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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my friend I'm not that interested in religion?

50 replies

Isisavisloren · 13/08/2023 22:40

I have a Christian friend who is heavily religious and church makes up most of her week in some manner. I respect this, she has always wanted to get me into church since I've known her.
I've attended a very local church 3 or 4 times with her this year, I enjoyed a lot of things about it, the community feel, the messages that were being presented. Unfortunately realised that it's a very 'happy clappy' church, many people around me singing and praying with their arms in the air, I am not really into the atmosphere. In addition, I'd say I have Christian values but ultimately I cannot commit myself to being a Christian.
My friend unfortunately thinks I am just now heavily committed and has been given me books, sending me almost daily prayers, songs, worship, trying to get me to attend more events with her.
I know she means well but I do not want to be sent daily prayers and hymns from her. I do not pray and I am not interested in them. She keeps sending me bible extracts and other reading material.
I sound harsh but I haven't asked her to send me anything nor encouraged her to. I feel like it's being pushed on me and she is very evangelical.
I appreciate her friendship and I don't know how to tell her. I do enjoy aspects of the church and I'm happy to attend sometimes but unfortunately I am not a Christian. Is it wrong of me to attend in this situation?

OP posts:
Beezknees · 13/08/2023 22:44

Just tell her.

I think it's unreasonable of her to want to "get you into church" to be honest. My best friend is Christian and I am atheist, he respects my beliefs and wouldn't ask me to attend church, just as I respect his beliefs.

Original poster
Isisavisloren · 13/08/2023 22:46

I should, I don't want to lose the friendship as she's one of the very few close friends I have.
I suppose if she were a true friend she would understand.
It's just suffocating being sent things constantly. She doesn't realise that I can attend now and again and not have to be completely devoting my life to it like she is.

OP posts:
Beezknees · 13/08/2023 22:49

You said it yourself. If she's a true friend to you she'll respect your wishes. If it's a deal breaker for her she's not a friend. Say you're happy to attend occasionally but don't want to get too heavily invested.

ThreeLittleDots · 13/08/2023 22:55

You've given her false hope. You need to make it clear that you are not, and will never be a Christian. She's just excited.

ThreeLittleDots · 13/08/2023 22:57

My so-called Christian friends dropped me like a hot potato when they realised the scales had fallen from my eyes, btw. Same kind of church. Told me 'the enemy' had won.

ThreeLittleDots · 13/08/2023 22:57

I didn't need to be friends with cultists so no loss really.

Original poster
Isisavisloren · 13/08/2023 22:59

I'm sorry to hear that. Their loss.
Surely she can understand that it's not an all or nothing approach. I like to think you can still gain something from attending church, but without having to devote your entire existence to it.
I just need to gain the courage.

OP posts:
Circumferences · 13/08/2023 23:00

You're going to have to put your big girl pants on I'm afraid 😜
Try something along the lines of:

"I have really appreciated your spiritual wisdom and inspirational messages over recent months. I do enjoy attending the church with you and appreciate the social element of being involved with the church from time to time.
Unfortunately I am not in a place where I want to fully emmerse myself in religious texts or prayers on a regular basis. I hope you understand."

Something like that?

ThreeLittleDots · 13/08/2023 23:03

Unfortunately evangelists tend to think in black & white terms, so be prepared for that I guess.

Original poster
Isisavisloren · 13/08/2023 23:04

Thank you, that's a good message.

Oh no :(

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 13/08/2023 23:04

I found it offensive knowing that my friends were praying for me to see "the truth" because they had no respect for my atheism, personally.

Crucible · 13/08/2023 23:05

I'd be more firm:

Hello friend. I know I've attended church a few times, but ultimately I'm not a believer. For the sake of our friendship and your time, I want to be clear. I know you are devout, and it was nice to share in this with you briefly and I feel I know you better because of this, but I am an atheist. Let's meet soon. Love....

If this isn't enough, it's going to be one 8f those things that might divide you.

WandaWonder · 13/08/2023 23:06

ThreeLittleDots · 13/08/2023 22:55

You've given her false hope. You need to make it clear that you are not, and will never be a Christian. She's just excited.

Surely as an adult she can engage her brain enough to realise?

TheJRTwontLetMeBe · 13/08/2023 23:07

You say you respect her beliefs, well she obviously doesn't respect yours. I don't have a religious faith but one of my closest friends has a very strong christian faith - she respects my non faith and I respect her christian faith.

Be honest with your friend and explain you find the constant prayer, readings etc a bit disrespectful.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 13/08/2023 23:13

I'd say something along the lines of 'Hi sue, when we first met, I thought that by going to church with you occasionally it would help me get to know and understand more about the religious side of your life, and while I have enjoyed the social aspect of church, chatting to your friends etc., I've realised that religion really isn't my thing, so for future reference, please don't send me any more literature, tell me that you're saying prayers for me etc., as it makes me feel really uncomfortable. I hope that you will respect my feelings, as I have always respected yours'.

If she continues after that, then I think you'll just have to cool the relationship. Hope it works out OK.

KrisAkabusi · 13/08/2023 23:21

You say you respect her beliefs, well she obviously doesn't respect yours

The OP is going to the church and hasn't told her friend she's only going for the company! Her beliefs are not being disrespected because the friend still thinks the OP believes as much as she dies! The friend has done absolutely nothing wrong.

