Drowning in mess

[depressionpitofdoom]

I am really struggling with life at the moment, I am juggling work, childcare, studying, depression and housework and dropping the ball on each and every one at the moment. I don't know where to start, my home is a disaster - I have mountains of rubbish that need to go to a dump and no way to get there, there's a mountain of laundry and dishes to clean and just mess everywhere, I am trying to get my coursework done by the deadline (which is going terribly), I am trying to entertain an 8 year old and 4 year old through the holidays, I have to go to work later and I am so depressed that I don't have any motivation to do any of it but I have too and the state of the house is making it worse so it's a cycle. I keep getting told to take a break because I'm breaking down every 5 minutes but I can't take a break because then things will just pile up more.

I don't know where to start. From what I see other people just seem to know what to do and how to clean and I just don't, I don't have executive functioning skills. I feel like I'm drowning. AIBU to ask for advice on where to start and how to fit what feels like 10000 hours of work into 24 hours because I am failing at being a human let alone being a mum!

I’m guessing you’re a lone parent? If not, get partner to pull weight. Can you set aside a weekend (or a few hours) to get some friends/family round and crack on, or they take the kids so you can? You can get a lot done in a couple of hours if you forget about everything else and just put music/podcast on and plough through.

Long term there needs to be some systems in place. Don’t buy stuff etc. Declutter a drawer/cupboard a week and just keep doing that forever and it will help keep on top of things. It makes a HUGE difference if you have a shit house like me with rubbish storage so I sympathise there.

Not sure how helpful that is. Mess is depressing so I really feel for you. It grinds you down and becomes a vicious circle.

I hear ya!

You are feeling overwhelmed and looking at the whole thing. Best thing to do is break it down into small, manageable chunks. So what if you only do 1 or 2 things on the list in a day, it is better than looking at it and feeling so overwhelmed nothing gets done. Set yourself small, manageable tasks and hopefully, you'll see how it can build momentum.

Don't be too hard on yourself, because that sets a self defeatist mindset.

Hope you start to feel a bit better xx

Also I will add, the school holidays are a shit show here too and things will get better once the kids are back in school! 4 year old starting in sept?

Wash the dishes up and put them away because seeing dirty dishes is so depressing. Phone GP and ask for a sock note to stay home from work from stress for 2 weeks. Use the sick note for work and study. You will likely get an extension granted. During those 2 weeks keep up with washing up and try to do laundry too. Spend 1 hour a day throwing stuff out or tidying things away. Can you ask anyone to do a tip run for you, or failing that, pay someone to do it?

You need Fly Lady.

Yes the 4 year old starts school in September which I know should help me free up so much more time at least, so that's something. It definitely feels hard to even start right now bit I know it will feel better once it's done.

With the stuff for dumping, would it be possible to get a skip, a man with a van, or those sacks that you fill up, then call and they take it away?

I think you have to triage though.

There are things that are unavoidable - like kids and school holidays. The good news is they too shall pass. Don't put any pressure on yourself to 'make memories', just aim to get through the bloody things with all of you more or less in one piece.

Your course deadlines - any chance of deferment, or extension? If not, you're going to have to crack on, and get it done. Aim for good enough, not perfect. You have way too much on your plate! No wonder you feel like you're drowning. You're doing an incredible job just surviving.

It sounds to me like you need to go into exam mode. Forget the mess for now, just aim for everyone to be fed, clothed and cleanish. Anyone that can help with childcare, even for a couple of hours here and there to give you a break and get the kids out while you focus on your studies? A teenager that you could bribe with a few pingers thrown their way? Hang on in there. There is light at the end of the tunnel, that isn't an oncoming train.

First thing, look on Facebook or local ads for a man with a van and organise a tip run to get rid of rubbish.

Take a couple of days off work, phone in sick.

Get the kids to do a sweep of the downstairs, gather up all the toys and put them in their rooms then go back through for dirty washing and dump it in the laundry basket and any dirty dishes in sink. While they do that, you wash up the dishes.

Then give kids a box each and tell them to fill it with anything that they don't play with anymore, for the 8 year old also add in clothing that doesn't fit them anymore. 4 year old probably can't be trusted to do that though. Obviously check what they put in there. Boxes go to charity shop or in first charity bag that comes through the door.

Having made space, get kids to tidy their rooms, put things away and strip/straighten beds.

Dust and vacuum.

Buy boxes or baskets for keeping bits in like chargers etc and use them to organise drawers and cupboards.

This should take about 2 days at most and then you can relax, study and work.

Start with kitchen, get all the dishes done and surfaces wiped down. I feel so much better with a clean kitchen.

Putting laundry away is one I always hate. Can 8 year old help with this? Get them to sort into piles of what belongs to who and put in relevant bed room.

With general mess, tackle a room at a time or even a corner at a time depending on how bad it is. Once junk is clear give the kids a cloth and let them help with dusting etc.

Don't try and do everything at once just get one room done and then you'll feel better.

Good luck!

Start small. Give your children a bin bag and get them to put things for charity shop in, things for the tip in another.
put all washing together and slowly put it away.
Just focus on one thing at once but do it well.

I feel you OP. Kids going back to school will give you some breathing space.

Just keep on top of the basics, kitchen, laundry etc and forget cleaning up toys and sorting out boxes etc.

