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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decline birthday invite?

35 replies

Bdquestion · 15/08/2023 09:46

Name and some small details changed to avoid outing.

Close friend is turning 40 soon.

Party is being organised by and held at the house of another friend of hers, we'll call the organiser Mary.

Mary has invited her wider circle - I'll call them ' The Group'. Mary and the group all live in the same neighbourhood and do all their socialising together every weekend. Basically all couples (and one single male) in 30s and 40s and tbh quite cliquey and closed to outsiders. My friend and her DH aren't part of the group but on the periphery and getting friendlier with them in recent times. I'm not part of it either but we used to sometimes be all at same events due to mutual friends etc. I should mention some of the group knew my ex h who I divorced a few years ago due to emotional abuse. No one knows about this abuse and exh played victim very well. He's no longer in same town.

A year ago when single, I was at a party where many of the group were present and got talking to the only single guy in the group. We then dated for a bit and I thought he was nice. I began socialising at some of the group events a bit more and thought I was being accepted.

We were all at a concert and while I went to the loo, I found out (the following day) the supposedly nice guy I'd been dating was slagging me off and disrespecting me to the other men and some of the women in the group, presumably they all believed my exh version of me and had no respect for me. I only found out as one of the men is cousins with another close friend of mine (she's not part of the group at all though and isnt the birthday friend either) and he decided to tip her off so she'd have a word with me and warn me off the next day.

She did warn me off but she did it in quite a telling off way as if I'd done something wrong. As if it was my fault that he disrespected me. It was humiliating. When I was with them at the concert they were all nice to my face then I find out its different behind my back and I get a dressing down for it from my so called friend. She basically said I'd been too loose following divorce and they all thought I was 'easy' so he was only dating me for this reason. I dated a few people post divorce and thought I'd been discreet about my private love life but friend said they social media stalked me and seemed to know who I'd dated previously. I had no idea of any of this and I thought single people were allowed to date other single people in peace without judgement. Obviously not.

Anyway that whole saga really knocked my confidence and I was very upset by it. I vowed to stay well away from all of them and that includes this birthday party.

I told birthday friend I didn't feel comfortable going due to what happened and can I take her for a meal out instead to celebrate. the whole group will be there and it's in their neighbourhood. She's said I'm selfish and oversensitive and can't believe I'm doing this to her. AIBU?

BTW I appreciate how high school this sounds. Had I know how toxic they all were I never would have gone near any of them. I think I need to cut ties with the lot of them tbh but just wanted some more perspectives as I'm quite emotional with it all.

OP posts:
ChaToilLeam · 15/08/2023 09:50

Your friend is being an arse, these people were horrible to you. Shows where her priorities are!

Blueroses99 · 15/08/2023 09:52

You’re not selfish or oversensitive. Put yourself first, self preservation and wanting to avoid toxic people is fine. Disappointed in your friends response, I can understand her wanting you there but that’s awful, making out it’s your fault. Not someone I’d want to stay friends with, to be honest.

Nevermay · 15/08/2023 09:55

don't go if you don't want to go - you don't need to explain, birthday parties are not compulsory.

And don't put all your dates on social media

Original poster
Bdquestion · 15/08/2023 09:56

@Nevermay I never put dates on SM. They looked at who liked my photos and did some digging/ asking around. I've booted them all off my private accounts now

OP posts:
Mindymomo · 15/08/2023 09:57

No way would I want to spend time with these people, you’ve suggested an alternative to your friend and if they were a true friend they would understand why you don’t want to be with these people. Life’s too short to be with people who make you uncomfortable.

Heyisforhorses · 15/08/2023 10:05

The only person in the group that comes out semi okay is the man who alerted your friend to tell you. He would have been fully okay if he had have told the fella you were seeing to shut his mouth. Ditch the lot of them, your friend is one of them now and they all sound like pricks. Anyone who judges your so harshly isn't adding value to your life so get rid of them.

HateMyselfToo · 15/08/2023 10:09

You need nicer friends.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 15/08/2023 10:20

Do you trust the ‘close friend’ who warned you about all of this? From the way she related the news to you, as a telling off, I’d be taking it with a punch of salt and wondering how much of what she relayed is what they said about you and how much is actually her own thoughts she threw in for good measure. You heard about this third hand so if they group were always nice to you don’t just believe everything your friend’s cousin supposedly told her, the fact she told you you were too ‘loose’ makes it sound like she was just looking for an excuse to voice her judgements about your behaviour and interfere.

Original poster
Bdquestion · 15/08/2023 10:55

MolkosTeenageAngst · 15/08/2023 10:20

Do you trust the ‘close friend’ who warned you about all of this? From the way she related the news to you, as a telling off, I’d be taking it with a punch of salt and wondering how much of what she relayed is what they said about you and how much is actually her own thoughts she threw in for good measure. You heard about this third hand so if they group were always nice to you don’t just believe everything your friend’s cousin supposedly told her, the fact she told you you were too ‘loose’ makes it sound like she was just looking for an excuse to voice her judgements about your behaviour and interfere.

