Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decline birthday invite?

35 replies

Bdquestion · 15/08/2023 09:46

Name and some small details changed to avoid outing.

Close friend is turning 40 soon.

Party is being organised by and held at the house of another friend of hers, we'll call the organiser Mary.

Mary has invited her wider circle - I'll call them ' The Group'. Mary and the group all live in the same neighbourhood and do all their socialising together every weekend. Basically all couples (and one single male) in 30s and 40s and tbh quite cliquey and closed to outsiders. My friend and her DH aren't part of the group but on the periphery and getting friendlier with them in recent times. I'm not part of it either but we used to sometimes be all at same events due to mutual friends etc. I should mention some of the group knew my ex h who I divorced a few years ago due to emotional abuse. No one knows about this abuse and exh played victim very well. He's no longer in same town.

A year ago when single, I was at a party where many of the group were present and got talking to the only single guy in the group. We then dated for a bit and I thought he was nice. I began socialising at some of the group events a bit more and thought I was being accepted.

We were all at a concert and while I went to the loo, I found out (the following day) the supposedly nice guy I'd been dating was slagging me off and disrespecting me to the other men and some of the women in the group, presumably they all believed my exh version of me and had no respect for me. I only found out as one of the men is cousins with another close friend of mine (she's not part of the group at all though and isnt the birthday friend either) and he decided to tip her off so she'd have a word with me and warn me off the next day.

She did warn me off but she did it in quite a telling off way as if I'd done something wrong. As if it was my fault that he disrespected me. It was humiliating. When I was with them at the concert they were all nice to my face then I find out its different behind my back and I get a dressing down for it from my so called friend. She basically said I'd been too loose following divorce and they all thought I was 'easy' so he was only dating me for this reason. I dated a few people post divorce and thought I'd been discreet about my private love life but friend said they social media stalked me and seemed to know who I'd dated previously. I had no idea of any of this and I thought single people were allowed to date other single people in peace without judgement. Obviously not.

Anyway that whole saga really knocked my confidence and I was very upset by it. I vowed to stay well away from all of them and that includes this birthday party.

I told birthday friend I didn't feel comfortable going due to what happened and can I take her for a meal out instead to celebrate. the whole group will be there and it's in their neighbourhood. She's said I'm selfish and oversensitive and can't believe I'm doing this to her. AIBU?

BTW I appreciate how high school this sounds. Had I know how toxic they all were I never would have gone near any of them. I think I need to cut ties with the lot of them tbh but just wanted some more perspectives as I'm quite emotional with it all.

OP posts:
LylaLee · 15/08/2023 15:04

What a bag of dicks they all are.

You've got at least a couple of million other people to choose from (similar interests/values).

Gymnopedie · 15/08/2023 15:05

I think it's significant that your friend is on the periphery of the group. She wants to get into the inner circle so is prioritising them over you. She doesn't care about your feelings but I suspect she thinks it will reflect on her if a supposedly good friend says no. And maybe she's afraid that if they're not bitching about you it'll be her turn.

If the group are people like you've described she's not going to be someone you want to be friends with. Cut out all of them and go and make yourself a fabulous new life.

Ridemeginger · 15/08/2023 15:06

I wonder if your birthday friend's motive for wanting you there is because she is required (by this toxic group) to "deliver" you into their presence. They had such a laugh at your expense last time, after all. Maybe they will aim their ire at her if you don't come. Honestly, bin the lot of them, including birthday "friend" - she's no ally of yours any more. You've done absolutely nothing wrong by dating as a single woman. They sound like they are bored of themselves and need to manufacture drama to keep the group interesting.

Caroparo52 · 15/08/2023 15:09

100% don't go.
Look after and respect yourself first and formost.
People change and drop friends all the time. Sounds like now is that time.

Original poster
Bdquestion · 15/08/2023 15:50

Gymnopedie · 15/08/2023 15:05

I think it's significant that your friend is on the periphery of the group. She wants to get into the inner circle so is prioritising them over you. She doesn't care about your feelings but I suspect she thinks it will reflect on her if a supposedly good friend says no. And maybe she's afraid that if they're not bitching about you it'll be her turn.

