To Report Them?

[BlueberryChalk]

I was married and had 2 kids. He cheated so I left. I became a single mother for 9 years and he saw the kids every other weekend.
We then shared custody for 3 years and in that time he had another child who lives with him full time.

Emotional abuse was involved and court got involved but they decided that withholding contact would be more detrimental than the Emotional manipulation.

My son and daughter are now 12 and 13 and during covid started seeing me less and less due to manipulation around their younger sibling and being pressured to help look after them.

I'm now lucky if I see them twice a month. And as much as it kills me there seems to be nothing I can do due to thei4 age. So instead I send their father money monthly. I message them and ring rhem several times a week and buy them things they need. We also have amazing days out when they do see me.

The ex is now manipulating them into believing that he pleads poverty and I am rich. Because I work.

He claims benefits for 3 children, claims rent for a house that his sister owns and so lives there rent free. He also runs a business that works cash in hand that has been going for the last 2 years. With posts all over Facebook as to how busy it is.

My children are now messaging me almost daily asking for money for food, or to be able to go out, or for clothes. I give them all my spare money but it's now getting to the point that I can't even afford to buy myself new shoes, or to get a cheap haircut. Or even a rare visit to the cinema. Because all my spare money is going on my children.

Meanwhile he is putting more and more pressure onto them to ask me for money whilst it's clear on Facebook that is he making lots of cash on the side whilst claiming full benefits fraudulently.

Part of me really wants to report him and let him feel inconvenienced for just once in my life. But the other side of me thinks it won't affect the constant asking for money. Might even make it worse.

I guess my AIBU is should I report him. And also why do the shit people always land on their feet. I work full time and work bloody hard and I can't even spend £20 on myself 😔

Please be kind..

Sorry in my title I meant him not them. Sigh.

Report him, OP. So sorry about your situation but I would, in your shoes, report that pathetic excuse of a man x

Thanks for relying Song. I guess I feel very very guilty even though I haven't caused any of this.

And I miss my children terribly. It just isn't the same over the phone.

I'd report him.

Yes I would, with the evidence of the business so it sticks.

I wouldn't report him because it will directly disadvantage your children and will have a knock-on effect of making things more difficult for you.

What I would do is start the legal processes needed to set a fixed amount of child maintenance and a regular schedule of child contact. The initial stage of this would be mediation to agree to a parenting plan, if this isn't possible for whatever reason (e.g., he refuses to engage with mediation) then you can apply to the court to help decide the issue. You don't need a solicitor and can represent yourself, it costs £232 and will help to decide where the children live, how much time they spent with each parent, what financial support each parent will provide. You can start the application process online

https://www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce/apply-for-court-order

Once an agreement is in place then you each know what is expected and there are clear boundaries in place for both contact and finances.

Perhaps suggest to the children that if there’s not enough food at home and dad can’t afford the basics they should live with you.

Yes I’d agree a fixed and fair amount, communicate that to my kids and stop letting your ex emotionally abuse you through them. ‘Well mummy pays a fair amount as agreed by the courts and if your dad is that bad with money I’m afraid I can’t fix him’.

Report him.

I wouldn’t report personally - you’re just opening the door to more manipulation, being portrayed as the cause of your kids’ suffering - whereas what you really need are better boundaries and taking the moral high ground - your kids will soon see what their dad is doing.

Don't report him as it will directly affect your children

If you've been to court surely there is a CAO that gives you specific contact? I'm confused as to why it's not 50/50 unless you chose less contact?.

Sadly I have already suggested this. Apparently they don't want to because I work and they don't want to spend 2 hours home alone after school until I finish. Plus their dad needs them for their sibling.

There was a court order in place, but it is worded in a way that it can be changed to suit the children. And as they are teenagers, what they want is listened to and agreed too.
As they are manipulated, they have chosen to live with their father.
There is no child maintenance in place, I send money because it feels important that I still contribute to their costs in life. I just don't feel it should be in a way that it detrimental to me, whilst their dad spends money on crap they don't need and then pleads poverty.

That’s life though - in many families including ours our kids come home and are in their own mostly til we finish work.

but the point remains, you need to do a budget, work out what you can fairly afford that isn’t putting you in poverty, pay it in an ordered way and accept no more requests.

i Would talk to the kids about having pocket money. Talk with them about budgeting.
And that you also provide extra to their dad for their day to day costs.

Report him and go back to family court for contact. Tho thjs is going to be difficult due to kids ages. Good luck love. Hes a tight arsed bully whos trying to take everything from you.

The high moral ground is reporting someone who is living off taxpayers' hard earned money fraudulently.
Tell the children to come home to you if they are hungry etc. Unless you stop giving money every time it is going to get worse.
Personally I would report him, anonymously, but deny it if he is challenged and prosecuted.

It’s never really anonymous and someone who is pushed around by her kids like this is never going to be able to convincingly front it out.

Im usually 99.9% against reporting people about benefits. I’ve known a couple of people to be somewhat pushing or even just breaking the rules but they’re not rich from it and their children are being fed and clothed in these shit times.

But I would in these circumstances, either to the benefit office, social services or both. The kids are going without despite having two parents providing for them, one who certainly has spare cash if he’s not actually paying rent but getting money for it. Honestly I’d be going back to court as well, surely they would have a court social worker involved to see how the children’s home life actually is and if it’s in their best interest to be there full time?

Reporting would be the easy but, because he hasn't been shy about what he does. So there are many people that know he's committing fraud.

The kids won't miss out as such because all the extra money doesn't go on them anyway 😔 but I'll be honest in that I'd worry the stress of the situation may make it harder for the children. And they may be at the end of that.

The budget idea sounds good. And pocket money. Having a budget to how much I can spend or give them each month without making me miserable. Plus the money I send to their dad.

I currently feel like all I do is work and sleep. I don't even have 3 meals a day every day. I don't eat out. No nights out or anything like that and lost all my friends due to never having money to go out and do everything.

I also pay for their mobile phones on contract and gave in to them wanting decent ones. So that's like £100 a month combined.

Going back to court is complicated. When a social worker is appointed and does a home visit they always tell us in advance when they will be coming. So dad gets his family round and they blitz the house and ensure it all looks perfect.

Plus the kids are so trained to side with their dad that they will lie to professionals by whatever script they are told by their dad.

Unfortunately, I am very experienced in trying to do the right thing, and him coming across as a perfect human being whilst being able to hide who he truly is.

I try my best to be here for my children but they are very very blinkered.

@BlueberryChalk could you set up and account for your children and simply pay them directly each month? Give them their own debit card? If dad makes a fuss say you have evidence they are going without when you pay him and either they start having access to what they need or you’ll have no choice but to have someone check in on them.

What a difficult situation for you OP. You are clearly trying to do the best by your kids, but your ex is using this to his advantage , and clearly taking the piss!.
Its hard to say really , regarding the reporting (i would be tempted) but this will clearly have a detrimental effect on your kids. I think you could do with some advice via the legal route or these single parent charities where people will be in a similar situation (gingerbread is one). Best of luck OP. Dont worry, your kids will soon see him for what he is.

If you report to ss direct rather than through court and stress that it has to be a doorstep visit as he hides the real situation it may bypass any chance to cover his tracks. Keep any evidence of your children messaging to
say they’re going without food or other appropriate items.

Report him to social services at the very least, even anonymously. At the very least they can see if he's able to feed them, if not they might be able to sort out access for a food bank.

Don't make yourself ill with worry. He's primed the children to beg off you but even in a stable relationship teenagers are well known to be emotional blackmailers at times, usually with staying out late and money.