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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my MIL is really rude for going through boxes she offered to store for me a few years ago

61 replies

ChilliHeelerluckedout · 15/08/2023 14:25

My MIL is going through boxes she offered to store for me a few years ago. I can't remember what's in them but they are overflow from uni that I couldn't take home with me in the baggage allowance, so who knows! Without permission or any alert, she has started 'sorting through them' and guessing what I may like to keep or get rid of. It doesn't help that the relationship is at its rockiest yet because DH has recently had therapy that opened his eyes to a lot of dreadful things in his childhood that she was responsible for, and that he noticed her doing to our DS. She thinks I'm behind it all though, even though I am not, I am only quietly supporting my DHs response to it all ( which I don't entirely agree with). I don't usually stick up for myself with her but I did this time because she took some photos of a couple of the contents and both items were really emotive for me so I told her it was rude of her to go through my stuff and I will go and fetch the boxes from her in a couple of weeks. She has said that I was rude to challenge her, has conflated my request for privacy with whatever is going on between her and my DH, and has now stopped all communication. Aibu or is it rude to go through people's stuff without their permission like this?

OP posts:
BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 15/08/2023 19:24

That is absolutely disgusting what she has done, nosy old biddy, go and get your stuff as soon as you can and keep calm and just keep saying if she says anything that she has overstepped boundaries by being nosy. Years ago I left boxes of photos in my sisters and she kept them in attic and they took them down her and her fella and went through them all, I find that quite shocking as I would never do that as I would feel cringey to even think about doing that and would never even cross my mind to be nosy.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 15/08/2023 19:25

Who are the 19% saying you are unreasonable. They must be nosy also.

squashi · 15/08/2023 19:37

I'd say get them back as soon as possible

Papernotplastic · 15/08/2023 19:40

I’d say she was being unreasonable but ‘years’? You left boxes in her house for years? We’re you ever planning to collect them?

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 15/08/2023 19:50

DH has recently had therapy that opened his eyes to a lot of dreadful things in his childhood that she was responsible for, and that he noticed her doing to our DS.

I guess I thought there was a level of mutual respect.

^^ both of those cannot be true. How can you respect someone who has been abusive to your husband and now your son?

user1477391263 · 15/08/2023 19:53

I think you should have been more careful about leaving boxes at someone's place for extended periods of time. However, she should have approached you directly about the issue first, not started going through them.

Irridescantshimmmer · 16/08/2023 10:07

Yes, that is very rude.

She may have had an the intention of rooting through yout stuff anyway, probably why she offered to let you store your stuff there anyway.

Shr's snooping.

The quicker you can get your stuff back the faster this issue will resolve.

Be cautious if she attempts to go out of her way for you in the future, there probably will be an alterior motive.

readbooksdrinktea · 16/08/2023 10:09

Papernotplastic · 15/08/2023 19:40

I’d say she was being unreasonable but ‘years’? You left boxes in her house for years? We’re you ever planning to collect them?

This! Go get your stuff.

thing47 · 16/08/2023 10:21

If you're sick of storing someone's stuff, however long it has been, you call them up and say 'please can you arrange to collect your boxes asap.' And set a deadline if you wish. It does not give you the right to decide to go through those boxes which contain someone else's personal belongings.

Personally I'd rather have boxes piled high in my living room than stored somewhere that my MIL could access them. So as PPs have said, go and collect as soon as is practical, then you can tell her you think she's been very rude.

Fraaahnces · 16/08/2023 10:30

Make sure when you go and collect them, to make an extra special effort to go through her handbag and bills. Pass comment on everything.

Vegemiteandhoneyontoast · 16/08/2023 10:36

stayathomer · 15/08/2023 17:12

It’s only an issue because you both don’t get on. If my mil started going through stuff to figure out what to keep I’d say ‘oops, forgot to take it!’ and take it back. Sorry you’re all having a rocky time though, it sounds hard

Not getting on has nothing to do with it, rummaging through someone's belongings is beyond rude. I'm storing stuff for my brother (who I'm very close to) because he has nowhere else to store it just now and wouldn't dream of opening his cases and looking through his stuff because his things are private.

I had a similar but different experience. When me and OH worked abroad for a couple of years, we asked a family member of his to take care of a foot stool for us. She took 'care' of it by having it recovered (in a fabric we disliked) and claiming for her own and it took us years to get it back. Some people just have no respect.

