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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find sex except with partners I REALLY find attractive disgusting?

36 replies

ForestGoblin · 13/08/2023 21:18

I've probably only met one man in my life I enjoy sex with. Very lucky for me that he was up for it! If he left me or dies first I suspect I'll never have sex again because most guys give me the ick. Shuddering at the memory of well meaning guys optimistically suggesting it and making me want to scrub their kisses off my body with wire wool.

Do feel glad to have enjoyed it at least some in my life!

OP posts:
NewYorkFirstTimer · 13/08/2023 21:23

Same. I used to love it in my 20s but now for a number of reasons it mostly repulses me. When I imagine not having sex ever again (single, remaining so) I just feel relief that I don't have to put out.

PermanentTemporary · 13/08/2023 21:25

Thats not how I operate. I think sex is such a pure thing that all sorts of otherwise unattractive people become wonderful when in that special space.

It doesn't mean I want to talk to them afterwards but I feel like I'm meeting them as equal humans for that time.

GladAllOver · 13/08/2023 21:27

You're absolutely entitled to restrict sex to partners who really attract you. YANBU.

10HailMarys · 13/08/2023 21:40

It isn’t at all unusual to avoid sex with men you don’t find remotely attractive, so that in itself isn’t anything exceptional at all.

What’s maybe a little bit more unusual is that you’ve only ever found one man attractive, but there’s nothing wrong with that.

Is there a chance you might actually prefer women? I only ask this because one of my friends had a very similar approach to you when it came to men, and then suddenly in her mid-40s she came to terms with the fact that the reason she didn’t want to have sex with many/any men was that she was actually a lesbian. After decades of being a supposedly straight single woman she’s now happily married to a lovely wife.

backtogrey · 13/08/2023 21:43

I don’t have sex with anyone I don’t find attractive. I don’t think that is an unusual choice.

Yerroblemom1923 · 13/08/2023 21:47

Isn't it quite normal to only have sex with people you find attractive?? I've only ever had sex with people I was attracted to at the time.

underneaththeash · 13/08/2023 21:49

This has to be one of the oddest posts ever.

honeybonbon · 13/08/2023 21:58

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

Original poster
ForestGoblin · 13/08/2023 22:00

Definitely don't prefer women just don't find many men are very appealing.

OP posts:
LylaLee · 13/08/2023 22:00

Look up 'demisexual'

Simonjt · 13/08/2023 22:07

Surely thats fairly normal? I would never have, and have never wanted to have sex with someone unless I was both attracted to them, and in a healthy and secure relationship.

janicewithpictures · 13/08/2023 22:45

My Mother and my aunts think it very strange that the way to end a pleasant evening date would routinely be a sex session.
'Have some respect for yourself' would be there opinion.

Sometimeswinning · 13/08/2023 22:53

You're obviously unreasonable and don't know what you are talking about. For all you know you have missed out on great sex because you settled too quickly.

I'm not sure what other answer you're after.

CockneySignora · 13/08/2023 23:03

janicewithpictures · 13/08/2023 22:45

My Mother and my aunts think it very strange that the way to end a pleasant evening date would routinely be a sex session.
'Have some respect for yourself' would be there opinion.

That says more about their gendered socialisation than anything else.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/08/2023 23:06

I don’t find that many people attractive- and I only want to have sex with people who I find attractive!

I always thought that it was pretty normal to only want to have sex with people you’re attracted to? Some people will obviously find more people attractive than others do though.

I have always been sceptical about the term demisexual tbh, as I think it just describes a perfectly ordinary attitude to sex - not different to or distinct from being heterosexual, homosexual etc

Original poster
ForestGoblin · 13/08/2023 23:10

I get that attraction is normal but I feel most people could enjoy quite a few different guys but I could not. Even kissing. So rarely feels right!

OP posts:
janicewithpictures · 13/08/2023 23:12

@CockneySignora "gendered socialisation", I will ask them if they have heard of that?
One of my Aunts did read some California Hippie bollocks, stuff. I will ask her opinion.
@10HailMarys I thought along the same lines as you. but OP firmly rejected that idea.

GrumpyOldCrone · 13/08/2023 23:14

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but I can’t really relate. I’ve had lots of fun sex with people I wasn’t particularly attracted to (many years ago). Not the most erotic experiences of my life, but a pleasant way to spend an evening/morning/afternoon. I felt it was a nice way to get to know people better.

2ndMrsdeWinter · 13/08/2023 23:16

I get what you’re saying OP: which is that you find very few men attractive enough to be able to shag them?

Wenfy · 13/08/2023 23:20

Men never have sex with women they aren’t attracted to, so why should we settle for less? Physical attraction is the bare minimum you should be looking for

JockTamsonsBairns · 13/08/2023 23:25

I've had amazing sex with men whom I've been attracted to emotionally, who haven't been physically attractive in the conventional sense.
I've also had sex with inordinately good looking men, which has been massively unfulfilling and quite clumsy.

I've been with DH now for over 20 years, whom I find incredibly attractive, so it's no longer a consideration for me 😂

JockTamsonsBairns · 13/08/2023 23:25

Wenfy · 13/08/2023 23:20

Men never have sex with women they aren’t attracted to, so why should we settle for less? Physical attraction is the bare minimum you should be looking for

Is this a joke?

heartofglass23 · 13/08/2023 23:28

Of course you're not going to like sex if you're doing with men you don't fancy the pants off?!?

LylaLee · 13/08/2023 23:32

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/08/2023 23:06

I don’t find that many people attractive- and I only want to have sex with people who I find attractive!

I always thought that it was pretty normal to only want to have sex with people you’re attracted to? Some people will obviously find more people attractive than others do though.

I have always been sceptical about the term demisexual tbh, as I think it just describes a perfectly ordinary attitude to sex - not different to or distinct from being heterosexual, homosexual etc

Some people can feel sexual attraction towards a stranger, someone they have never even spoken to. Other people can not feel that.

JudgeRudy · 13/08/2023 23:35

PermanentTemporary · 13/08/2023 21:25

Thats not how I operate. I think sex is such a pure thing that all sorts of otherwise unattractive people become wonderful when in that special space.

It doesn't mean I want to talk to them afterwards but I feel like I'm meeting them as equal humans for that time.

I get that. Its about connection. Most bodies feel pretty good if you're in the right head space.