To Report Them?

[BlueberryChalk]

I was married and had 2 kids. He cheated so I left. I became a single mother for 9 years and he saw the kids every other weekend.
We then shared custody for 3 years and in that time he had another child who lives with him full time.

Emotional abuse was involved and court got involved but they decided that withholding contact would be more detrimental than the Emotional manipulation.

My son and daughter are now 12 and 13 and during covid started seeing me less and less due to manipulation around their younger sibling and being pressured to help look after them.

I'm now lucky if I see them twice a month. And as much as it kills me there seems to be nothing I can do due to thei4 age. So instead I send their father money monthly. I message them and ring rhem several times a week and buy them things they need. We also have amazing days out when they do see me.

The ex is now manipulating them into believing that he pleads poverty and I am rich. Because I work.

He claims benefits for 3 children, claims rent for a house that his sister owns and so lives there rent free. He also runs a business that works cash in hand that has been going for the last 2 years. With posts all over Facebook as to how busy it is.

My children are now messaging me almost daily asking for money for food, or to be able to go out, or for clothes. I give them all my spare money but it's now getting to the point that I can't even afford to buy myself new shoes, or to get a cheap haircut. Or even a rare visit to the cinema. Because all my spare money is going on my children.

Meanwhile he is putting more and more pressure onto them to ask me for money whilst it's clear on Facebook that is he making lots of cash on the side whilst claiming full benefits fraudulently.

Part of me really wants to report him and let him feel inconvenienced for just once in my life. But the other side of me thinks it won't affect the constant asking for money. Might even make it worse.

I guess my AIBU is should I report him. And also why do the shit people always land on their feet. I work full time and work bloody hard and I can't even spend £20 on myself 😔

Please be kind..

I suspect he does buy enough food but asks them to tell me otherwise to try and guilt me into giving more money because it makes me feel bad.

I will look at Gingerbread and also about speaking with social services.

I'm just so used to seeing him land on his feet over and over again. Everything handed to him on a gold platter. It's so frustrating.

So you won't report to SS, to get support in place for your children, but want to remove money from them? Phone child line today FFS.

NSpCC not child line.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP, I really feel for you.
The pathetic excuse for a man deserves to be reported but I fear that it could backfire on you and leave you in an even worse position. He will more than likely continue to manipulate your children and you will end up being blamed for being the cause of his ‘poverty’.

Obviously the court will take a child's wishes and feelings into account but they are still young and the court would balance that with your right to contact which is (in the absence of abuse) a presumption under the Children Act. I would suggest you seek legal advice and get contact on a more regular footing and then you can provide for them whilst they are with you.

If you report him he will know it's you and he may apply to the Child Maintenance Service in retaliation.

Time to get tough OP.
Your kids will eventually figure out the truth about their dad, in the meantime find out exactly how much courts would expect you to pay in maintenance and pay exactly that. Not a penny more. Then tell your kids that if they ever need anything they can come to you but they are not to ask you for money for their dad. If they message saying they need money for food drop round some prepared meals and some basic shopping that you know they like. Be the bigger person without being ripped off. You are allowing him to manipulate your child and you by keep giving them money.

Could you get regular photographic evidence of the state of the house - like a picture journal?

If the court order is 50/50 and no maintenance I'd be happy to be stricter if you know they are fine money wise as he has a side hustle.

So when the kids say they need money for food just say you've given an amount this month but if dad is struggling to budget they are more than welcome to come to yours for dinner.

Don't directly slate the dad but instead get them to start thinking for themselves.

Unfortunately they've been taught emotional manipulation and they are now doing it to you. You love them and so are responding to their demands but it's setting them up to fail.

Also £100 a month on phone contracts! When these run out you need to switch to sim only. They are 12 and 13. They don't need expensive phones.

He is manipulating all 3 of you! Why on earth are they looking after his other child?

Thank you. You have given me a lot to think about.

I do think regardless the easiest thing to do first of all here is set and communicate a budget with the kids. It’s good for them to manage their money, for you to have some for yourself and for them to learn not to keep reading the emotionally abusive script to you.

what you do after that about him is really secondary to stopping your kids learning to treat you the same way.

Say no I've sent your dad the money

Your doing your children no favours protecting him

I would report him for the sake of everyone involved.

If they are living full time at their dad's you should be paying approx 20% of your net wage to him as child maintenance.

Because that child is their sibling.

What is he spending the money on? He must be raking it in. And where is their sibling's mother?

She has no contact with her child from what the children have said. Something about he won't let her.

I have no idea but he doesn't seem to take them anywhere decent and they are constantly asking me for things they want.

That’s no way to live xx

Put your foot down hard.

So what if that is their sibling! They are 12 and 13 years old, they shouldn't be responsible for their young half brother or sister.