that my dad could stop paying for it (yes my dad was paying for it!). I didnt have to and willingly offered

If we cannot get visas we were going to suggest she had an event here in the UK for friends and family who could not travel (we have an elderly aunt and uncle who cant travel and a load of cousins who haven't been invited and she must have friends here who can't go). We were happy to host this. I haven't even mentioned it now

Sister says we are using the visas as an excuse! I cannot help the visa situation and I promised her I would do my best to be there and I have but I just cannot get an appt. The visa office lady when I rang yet again last week said to me 'your sister should know all about visas if she's living over there and should have given you time to sort it'. They make no exceptions for family weddings/babies or events
And obviously it's not a state wedding 🙄

My sister and therefore my dad who she has moaned to on the phone feel this is all my fault.

She's caused a massive argument with my dad who blames me for everything even though I had no control over the date and definitely no control over the visa office
I don't know what else I could do with such short notice

The forums about Disney and visas are all full of people struggling to get appointments. I'm not the only one

added to this we've had no formal invite
I don't even know what the details are or where it us other than a state in america and a date in October

Both my husband and I feel that if she really wanted us there she would have given us more warning. She told my dad earlier and she certainly knew before we booked our Disney trip That she was planning this. We would have delayed disney and sorted visas if we had known.
Sister has no children and not been married before, also owns no house nor has any committments and a flexible job and can take time off work at the drop of a hat
I get it's her wedding, she's excited, has a vision and things are not conforming to that vision now so she is now disappointed and upset but I'm really upset too and being blamed entirely.
My kids will miss out on what is an important family event and I just feel if we'd been told before they booked it all we could have said straight off that visas would be the sticking point and she could have decided if she wanted us there or not Before she booked the date.

AIBU thinking that or should I have done something else to get a visa in just under 5 months??? what else could i have done? There is no way I can travel without a visa obviously! I'm being told from all sides that this is all my fault. I'm so upset I'm going to have to miss my only siblings wedding

Your sister is stark, staring mad. Has she always been a narcissistic nightmare?

I would send a short, polite email saying that you won't be coming to the wedding, and that you feel some distance is necessary at this point. Then ignore the histrionics. If your dad wants to play flying monkey, distance yourself from him as well. And DON'T feel guilty.

Life is too short for this sort of nonsense.

Clearly your sister is being ridiculous. Tell her to ring the visa office and hear what they have to say. At the end of the day inlaws holiday and all the rest aside - she did not give you enough notice to get a required visa... that's on her. And if your dad wants to play favouritism and stupid games ... that's on him.

Tbh though I think you should either stop trying for the visa or see what can be done to change/cancel the inlaw holiday as I don't think it would be fair to cancel a £4000 holiday last minute so that the money is a certain loss.

But surely your dsis made her choice by moving away? End of the matter imo. Enjoy your plans op. Maybe a sympathy/good luck card for her dh is needed?

I’m not going to my sisters wedding for similar (although less extreme as no visas etc) reasons.

she’s selfish & yes it’s her day but the world doesn’t revolve around her.like yours mine has no kids, flexible job & only thinks of herself. I was going to have to rearrange a holiday she knew about (she’s getting married day after my 40th) & not be a bridesmaid or kids involved. She got narky and called me selfish for not immediately jumping & saying yes & i / we won’t be going.

your sister sounds nuts & i think you are already making too much effort trying to sort visas and worrying - just politely decline & get on with the things you & your family have planned. She’s arranged the day without thinking of others & thats fine as it’s her day but she needs to realise doing it with no thought for others means not only might they not be able to come but they might not want to as they might not think she appreciates any thought back!

don’t get dragged into arguments either just make the decision & stick to it - i think you’d be mad to go even if you had visas.

You are making this way too complicated. You can't go. End of.

I grew up in the US and got married in the UK. We gave my friends and family 6 months notice, but were very clear that we understood it was a huge expense and a long way to travel for the wedding. I had maybe about 5 of my friends/family who could attend from the US. Totally fine. I was delighted to see them, but honestly didn't expect anyone to be able to attend.

One of my best friends growing up got married back in the US and I was meant to be a bridesmaid. At the time I had a small baby who would need to travel with me as was bf and I couldn't leave him at home. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get him a passport in time, as my own visa application was pending, so Home Office had my passport for 9 months, which meant I couldn't submit his passport application. I had to pull out of my friend's wedding with about 8 weeks to go. Obviously, she was sad I couldn't come, but totally understanding and it was fine.

Your sister is being bonkers, but also you are hopping and dancing around to her tune a bit too much. There's no way you could attend for so many reasons. End of conversation.

Just tell her ( email) you know she's upset, so are you, and these are the reasons it looks as if you can't come. Tell her are you are trying your best, these are the hurdles, but you feel as if she hasn't even tried to arrange things so that you can come - tell her what you have said in your post. Re-iterate that you would have loved to see her getting married, that you will host a celebration in UK for friends and family - suggest a date for that now- but remind her that the visa issues still remain.

There is one universal rule in wedding planning. Before setting a date, you check that date with your absolutely essential guests.

that doesn’t mean you check to see if your plans work for everyone you would really like to have attend and it certainly doesn’t mean you check with your 3rd cousin. The people you would be devastated if they weren’t standing there by your side, you check with them on the date and location and figure out the logistics before finalizing things. These are the people who love you and are only going to miss your event because of real barriers, so you make sure there aren’t any barriers of time, legality, or money. If you don’t do this and they have to miss the wedding, it’s entirely the fault of the wedding couple.

