To ask how other people with 3 kids do it

[Applebyapples]

I have an 8 year old, a 4 year old and a 9 month old. I'm on maternity leave and as it's the middle of the school holidays, I currently have them all with me all day.

I'm finding it really hard...I'd heard it said that a third child just slots in, but since my third was born I'm finding that's untrue for me and I'm finding it to be WAY more work. I feel now that 2 children was my comfortable limit, and 3 has tipped me over the edge into more than I can manage. I feel utterly frazzled by the time breakfast is finished just from the effort of getting everyone up, dressed and breakfasted with CONSTANT demands for my attention throughout. The older 2 constantly want to talk to me, the baby whinges if he doesn't get enough attention, and meanwhile I have a million and one things I'm trying to get done. I'm finding it hard to keep my patience when I'm trying to organise breakfast for four whilst being bombarded with questions and whinges...and then there's the rest of the day still to get through!

And there just isn't enough time in the day. Preparing and clearing away meals for us all, doing things that need doing around the house, making bottles and putting baby down for naps (this often takes longer as the older 2 disturb him by fighting then I have to start again), plus going out (I strongly believe we need to get out the house every day, my 4 year old boy especially really needs it), literally fills all the time. I would also like to do things like arts and crafts and board games, but there literally isn't time unless my DH is working from home and will cook tea.

There's no good time for me to shower, in the evening it wakes the baby as he's still in our room, and we can't move him out yet as he'll have to share and doesn't sleep well enough. In the morning everyone gets impatient waiting for me to be done showering.

I've said I think 3 is over my personal limit, but obviously I can't give one back now and wouldn't want to, but just want to know if anyone can help with any tips to manage better, or can relate...AIBU to find it this hard, or is it me who's failing as a mum? I often feel like none of their needs are properly met, they don't get enough 1-1 time with me and I'm letting them down 🙁

You're amazing for handling 3!! I'm not sure anyone can do it smoothly on their own.

I've got a 2yo and 9mo baby and really, really struggle. I was also told baby #2 would slot in but she has been incredibly difficult with colic, reflux, whinging for attention, not sleeping/napping well and now she's crawling and cruising everywhere destroying the toddlers lego creations 😳

Throughout this holiday period, I've found a brilliant A level student who lives nearby to help us twice a week. She takes my toddler out in the morning and afternoon so I can focus on the baby. I posted an ad on my local Facebook page and had quite a few replies.

It is hard. Can you lay out the clothes for the older two at night and tell them that if they get up and dress themselves so they are both ready by breakfast time they can have an episode of their fav tv programme once they have eaten? The older can help the younger. You could even leave the breakfast laid out and a small jug of milk each so they can come down and help themselves to breakfast? This might give u enough time to shower. Baby can watch from a bouncer seat if awake. After breakfast i would say get out doors with rainsuits and wellies if necessary as it will help them run off some energy and might clear your head. Just make small changes. Have a day bag to grab when you head out with drinks and snacks and bubble wands which worked a treat for us in distracting from tantrums! Three is tough but tou can do it! You need to get as organised as possible and ask for help when you need it if it is available.

I think you need to try and encourage your 8yo to be more independent tbh. I had slightly bigger gaps between my three (third totally unplanned) but my eldest was luckily besotted with his little sister so was happy to do things like keep an eye on her while I showered or feed her. I don’t know the dynamics between your kids though. Otherwise as @Geranium1984 has suggested you could see if you could source an extra pair of hands. DH was away during the week the first six months of DD’s life and our neighbour’s teenager was a godsend.

I remember your pain OP. I had 3 close together in age (idiotic decision!) and it does definitely get better, mainly when no3 was walking I seem to remember, although I also remember the fun of no3 screaming for dinner every evening but every time she toddled into the kitchen, she'd turn off the oven again. Fun times.

I promise promise promise it will get easier as your third grows and can communicate/play with the other two a little. I've been in this exact position, sat at the kitchen table with my head in my hands, listening to everyone balloon all at once, baby crying, house upside down... thinking why? Why on earth did I have a third? I'll never get the swing of it, it will always be chaos.

