Page 2 | Do you ever feel like everyone does this?

suckerlove · 15/08/2023 21:57

I have often wondered if it's to do with the area you live in as my friends in other parts of the country are a bit more varied in lifestyle. Also how old are you? I felt when I was 27-30 everyone around me in my area got married at once and a lot seemed to have their first child then. I've found now I'm in my late 30s people's lives are starting to diverge a bit more - second marriages, maybe only the one child rather than two, etc. So don't put any pressure on yourself or work to other people's timelines - as a PP said, happiness is mindset not circumstances of ticking off "life goals" at certain times.

autienotnaughti · 15/08/2023 22:02

What your describing sounds very typical. Where I grew up people don't tend to go to. uni and start settling down in early twenties.
Me - worked in a few low wage roles
Married at 21, two kids at 21,23
Divorced 28, remarried early thirties ,

Degree at 35, Third child 37 sahp

Bf1- degree, teacher training. Work in a
University
Married at 26. Pregnant 27,28
Divorced 35, remarried at 39

Bf2 - works in nhs . Worked up to six f
Figure position
- married at 24, child 28
Divorced at 28 remarried at 32, child

At 32
MBA AT 44

Differentstarts · 15/08/2023 22:03

That is very far from the reality of my life and everybody around me life's. I don't think I know anyone who has the life you describe

64rabbits · 15/08/2023 22:04

Yes this is the standard template and what's expected generally.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 15/08/2023 22:06

Nothing wrong with these things if you want them, but a lot of people follow what you are supposed to do without making it as positive choice for themselves. Those are the ones with the big mid life crisis.

LakeTiticaca · 15/08/2023 22:09

Weird post. We live in a free society. People are free to do whatever makes them happy

FictionalCharacter · 15/08/2023 22:09

I don’t know one single person whose life took that path.

Kowaii · 15/08/2023 22:11

I did mine a bit backwards! But I’m happy. I’ve “achieved” it all before my 30’s which I know shouldn’t be a thing but the societal pressure (particularly where I’m from) is insidious. If you’re 30 and over without kids, marriage and a mortgage that’s when the comments start.

peachgreen · 15/08/2023 22:13

I had all that, then DH died suddenly and now my life is completely different. Life has a way of throwing changes at you just when you think you’re settled. But it’s still good either way.

ASGIRC · 15/08/2023 22:20

Most of my friends lives are not like that at all. Neither is mine!
I definitely would not say that is the norm in my wider circle

ReverseFerret · 15/08/2023 22:23

I think this what is known as the relationship escalator'

Boomboom22 · 15/08/2023 22:32

I like to have plans. So I wanted 2 kids and marriage by 30 which I got and did uni etc. However my career really started when I was pregnant with my first at 26ish. Now nearly 40, 3 kids, still married.
Bought a house, extended.
Not sure what my key plans are by 50, probably a big promotion, kids will be 15 to 23 so will have time. Probably do an MA if work pay. Reduce the mortgage down further so it finishes by age 55.

anotherside · 15/08/2023 22:37

What you’ve described is basically human existence though.
People have to work to survive. Getting a degree is still a pretty sensible method of going about that.
You either procreate or you don’t, in which case your genes die off with you, so most people go for the former (of course many other factors to weigh up here, but that’s the most fundamental one).
Ans if you’re going to procreate it’s logical for women to attempt it before they’re 40, which entails meeting someone in your 20s or 30s. And given the cost of living, doing so in your 20s makes sense.
As for the house in suburbia, that’s just a nicer option for the vast majority as you have space, as opposed to three/four people cramped into a city apartment.

I did all the above, though with an unusual timescale. But basically not doing it in that order is probably more risky, which is why it’s the done thing.

EmmaPaella · 15/08/2023 22:41

While I know lots of people who have done this, I also know lots of people who haven’t. I think it depends who you hang around with!

WibblyWobblyTimeyWimeyStuff · 15/08/2023 22:43

I do know quite a few people like this @Dooooooooo but this is mumsnet. Most people will come on this thread and say this never happens to anyone they know. They will claim that most women they know were still single at 39 with £150K a year jobs, and didn't have their first child til 43, (and the father is a high flying executive level man with a £250K a year salary, a long commute, and a private helicopter.)

anotherside · 15/08/2023 22:43

@Atethehalloweenchocs

Nothing wrong with these things if you want them, but a lot of people follow what you are supposed to do without making it as positive choice for themselves. Those are the ones with the big mid life crisis.

Not sure it’s that simple really. Very few people sail through life without regretting or second guessing choices they made or did not make. Even when something works out objectively extremely well, you’ll still sometimes ask - but what if I’d chosen that other path?

