Do you ever feel like everyone does this?

[Dooooooooo]

Apologies this isn't meant to sound like sneering or to cause offense.
However I look around and majority of people seem to be living the same life.
That is, go to uni, graduate, stay with the same company for many years, work your way up into management.
Meet 'the one' and settle down in late 20s/early 30s, marriage a couple of years after meeting, the exact same style of wedding, then the first child, then the second one a year or two after, the house purchase in suburbia, the cat and/or dog, and that's it, life is 'complete'.
I feel like this is how the majority of people I know are living. Not that there's anything wrong with it, I wonder if it is social conditioning, pressure, or biology. You sometimes feel like an outcast for not having 'achieved' all of these things, even if there's really nothing wrong with it.

Of course it's social conditioning, environmental and parental/family/peer group expectations. Sociology covers this completely. Where I'm from people get jobs rather than go to Uni. They have children before 30 and rent. Social conditioning made women made women ignore their sexual needs/wants and now it's overriding their wanting children in their teens/20's etc. Sexism plays a part because the whole parenting game is still in men's favour.

Married a military bloke had children very young in fact had my eldest by the time i was 22. Never went to Uni but completed my degree by 31 then left my job in that sector. Worked my arse off as a single mum saved every single penny i could. Met a great guy married him, we both sold our businesses and moved to Scotland in my 40s. Bought a tiny cottage and a small bit of land. love my life, i do what i want when i want. Any spare money i have is saved for travel. I travel on my own mostly as DH doesn't do flying but we do get a night away most months or a weekend twice a year all done on a shoestring. I do a week away every few months. I could never stay in the same job for my whole working life. I am struggling to stay in this house as i am used to moving but being on the beach means the world to me.

In my generation (Gen X) this was pretty normal - yes. Not everyone went to uni. Not everyone got into a management job (I certainly didn't!). But the vast majority got married in late 20s, early 30s, moved to the 'burbs, popped out 1-3 kids and now, 15 years on, are just plodding along.

I do think that later generations are already doing things differently though. I see a lot more women now being firm about not wanting DC and I'm sure the honesty of my generation about how hard it is and what sacrifices are involved has made a lot more women think 'that's not for me'. I see a lot more Gen Y couples with an even split in terms of earning potential and child-rearing. Gens Y & Z have got a reputation for being lazy and difficult to manage in the workplace, but I don't agree with flogging yourself to death for 40 years and then dropping dead within a couple of years of retirement. There's a fuck load more to life than work - that message is out there now - and younger people are demanding a better work/life balance and good for them!

My best friend from school did: kids, marriage, college, emigrate, divorce, uni, steady job, suburbs, dog. Almost the life you set out but in quite a different order.

I did partner, uni, job for a year, split from partner, job hopping every 18 months, new partner, bought house in grotty inner city (definitely not suburbia - although some jobs involved commuting out to suburbia), steady job - in which I've spent 20 years rejecting offers of promotion, moved to city too small to have suburbs, bought house with partner, partner went back to uni and had complete career change, I had a mini gap year then back to previous job, chickens, moved countries to another small city, moved to small seaside town. Neither of us wanted to marry, no kids - deliberately, I plan to stop work soon (well before retirement age) and spend my time travelling and campaigning for various causes; DP plans to work till he drops but go part time soon.

I agree with you, I have not followed that path but I certainly think there is a huge societal expectation of what “success” looks like and it largely involves those points. Things are changing, but slowly, and there are still a lot of people who regard anything other than the perfectly packaged set up you describe with a certain amount of disdain.

This is me, except for getting married / finding a life partner. I have a few single friends but the vast majority are married and I do feel like a failure for never having been able to sustain a long term relationship, despite being considered 'successful' in all other aspects of my life.

My life trajectory has been similar to this tbf, as have a few of my friends but also many other friends whose lives are v different. Some have no kids by choice, some by design, some single parents since the beginning, others through divorce or being widowed. Some went to uni straight from school, others went later, some strongly career minded, others have changed careers and others who couldn’t give a hoot! It’s nice to have a diverse group of friends and different perspectives on life. Life isn’t a tick box exercise and those choices aren’t for everyone, I know some who ticked all those boxes and have been thoroughly miserable and others who didn’t and are v happy indeed, just

do what makes you happy!

The only person I know who did what you describe in your op is my dh and i think of him as really unusual! In my small group of friends, exactly half have children and we are all between 37 and 42, so don't think many more will have them now. One is divorced, three are single and four couples are married but one of them didn't do it till really recently and they didn't tell anyone or invite anyone. Everyone except dh and one other guy has job hopped a lot! I think it's really unusual to stay in the same company for years and years

I found all my work colleagues to be the same, and usually met their SO at university. I was a single parent with 2 kids.... The ONLY single parent there. They were all lovely people though & happy... I think. But some were..... Boring to me 😂

Well ... yes.

It's the pattern of most animal life isn't it? Build a secure nest, find a mate, procreate?

It's not surprising that most people follow a similar path to achieve the above, given that to build a secure home, you'd need a steady job for that and having a mate (should!) make providing for kids easier.