Original poster
ChilliHeelerluckedout · 16/08/2023 20:50

@BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants I laughed out loud at this 😆

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Original poster
ChilliHeelerluckedout · 16/08/2023 20:53

@DepartureLounge we could both be crazy but I am so glad you feel the same way! Certainly makes me feel less crazy 😊

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Original poster
ChilliHeelerluckedout · 16/08/2023 20:55

Good Lord! I'm so sorry! 🫤

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Original poster
ChilliHeelerluckedout · 16/08/2023 20:58

@PoshPineapple Fair enough. Shouldn't have stopped her from mentioning it to me first though.

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Soontobe60 · 16/08/2023 21:00

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 15/08/2023 19:24

That is absolutely disgusting what she has done, nosy old biddy, go and get your stuff as soon as you can and keep calm and just keep saying if she says anything that she has overstepped boundaries by being nosy. Years ago I left boxes of photos in my sisters and she kept them in attic and they took them down her and her fella and went through them all, I find that quite shocking as I would never do that as I would feel cringey to even think about doing that and would never even cross my mind to be nosy.

Were they nudes??? Dont leave your shit in other people’s lofts!!!

Inmybirthdaysuit · 16/08/2023 21:01

If you haven't needed any of it for 'years' and don't even remember what is in it then I think it is probably safe to say that it is junk. Just apologise for dumping it on her for years and tell her to bin the lot. She shouldn't have looked through them but you shouldn't have treated her home like a dumping ground either. They both cancel each other out imo.

Original poster
ChilliHeelerluckedout · 16/08/2023 21:03

Thanks everyone for your responses. For those who disagree, I've had to really consider (1) why the boxes were there for so long, (2) whether it was wise to leave them at MIL in the first place. In terms of (1) it might not have been fair to have left them there for so long and in terms of (2) it was not wise to have left them with her.

For those who agree, I feel validated, and am grateful for it.

OP posts:
DepartureLounge · 16/08/2023 22:05

Why do people assume that things you haven't 'needed' for years are necessarily 'junk'?

OP says she was not long out of uni when the boxes were stored. At that age, you aren't that settled, so you don't necessarily have anywhere to display family photos, for example, or perhaps want to protect them by framing them but can't afford to spend the money for the time being. Surely everyone accumulates a certain amount of memorabilia that they hope to enjoy going back through at a later date? Maybe some of what's in OP's boxes is junk, but maybe some of it's treasured pictures, letters, diaries or family things. Why would she just bin it without even looking?

Are people thinking that she can just go shopping and buy some more 'stuff'?

calmcoco · 16/08/2023 22:09

She's rude.

You need to collect your stuff as it should be in your keeping.

Squishmallowy · 16/08/2023 22:11

Yanbu I’d hate that

PoshPineapple · 17/08/2023 14:28

@ChilliHeelerluckedout

Yes, agree - she obviously thinks possession really is 9/10s of the law!

Inmybirthdaysuit · 17/08/2023 15:42

DepartureLounge · 16/08/2023 22:05

Why do people assume that things you haven't 'needed' for years are necessarily 'junk'?

OP says she was not long out of uni when the boxes were stored. At that age, you aren't that settled, so you don't necessarily have anywhere to display family photos, for example, or perhaps want to protect them by framing them but can't afford to spend the money for the time being. Surely everyone accumulates a certain amount of memorabilia that they hope to enjoy going back through at a later date? Maybe some of what's in OP's boxes is junk, but maybe some of it's treasured pictures, letters, diaries or family things. Why would she just bin it without even looking?

Are people thinking that she can just go shopping and buy some more 'stuff'?

I'm not a 'memorabilia' person, that is just junk. Usually 'memorabilia' sits in boxes in your house that you take out once or twice then eventually gets binned by you or gets looked through and binned when you are dead. If it was important family photos the OP would remember that but she doesn't even know what is in it. People remember the things that are important to them.

And no you wouldn't go shopping for more junk, why would you go shopping to replace things you don't need Confused The OP has a husband and a kid now I'm pretty sure it is safe to say there is nothing in those boxes that needs replacing or she would have realised before now.

Original poster
ChilliHeelerluckedout · 18/08/2023 08:18

@PoshPineapple 😆

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Original poster
ChilliHeelerluckedout · 18/08/2023 08:22

@BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants that's awful! But I think my siblings would do the same, even though I'd never touch theirs in the alternate situation... I just don't get it, though.

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