I do trust her but no doubt some of her own judgement was thrown in. Her approach was very punitive

The vibe at the concert was off at times and I had a suspicion things had been said or something wasn't right that night. A few of the women exchanged looks when I came back from the loo but I kept wondering if I was seeing things

OP posts:
Original poster
Bdquestion · 15/08/2023 10:58

I was seeing a therapist at the time and we spent a whole session on this. I was sobbing about it like a pathetic school girl

I think it triggered some horrid childhood feelings in me about shame/ judgement as I hated the idea that a group of people might have judged me so harshly based on exh false narrative

OP posts:
Original poster
Bdquestion · 15/08/2023 10:59

Therapist explained this group and the dynamic could potentially be a big trigger for me as I was judged/ shamed as a child. Another reason I avoid at all costs

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 15/08/2023 11:02

You are 100% right to give this group an active swerve. Also your friend is either an idiot or (my guess) she is not at ease with that group either and wanted you there for support. Either way she should understand and accept why you don't want to go.

Cryingbutstilltrying · 15/08/2023 11:06

They all sound foul op.
Avoid completely, they are bitchy and judgy. I think you can do much better than that.
Just don’t go to the party and drop them, no need to put yourself through all this angst over it.

Ladybug14 · 15/08/2023 11:07

None of these people are friends - apart from guy who warned you

Don't go to party

Go no contact with the lot of them

Original poster
Bdquestion · 15/08/2023 12:16

Yes I think no contact is the only way forward. I have a potential opportunity to move to a new town soon with work over two hours away and been seriously considering it to have a fresh start - I have no ties to where I live now after seeing how hollow some of my supposed friendships were

OP posts:
Ladybug14 · 15/08/2023 13:40

Good for you! I think that's a brilliant idea. A fresh start will work well for you 🥰

Faithalways · 15/08/2023 14:29

I would personally cut contact with them, they don't sound like true friends. It's best to have one or two true friendships than 10+ etc.
Also I'm so sorry you went through this - not everyone is the same and will not treat you the way they have. It sounds like you already know what to do all the best x

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 15/08/2023 14:33

Find yourself a drop dead gorgeous man. Hire one if necessary and turn up stunning op. They all sound utter bitches...

LlynTegid · 15/08/2023 14:37

No contact is the best decision I feel, good on you.

SequinsandStiIettos · 15/08/2023 14:37

You can see who you like. You can fuck who you like.
I thought the days of misogynist "slut-shaming" were in the past. You can bet your bottom dollar no one would have given your ex's dating history a second glance. As for the supposed nice guy dating you as he thought you were an easy lay, fuck him - or rather don't.
Your friend's cousin sounds nice enough, your friend not so much. Your close friend is being an arse. You do need better friends. Move and sack the lot of them.

meganorks · 15/08/2023 14:44

I would be most upset with your 'friend's' reaction to you saying you don't want to go to be honest. I would never speak to a friend like that. Sure she might try and convince you to go, that it wouldn't be that bad etc. But calling you selfish and oversensitive is just horrible, particularly when you said you would do something else nice with her instead.

As for 'the group', I agree that they don't sound like people you want to hang out with. But I would also say that all you have second (third?) hand reports so you don't really know what has been said etc. The fact that the 'friend' who warned you off did so in such a nasty way makes me think she has added to the original message and put some of her own unkind opinions in. The original message could well have been more along the lines of 'I don't think he is really that in to her so she might want to reconsider dating him if she feels differently'.

That said, all in all, I'd say you need some better friends! None of these people seem like you should be worth your time - your 'friends' are worse than 'the group'!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 15/08/2023 14:48

Heyisforhorses · 15/08/2023 10:05

The only person in the group that comes out semi okay is the man who alerted your friend to tell you. He would have been fully okay if he had have told the fella you were seeing to shut his mouth. Ditch the lot of them, your friend is one of them now and they all sound like pricks. Anyone who judges your so harshly isn't adding value to your life so get rid of them.

Yes, all of this!

hardboiledeggs · 15/08/2023 14:52

Sorry Op but she's not a friend. Never in a millions years would i stand by and let people treat any friend of mine like that, close or not. You deserve better.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 15/08/2023 14:54

You need new friends

cheddercherry · 15/08/2023 15:00

Take the break and get a fresh start, you didn’t do anything wrong. They all sound quite pathetic and self absorbed and I imagine it’s a very fragile “clique”. I’m sure you’ll find more genuine people and a fresh lease of life with the new job without all this drama and gossip hanging over you. Good luck!

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