There are slight variations, but I wouldn't really see missing some of the above as a major deviation these days.

We all like to think we're living a fresh, original life but that's rarely true.

I had a child much younger than most and I don't have a job in management but yes, my life is very ordinary and I would say, still largely conforms to the above.

That's fairly similar to my journey, with a few diversions on the way. But none of my siblings had that life and neither did my DP. I've quite a lot of friends that have done other things too.

Not me. I never went to Uni, back in the 80s you had to be pretty clever (nowadays everyone goes as a right of passage much like going on your first holiday with your pals).
Didn’t marry until much older either, one child.
Oh and we don’t have a dog.

No that only represents a tiny proportion of my friends/relatives.

I've a couple who are In the arts/freelance. A couple in the trades, a couple in academic traditional careers like you describe and some stay at home parents

Yeah in my circle (aged early 40s) what you describe is fairly typical, with the exception perhaps of working up to management level and the number of kids, but that's looking at people from a fairly fortunate well educated background, there's plenty of people that aren't walking that path! I know loads of people that don't fit the description you gave..

And times are changing, with the cost of living crisis and climate change issues people are having less/no kids and can't necessarily afford the nice house.

Me and my dh have ultimately tried to do what makes us happy, we both retrained from jobs we didn't like, me moving from a well paid souless job (well a job that I found souless, everyone has different values) into a more rewarding but less well paid job. We have one kid but late due to infertility. We do seek stability because that reduces our anxiety for the future so yeah we're working, we're thinking of our mortgage etc

It's hard sometimes not to compare with others but as the saying goes "comparison is the thief of joy". You do you, try not to feel superior or inferior to anyone else because... what's the point?

Or you build and maintain friendships with people in different walks of life. They’re definitely out there.

I know very few people who could achieve that now. Apart from the fact that actually most working people are in low income retail, hospitality, admin, health care etc jobs, not to mention zero hour contracts, and can’t afford to buy a studio flat, never mind a house. I expect the majority of the population would die of gratitude to be able to have such a comfortable life.

Well it's pretty common really. Many people go to uni then start jobs with companies and work their way up.

Regarding getting married and having children, yes that's also very common as people fall in love and want to have a family. The house buying, also very common as you want somewhere to live that's yours. Cat dog - who doesn't love a pet!

So yes, but these things don't make life 'complete'. They're just really lovely things to have, so many people do it. I have everything on your list except second child and I feel very content in life. But I'm not 'done' with life!

You're describing my DH apart from our wedding being samey. We both think weddings are a waste of money.

My path is not quite so set. Still neither of us feel life is complete.

To be honest I don't get why it matters. None of us are important. We are just specks in time. Do what you've got to do and try to be happy with it. Stop expecting 'more'.

Why are you looking at others and it’s making you feel bad?
We all make different choices in life. My life is pretty similiar to what you described except that it took 8 years to have kids. We all have to do what works best for us and not worry about others.
Plus what makes you think that life is then complete and over after you have kids, a house, a good job etc… there’s way more to life than that. That’s just the stability that people like me want then once I’ve got my financials in order and comfortable and have a family and love and care about me then I feel that I’ve got people who have my back. What I struggled with pre kids is not having someone who loves me and would do anything for me and kids who adore me too and I adore them too.

Why do you think these people consider their lives "complete" with nothing left to do?

It's not my story, by the way.

Yes, most (not all) of my friends and colleagues followed this trend, as did I. Not all have progressed to management, had children or got a dog! Those things are not the only measures of success or happiness though - we all have to find what suits us.

@peachgreen I was widowed at 20 after getting married at 19 which threw plans out of the window. So I went back to college at 21 and became a personal assistant to a City Editor in Fleet Street. I then managed to scrape enough together to buy a little two up, two down and continued to work hard and play hard all through my 20s.

I met my second husband at 32 and we married when I was 34. Started to try and have children but failed and turned to IVF which worked on the third attempt at 40.

Amazingly I had a natural conception at 45 and had our second child.

Life certainly didn’t turn out as I planned but what can you do?? Life is a rollercoaster and you just have to go with it and enjoy your life. And don’t make too many plans.

Yeah you could have described my life OP 🤣🤣 met DH at Uni when we were both 20. Married at 24, 1st DC at 28, 2nd at 32. Only I've been a SAHP for nearly 20 years. Have done lots of volunteering roles tho & currently fostering cats for local charity. I'm 48 now & now thinking of trying an exciting new career before I'm an empty nester. Mortgage paid off so no money pressures really though eldest DC going back to 2nd year at Uni so obviously extra money will be v useful to fund that! I'm a bit bored either life tbh & excited to see what lies ahead for me 👏 but I'm also peri menopausal & sleepy so I'll have to factor that in too 🤣 most of my friends have all followed a similar path (except they all work) & most have dogs not cats.

I've done all that. I'm in my 60s, still married, retired and my life is far from 'complete'. There are many things I still want to see, learn and experience.

life doesn't stop because you are emotionally and financially settled.

Now, @Nugg, even the most advanced three-year-olds haven’t usually worked in management!