To be p***ed off friends don’t seem interested?

[Morecoffeetweak]

Hello, first post so please go easy on sleep-deprived FTM!

As above really - long term ‘best’ friends who also have kids don’t seem interested in maintaining a decent friendship anymore. Neither work, whilst I’m on maternity leave, yet they claim to be so busy with kids (who go to nursery/ school) that they can’t even respond to messages and often leave me on read for a week, if they reply at all. We’ve never been ones for regular meet ups either, life getting in the way, but both have only met my baby once and she’s now 8 months old.

I get that the jump from one to two kids can be a lot, but surely if children attend nursery and you don’t work, you can find the time to maintain friendships, or am I expecting too much?

There hasn’t been any fall-out/ bad blood/ nastiness which is why I’m asking as I’m sick of becoming wound up by this yet afraid I’m being an unreasonable and naive mother of one, expecting too much.

Maybe they're finding things difficult and don't feel up to socialising? Or maybe they're happy to let the friendship slide.

I wouldn't give up on them yet though. Can you suggest a park / soft play meet if theirs are of that age?

If they don't work do their partners expect them to do everything house/child/tea on the table etc? Two, does make a difference and school is hectic, there's always something going on, or homework etc. Then there's after school stuff. It's easier to get around with babies. My DD hung on in there and now her youngest is six, she's reconnecting old friendships.

both have only met my baby once and she’s now 8 months old.

Maybe that’s not the kind of socialising they want to do? Are you looking to meet up as friends or for them to come and see the baby?

@OwlBabiesAreCute I’m thinking they likely want to let the friendship slide and I’m wasting my time, but that’s a good idea - their children are a bit older but not so much that your suggestion wouldn’t work. Might be nicer than having to travel all the way to them as has been suggested previously!

@Ponoka7 no, they seem to share childcare responsibilities, drop offs etc, along with housework, which adds to my confusion (I won’t get as much help from my DP when I go back to work next year but will still make the time and effort for them!)
I appreciate having two is different, very good points. I’m glad your daughter persevered, maybe that’s the key at this stage of parenthood?

I include my own baby (many years ago now) but babies are just babies there is is no need to 'see them' they are just there

Meet ups for me when I had baby was for me not the baby

@yogasaurus if they weren’t parents themselves, of children I made the effort to visit and enquire about as often as I could, I would agree. But they are, both show an interest when they do eventually get in touch and say how lovely it would be to meet up to see her, yet messages in response go unanswered and I feel like it’s on me to persevere.
Also at this point they know I don’t have much childcare help so baby and I come as a package 😁

Honestly? Other peoples babies aren’t that interesting. Maybe suggest going out in the evening for some food and catch-up.

If they wanted to message you they would find time.

@WandaWonder @CapEBarra I’d agree if it weren’t for them acting like they’re more interested in baby than me! They haven’t been up for an evening in years and when they have suggested something it’s been daytime, close to nursery locations to avoid being late for pick ups.

I don't know. I wouldn't be so quick to think they are not interested/can't be bothered. I think sometimes life really can just get in the way. There is so much pressure on everyone these days.

They might have other things going on that they don't want to stress you out with/put on you.

I found that friends with older kids tended to prefer to socialise with people who had kids the same age when mine were babies. Babies aren't very entertaining for older kids, so they tended to arrange socialising with kids who their kids could play with.
So I made friends with people who had kids the same age as mine. It was only for a short while until the age gap was less apparent and then we carried on where we left off, but I had new friends too.
No point trying to force it if they're not engaging.

Just because they have one child in nursery for a few hours here and there an another at school for a few hours doesn't mean they have loads of time on their hands.
My children are way older but I still don't have time for friends. I'm too busy being a mum and wife. The only thing I agree with you on is not answering texts. Have you possibly made them feel pressured to meet up? Perhaps that's why they're not replying because they don't know how to say no to you.

@NewName122 thats my thinking!

@WaitingforSummer77 you’re very right, life nowadays is very hectic. I know they will have their own lives/ projects/ etc going on but I do find myself becoming quite down and negative about the friendships when I realise the lack of effort made. Guess that is just life these days though, as @BerriesandLeaves has posted. I’ve made some lovely friends since having baby, and have other friendships though not as long-standing, so I would maybe be better focussing what time I have on those, for now at least. Thank you!

@fullbloom87 try the majority of the week for full days, and not working whilst kids are at nursery. As I said, probably my naivety in thinking there is five minutes here or there to send a quick reply as I don’t know what it’s like to have two. I do know what it’s like to work full time in a pretty full on job and still and manage to make time for friendships.
No, not at all. The last few messages although sporadic have been along the lines of them suggesting options for meet ups, I then respond advising best day/ time for me, and I don’t hear back til after the suggested date has passed. Bit of a weird way to go around it if they’re feeling pressured surely.

