Page 4 | Husband annoyed over teaching etiquette

ClassicStripe · 2023-08-15T07:17:04+00:00

This year only me and one other colleague have swapped classrooms. That meant that we were the only people who needed to prep our rooms. Everyone else just had a little bit of house keeping to do. For this reason, I have gone in to school to work on my room 3 times over the holidays. NOTE: not once has my husband had to look after our children while I'm there nor has it made a jot of difference to his schedule. Last night he got really angry with me about going in to school in the holidays. He said I shouldn't be doing it and should do it in September (When? We have two full days of training and then the kids are back in!). He was really cross with me for not taking a stand and refusing to sort my classroom in the holidays. This has made me feel so fed up as obviously I would rather not go in but the classroom needs to be up to standards for the class to come back in. I find it so frustrating that he can't see it from my point of view at all and just insinuates I'm weak for going in. For what it's worth, he works in the private sector and gets paid a nice amount for over time and has some really good perks.

napody · 15/08/2023 13:29

Beamur · 15/08/2023 11:17

This may be part of the expectations around teaching and it probably is necessary - but the fact that teachers consistently have to work many hours beyond their contracted hours is a problem. Your professionalism is admirable but it is exploited by the system.
Really you shouldn't have to work in your time off because the way schools operate doesn't facilitate you sufficient time to do this - or have the staff to do this kind of task.
Your husband shouldn't be angry at you but he has a valid point.

Well, true. It's him taking it out on you that's the issue. I'd respond with stuff like 'well yes, I do work hard and am undervalued, like most teachers. Have you never seen the news? You don't have to do unpaid overtime, no. You're lucky.' Etc.

SomewhereWithSomeone · 15/08/2023 13:30

It’s none of his business. He’s trying to be controlling and I wouldn’t stand for it at all. Every teacher I know spends time sorting their classroom in the holiday, they like it to be ready for the children but also it makes their their life easier once the start of term is here.

neverbeenskiing · 15/08/2023 13:32

I work in a school (non-teaching DSL) and have a DH who has always worked in the private sector. He doesn't get angry with me, but he definitely finds it hard to understand some aspects of working in Education. Things like only being able to resign from your post at certain times of the year, very limited budget for training, not being able to book leave in term time, buying your own resources...he thinks these things are all completely unreasonable because no one in his industry would put up with it. It does get a bit frustrating explaining that, while he might have a point about some things, we work in completely different worlds and that's just how it is.

RoadSignFool · 15/08/2023 13:36

My concern here would be that he is “angry” in relation to your decision to use your own time as you see fit. It is none of his business. Is he suggesting you should be at home cooking for him or something? What if you chose to spend those three days on a dressmaking course, or learning to skydive, or similar? Is he patronisingly suggesting that he knows better than you do what makes you happy?

Goldenbear · 15/08/2023 13:36

I am not a teacher but I work for a few schools with my job and therefore my working hours are mainly term time. This does not stop the work I do popping up in the holidays and I have intermittently looked at emails work so far this summer, my DH feels the same but it's not about childcare as I am WFH on this stuff and my kids are pre teen and 16 so no childcare issues, his objection is that the pay is horrendously crap and it doesn't justify it. He is very much a professional works all hours God's sends and when we were in Spain last week took part in one Teams meeting and took a phonecall from a client. He is rewarded for this is his argument.

Ilovelurchers · 15/08/2023 13:36

I too have swapped classrooms and have actually enjoyed going in for a few days to get the new one ready! And I work in a (state) school which is brilliant in terms of promoting work life balance - every time I go in, members of SLT who see me remind me of the importance of having a proper holiday, etc....

It's MY choice to go in - I would rather do it and enjoy the (actually quite satisfying, to me) process of getting my room ready .....

TheCrystalPalace · 15/08/2023 13:45

DreamItDoIt · 15/08/2023 09:09

This business of teachers going in and doing some work over the holidays is ridiculous. People in professional roles all do 'extra' work outside the 'normal' working hours. This is just a bit of prep, it's not as though you're attending an important meeting 'unpaid' .

This 'we don't technically get paid for holidays' makes teachers sound unprofessional imo.

No one has said otherwise and teachers, like other professionals have been doing so without complaint forever. But it wasn't a teacher (I presume) who brought up the "not paid in holidays" thing but another poster stating, incorrectly, that we are. Why is it unprofessional to correct that misunderstanding?

So, OP, you have found a way to manage part of the stress of the job in September (by doing it now, when you have some time) yet he is adding that stress back on by having a go at you about it? Not helpful. You're an adult and should be able to pick and choose your own schedule. He is not the boss of you.

