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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Could you forgive this ?

74 replies

greatoutlook · 13/08/2023 18:58

New man. Getting on well and having a few dates. He is a gentleman, refined and well mannered in every way.

I've just found out that a few years ago, he was out having g dinner and drinks and got into trouble with police.

He was on medication at the time and drank alcohol. He subsequently
Got so drunk and was verbally abusive to police saying that he could get them fired if needed. He is a successful business man and socialises in business circles.

He was appalled and horrified when he awoke the next morning and told of his behaviour the night before . Rang the police with profuse apologies. He had no recollection f this and nothing before had ever happened to him like that before.
He was charged and went to court where he was fined etc. He , again apologised to the police and the courts for his acts .
I read this on line.
I do not know this man enough to make judgements but from what I've seen and heard, this was all totally out of character .
Would I be mad to pursue this?

OP posts:

Lkahsvtv · 13/08/2023 20:17

I probably would get past this but I have questionable choice in men so probably you should see this as a red flag and move on

Kedece2410 · 13/08/2023 20:19

greatoutlook · 13/08/2023 19:26

Seriously didn't like the threat to the policeman about getting him fired. Thought it was disgusting actually. is this a case of in vino Veritas?

Seriously that's one that cops get regularly. Usually from drunken idiots. It's up there with 'I pay your wages' & 'why aren't you chasing real criminals' I wouldn't overthink it. And he apologised. That's rare

Mummyofbananas · 13/08/2023 20:21

LittleAlexHornn · 13/08/2023 19:36

Once when I was very drunk (stupidly so, after an awful bereavement, during a break up, on a new medication due to insomnia -- no excuse but slight explanation) I apparently was telling people about my life on the farm, living with my sister, while working as an accountant, with my three kids.

I've never lived on a farm, I don't have a sister, my work is not even remotely related to accounting and I'm infertile.

Sometimes drunk people spout absolute crap. Especially when you add medication into the mix!

I think it's a myth that drunk people are a fountain of veracity. Fountain of bullshit, maybe.

Show quote history

someone I know told everyone he works with that he grows cannabis to make natural clothing or something like- he absolutely doesn't and was mortified the next day and has no idea he said it.

I'd leave it as that, but you'll know if you see any other signs that he's like that in his normal life. Treat it as an amber flag maybe?

Escapetofrance · 13/08/2023 20:23

If you have read that he said sorry to the police, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. I have made mistakes in the past and I don’t think they represent who I am now.

TregunaMekoides · 13/08/2023 20:23

KrisAkabusi · 13/08/2023 19:15

I think it's odd that you feel you need to forgive him. He hasn't done anything to you! He made a mistake a few years ago and learned his lesson by the sounds of it. Wouldn't concern me at all.

Agree with this.

We've all got skeletons in our closets, things we are not proud of. If we were never allowed to move on from them, how on earth can anyone ever make amends? (Very obviously, there are massive caveats to that depending on the skeleton).

It's not your wrong to forgive. And I really can't see why it would prevent you seeing him. I think this is a large overreaction on your part.

Jl2014 · 13/08/2023 20:25

I’d give him the benefit of the doubt for now and just see how it goes. Everyone makes mistakes. If you start to get a sense it wasn’t a one time thing then pull back.

Caramel102 · 13/08/2023 20:41

I think you are right to question this. Even if the bad behaviour was out of character due to the medication and alcohol, this incident revealed his true feelings of superiority to people of other professions. Perhaps he has changed and no longer has this attitude. But that is for you to assess, I personally would be reluctant to have a partner who has that sort of mentality.

Busubaba · 13/08/2023 21:14

What you found online will only be what his defence told him to say in order to get off or a lower fine etc

pimplebum · 13/08/2023 21:25

I would see this as a red flag and keep it in mind but are you perfect ? Have you not ever got drunk and said something very wanky ?

He sounds very sorry at the time and if his current behaviour is nothing like that episode then I'd move past it

ActDottie · 13/08/2023 21:25

I’d worry he’d get drunk and verbally abusive to you!

pimplebum · 13/08/2023 21:32

I'd double check it was really him

If you are not happy then end it

Coffeetree · 13/08/2023 21:38

The bit about being mortified and having no recollection and ringing to apologise--remeber that all made its way into the newspaper because that's what his legal team put out.

The truth is that there's no medication in the world that forces you to verbally abuse people. And the threats to "have them fired" make him sound classist and awful.

And he still drinks? WTF?

I couldn't get past it but I'm not the one dating him! If you really really like him, just confess you googled him and found the article and then listen very carefully to what he says. Or just dump him. Plenty of nice men out there who don't have criminal backgrounds.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 13/08/2023 21:41

I wont tell you what the first thing that comes up is if you Google my name. However it wasn't me but someone who happens to have the same name.

There is also another patient at my Dr with the same name as me. It's not even a very simple name like John Smith, but obviously not uncommon either.
Are you 100% certain it's him?

Fizzadora · 13/08/2023 21:46

Can't believe I have just read this ffs.
I think maybe dating is not really for you.
Oh and it's past not passed.

woodas · 13/08/2023 21:50

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Coffeetree · 13/08/2023 22:06

So he was just sitting there eating dinner and suddenly the police came up into his table and started altercating with him? This isn't "everyone makes mistakes" territory.

He sounds awful.

Beezknees · 13/08/2023 22:11

Hmm. I'd tread carefully. What he said could indicate that he may have an "I'm better than you" attitude and that's one of the biggest turn offs for me. We all make mistakes but I'd be looking out for how he treats other people going forward.

WantingToEducate · 13/08/2023 22:16

Why were you googling him???

Surely you must have had some worries about him to even do this?!

Unless Googling potential partners as a screening process is common these days?

BananaSlug · 13/08/2023 22:19

Yes it’s common

Beezknees · 13/08/2023 22:21

WantingToEducate · 13/08/2023 22:16

Why were you googling him???

Surely you must have had some worries about him to even do this?!

Unless Googling potential partners as a screening process is common these days?

I do it with everyone. I want to know if there's anything bad out there before I invite someone into my life.

Nanny0gg · 13/08/2023 22:24

greatoutlook · 13/08/2023 19:31

That's what I'm worried about. Is that who he is .
This wasthree years ago. During a covid
restrictions break.

So wait and see if anything bothers you now

Isn't anyone allowed to make mistakes any more?

Shodan · 13/08/2023 22:33

Police officers hear that kind of line all the time. Ditto what a PP said- "I pay your wages" "Why aren't you out chasing real criminals" etc. Drunkards are also par for the course.

Cops don't have the time or resources to take to court every single knob that behaves like that, so I think you can be fairly sure that the behaviour was a lot worse than 'a mistake'.

Not someone I'd throw my hat in with for sure.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 13/08/2023 22:48

He made a mistake, was punished and hasn’t repeated his behaviour since. What is there to forgive him for when you weren’t the victim or even with him at the time? If you dump him over something that is out of character and in the past that’s you saying you don’t believe in rehabilitation / redemption / giving people opportunities to be better.

Ginandpanic · 13/08/2023 22:59

One of my best friends ended up in a fight when he was on a night out.
he’s the kindest and loveliest man you’d meet, it was so out of character for him I couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe it was him when the police showed him the footage. He almost lost his job, got a prison sentence, the lot.
was drunk.
no excuse but it totally changed my opinion on this. Good people can have bad days.

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