RampantIvy · 13/08/2023 23:24

Circumferences · 13/08/2023 23:00

You're going to have to put your big girl pants on I'm afraid 😜
Try something along the lines of:

"I have really appreciated your spiritual wisdom and inspirational messages over recent months. I do enjoy attending the church with you and appreciate the social element of being involved with the church from time to time.
Unfortunately I am not in a place where I want to fully emmerse myself in religious texts or prayers on a regular basis. I hope you understand."

Something like that?

This ^^ is a perfect answer.

TheJRTwontLetMeBe · 13/08/2023 23:27

KrisAkabusi · 13/08/2023 23:21

You say you respect her beliefs, well she obviously doesn't respect yours

The OP is going to the church and hasn't told her friend she's only going for the company! Her beliefs are not being disrespected because the friend still thinks the OP believes as much as she dies! The friend has done absolutely nothing wrong.

Actually, that's a fair point. OP needs to be honest about her level of interest/commitment. It's a shame there aren't more humanist groups for those who like the feeling of community, charity and friendship, without the faith aspect.

Inkypot · 13/08/2023 23:33

It doesn't sound like you're atheist, if I'm hearing you correctly. You seem perhaps more agnostic than atheist. Atheism is to be actively opposed to any theology. Agnostic is where you think there might be something but you don't know what and are quite content not following a specific faith although may share and display many similar values to some faiths.
I myself am Catholic and I love it. My best friends are a mix of other Catholics, agnostics, Protestants of many different denominations, and Pagan.
It is possible for me to love and accept my friends even if they are not open to Catholicism themselves. I still love them.
Talk to your friend, at its heart Christianity is about love. So if she is your friend she will love you regardless, she may be disheartened which is her prerogative, but it shouldn't end the friendship. All the best.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/08/2023 23:37

Op, if you can't be honest with her, she was never your friend in the first place.

I'll be blunt though. Her type tend to disappear quickly once they know they won't be able to convert you. You either think like she does or she's not interested.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 13/08/2023 23:38

Atheism is to be actively opposed to any theology

No it is not.

Atheism is denial of the existence of deities. Opposition to theology is Anti-theism.

Agnostic is where you think there might be something but you don't know what and are quite content not following a specific faith although may share and display many similar values to some faiths

Also incorrect.

Agnosticism describes someone who neither discounts the existence of deities, nor adheres to any from of religious belief, including those who consider the question of deity unknowable.

monsteramunch · 13/08/2023 23:42

Atheism is to be actively opposed to any theology.

No it's not. It's to actively not believe, not to be opposed to beliefs. For example people who aren't vegan simply don't themselves actively follow veganism. It doesn't mean they necessarily are anti vegan.

Agnostic is where you think there might be something but you don't know what and are quite content not following a specific faith although may share and display many similar values to some faiths.

Nope. Agnostics believe it's not possible to know one way or another if there is a god, they don't necessarily lean towards either possibility.

MasterBeth · 13/08/2023 23:46

Inkypot · 13/08/2023 23:33

It doesn't sound like you're atheist, if I'm hearing you correctly. You seem perhaps more agnostic than atheist. Atheism is to be actively opposed to any theology. Agnostic is where you think there might be something but you don't know what and are quite content not following a specific faith although may share and display many similar values to some faiths.
I myself am Catholic and I love it. My best friends are a mix of other Catholics, agnostics, Protestants of many different denominations, and Pagan.
It is possible for me to love and accept my friends even if they are not open to Catholicism themselves. I still love them.
Talk to your friend, at its heart Christianity is about love. So if she is your friend she will love you regardless, she may be disheartened which is her prerogative, but it shouldn't end the friendship. All the best.

You have a misunderstanding about atheism. Atheists don’t have to be actively opposed to anything. They simply are not convinced that there is any truth to the supernatural claims made by religions about the existence of God.

Inkypot · 13/08/2023 23:48

monsteramunch · 13/08/2023 23:42

Atheism is to be actively opposed to any theology.

No it's not. It's to actively not believe, not to be opposed to beliefs. For example people who aren't vegan simply don't themselves actively follow veganism. It doesn't mean they necessarily are anti vegan.

Agnostic is where you think there might be something but you don't know what and are quite content not following a specific faith although may share and display many similar values to some faiths.

Nope. Agnostics believe it's not possible to know one way or another if there is a god, they don't necessarily lean towards either possibility.

That's probably a more accurate wording, thank you. I can only speak from my experience of the many agnostics I know who all identify in the way I described. But I can see your point that it's not as nuanced as that so I appreciate the correction.
In terms of the atheism bit, I think I've maybe not worded it the way I'm meaning so apologies on that. I mean as in your views would be opposed to theology rather than having an active disallowing of any theology. Feel like I've just explained that even more confusingly but hope you can see what I meant.
I really do appreciate your detail and correction. Every day is indeed a school day so thanks for the information. You have taught me something new 😊

Inkypot · 13/08/2023 23:50

@MasterBeth thank you, as I've said in my reply to @monsteramunch I see what you mean and thanks both of you for informing me in a way that was constructive and helpful 😊