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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If an adult tells you they have between 20-30 close friends…

60 replies

Nosleepforthismum · 13/08/2023 22:33

AIBU to think wtf and how can that be true?? I even asked if some were more acquaintances but no, insisted that all 20/30 of them are really close and talk all the time.

Guy in question is 25 with no kids but even so, it must be bullshit surely? How many close friends do you all have? I have three at the grand age of 33 and I figured that was pretty good going!

YANBU - clearly a liar liar pants on fire type of bloke. No one has that many friends once you’ve left school.

YABU - 30 friends is very normal in your 20’s.

OP posts:

KenIsAnAccessory · 13/08/2023 22:35

He doesn't understand what a close friend is. Not necessarily a liar, perhaps a bit socially challenged?

LindorDoubleChoc · 13/08/2023 22:36

I would assume he is deluded.

withgraceinmyheart · 13/08/2023 22:39

I probably have around that many. I dont have any living family though apart from dh and dc. I also don’t have much of career and only work a couple of days a week. I put a lot of time into my friendships because they mean a lot to me.

I wouldn’t say it’s normal though, and I don’t think everyone wants that many. Most people I know have a couple of close friends and they’re happy with that.

People are different, and have different amounts of space in their lives for friends.

Circumferences · 13/08/2023 22:40

I read somewhere that five close friends is the perfect amount (in adulthood).
The other people you're close to will be siblings, cousins, in-laws etc. It's normal to have many other friends who aren't close friends.

Is your friend confusing relatives and neighbours and non-close friends, with close friends?

CockneySignora · 13/08/2023 22:40

If ‘talking all the time’ is his definition of close, then sure, not hard.

NooNaNa · 13/08/2023 22:40

Semantics.

withgraceinmyheart · 13/08/2023 22:42

Circumferences · 13/08/2023 22:40

Is your friend confusing relatives and neighbours and non-close friends, with close friends?

What if you don’t have siblings, cousins etc though? Wouldn’t you make more friends to fill those gaps?

NancyJoan · 13/08/2023 22:42

Even if you saw someone socially every single day, you’d only see each of them once a month, which doesn’t sound particularly close to me.

AgentProvocateur · 13/08/2023 22:43

I’ve got about 20 close friends (friends that would go on holiday with or who I could call in the middle of the night) but I don’t have any cousins and only one sibling. I’m also older and have nurtured my close friendships for many years.

withgraceinmyheart · 13/08/2023 22:48

NancyJoan · 13/08/2023 22:42

Even if you saw someone socially every single day, you’d only see each of them once a month, which doesn’t sound particularly close to me.

I do see people socially more days than not, but not every day. I have lots of friends that I see in a group of 3/4 regularly and 1 to 1 less often. I have two friends I do walk to school with pretty much every day. My oldest friend lives 2 hours away so I don’t see her that often at all. Still close.

It really isn’t about how often you see each other imo.

Honestlyy · 13/08/2023 22:49

I can believe someone could have 30 friends but not that they'd be close to every single one of them. Perhaps some people view people who are more acquaintances as friends.

Firefighter22 · 13/08/2023 22:52

I really think it depends what your definition of a close friend is. That might be different for different people. Certainly my definition would mean 20 would be too many to have that bond, trust, mutual support and honesty with for me.

Frogmila · 13/08/2023 22:53

Im not a big numbers of friends person but don't think its unusual.

Some folk are 'collectors of people' and have a knack and a preference for making new friends as they go and retaining them. One of my close friends is like this. I've no idea how many other close friends she has (lives overseas) but it's many more than me.

People are just different.

Some people have huge groups (I have personally found this quite a posh person thing, big tribes to go to festivals etc with, joined up networks from school and uni mostly).

Someone his age may just have a lot of mates left over from school/uni/ college/ work who may fall by the wayside eventually but for now have going out etc in common. He may just be good at keeping in touch or have a different idea of what constitutes a close friend.

BranchGold · 13/08/2023 22:59

I think men and women can have a different context of friendship. Most men I know socialise in groups, be that school/uni mates, team sports, work groups, pub mates etc. that will instantly rack numbers up.

A man who plays rugby competitively twice a week could say he has 15+ close friends. Throw in work pals, childhood friends and it’s quite easy to get to 25/30.

Bellyblueboy · 13/08/2023 23:10

depends on your definition of close friend.

to me a close friend is someone you who knows all about your personal
life, who knows your family, who has spent quite a bit of time on your home and vice Versa. A close friend would visit you in hospital, could ring for a favour, would know the names of your closest work colleagues and would keep your secrets.

I have three close friends - and my best friend is my sister.

I probably would have time for one or two more close friends but that’s it.

Batalax · 13/08/2023 23:14

I have 14 that I could call on any time if the day. Some I might not see for months as they live far away but when we do meet up it’s as if we are never apart. We know each others inner thoughts and celebrate our highs and commiserate our lows. I consider myself very lucky.

Magenta65 · 13/08/2023 23:18

one of my best friends is similar, never ending string of friends, all ‘close’ buts it all surface level stuff. None of them actually know the ins and outs of her life like jy friendship circle does but we’re the ones thought less of. No one can maintain that many close relationships

UsingChangeofName · 13/08/2023 23:20

Neither of your choices.

I mean, I don't think it is that common to have that many close friends, but I do know that plenty of people do.

There is some level of semantics in the definition of close friends, but if you think about a lad that plays in a football team with a group of mates who have known each other for several years. They see each other twice a week just for training and matches (not counting other occasions) and they usually go for a drink after both. That would be 15 - 20 there in one.

Typz · 13/08/2023 23:36

If he’s in a rugby team that play and drink together every weekend and holiday together then maybe?

Otherwise no is nonsense

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 13/08/2023 23:43

I have zero. Yay me !

continentallentil · 13/08/2023 23:46

Well they aren’t all close friends but they could be fun going out friends.

ClaraBourne · 14/08/2023 03:09

I know somebody that says that!

Does his name begin with J😂

Oblomov23 · 14/08/2023 03:14

Realistically there's not enough hours in the day to maintain really close relationships with more than say about 5 people. Some might say they have 10 people who they could call ok in the middle of the night, but that's not the same thing.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 14/08/2023 03:23

I have 8 people I consider my best friends. People I love to death and would do anything for.

HmmOk · 14/08/2023 03:27

Wow it sounds like my idea of hell and I like people!

Just think of how much energy you would have to expend into each of those friendships, even if you rotate them, to maintain "closeness" - however I do realise that everyone has a different definition of closeness, so for some it won't be that difficult.

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