HonoriaLucastaDelagardie · 15/08/2023 13:57

I bet none of DH’s private sector perks include 6 weeks summer holiday!

Six weeks unpaid summer holiday.

As a pp said, teachers are paid for term time and inset days - 195 days - plus statutory leave pro rata. For convenience, this is paid in monthly instalments across the whole year, but it is not 365 days pay.

Dee9409 · 15/08/2023 13:57

Smeeps · 15/08/2023 11:10

I am a teacher and I kind of agree with your husband - it shouldn’t be during the holidays that you have to do this and I believe you should be given additional time. If others are not having to do this, but essentially get paid the same, how is this fair??

i started at a new school in January and missed the safeguarding training. Was told I had to do it during my free periods. I agreed - but all the same time I was setting up a brand new classroom. It was not fair - and I should have been given time like everybody else was to do the safeguarding training.

i am part time and don’t work Mondays which is when they are doing the safeguarding. I am categorically not doing it during my free periods - as I am not giving up my time when nobody else has to. Essentially it’s working unpaid overtime.

it is time that teachers stopped volunteering and started working. We do it ‘for the kids’ and because ultimately I know I wouldn’t sleep at night if I didn’t have my classroom set up. But your SLT should be allocating time to set up classrooms during INSET days.

100% agree, I am also part time but expected to do the same outside of work, the problem is that there is no limit but there is so much now to do admin you’re quickly picked up if something is not right but there is no consideration for workload so I do think your husband is concerned not being mean about it. It is a real issue, the thing is if others don’t go in during the holidays as well then they are compared to the ones who are going in during the holidays and frowned upon. This is unfair. That’s why teachers should stick together and refuse to use their own holiday time unless they are paid for it.

ohdamnitjanet · 15/08/2023 14:05

None of his business, criticise his working practices and see how outraged he becomes.

RoadSignFool · 15/08/2023 14:07

Smeeps · 15/08/2023 11:10

I am a teacher and I kind of agree with your husband - it shouldn’t be during the holidays that you have to do this and I believe you should be given additional time. If others are not having to do this, but essentially get paid the same, how is this fair??

i started at a new school in January and missed the safeguarding training. Was told I had to do it during my free periods. I agreed - but all the same time I was setting up a brand new classroom. It was not fair - and I should have been given time like everybody else was to do the safeguarding training.

i am part time and don’t work Mondays which is when they are doing the safeguarding. I am categorically not doing it during my free periods - as I am not giving up my time when nobody else has to. Essentially it’s working unpaid overtime.

it is time that teachers stopped volunteering and started working. We do it ‘for the kids’ and because ultimately I know I wouldn’t sleep at night if I didn’t have my classroom set up. But your SLT should be allocating time to set up classrooms during INSET days.

I am presuming by “free periods” here you mean time when you have no pupils in class, which you use to do work like lesson planning and marking, not actual free time?

Surely then this is not a case of you giving up your free time, but using working hours to do a different work task? In which case you have to ask your bosses which other task should be dropped to accommodate the safeguarding training?

Newnamefor23 · 15/08/2023 14:22

Before we had children I’d spend a good couple of weeks in school over the summer. DW wasn’t a teacher then and was at work.

When children were younger I did less but spent, perhaps, a negotiated week of mornings in.

When DW was a teacher we’d split the holiday up a bit, take children in etc.

The stress of a September after doing no in school preparation would be high.

Escapingafter50years · 15/08/2023 14:25

Wouldn't it be nice if he:

Asked how putting this time in is going to benefit you.
Said he was proud of you for caring about your work and being well organised.
Offered to support you by e.g. minding HIS OWN children whilst you get a bit of space.

Getting angry at you in these circumstances should not be acceptable to you.

HaveYouHeardOfARoadAtlas · 15/08/2023 14:28

I feel your pain, I used to work full time for the nhs as a midwife and when I’d come home after a 13 hour shift and tell dh I’d had no break, nothing to eat and only managed one wee he’d get cross.

Tell me to take a stand and have my break, that it’s a legal requirement, etc. with his cosy office job he just didn’t get it. And I’d say to him that I can’t leave a woman in labour or on high dependency care and if there’s nobody to cover my break I can’t just walk away.

i think they just feel frustrated for you.

duvetdayy · 15/08/2023 14:29

He has no idea - you obviously have to go in and work on your classroom. I moved rooms for the first time this year and went in for a day at the start, and I’ll have to go in again at the end. It is so soul destroying when your partner doesn’t respect your workload - I had an ex in my NQT year who hated when I worked late and hated when I took books home and hated when I had work to do at the weekend… It’s impossible to manage it when your partner thinks you’re working for no reason or managing your time poorly.

