To be p***ed off friends don’t seem interested?

[Morecoffeetweak]

Hello, first post so please go easy on sleep-deprived FTM!

As above really - long term ‘best’ friends who also have kids don’t seem interested in maintaining a decent friendship anymore. Neither work, whilst I’m on maternity leave, yet they claim to be so busy with kids (who go to nursery/ school) that they can’t even respond to messages and often leave me on read for a week, if they reply at all. We’ve never been ones for regular meet ups either, life getting in the way, but both have only met my baby once and she’s now 8 months old.

I get that the jump from one to two kids can be a lot, but surely if children attend nursery and you don’t work, you can find the time to maintain friendships, or am I expecting too much?

There hasn’t been any fall-out/ bad blood/ nastiness which is why I’m asking as I’m sick of becoming wound up by this yet afraid I’m being an unreasonable and naive mother of one, expecting too much.

For me, the early years as a mum, or the first 10 or so, were mostly making mum friends with people who had similar ages as it was very boring for my kids when they couldn’t be distracted by “friends” which made my friendships tricky.

@GardeningIdiot @Mothership4two @Oatycookies thank you. Yes thankfully I’ve made some really lovely friends through baby classes and groups, whom I see regularly, and also some child-free friends who although busy with work etc, do seem interested. I think your suggestions of dropping the expectation of them and letting the friendship fizzle at least for a bit is probably the best for me right now. I’m becoming increasingly frustrated at myself for caring so much when I have a child, partner and other things in life I could devote my time to!
@Oatycookies your attitude was very much my attitude before I had my child, and I think I’m finding the situation so upsetting because I know I’d never act like that. But people are people and will let you down I guess.

@user1492757084 thats exactly what I have been doing and each time I’m let down, and to be honest I don’t agree with dragging myself and baby to see them when they are child free that day due to nursery! Again, a case of I wouldn’t do it so why do I have to put up with that kind of thing.

@CurlewKate @ilovesooty @Oatycookies I would agree here. We’re all guilty of letting aspects of like/ friendship slide at times but I’ve been thinking that these friends if they let friendships drop to the back burner will only have families growing up/ potential careers to go back to, and what happens when the kids are grown up and the husband has his own friendships/ hobbies to focus on, or worse, the relationship breaks down? These friends would have no support group to rely on for help and
I don’t see that as being a good way to live.

@NorthWestThree @AlmostTotallyFake @Offyoupoplove thank you, I do think I’m seen as not understanding their plight of two kids which is why I’ve posted asking for advice, as I’m no idiot, I understand completely but don’t agree with their lack of effort. As you’ve said if they want to surely they could make time, as I do.

I think the advice to keep the lines of communication open but not stress myself out over this is key, and if it takes years for them to check back in to a proper friendship we can see where we’re at.

Thank you so much everyone, it’s reassuring to hear others would feel as frustrated and have done before. All fantastic suggestions too and I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. 😊

I have small children who are at nursery part time/primary school

sometimes I swear I haven’t got time for a shower and a cup of tea let alone socialising with a friend on mat leave who inevitable y will only be free at a time that doesn’t fir my schedule… it’s not just the school run. It’s after school clubs/groups/cleaning/washing/PTA meeting/parents evenings…..

maybe im too laid back but I always appreciate that people have their own lives and would never expect friends to be that interested in my child

I was ASTONISHED how big the jump is from one to 2/3+ children is. It’s insane.

I went from instagram mum floating around loving life to that insane frazzled mum who is close to crying most days

Honestly some days I Would love to go back to being a FTM, as much as I adore all my children

cut your friends some slack

@CarmelfromNorthernRoundup as I’ve said it’s not just meeting up though, it’s taking ages to respond to even a quick message, if at all. I also don’t expect them
to be ‘that interested in my child’, but I stated how often they had seen her to show the context of how little I see or hear from them.
I’m very laid back myself hence why I’ve put up with this situation for years now - it’s not only since I’ve had a baby - but I can’t believe people can’t find a few moments to check in. Are you really too busy to even send a message to check in with friends when your children are at nursery or school? Even when friends are going through life changes and could do with the friends they supported through their own life changes showing them the same? I completely applaud mums of multiple children but surely maintaining friendships, a text here and there, is more important than cleaning?

I literally sometimes write “reply to so and so” on my to do list so 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

I can’t always gather my thoughts to reply there and then, by the time i would have got round to it it’s sometimes forgotten

you are also saying “when your children are at nursery or school” maybe your friends swan around doing what they like, I don’t know. I guess then they could. And some people just aren’t attached to their phones. Honestly the only people that get “priority replies” are my DH and mum

but by the time I’ve got home from school/nursery runs and fed the baby again it’s 11 and then that’s not many hours until I have to leave again at 2 for pick up at 3, never mind if I need to go to the post office or the bank or a hospital appointment…

sometimes I don’t have the time and sometimes like today I’ve done what I need to, the kids are asleep and I have time to reply to messages and talk about nonsense on mumsnet. My friends don’t take it personally