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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To go on holiday on my own?

35 replies

lastminutewednesday · 14/08/2023 18:34

DH's ex wife consistently tries her hardest to make life difficult. Everything we do with DSS's is criticised. She is working very hard to alienate them. Anything we do is made harder. We gave her a year and a bits notice for our planned wedding, the night before which was 'her night' with the DSS's and we'd usually get them at 5pm. She said they wouldn't be able to come as it's her time with them.
Given how awful she is about literally everything else we cancelled said wedding and decided to go and get married on our own which we did and later had a lunch with all our family to celebrate. She then decided this had 'psychologically affected' the boys and they should have been included in the registry office (which was in central london and was on a school day -the only date we could get when we wanted it and which also would have caused ructions-plus if we couldn't have our big wedding we at least wanted a boozy nice lunch and night out after our quick registry office one. (The boys weren't bothered in the slightest).

She decided this year she was going on holiday and booked a week to come back the day after we were due to start our week with the Boys. When asked why she had done that she said we had got back four hours later than agreed last year from our holiday so she was taking the time back. (Our holiday with the Boys last year had been booked before the court order was even in place and our flight got delayed-literally nothing we could have done). Dh suggested altering pick/up drop off days over the summer from Saturday to Saturday to Sunday to Sunday (we have them week on week off over summer hols) to accommodate her holiday booking and ensuring no one lost any time. She refused. We therefore checked our work calendars and my schedule with the girls dad and booked what is our delayed Honeymoon from Saturday to Friday in the only time we could do it. She then, two weeks later, decided she had changed her mind and wanted to agree to Sunday to Sunday weeks.
Which would mean we couldn't go away as planned on Saturday.
DH's parents offered to have the boys on the Saturday night and drop them back to their mum on the Sunday. She demanded them back at 10.30 am. Their grandparents can't get them there for this time as it would mean leaving at silly o clock. Dh asked her for 12.30. She said no.

This is now causing huge stress. Nasty emails from the Mum and her boyfriend. DH's mum getting stressed.Dh getting stressed.

WIBU to just go on my own?
We have had years of her disrupting and dictating our lives. And I really need this break. I want to go with DH obvs. But not with this amount of stress.

I have given up my longstanding career to facilitate the boys long school run (she moved them an hour away to move in with her boyfriend). I've moved house to accommodate living between where they were living before and where my girls dad lives. I gave up my big wedding as she was going to make it impossible. I did all that willingly because I love dh and the boys and our family and I recognise in blended families compromise is needed. I give up my DH to the stress of it half the time because whatever he tries (reasoning with her, standing up to her) doesn't work. Now my 6 days of bloody holiday is being ruined before it even begins.
WIBU to go on my own and dh can fly out when he gets chance? I can get the ferry and do the first bit of our European road trip on my own if needed though it won't be much fun. Or just fuck that off even and get a last minute to Majorca or somewhere?

So fed up.

And before anyone asks why she is so aggy-no one knows. She had the affair that ended their marriage long before I came along. She fell out with all their mutual friends. She left the marriage with a huge amount of money, and gets a huge amount of CMS monthly, never late. She doesn't know me at all and says she doesn't care that I'm in the boys lives. She loathes dh and has her own boyfriend who she loudly claims is the love of her life etc etc so she isn't Jealous.She can have no cause for complaint about any of it. Yet pours all her energy into being as horrible as possible.

OP posts:
dinmin · 14/08/2023 18:55

Court.

Cloverforever · 14/08/2023 19:14

Definitely go on your own, you've done quite enough.

And yes, take her to court and get it all agreed properly. She sounds nuts quite frankly.

lastminutewednesday · 14/08/2023 19:32

We've been to court. We can't afford to go back. Plus you have to go to medication first-we've sent her some dates. Awaiting response. It's a long process. And won't be in time for our holiday in a few weeks time.
She is nuts. But she is making dh (and me) nuts in a different way as a result :(

OP posts:
lastminutewednesday · 14/08/2023 19:32

Mediation.
Tho medication might also help at this point!!

OP posts:
Cantrushart · 14/08/2023 19:45

Obviously you are angry with DH's ex, but I think you must be pissed with DH too. Going away alone is more of a statement to him than to his ex. I'm sure that she would be delighted to know that she'd effectively split you up for what should be a lovely holiday for you both. Do you need to have a conversation with him about boundaries and priorities?

lastminutewednesday · 14/08/2023 20:15

I am to a degree pissed off with dh. But I'm also aware that he has tried everything he can with her. And that includes lengthy and expensive court proceedings. She breaks the court order frequently and there is no real recourse (that doesn't take months, so it's frankly toothless in terms of reinforcement when she for example withholds the kids or refuses to be reasonable about drop off times etc). It's hard and harder because they now live an hour and a bit away so it's not like we can say we are just going to drop them off at the previously agreed time for example, because if she decides she's not in we can't just leave and go home (they are just a bit too young to be left to fend for themselves with us not knowing where she might be and us an hour away iyswim) We can't call her bluff (without risking a two and a half hour round wasted trip and nor would we ever put the Boys in the middle that way anyway)

OP posts:
lastminutewednesday · 14/08/2023 20:17

The irony is she doesn't even know we are going away. We didn't tell her deliberately as we knew she would try and spanner it. As it is she's decided to do that anyway just for the hell of it.

OP posts:
lastminutewednesday · 14/08/2023 20:19

We had intended to just send her the address of where we were in case of emergencies after we got there.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 14/08/2023 20:24

Yes definitely it might encourage your DH to be a bit more assertive around her.I'm very surprised though in your OP you said you gave up your career so you could move nearer the SDCs, are you working?

Grumpy101 · 14/08/2023 20:27

I think you have done too much and you have been too accomodating. You're sacrificing your life for someone else's children. And that someone else doesn't have the balls to sort this out.