LividHot · 15/08/2023 14:35

My nearlyXH was shocked when I told him I was working during the day, and all of the week ad infinitum.

"What do you mean? You finished exam marking last week?"

"I'm moving schools and taking on a new role. How do you think I'm going to get ready for September?"

"In September??"

Reader, he earns 3x what I earn, wfh and takes a full hour for lunch. He complained I did too much exam marking "for minimum wage" but also complained I had no money and wanted a less shit financial settlement from him. These are only partially the reasons why we are divorcing.

Spirallingdownwards · 15/08/2023 14:44

Your DH may be in private sector but if he gets overtime he probably isn't in a profession where your hours are generally the time it takes to do the job. I have friends who always used to say you must be raking in the overtime when working late on deals. No I wasn't because it went with the job and the reward comes after time as you progress through the ranks to salaries they wouldn't believe [because if you state those types of salaries on MN people say you are lying].

Teaching unfortunately as a profession comes with the same expectation but without the eventual high salary except in some indies.

Tiredanddistracted · 15/08/2023 14:47

My DP doesnt get it either. Used to get v annoyed when I had to work on weekends or evenings instead of going out etc. It didn't compute, no matter how many times I explained that I couldn't just rock up to school the next morning and say to Y11, "sorry guys, no lesson today - I went to the cinema last night instead." I don't think his age helps, in that we both have vague memories of lessons in the 90s in which the whole hour was spent doing textbook work or writing a story. Most non-teachers don't realise how much expectations have changed in terms of the regimented structure of lessons and what they need to contain.

On more than one occasion, he's expressed concerns that I'm a workaholic (I'm really, really not) and can't accept it when I explain that working some evenings and a few hours on a weekend is the norm in the profession.

Recently I've gained a TLR which is very full on and begins in September. However, there are some things which need prepping beforehand so I'm doing some work from home a few days this summer. He's very huffy and keeps reminding me I'm not being paid yet. I know that the school can't reasonably expect me to do the work unpaid during the holidays, but as I keep explaining to him, I'm going to have to do it sometime so I'd rather do it at home, in the garden with a beer, than having to do it all in September alongside the usual chaos of a new school year. September me will thank August me for doing the work. As, I pointed out, will he when he doesn't have to spend the first term coaxing me through stress related burnout.

It's a tough job and there is something systematically wrong that teachers are having to do it. But it is where we are and, tbh, well-meaning friends and family huffing and puffing on our behalf, often constitute just another later of stress to deal with.

Traxz · 15/08/2023 15:10

AllAboardTootToot · 15/08/2023 08:22

Id politely tell him to kindly go intercourse himself! (Reword for the version I would actually say 😂)

you can say fuck here

Frenchiex · 15/08/2023 15:19

As someone with quite a few friends and family members who are teachers I’d argue it’s not your point of view and contrary to what some people believe (teachers work 9-3 term time) it’s actually really common for teachers to do this.
Surely as your OH he knows this?
YANBU and I hope your hard works makes your first week back a little easier.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 15/08/2023 16:46

It's not his business, is it?

Seashor · 15/08/2023 17:01

I’m with your husband. I work hard during term time but I refuse to go in during the holidays. I don’t see it as my classroom but a class that I teach in. Any preparation that anyone wants me to do to the classroom is NOT done in my own time.

AnneElliott · 15/08/2023 17:03

Goodness I don't know what teachers that don't do this? My SIL has been in 3 days already and will do some more before September and my other SIL (who's a sort of high level TA) has gone in as well!

Surely it must be nice to sort your own room in the quiet with no one else bothering you!

Your DH must have a very cushy job if he's never had to work late/weekend or do something that technically he isn't paid for! I'm a civil servant and we do. My H used to moan when I came home at 3am after a session in Parliament and had to be back at the office for 8am to start again (on a bill team). I felt lucky they'd paid for a taxi home! But at least that was seriously late hours!

notacooldad · 15/08/2023 17:07

Him getting paid for every minute of overtime suggests he probably doesn’t have a professional job. Most professions have some degree of unpaid overtime!
I'm not sure. I am in a professional role for a local authority and expect to be paid or have TOIL for any overtime I do. Years ago I let a lot go but I value my time more these days and therefore expect to be compensated for it.
Our manager agrees and no one is expected to work over without reward.

flowertoday · 15/08/2023 17:08

That sounds rubbish for you. Your husband should listen to you, take an interest in your life and needs including the realities of your job. It isn't right that you have to give time in the holidays, but him behaving like an ignorant twit about it is just heaping pressure on you.
Thank you for teaching, your efforts and dedication are much appreciated 🙏 🌻🦋