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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my friend I'm not that interested in religion?

50 replies

Isisavisloren · 13/08/2023 22:40

I have a Christian friend who is heavily religious and church makes up most of her week in some manner. I respect this, she has always wanted to get me into church since I've known her.
I've attended a very local church 3 or 4 times with her this year, I enjoyed a lot of things about it, the community feel, the messages that were being presented. Unfortunately realised that it's a very 'happy clappy' church, many people around me singing and praying with their arms in the air, I am not really into the atmosphere. In addition, I'd say I have Christian values but ultimately I cannot commit myself to being a Christian.
My friend unfortunately thinks I am just now heavily committed and has been given me books, sending me almost daily prayers, songs, worship, trying to get me to attend more events with her.
I know she means well but I do not want to be sent daily prayers and hymns from her. I do not pray and I am not interested in them. She keeps sending me bible extracts and other reading material.
I sound harsh but I haven't asked her to send me anything nor encouraged her to. I feel like it's being pushed on me and she is very evangelical.
I appreciate her friendship and I don't know how to tell her. I do enjoy aspects of the church and I'm happy to attend sometimes but unfortunately I am not a Christian. Is it wrong of me to attend in this situation?

OP posts:

MasterBeth · 13/08/2023 23:51

Inkypot · 13/08/2023 23:48

That's probably a more accurate wording, thank you. I can only speak from my experience of the many agnostics I know who all identify in the way I described. But I can see your point that it's not as nuanced as that so I appreciate the correction.
In terms of the atheism bit, I think I've maybe not worded it the way I'm meaning so apologies on that. I mean as in your views would be opposed to theology rather than having an active disallowing of any theology. Feel like I've just explained that even more confusingly but hope you can see what I meant.
I really do appreciate your detail and correction. Every day is indeed a school day so thanks for the information. You have taught me something new 😊

Show quote history

You don’t have to be “opposed” to theology as an atheist. You just haven’t been convinced by its arguments.

Inkypot · 13/08/2023 23:52

@MasterBeth I get what you mean, and I hope I haven't caused any offence. Really wouldn't be my intention.

monsteramunch · 13/08/2023 23:59

Thanks @Inkypot nice to have someone respond kindly and thoughtfully about stuff like this!

RampantIvy · 14/08/2023 00:06

Some atheists I know are extremely anti any kind of religion and are very rude about people who have a faith.

monsteramunch · 14/08/2023 00:13

RampantIvy · 14/08/2023 00:06

Some atheists I know are extremely anti any kind of religion and are very rude about people who have a faith.

Some religious people I have known tell atheists they are sinful, unable to be thoroughly good if they don't believe, and will suffer eternal damnation.

There are dickheads on either 'side' of this.

SmallTreeDeepRoots · 14/08/2023 00:14

Unfortunately some evangelical churches encourage members to befriend those who are in need of friendship as “soft targets”. Finding an accepting community can mean folk stay in a church and try to outwardly fit in rather than lose the supportive network they have found. If your friend drops you because you don’t want to commit to her faith group, then it may have been more of a recruitment than a relationship. Some evangelical churches are intensely preoccupied with growth and “bums on pews”.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 14/08/2023 00:18

RampantIvy · 14/08/2023 00:06

Some atheists I know are extremely anti any kind of religion and are very rude about people who have a faith.

That'll be because being atheist is almost a prerequisite for being anti-theist, so you're encountering anti-theists who also happen to be atheist. There are plenty of atheists who believe in secularity, but are not anti-theist in the slightest.

I suppose you could argue that all religion is ultimately to the detriment of humanity and still adhere to a religion yourself, but I've never encountered a single soul who inhabits that space. It would be a bit at odds with the fact that humans tend to gravitate towards belief systems that bring them happiness and contentment.

saraclara · 14/08/2023 00:22

Not all evangelists are the same.

My late husband's side of the family are evangelical Christians (he wasn't, I'm talking aunts, uncles and cousins and there are/were a LOT of them). We've always been cost to them and I still am. They know I'm not, they know that one of my daughters is very strongly atheist, and they've never once said anything about it at all. I love them and they love us.

Their religion is really important to them, but not one of them has done anything other than leave me alone with my own beliefs or lack of them.

OP, you have to trust your friend to behave likewise if she's a genuinely good person.
There are different types of faith and she should respect yours as you respect hers. So just tell her.

saraclara · 14/08/2023 00:22

Cost= close

chicjen · 14/08/2023 00:25

Aquamarine1029 · 13/08/2023 23:37

Op, if you can't be honest with her, she was never your friend in the first place.

I'll be blunt though. Her type tend to disappear quickly once they know they won't be able to convert you. You either think like she does or she's not interested.

I had a friend like that.
I grew up agnostic and as an adult I got close with a girl in my work. She was a devout follower of the Free Church of Scotland. Very, very devout.
She would have deep theological discussions with me for hours and I found it interesting learning about her faith and her views.
She sparked an interest for me and I ended up spending the next few years really delving into deepening my own understanding of faiths and looking into what I felt aligned with my own beliefs and experiences. I realised I kept matching up with the Catholic faith.

I will never forget my friend's face when I told her I'd decided I wanted to be baptised. She interrupted me before I could give any detail and clearly she was very excited at the thought of me joining her. Her face completely fell when she realised I meant I wanted to be baptised into the Catholic Church and not the Free Church (which is Protestant in case anyone isn't aware).
As you've described, she has since cut contact with me and moved on to attempting to convert another colleague to her church. It's a shame because I thought we had a lovely friendship and I'd thought there was more to our friendship than just the religious part.