Once my third hit around 18-24 months and the elder two paid a little more attention to him and involved him in games more, and he could communicate his wants a little more, I was more "ah, this isn't so bad".

Third is 3 now and it's a walk in the park. Jurassic park, but still, easier than the early days.

Summer holidays when the third child is a newborn is hard as nails. It gets so much easier.

I'm in exactly the same situation as you.. I have an 8 year old, almost 4 year old and 11 month old. I have technically gone back to work now but I'm a teacher so im on the holidays. My partner works 6 days a week and I get no family help. This summer has been tricky to balance everyone's needs!

I guess my only advice is to try and stick to a routine and lower standards.

I shower early before my partner goes to work. Breakfast around 8am and I get my two older ones dressed before they eat. I am also ready for the day before breakfast.
After breakfast I get the baby dressed and brush everyone's teeth/faces for the day. They are not allowed a snack until they're ready for the day. Snack is at 10:15. It helps to say that snack is at a time, that way when I get asked for a snack my reply is what time is it.. rather than no, so I'm not saying no if that makes sense.
I give a snack and put something on the tv at 10:15 which is when I put the baby down for a nap. This gives enough time to put him down without the older ones shouting or fighting. I'm also strict with screen time, so I only use it when I need it.
I also make sure Alexa is on in the living room so I can make an announcement (like sit down and be quiet) from my phone if they are getting too rowdy!
Then lunch for everyone once baby wakes and out for the afternoon. I've usually got everything in the car that I need during the nap time.
The morning is spent playing in the garden/ with toys.
Out and about for the afternoon before giving the baby a second nap in the car on the way home.

I appreciate it's not great. We probably only get 3 hours of outside activity time a day. But it's the best I can do whilst balancing everyone's needs.

I also make sure I get a clothes wash on early morning and hang out during morning nap time and collect back in when I get home. I only tidy up toys at breakfast, snack and lunchtime. I encourage the older ones to help and don't put food on the table until it's done.

I appreciate writing this down i sound like an awful robot 😭. It does run smoothly most days though and my older two like the familiarity of the routine I think.

I'm super tired! And baby does not sleep at night! I keep telling myself next summer will be totally different (with a new set of issues!)
You sound like you're doing an amazing job, well done! And the holidays are just as much for resting as they are for fun!
So don't put too much pressure on yourself x

I have 3 and found it mostly ok apart from when they all cried at the same time, that really shook me whenever that happened, and it did happen because they were small.
they did become the best of friends though and looked after each other so very much.
instead of showering could you not just have a bath with them all?

I currently have 2 under 2 and that’s my comfortable limit as I’ve heard from several sources that 3 goes from comfortable to chaos

YANBU! I have 3. Aged 6, 4 & 2. It is harder than 2, number 3 did not just ‘slot in.’ She came out not knowing she was dc3 and has been high needs since day 1 😂 I’m lucky that dc1 & 2 do play together well. 9 months is such a hard age… try to pop them in a sling to get things done and encourage the elder 2 to go and play together. & lower your expectations! You can’t have 3 kids and a show home, just try to get the basics done. I find giving them an hour of my time then saying I need to get on now helps get them out from under my feet. It isn’t easy…

It’s hard. And with the ages you currently have it’s like managing two different camps. A baby and two children. As the baby gets older they’ll merge into a set of three kids and it will get easier in some ways. But it’s always hard and summer holidays especially so, so don’t beat yourself up. Mine are 10, 8 and 4 and the constancy of their demands, needs and arguments is so wearing. Look for ways to organise things. I always put together a load of laundry at bathtime and put it in the machine ready to go the next morning. And I also put the dishwasher on every night even if it’s not 100% full so it’s good to empty and start over in the morning. And get the 8 and 4 year old to tidy up after themselves if you have the mental energy for that process. But it will pay dividends. Remind them, you’re a team and they all need to do their part. But the constant meal prep etc. I hear you and sending solidarity. I am 4 years in to being a mum of 3 and I still google ‘how to cope’ every so often.

I have the same gaps but mine are much older now - you'll get through!

