To think my MIL is really rude for going through boxes she offered to store for me a few years ago

[ChilliHeelerluckedout]

My MIL is going through boxes she offered to store for me a few years ago. I can't remember what's in them but they are overflow from uni that I couldn't take home with me in the baggage allowance, so who knows! Without permission or any alert, she has started 'sorting through them' and guessing what I may like to keep or get rid of. It doesn't help that the relationship is at its rockiest yet because DH has recently had therapy that opened his eyes to a lot of dreadful things in his childhood that she was responsible for, and that he noticed her doing to our DS. She thinks I'm behind it all though, even though I am not, I am only quietly supporting my DHs response to it all ( which I don't entirely agree with). I don't usually stick up for myself with her but I did this time because she took some photos of a couple of the contents and both items were really emotive for me so I told her it was rude of her to go through my stuff and I will go and fetch the boxes from her in a couple of weeks. She has said that I was rude to challenge her, has conflated my request for privacy with whatever is going on between her and my DH, and has now stopped all communication. Aibu or is it rude to go through people's stuff without their permission like this?

@Soontobe60 it was a box of uni stuff - it's possible, although hopefully I had the sense to take those out at the time. I have learned my lesson though. No matter how kind the offer or how convenient at the time - no stuff in other people's lofts ever again.

The timing says it all.

You can leave stuff, when invited, in a normal persons loft. Leaving stuff in the loft of a controlling person isn’t the best idea.

Abusers and controllers very often ramp up their tactics when they feel their control slipping - it’s why the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when you are leaving. She’s trying to regain control by getting at you. Plus it would look much better to say “oh my son doesn’t talk to me anymore because I accidentally opened a box that @ChilliHeelerluckedout left in my loft for umpteen years and she had a hissy for” rather than “I was a dick to my son and his son and he’s stood up to me”…

@CantThinkOfANameAtAll You're smart. And you're right. And it's complicated. I've thought about this exact thing a lot since the box episode happened.

*You can leave stuff, when invited, in a normal persons loft. Leaving stuff in the loft of a controlling person isn’t the best idea.

Abusers and controllers very often ramp up their tactics when they feel their control slipping - it’s why the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when you are leaving. She’s trying to regain control by getting at you. Plus it would look much better to say “oh my son doesn’t talk to me anymore because I accidentally opened a box that @ChilliHeelerluckedout left in my loft for umpteen years and she had a hissy for” rather than “I was a dick to my son and his son and he’s stood up to me”…*

@user1477391263 agreed

@sunglassesonthetable yes, to everything you have said. I got the shivers a little from your post.

@DepartureLounge

exactly, but some people don't have emotional or sentimental attachment to anything & neither side can really understand the other.

i envy them in a way, I'd love to genuinely not care about 'stuff'

@ChilliHeelerluckedout yeah, as you've reflected, leaving your stuff with her might not have been your best choice, but on the other hand it's been fine for years!!

i do think it was rude if you not to collect it once you had your own house though.

However, she's very rude going through your stuff, what she should have done was ask you to collect it ASAP.

i think you're right, it's retaliation over your DH seeing things more clearly.

can you go & collect it this weekend?

What @CantThinkOfANameAtAll said. Quoted and posted above too quickly.

It's your stuff, she offered, she could have asked you to remove it , given you some warning.

She knows what she's doing.

All of the " you obviously don't need/want" comments are irrelevant .

Just because someone doesn't possibly need or want something doesn't give you free reign over it. That's a joke.

She's annoyed and found a vulnerability she can exploit.

It's very very rude and i'd be angry.

Obviously you should have picked up the boxes years ago. But it's still no excuse.

I've got a good sense of the trend with 85% saying it was unreasonable - phew, I'm not mad, or we all are 😆. And for the 1 or 2 posters that sliced through the situation with incredible insight and advice - thank you, and you scared me.

She presumably thought you’d abandoned them. She shouldn’t have done it, but they shouldn’t have been there in the first place for so long, and you shouldn’t need to be told to go and collect them.

I would bet that she went through it years ago. She probably wanted it gone so hinted by sending you messages. Passive aggression at its finest!