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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel that my life is never going to be as happy as it was now my kids are growing up…

38 replies

Whatnextformoi · 13/08/2023 18:23

Just that really… I loved my kids being around me and I loved being their Mum. Now they’re off with boyfriend and girlfriend or off at uni. In and out of the house only really using me as a bank/cleaner/laundry maid. Generally grumpy and not really wanting to spend time with me unless there’s something in it for them. I have one soon to be teen and I feel sad that in a couple of years he’ll be gone too.

On the other hand I want them to have happy fulfilling lives but lately it’s making me cry and feel really down…..

OP posts:

AuntieMarys · 13/08/2023 18:27

Do you have a partner? A fulfilling life yourself?

ghostyslovesheets · 13/08/2023 18:30

I think it's when they become more fun - they have life experience, things they want to talk about, they miss you when they are away etc

As for being the bank/cleaner/laundry maid - why? Mine are 15/19/20 - work for the things they want, do washing and cleaning when home etc

I think you maybe need to stop missing the 'babies' and enjoy the young adults you have created!

BooseysMom · 13/08/2023 18:32

I get this. Mine is only 9 but he's getting more independent and it won't be long before he's gone and I'll feel bereft. I'll be left with DH who i hate so I can't see any point in life when DS has gone. I'm dreading it. I think as the pp says, the only way is to make sure you have your own interests. What scares me the most is when he goes out at night and I won't know where he is.

Sorry, that's not much help I know, but you're not alone

hamstersarse · 13/08/2023 18:35

Empty nest is real!

Something magical can happen now though, you can discover yourself you now have the time. Find the hobbies, career, friends, travel you want to do….now is the exact moment to go for it!

AlecTrevelyan006 · 13/08/2023 18:35

Circle of life

TregunaMekoides · 13/08/2023 18:38

You're in a bit of a transitional period. Your kids are exploring their independence and you're just kind of left in their wake. There will come to a point where you start rediscover that you are a person separate from your children with your own interests and you will have the time to pursue them.
It'll be ok. It will be better than ok- it will be amazing!

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 13/08/2023 18:39

I'll be left with DH who i hate so I can't see any point in life when DS has gone

So, leave your husband and live your own life ffs.

So many threads lately about kids growing up and parents feeling 'bereaved'

Surely you know people grow up. They can't stay kids forever and they can't be your sole purpose in life. It's unfair to them. They cannot be your point for living.

Get a hobby, travel, go on crazy nights out.

Imho my DD being nearly 15 has strengthened our relationship and we do lots together. But I can't wait for her to spread her wings and me and DH can go on holiday for cheap in school time 😁

Peakypolly · 13/08/2023 18:41

I adored having little children but having adult ones is just as much fun and much less tiring.
Visiting them at university and then wherever they settle,
they love to show you their favourite places from parks, to bars to coffee shops (and you realise they would be your favourite places too).Having them being able to provide you a taxi service instead of the other way round. Discussing challenging subjects, and realising you have helped create an interesting and interested, worthwhile member of society. Meeting their partners means getting an insight into another young person in a way you are rarely able to - and hopefully a new friendship. Shared interests; music, movies, food, sport etc. and sometimes they pay! We laugh together and we remember silly childish traditions.I could go on and on.
I'm not at the grandchild stage yet, but I'm sure being a grandparent can bring great happiness as well.

MindPalace · 13/08/2023 18:42

DDs are 20 and 22. One is home from uni and the other is on a grad scheme and lives away. Both are usually with friends or boyfriends but are home often, and in and out.

I love it. I’m proud of them and relieved that they have made it this far in life relatively unscathed. Lots of terrible things can happen and I am very grateful and happy that they have lovely boyfriends and friends, done well academically and have good jobs. And more importantly are happy. Not everyone can reach that stage of being happy young people.

And it’s great not having to wait on them hand and foot. We all speak nearly every day with FaceTime etc and get on very well - Although ofc we still all annoy each other regularly!

I don’t think it’s as binary a split as you make out. My DH and I are very happy living by ourselves but we don’t feel we have lost our children in any way. It’s just the next stage.

MindPalace · 13/08/2023 18:44

And leave your husband if you hate him. This can be the start of a new phase in your life. A happy one. X

StrongerThanYouTh1nk · 13/08/2023 18:45

Maybe it's a sign for you to look into what life you want to live? Not as a mother / cleaner / maid but as YOU? What future will you create for yourself?

I was unhappily married and was also dreading the time it'd just be the two of us but now that I am divorced I am looking forward to the time I can take on more responsibility at work and invest more in my hobbies. It feels like the opportunities are endless.

Also if your children are fairly healthy it's easy to take it for granted. Not all young people are able to live independently and it's useful to remind yourself of that every now and again to gain a sense of perspective. Still if you're uneasy about your children leaving it's much more to do you than them.