Things that helped me were -
send the big two into the garden to play as much as they want (don't care if they're still in PJs)
eat outside as much as you can - kids love a picnic & you dont have to worry about cleaning up the mess (or feeding the birds 🤣)
put smallest in the sling & get out to the woods/playpark
have an all in one suit & waterproof soft boot things so she can crawl about where ever you go
i had smallest in wrap or on knee for naps & had time with the big as was either walking holding the older ones hands or sitting next to them reading to them & if I was nodding off (because none of my children slept) we used to watch some David Attenborough together!
for wet days splash suits & enjoy the empty playpark

I had all three all the time - no school/nursery- & it was fine.
You'll all be fine

i made A LOT of indoor "adventure courses" in wet weather too - jump on each cushion, spin in the hula hoop, crawl through the tunnel etc then they start making their own! (& chalk ones outside)

I have 4, not by choice either so it was especially hard at the start but honestly, the baby / toddler stage doesn’t last long and that really is the most difficult bit in terms of time management. It gets easier I promise.

Get outside! Walk round the block, park, garden just out.
Put some structure in your day so you have a plan to follow. This is the hardest part about school holidays I think.
And get your older two doing more for themselves. My 7 year old gets her own breakfast and both my older ones can put their plates in the dishwasher and get themselves dressed.

In my case, to answer your OP, big age gap between children 2 and 3 - 8 years (we weren't planning for that, tbf, but it would have been about 5.5-6 years had everything gone as we'd anticipated). I didn't want all 3 close together (children 1 and 2 are 2.5 years apart) for pretty much the reasons you list. So don't feel bad about finding it hard - I think it is hard. You will find your stride, though, and it will get easier soon as the older two will be at easier ages during the toddler years.

It is hard, I’m not going to lie, but it definitely gets better! I had a 5 year old and a 2.5 year old when I had my third, and my DH was deployed, so it was mental! I always say, if 1 child was 100% difficulty, I found the second child brought it to 150%, I found the third brought it to 350%, if that makes sense?!

Where's your partner in all of this? Other than coping an occasional meal?

If he's working from home, why isn't he doing breakfast whilst you get a shower? How late is he coming in that you can't grab a quick shower sometime between him coming home and baby going to bed?

It is hard, I have an 8 and twin 3 year olds and it's really fucking hard, but it would be a damn sight harder of I didn't know I could just dump all 3 on DH when I needed to

I have three, it’s hard in the holidays but I love it overall.

My third was also a shock (3 yr gaps).

Summer holidays are also really hard. My top tips:

Pick your battles - will depend by age what really matters for you each day? Getting dressed, cleaning teeth?

Decide what your older children can be directed to do and make these non- negotiable before a TV goes on. Mine are older now, but 9 yr old knows that dressed, teeth, breakfast ( which she can get) has to be some before any tv/device. She also has to tidy away all own breakfast things and do at least one job forthe house. That might be tidying the chaos of shoes by the front door, the windowsill covered in toothbrushes, or taking a bag of washing upstairs and sorting into piles by person. There are jobs she enjoys, so I pick things that genuinely help. Reading with younger sibl8ngs is a hood job that the older ones used to do too.

It doesn't always happen but when a whinge starts I can ask whether she has cleaned up after herself or done 1 or 2 house jobs....and it buys me 10 minutes and gives me a reason to thank her and be positive.

Use the TV. Its brilliant. But set up clear times for turning off. So so.etimes it is 4-5 - until tea - which us time when baby can be in a sling while you prepare food. Or maybe, in holidays, we fo everyone has tea and if they can be bathed, teeth cleaned floor tidy and downstairs by (e.g) 7, they can watch a FILM! Once a week, tell tjem it's REALLY late ( only works for 8 yr old) and then straight to bed as so late.

See other people every day - even strangers in a play park.

Don't plan more than one thing a day and get back by 4pm, or super late to bundle everyone in bed.

Ask the older ones what they want yo do that week and plan in one thing each. They will surprise you with how low key these things are!

It fies get easier- but I'm finding the holidays hard too as they are - its nothing uou are doing wrong!