If the group are people like you've described she's not going to be someone you want to be friends with. Cut out all of them and go and make yourself a fabulous new life.

You hit the nail on the head. She's been getting closer to the group and I think wants to become more part of it.

Thanks for all the comments, I think the whole situation has highlighted they're really not real friends and I definitely need to move on.

I also thought days of slut shaming were over but apparently not. They are from a different country where slut shaming is more common (I'm British but speak the language)

OP posts:
jlpth · 15/08/2023 19:59

Just don’t contact any of these people anymore, including the stampy feet birthday princess.

Maddy70 · 15/08/2023 20:14

I don't think you need to detail anything. Just say you can't come but you would love to take her for a birthday lunch and to give you some convenient dates

Olika · 15/08/2023 20:27

I would not attend the party in million years.

Original poster
Bdquestion · 16/08/2023 09:55

I offered the birthday girl a lunch date again but I don't think she's interested. She didn't really acknowledge what I'd said and just changed topic. I don't think I'll ask again.

I've now made plans to go away for the weekend when the birthday is happening so I can have a nicer time elsewhere and just forget about all the drama.

OP posts:
Biscuitmonster2318 · 07/11/2023 15:25

Bdquestion · 15/08/2023 09:46

Name and some small details changed to avoid outing.

Close friend is turning 40 soon.

Party is being organised by and held at the house of another friend of hers, we'll call the organiser Mary.

Mary has invited her wider circle - I'll call them ' The Group'. Mary and the group all live in the same neighbourhood and do all their socialising together every weekend. Basically all couples (and one single male) in 30s and 40s and tbh quite cliquey and closed to outsiders. My friend and her DH aren't part of the group but on the periphery and getting friendlier with them in recent times. I'm not part of it either but we used to sometimes be all at same events due to mutual friends etc. I should mention some of the group knew my ex h who I divorced a few years ago due to emotional abuse. No one knows about this abuse and exh played victim very well. He's no longer in same town.

A year ago when single, I was at a party where many of the group were present and got talking to the only single guy in the group. We then dated for a bit and I thought he was nice. I began socialising at some of the group events a bit more and thought I was being accepted.

We were all at a concert and while I went to the loo, I found out (the following day) the supposedly nice guy I'd been dating was slagging me off and disrespecting me to the other men and some of the women in the group, presumably they all believed my exh version of me and had no respect for me. I only found out as one of the men is cousins with another close friend of mine (she's not part of the group at all though and isnt the birthday friend either) and he decided to tip her off so she'd have a word with me and warn me off the next day.

She did warn me off but she did it in quite a telling off way as if I'd done something wrong. As if it was my fault that he disrespected me. It was humiliating. When I was with them at the concert they were all nice to my face then I find out its different behind my back and I get a dressing down for it from my so called friend. She basically said I'd been too loose following divorce and they all thought I was 'easy' so he was only dating me for this reason. I dated a few people post divorce and thought I'd been discreet about my private love life but friend said they social media stalked me and seemed to know who I'd dated previously. I had no idea of any of this and I thought single people were allowed to date other single people in peace without judgement. Obviously not.

Anyway that whole saga really knocked my confidence and I was very upset by it. I vowed to stay well away from all of them and that includes this birthday party.

I told birthday friend I didn't feel comfortable going due to what happened and can I take her for a meal out instead to celebrate. the whole group will be there and it's in their neighbourhood. She's said I'm selfish and oversensitive and can't believe I'm doing this to her. AIBU?

BTW I appreciate how high school this sounds. Had I know how toxic they all were I never would have gone near any of them. I think I need to cut ties with the lot of them tbh but just wanted some more perspectives as I'm quite emotional with it all.

My friend would turn around and say she is test driving before buying.

you wouldn’t buy the first car you see, without test driving. Then if not perfect you try again and again.

You wouldn’t buy, shoes, bras foundation without trying first.
so now your trying first and as many as possible. The V-V needs a good mechanic. 😂😂

New posts on this thread. Refresh page