Jenn3112 · 15/08/2023 22:46

Not really, don't want to be management and I don't earn much, have never stayed in a job for more than 4 years and don't have any pets. I am married with 2 kids though. I realised a while ago that my fairly dysfunctional childhood meant I desperately wanted to be 'normal' even as an adult without necessarily realising that was what I was doing.

Differentstarts · 15/08/2023 22:48

Having expectations that people should be in a certain place in their life by a certain age isn't realistic. Everyone has a different start in life and different challenges to overcome so its not a fair comparison. For me to still even be alive when I reach 30 would be a massive achievement. Being able to hold down even a part time minimum wage job would be an achievement. Getting out of bed and leaving the house is an achievement. However to others looking at my life from the outside and not knowing my story it would look like I "failed" in life but to me im so proud of myself when I manage to do certain things, which others wouldn't think twice about. Set your own goals and stop worrying about what others are doing and you will be OK

Murrain · 15/08/2023 22:57

Have you said where you live and how old you are, what your background is? It sounds as if you move in quite homogenous circles.

I know that people do live like that, but I don’t really know anyone who does. I’m from a poor background, but studied outside my home country, dropped out, went to live on a commune in the US and then won a scholarship to the UK, then lived in France for a few years, so I have a lot of friends from different countries, and who are pretty scattered geographically.

But I think you need to see different types of life to know they’re possible. Until I met different types of people at university, I thought the only jobs were in shops or offices and that only very limited lives were available for women in particular. I couldn’t figure out how people knew they wanted to be opera directors or forensic archaeologists or interpreters at The Hague.

But not just jobs, but different ways of living — I have friends who are childfree and single, who live nomadically and divide their time between a houseboat and caretaking an island, one who arranges his life and work around competing in extreme ultramarathons, one who is an enclosed nun.

penity · 15/08/2023 23:00

Most of my life has not been like that at all. Some of my friends lives are like that, mostly mum friends through DD's prep school as they're more conventional and needed the career to afford private education. But many friends I've made through creative interests are as unconventional as I am and don't fit the mold. I'm pretty happy where I've ended up and the choices I've made. I've ended up with a DH and 3 dc and a house in London regardless.

Mylittlepea · 15/08/2023 23:01

Interesting post….
I do know a lot of people who’s life went like that, mine similar although infertility issues meant kids x 2 came later, for me & DH when I was 35 & 40 but otherwise as you describe.

But all that stuff is part of the journey of life I think. Some people are just surviving, some loving life, some hating their situation whatever that might be. Trying not to just tread water or live an unfulfilling life whilst doing all of the ‘normal stuff’ is so important too.

Do what gets your heart racing, whatever makes you love life, appreciate the small stuff, see the world, be positive, be spontaneous, make good friendships etc. sounds cheesy but it’s what makes life good for me.

ZeldaFighter · 15/08/2023 23:01

Watch the film Trainspotting.

Or read the book.

HopefulSeller · 15/08/2023 23:02

I wish I had that life! It sounds stable, fulfilling and secure.

Most of us don’t have the luxury of even having that life in the first place.

Circumferences · 15/08/2023 23:07

Dooooooooo · 15/08/2023 21:27

Apologies this isn't meant to sound like sneering or to cause offense.
However I look around and majority of people seem to be living the same life.
That is, go to uni, graduate, stay with the same company for many years, work your way up into management.
Meet 'the one' and settle down in late 20s/early 30s, marriage a couple of years after meeting, the exact same style of wedding, then the first child, then the second one a year or two after, the house purchase in suburbia, the cat and/or dog, and that's it, life is 'complete'.
I feel like this is how the majority of people I know are living. Not that there's anything wrong with it, I wonder if it is social conditioning, pressure, or biology. You sometimes feel like an outcast for not having 'achieved' all of these things, even if there's really nothing wrong with it.

Your description of this cohort of people describes to absolute perfection those who came from very middle class homes.

They had an upbringing in a nice suburban area, nice local good school, detached house, lovely garden, pets, happy siblings, parents married, often with a stay at home mum because daddy had a well paid job enough to pay the mortgage and support the children on one income, the exact type of people I grew up with in the 80's/90's.
As adults they follow a very straightforward path, laid out with supportive wealthy parents behind them every step of the way.

I think this family model is a dying breed.

I'm a total outlier sadly, but I know why. I'm from a very wealthy 80's family with friends from the same socioeconomic background, but I was being sex abused in the family home as a child so I've never been able to function normally as an adult.
Despite having everything handed to me on a plate due to said 80's suburban middle class upbringing, I do feel a sense of injustice that I've never been able to join the route through life that everyone I grew up with has enjoyed.

Many, many people in the UK will not have had the path through life that you describe due to socioeconomic reasons or other reasons.

Boomboom22 · 15/08/2023 23:12

Also not everyone can become a manager or senior as work is more like a pyramid so many must stay lower level throughout their working life.