I have 3, although mine are now 17/19/21. I was lucky that DC3 did just slot it, but it was still very hard work and exhausting in the early days.

I encouraged DC1 to be quite independent, and I think DC2 copied him to a certain extent as he wanted to be 'a big boy' too. This helped. DC1 also loved 'looking after' DC3, which as they got older bought me time to shower!

Also, I lowered my standards in the early days. The house certainly wasn't spotless, but as long as everyone was fed and reasonably clean that was enough.

2-3 was a much harder transition than 0-1 or 1-2 for me, OP. 2 kids is 2 kids, 3 kids is 3957 kids. I have 8, 3 and 1 and my 1 year old was premature and has Cerebral Palsy! The first 4 months were literally pure survival mode but in the last 6 months I would say things have got easier or maybe I've just learnt to manage things better.

I find having changing bag/nursery bag packed at all times really helps as you can just go out rather than needing to sort those things. Clothes are laid out the night before, I make sure I don't ever let the washing build up so there's never more than a single load waiting to go in but my best tip ( if you can afford it! ) is to have a day a week where they're all at various childcare places eg school and nursery so I have space to myself to clean and just have some time to myself

Mine are 8, 6 and 18 months.

The only way to face the day is to have everything ready the night before, even during the holidays!

Full outfits including pants and socks left in a pile for your older kids. Breakfast should be stuff that you don't need to prepare, eg croissant, yoghurt, baby bell and banana.

After breakfast, stick the baby in a bouncer or buggy in front of some cartoons. Have a quick 2 minute shower (that's all it takes if you don't wash your hair). Get on your clothes that you left out the night before. I throw some make up on if the baby is still happy in front of the TV.

Then get out! Hanging around the house all morning is the most stressful thing! Get out and when you come back, stick a movie on netflix and have some down time.

Everything feel easier when youre organised and out the door. My mental health is better when im washed, nicely dressed and made up. Takes me less than ten minutes.

So I don't any more but I have parented 4 kids at once.. 12 down to 2
Things that helped..
Pack any lunches and bags the night before and organise my own work bag ready for the next day. Set my alarm half hour earlier than anyone wakes up, get a shower and get dressed for work. Throw ipads or books at anyone who wakes up ahead of schedule and they stay in their own rooms. Get everyone dressed and hair done for the day one by one in their bedrooms before anyone goes downstairs, make sure uniforms and nursery clothes are ready before you go to bed and hung outside each room. Leave each kid in their room with whatever they're playing with or reading until everyone's sorted. Take them all downstairs at once and everyone sits at the table/baby in high chair, give everyone a drink and a banana (or something equally speedy) to keep them still.. make whatever they're having for breakfast and get it onto the table ASAP. Straight after breakfast wash faces, brush teeth, leave the kids to watch TV or play for 5 min while I run upstairs and grab a wash and make all the beds etc, and then we are all ready.. shoes and coats already lined up by the door. Quick wins like no laces and book bags next to coats.
Military routine was the only way for me 😂

It is hard. My number 3 didn’t slot in either.

0-1 = grand
1-2 = doddle
2-3 = nearly broke me 😂

mine are now 11, 8 and 6 and it really does get easier.

for me:
out is easier than in. Leave the house!
take snacks everywhere
don't let them play football in the garden. Someone will cry!
try to do things where they can all do it but can be apart of they need to, for example at the park.
sometimes “all fed, no one dead” is a success

Well done for surviving. I found that 3 really challenged me in a way I just hadn't experienced before. I had my 3rd just before lockdown and it just felt like I was walking through cement sometimes...homeschooling, keeping them active, cooking, doing fun stuff. Just be kind to yourself and remember it will get easier. My oldest is now a teen and it has felt like a very difficult summer; he just doesn't want to do anything and is grumpy.

What I found did make things easier was just committing to doing something. Getting up, making a packed lunch and just going to a national Trust or for a walk. I felt so accomplished at the end of the day when I could see that I had made a good day happen for us all. I found a baby back pack really helpful.

I'm currently finding things hard again as I'm needed in to adjust to what to do with a screen obsessed teen. If anyone has any ideas I'm a ears!!