It sounds like there's the usual family baggage background to your sister being so upset. You've also given a lot of reasons as to why going to this wedding would be such an inconvenience to you when, really, it's a simple 'I can't get a visa in such a short time frame.' If your sister is so keen to have you there, then she would have checked the date with you before booking anything / had the wedding in a different country that didn't require you to get a visa / accept gracefully that you won't be there and arrange a celebration for UK friends and family at another date.

The visa issue isn’t to do with going to Disney. It’s for her sister’s wedding in October that she wasn’t told about until May.

Send an email to your sister and dad telling her you would have loved to be there but you can’t because of the visa issue, which isn’t within your control. Sounds like she’s putting up barriers to you coming to see how far you will jump (your dad managed the jump obviously and now she’s got you to blame for a scenario she has set up)

is this a usual scenario in your relationship? Putting yourself out to prove you love her? Because if it is then you need to put some boundaries in place with her as she’s likely to get worse

She’s all emotional and highly strung because it’s her wedding and it’s not turning out to be the fairytale she imagined.

Send her an email keeping all emotions out of it and stick to the facts, I.e

1. you informed of your wedding x date
2. i applied for the essential visa on x date
3. i have been given a date of November. As you can see from attached records, I have phoned x amount of times to do everything I could to get one earlier however I have been absolutely informed it is not possible
4. you are correct that I have kept my holiday booking, and I will still be going on this holiday if I do not get a visa in time. For the avoidance of doubt, if a visa was granted in time it was absolutely my intention to cancel this holiday and attend your wedding.
5. i Understand that you were aware of your wedding plans quote far in advance of when you advised me. If you had told me earlier, then I would have had a better chance of getting a visa in time, and I also would not have committed a significant amount of money to other holidays which you were aware of. As it stands, I am doing my very best with the circumstances you have given me.

if for any reason you do not believe the difficulties I am having obtaining a visa, you are welcome to verify this yourself. The phone number is xxxx

also, if you have any suggestions of what I could be doing to be able to attend then please share them as this as I have tried everything I can think of.

kind regards

You already have a holiday booked with your in-laws. That should come first as it is already booked. It is a prior engagement.
Is DS really wanted you there, she would have checked the dates before booking the wedding, and that is apart from the visa problem.

If she was that concerned about you being able to attend she would have checked the dates with you before she booked it. You have other, very expensive commitments. Sorry, end of.

If your sister was bothered about you attending her wedding she would have checked you could make the date before you booked it.

You probably can’t get visas in time and even if you could you should reimburse your inlaws 4k if they paid for your holiday or you will ruin your relationship with them (wasting your own money not theirs), then pay 1k each… costing maybe 10k and probably ruining the finances for your disney holiday.

Just draw a line under the drama and say it won’t be possible. The only thing you need to explain to your sister is if she wanted you there she should have checked you can make it. She might be able to rearrange the date of the wedding for less than the 10k it will cost you to go - but she won’t will she?

I wouldn’t be going even without the visa problem. You get married abroad then you don’t expect anyone else to stump up.
I got married abroad and DH’s sisters didn’t come. No one exploded, the world didn’t end and we got married just the same.

So if you can't get a visa you won't be able to go to the wedding or your Disney trip?
Can the tirp
I agree with PP knock the wedding thing on the head now. Factual email, send it to your dad too . Say you don't want to fall out about this.

Meanwhile you need to see if there's anything you can do about Disney. Is is t just you and the inlaws? Can the trip be moved?

The Disney trip has nothing to do with anything. It is next year.

The holiday with the in-laws isn't the trip to Disney. It also clashes with the sister's wedding.

OP cannot go to the wedding this year because there isn't enough time to get a visa for October.

I've now had a horrible ranting message from her saying we have 'chosen' not to come and the holiday with our inlaws is more important to us and we always chose other things over her and that we should drop everything in our lives to bend over backwards and how would my dead mother feel.

Well for one thing, you didn't choose your holiday with the In Laws OVER her wedding. You already had it booked before she told you about it.

Honestly, I would stop stressing yourself over it. You can't get the Visa in time, end of. She is the one who didn't give a thought to anyone else when sorting her wedding. just say no. Others have suggested how you defend yourself in writing. Do it once and then just ignore being blamed by others.

Enjoy your holiday with your In-Laws in October - and enjoy your trip to Disney next February

Last time we went to America was 2020 and we went on an esta. Which you can get instantly. We didn't know it had changed but when we booked to go end April this year and found out as we applied for esta then we immediately sorted new passports for the kids and applied for visas second week in May

So yes we did do this immediately.
We have a visa appt for start of November and have plenty of time to get our visas for our planned Feb 2024 trip

We did not know this wedding was planned any earlier than May 2023 and therefore could not have speeded up that process. It was out of my control as I can't change the embassy processes unfortunately

Send her the info for your visas. As in the number you tried.. Tell her to advise you when they are sorted if she thinks it is simple she can do it. (not obviously)..

So you would have had to apply in February in order to get visas for an October wedding that you didn’t know about until May?

Its clearly impossible and always was - she sounds like a nightmare and I agree with a PP that you just need to distance yourself from her for a while.

Shes obviously disappointed but there’s literally nothing you can do.

Thank you Cap89
I think vault687 hasn't read all the issues

We were applying for visas anyway for Disney and will have them by the end of November 2023 and don't travel til Feb 2024 so plenty of time

Yes we could have waited, got visas then booked holiday but that would have meant another year before we could go.

We've chosen to book it, all the hotels we can move and we can move the flights if really needed
I'd have delayed booking anything if I'd known about the wedding as we would have done a combined trip for that instead rather than 2 separate trips with expensive flights

Yeah...I don't think you're missing out on much. Your sister sounds unhinged and this marriage is likely to last no more than two years tops if the groom has any sense.

There is nothing you can do, so why are you beating yourself up about it?