I would go on my own and reconsider my relationship as this is a miserable way to live. The truth is your DH's duty is to his kids first and if this is all so messy, he was not ready to build a life with you in the first place.

Viewfrommyhouse · 14/08/2023 20:32

DH's parents offered to have the boys on the Saturday night and drop them back to their mum on the Sunday. She demanded them back at 10.30 am. Their grandparents can't get them there for this time as it would mean leaving at silly o clock. Dh asked her for 12.30. She said no.

Why is anyone bowing down to this? If she's not travelling to collect them, how is she allowed to dictate the travel times?

HundredMilesAnHour · 14/08/2023 20:34

Viewfrommyhouse · 14/08/2023 20:32

DH's parents offered to have the boys on the Saturday night and drop them back to their mum on the Sunday. She demanded them back at 10.30 am. Their grandparents can't get them there for this time as it would mean leaving at silly o clock. Dh asked her for 12.30. She said no.

Why is anyone bowing down to this? If she's not travelling to collect them, how is she allowed to dictate the travel times?

Why can't you just drop them off at 12.30 anyway or will she scream at DH's parents too much?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/08/2023 20:35

It sounds like you’re both lying down and accepting it much to much! Although I appreciate this is your DH more than you as he needs to be the one to stand up to her

lastminutewednesday · 14/08/2023 20:44

Yes I am. Now self employed, bit of consultancy stuff around the field in qualified in and I also do care work-all very flexible so works for us.

If the grandparents went at 12.30 rather than 10.30, the mum would go to the pick up point st 10.30, make a huge issue of it, slate dh and I to the boys, and withhold them for any number of the next times they are with us. We would never hear the end of it, going on past experience the one time we did this. And then it was only a matter of an hour!

OP posts:
lastminutewednesday · 14/08/2023 20:50

She dictates everything. I don't agree that she should be allowed to do so and I've told dh he needs to stop adhering to this as much. But it's a long standing thing-it happened in their relationship long before they split up. And the issue is the boys are terrified of her, and will not go against her wishes in any way. If we are even 5 minutes late DS1 in particular becomes incredibly anxious. And then the next time we see him we hear about how awful we were to be late and how inconvenient it was for her how amazing she is etc etc... the poor kid can't think for himself where his mum is concerned at all.

OP posts:
Viewfrommyhouse · 14/08/2023 20:57

lastminutewednesday · 14/08/2023 20:50

She dictates everything. I don't agree that she should be allowed to do so and I've told dh he needs to stop adhering to this as much. But it's a long standing thing-it happened in their relationship long before they split up. And the issue is the boys are terrified of her, and will not go against her wishes in any way. If we are even 5 minutes late DS1 in particular becomes incredibly anxious. And then the next time we see him we hear about how awful we were to be late and how inconvenient it was for her how amazing she is etc etc... the poor kid can't think for himself where his mum is concerned at all.

Why isn't your dh fighting for full custody of them if she's like this? She sounds emotionally abusive to the children.

JudgeJ · 14/08/2023 20:58

Viewfrommyhouse · 14/08/2023 20:32

DH's parents offered to have the boys on the Saturday night and drop them back to their mum on the Sunday. She demanded them back at 10.30 am. Their grandparents can't get them there for this time as it would mean leaving at silly o clock. Dh asked her for 12.30. She said no.

Why is anyone bowing down to this? If she's not travelling to collect them, how is she allowed to dictate the travel times?

Because so many 'mothers' in this situation get off on causing the maximum amount of trouble knowing that they can get away with it. It should be easier and cheaper to tackle there nasty 'mothers' to stop them being so damaging to the children, if they refuse to cooperate then custody should be given to the more reasonable parent and she should be paying massive amounts of support.

lastminutewednesday · 14/08/2023 21:04

Because the kids love their mum and because it's highly unlikely we would win! It's very hard to prove parental
Alienation. And DS1 in particular wouldn't want to live with us full time. He's very loyal to him mum because he isn't get old enough to work out what she's like.

OP posts:
xyz111 · 14/08/2023 21:10

I'm sorry for what you're going through Op. haven't really got any advice apart from I think you've shown yourself to be a very supportive and caring SM 😊

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 14/08/2023 21:43

lastminutewednesday · 14/08/2023 20:17

The irony is she doesn't even know we are going away. We didn't tell her deliberately as we knew she would try and spanner it. As it is she's decided to do that anyway just for the hell of it.

Just send her a message saying 'oh fantastic, that really suits us as we can go on holiday now, was going to be a right pain if you'd left it as it was as we weren't able to go on holiday otherwise'

Hopefully she'll decide to put a spanner in the works and change back to the original plan.

xyz111 · 14/08/2023 21:54

Just read your post again. If she wants them back for 10:30, then she can come and pick them up. I feel your DH needs to be a lot firmer and stop letting her dictate everything.

HappiDaze · 14/08/2023 22:04

For a start don't tell her why she is having the DC that day or weekend ie your wedding day or booked holidays then she won't know it's a special day to muck you around on

And yes just book your own solo holidays

The woman is a jealous nutcase

Open up a holiday savings account with your DH and plan loads of exotic holidays for when the DC turn 18 and you are free of her control over you

In the meantime go on short city breaks together.

HappiDaze · 14/08/2023 22:06

You've given up far to much already

I can not believe you've given up your career and moved for this absolute witch of a woman

HappiDaze · 14/08/2023 22:06

And your wedding day

HappiDaze · 14/08/2023 22:09

She just gets enjoyment out of being a cow

It gets her through the day

A bit like those vile people who enjoy beating them killing small defenceless children and babies

She's not far off that in her craziness to make someone's life an absolute hell for no other reason than she can

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