Catsmere · 14/08/2023 01:33

WandaWonder · 13/08/2023 23:06

Surely as an adult she can engage her brain enough to realise?

Show quote history

I wouldn't bet on it, if she's a gung-ho member of that sort of church!

OCaptain · 14/08/2023 01:42

She is likely seeing it as a Christian duty to 'harvest' you. In certain denominations, all Christians have a quota of people they have converted to Christ in a particular period. If you have shown willingness by actually going to services, that would have certainly encouraged her.

From here, simply don't participate in services or anything associated with church. When she asks about your absence, tell her quite honestly that active Christianity isn't for you, but you appreciate her guidance.

Vegetus · 14/08/2023 05:17

Evangelicals gonna Evangelise.

nonheme · 14/08/2023 05:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

NorthWestThree · 14/08/2023 05:58

The problem with the evangelicals is they believe anyone who isn't one of them is going to hell when they die. Imagine actually believing that - that everyone you know and love who doesn't follow your exact brand of Christianity is going to suffer eternal torment. I think I'd be weirdly offended if a close friend who believed that about me didn't throw everything at trying to "save" me!

Imagine you knew a disaster was on its way to destroy everyone and everything around you, wouldn't you do all in your power to get everyone out of their houses and to safety? Even if they didn't believe you that it was coming? If your friend is truly devout to the fundamental faith then that's where she is at with you right now! You are going to have to be very firm and clear with your boundaries and tell her to stop. Otherwise she will just keep trying! But the friendship may not survive, sadly.

Justhereforaibu1 · 14/08/2023 06:01

I was in a very similar situation. I didn't actively do anything, I just ignored all the stuff and do go to the church occasionally on special events. I am baptised into another religion though maybe that makes a difference. We are still great friends, just don't talk about the church much and they don't push it

user1492757084 · 14/08/2023 06:25

Your friend appreciates truth - so just be honest.
Tell her you like to attend some functions with her but you are not a Christian and you hope that she doesn't take offence nor want to sever the friendship.
Hand anything she gives you back again if you honestly know you do not wish to take it home.

She would be mortified if she were offending you so you need to be honest.

Beezknees · 14/08/2023 07:03

RampantIvy · 14/08/2023 00:06

Some atheists I know are extremely anti any kind of religion and are very rude about people who have a faith.

Some are. I don't care what others choose to believe but if they're trying to use their beliefs to tell other people what to do it's an issue.

My best friend is a progressive Christian. We never really discuss religion unless we're talking about our day and he says he's been to church or something. I completely respect his beliefs.

TerrorAustralis · 14/08/2023 07:04

NorthWestThree · 14/08/2023 05:58

It really is this with evangelical churches. They truly believe that your eternal soul is in danger.

The other side to the coin is that the churches actively encourage their members to recruit new people.

My son has made friends with a boy whose family belong to an evangelical church. DS has gone to youth group with him a few times and because I needed to give my contact details, I ended up on their email mailing list. There is frequent encouragement to bring friends and get new people to come along. It seems that the recruitment of new souls to save is a big part of what they do.

lovemelongtime · 14/08/2023 07:07

Circumferences · 13/08/2023 23:00

You're going to have to put your big girl pants on I'm afraid 😜
Try something along the lines of:

"I have really appreciated your spiritual wisdom and inspirational messages over recent months. I do enjoy attending the church with you and appreciate the social element of being involved with the church from time to time.
Unfortunately I am not in a place where I want to fully emmerse myself in religious texts or prayers on a regular basis. I hope you understand."

Something like that?

Brilliant 👍

Duchessofspace · 14/08/2023 07:21

UpaladderwatchingTV · 13/08/2023 23:13

I'd say something along the lines of 'Hi sue, when we first met, I thought that by going to church with you occasionally it would help me get to know and understand more about the religious side of your life, and while I have enjoyed the social aspect of church, chatting to your friends etc., I've realised that religion really isn't my thing, so for future reference, please don't send me any more literature, tell me that you're saying prayers for me etc., as it makes me feel really uncomfortable. I hope that you will respect my feelings, as I have always respected yours'.

If she continues after that, then I think you'll just have to cool the relationship. Hope it works out OK.

This.

I speak as a Christian who respects every faith and atheism

Shurleyknot · 14/08/2023 12:19

I think this friendship is dead in the water. God botherers (sorry!) of this magnitude will not change their minds and will only continue to try and brainwash you into joining their cult. I am clearly atheist and cannot bear any kind of religion but I respect my religious friends (catholic and jehovah) views and they respect the fact religion is nothing we discuss. It is the only way our friendship works but I do not think this friend of yours does respect your views and she probably never will at this point.

zoomingale · 14/08/2023 16:01

Just tell her you're not interested. If she can't respect that, she's not your friend.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/08/2023 20:52

KrisAkabusi · 13/08/2023 23:21

You say you respect her beliefs, well she obviously doesn't respect yours

The OP is going to the church and hasn't told her friend she's only going for the company! Her beliefs are not being disrespected because the friend still thinks the OP believes as much as she dies! The friend has done absolutely nothing wrong.

Yes you should try and chat to the friend before complaining about he

Errolwasahero · 14/08/2023 21:34

@NorthWestThree i was going to say much the same. People in this belief system really believe that anyone who isn’t in it with them is destined for eternal damnation and needs saving. They believe that the people close to them need their input and to be ‘saved’or they will go to hell. It comes from a place of love and fear but ultimately she needs to hear you and accept that a) not everyone believes this and b) it has to be your decision anyway.

as previous posters have said, unfortunately often when you make it clear you’re past ‘saving’ they turn away from you as ‘lost’. Hopefully your friend will be able to respect your choices.

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