Seashor · 13/08/2023 18:46

I felt exactly like you. I yearned for those younger years so we adopted an older child. It was the best thing we could have done, I’ve loved EVERY minute of doing it all again.

Original poster

Whatnextformoi · 13/08/2023 18:47

Yes I do have a Husband and a career. I think because I had a very unhappy childhood from the age of 12 (Mum died suddenly), having my own kids was just so amazing for me. I had never felt happier.

OP posts:

OneAtATime · 13/08/2023 18:47

You’ve done a brilliant job getting them this far. It was always your job to support them to independence esp with the things they are still asking you to it. And start thinking about what your adult relationship looks like with them. Do you plan hols together for catch up time. A share interest. A long Sunday lunch?

and then start thinking about what you can do for you! Hobbies, travel,friends,..

SoShallINever · 13/08/2023 18:48

Hmm, I hear you but its just a new chapter. I now have 6 DC instead of 3 because I have their lovely partners in my life.
Now Is your time to do all the things you wanted to but couldn't with small children in tow.

MissMarplesGoddaughter · 13/08/2023 18:49

OP - the best is yet to come.

My DC are well grown and flown and it is so lovely when they come home as adults. Stop looking back and look forward. It's exciting seeing your childrens' lives unfold and watching them grow into adults.

Hankunamatata · 13/08/2023 18:51

I'm not at the that point as have you g teens. I'm looking forward to the next stage. Planning some fab holidays, weekends away, theatre trips, girly weekends away

User37652 · 13/08/2023 18:51

I am not at this stage yet but isn’t this the point that you find yourself again? Rediscover your love of white water rafting. Fall in love with your partner again. Travel to the good places, not just the hotels with kids pools and chips at the buffet. Invite the kids and their friends for Sunday lunch and hear them argue about who can drink the most jagerbombs. Let your daughter take you shopping for ‘cool’ clothes and do your makeup like on TikTok. When they come round, you know they’re there because they want to spend time with you not because they need to. It’s just another stage and you make the most of it.

ThePitsofDespair · 13/08/2023 18:56

I get what you are saying but life must go on, I tried belly dancing this week and DH and I went to a classic car show this afternoon. Didn’t have to worry about collecting kids, feeding kids, washing kids clothes. Just left DS and his GF asleep in bed as we went off early. He is moving out next year, one minute I feel a bit sad and the next I’m planning on swinging from the chandeliers.

maybebalancing · 13/08/2023 19:01

It is a good time to assess what makes you most fulfilled in life.
Are there parts of your life you can work on?

If it really is caring for dc that works best for you then maybe explore fostering?

Cornishclio · 13/08/2023 19:02

Empty nest syndrome is a thing. I suggest you find some hobbies, join some groups and enjoy the freedom that this stage in life gives you. Before long you will be caring for grandchildren and get to do it all over again but just the fun bits.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 13/08/2023 19:06

I get you, OP. I had one start at uni this year and he is thriving and that's so brilliant. I love visting him and I love him visiting home when he can. (working away at mo) I love seeing how his life is expanding. I have a younger one doing A-levels and planning to go away too. I worry a bit more about him finding his feet but I'm sure he will.

So even though I'm lucky in that things are happening just as they should be, for me, it's just the reminder that I'm getting older. It's almost a feeling of "my work here is done." Once one of your parents dies you have this niggling feeling in the back of your head that says "you're now past your physical peak, it's your generation next". Perimenopause REALLY doesn't help, mood-wise. And the realisation that you can't fit into some of your clothes anymore even though you've always been a skinny minnie all your life and ate what you want.

I do get on with DH but god, this stage of life is hard. There's just this shift. It's almost an awakening to how short life is. We're financially fairly comfortable but what's annoying is that I have a school job so I'm tied to school holidays, so there's none of this taking advantage of cheap term time holidays to go away with DH. We have to go away when it's chocka, expensive and there are kids everywhere, just as we're trying to switch back to "couples" style holidays.

I'm sure it's just that a mind set adjustment is what's needed. It's absolutely pointless to get down over the circle of life thing because it will happen anyway and what's the point of wasting decades of your life being sad that you've already lived those previous decades and they're gone?! It's silly when you think of it. But I absolutely get where you're coming from.

BasiliskStare · 13/08/2023 19:10

@Whatnextformoi Oh don't get too upset yet. DS is mid 20s and we get on like a house on fire . I do miss the little earlyier stages but all is not lost - I promise you

Bluetrews25 · 13/08/2023 19:25

One word, OP.

Grandchildren.

You're not done yet!

Takeabreather23 · 13/08/2023 19:29

I haven’t read all the post but what I can say is …. They will come back . They are off learning to be independent and figuring out who they are . Then they return to mum/home
it’s what we all do

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