I can’t judge cos DH has taken the kids to in-laws for a week and I was planning on deep cleaning the house and clearing out their old toys etc. yep been super busy with work and done none of that!

Rock the Housework guided cleans. Best £3 a month you will spend.

www.rockthehousework.co.uk/

Then choose a crisis clean or one of the catch-up cleans, put headphones in and go. You'll be amazed what you can achieve in 30 mins when someone is telling you what to do and you don't have to even think about it.

I once paid £100 to have all my tip rubbish taken away. I couldn't afford it, but it was worth every penny to my sanity and the budgeting cut backs for the next month were also worth it.

Maybe get a price? It's surprising how much they'll take in a load for £100.

Gather up all the washing today and dump it in one pile rather than around the house - underneath you know what you're facing. Same with clean clothing. Get the 8yo to carry the clean things to the right bedrooms.

Washing up - put some music on, get the kids to dance and hit the washing up hard.

Don't try to entertain the kids constantly - I'm sure they can play an imagination game or with toys for a few minutes at a time, even if you keep them in the kitchen / hallway / line of sight while you do the washing up.

I'm shit at executive function, but exponentially worse when I'm depressed or overwhelmed.

Pick one priority at a time.

Do a small bit at a time. My house has slipped during the school holidays but this morning I've just filled 3 boxes of out grown clothes and another box of books and arranged a charity collection.
It hasn't really helped with the visible mess of I'm honest but small bits at a time frees up storage space. Next is to tackle toys and kids rooms.

I always do dishes and wipe down kitchen last thing before bed. I hate doing it but force myself. I've never woken up thinking I wish I never cleaned the kitchen last night but I have woken up regretting not doing it. Waking up to a mess in the kitchen really messed with my mood for the day.

15 minutes at a time. Set a timer and blast some music.

15 mins: washing up whilst having a kitchen disco with the kids.
Chill/ play for 15 mins
15 mins: sort laundry and have a race with kids who puts theirs away first.
Chill for 15 mins
Etc.

I know it's so much harder with a huge to do list but once you do get on top of it, it is easier to maintain.

you can do it 🎉🏆

To be honest I wouldn't start a major declutter until the kids are back at school. Start making a plan now though - research man and van costs and decide what order you are going to do things. I find it so much easier when I'm not keeping half an eye on the kids at the same time.

If you feel you are struggling with the executive function aspect of managing the house, try something like the organised mum method. I downloaded the app and it will give you guidance and you can check off tasks when they are done.

I have snoozed a lot of friends on FB over the holidays too as I was seeing all their lovely holiday adventures and feeling like the worst mum ever as we simply can't do all that (a combination of sen child, lack of money and juggling childcare round work). We have had a couple of nice days out so I'm trying to hold onto the memory of those rather than the endless mess and squabbling.

My 8 year old is going through the ADHD assessment process at the moment and the 4 year old shows a lot of ASD traits and so the second I leave the room one of them is crying. (That might just be a sibling thing though).

I'd make getting stuff out the priority. Either by getting a skip or taking it to the tip.

Don't get sucked into thinking you can sell things because that's going to hold the process up.

I did one room at a time. Choose your room; maybe one that doesn't have constant through traffic. Chuck out everything that hasn't been used recently, think will you use it again , stuff for charity in one bag ,other stuff just out the door. Don't try to do everything at one go, but don't keep stuff in the house.If it's scrap metal find someone on Facebook who will collect for free. Does your L/A take large items for free or is there a charge, mine will take 5 items for 1 standard fee, so that was worth it.
Don't move on to another room until you have sorted the first to your satisfaction.
I've done this , and know how hard it can be, but it's worth it at the end.Good luck!

You have a lot to deal with OP. You're not failing.
I suspect I have ADHD (and have a child with it) and just getting started is my hardest thing - once I'm on a roll I can get a lot done, but I've been on mumsnet for hours today as I need to do a clear out and am just too overwhelmed to begin!

There's a book called how to keep house while drowning written by a lady with adhd and a lot of neurodiverse people have said it's very good. She's on tik tok called KC Davis.

A big thumbs up for Rock The Housework. I've always struggled with housekeeping, got overwhelmed, do a blitz, burn out and reach overwhelm before the motivation returns and it needs a blitz.

I also agree with the multi-room cleans like the one suggested. In 30 mins, you can see the difference, and over time chip away at it and make gradual, managable progress. Because Gemma is telling you what to do, it cuts the faffing and reduces a lot of mind-numbing decision making about what to do next.

There are also 30 min decluttering sessions which again, are managable, and won't clear out too much stuff to dispose of/ relocate to handle in one go.
Dana K White on youtube has a great "no mess" decluttering strategy. Sort it in situ and either relocate it to its proper home, or trash/ donate boxes and then get it off-sute ASAP. It saves getting to the demoralising point of no return if you pull everything out, make a worse mess and then have to pause the mission because of life.

The Organised Mum Method (which is where Rock the Housework has evolved from) is a managable structure to maintain the house.

I've signed up for Rock the Housework. Struggling a bit with all the options to choose!

Yes, I think you eventually learn your 'favourites'. I like the catch-up cleans (there's downstairs and upstairs) if things have got a bit out of hand. Or the whole house reset. And the after-dinner cleans are really nice when you can't be arsed.

'Just the basics' is good for a midweek whizz round when you don't have much time.

Requesting an extra wheelie bin from the council helped me massively, I use it like a mini skip every fortnight