I can totally understand you being disappointed by this.

I'd drop your expectations of them. Are you meeting new people through baby groups etc?

I totally understand why you are upset OP but I remember how busy I was with my two when they were little. It was much easier to meet up with friends who had children at similar ages. Also sometimes friends just move on, even good friends, when your lives are different. Some people have come in and others gone out of our lives over the years.

OP they’re not interested, leave it for them to arrange a catch up and if they don’t let the friendship fade.

A lot of excuses are made when it comes to these things about people being too busy with their families but my experience has been totally different…I am childfree and my friends with kids at nursery and primary school all reply to me promptly -usually within a couple of days and nearly every single one of them has 2 kids, some have 3 or 4.

They sometimes arrange meet ups and at other times I do. Some of them also work full-time. They also still make it to my birthdays, celebration meals etc and I’m child free btw. I expect they see their friends with kids at least as much, maybe even more.

The ones that never have time for friends are the same ones who will moan they don’t have friends in X years.

And perhaps my friendship groups/social circles are different in that both childfree and parents do enjoy interacting with friends babies & toddlers so they’re happy to meet up with their friends no matter what age their kids are or even if they don’t have kids.

Unless i’m doing an evening meal or something my friends kids are always welcome to social events like if I invite them to lunch at mine as long as they let me know in advance so I know who to cook for . I’m always surprised at people who say “other peoples kids aren’t interesting” especially when they’re parents.
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My attitude is so far removed from that perhaps that’s why 3 friends asked me to he their kids godmother though and one even wrote me as guardian in her will.

the more I read on mumsnet i am very fortunate to have the mum-friends I do.

You have only one child and you wish to catch up.
Next time a friend suggests a time or place, pack a picnic and baby bag and head off to meet them, pronto.

Meeting just one friend at a time will work best.
Plan a catch up for more friends a long time in advance. Ask everyone to mark the date and park/pool/cafe on the calender. Hopefully one or two will end up being able to meet. Children become ill, families have unexpected meltdowns etc. It is harder to keep appointments.

Also plan to ask new friends you meet at baby library time etc out for coffee afterwards. Your new friends will be sharing in your day today life because they live in the same street, have a baby the same age etc.

@fullbloom87 "My children are way older but I still don't have time for friends. I'm too busy being a mum and wife."
I honestly think you need to reassess things a bit-friends are important. And how does being a wife take up time?

One of my closest friends has two children now. Of course our friendship has changed and is very much centred around the demands on her while the children are so young, but I'm glad she didn't cut me out of her life like that.

Agree with both of you but a lot of people on Mumsnet have this attitude. Not so much re. Wife but about being a mum.

I guess to each their own but I’m glad my close friends with kids aren’t like this because if they were I’d tell them where to go if they tried to blithely pick up the friendship again when their kids are in high school after several years of silence!

All my mum friends (I don’t have kids but I’m using that term to describe those who do lol) value friendships. I assume people who drop all their mates didn’t have close friends/much of an enjoyable social life to begin with so it’s fair enough I guess.

I think it's awful if people use having kids as an excuse to never text, call or meet up. Friends are so important in life they are worth making the effort for. Of course life gets busy - my group of close friends and I book our nights out months in advance as it's the only way - but there's always a way to make it work!

OP I'm sorry your friends are being a bit rubbish. Some people get all consumed by parenthood and lose themselves a bit. Some people get a bit martyr-y and think they are better parents because they are sacrificing their own lives for their children. Having children changes friendships and not always for the better. Keep communication lines open with your friends but be prepared that they might have fallen into Busy Mum mode (and they will say you with just one baby couldn't POSSIBLY understand their busy lives!) and you may need to find new friends. Are you going to baby groups etc? One of my very best friends I met at a local baby group.

Flippin heck, I worked full time after less than 6 months maternity leave with my two.
I managed nights out, days out and keeping up socially with friends.
I was never interested in just being 'a mum and a wife' though as a previous poster mentions.
@Morecoffeetweak I would be looking for new friends. Kids are not so all encompassing that it takes a week to reply to a message from a friend, especially if the kids are at nursery and you are not working!

I’ve been in both shoes. When I had babies/toddlers at home I was desperate for connection and adult company. I felt really upset that my friend’s seemed to too busy or would put a lot of weight on a plan to see someone and then they would cancel.
When my children started school or nursery, I was amazed at how busy it felt, how overwhelmed I felt with the huge amounts of communication and mental load. I’d see a message and then mean to reply but a bazillion and one other things would happen first.

It’s good whichever stage you are at to have empathy with the other one.

I work almost full time now and actually feel like I somehow have more time to respond to messages than I did when I was a stay at home mum, but perhaps that’s just age of my children.

Exactly!

You do have time for friends if you want to make it.