Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be comfortable with this?

27 replies

DisneyBaby · 13/08/2023 00:35

My brother (who I don't always see eye to with) went on my husbands stag do and has now somehow managed to edge his way into my husband and I's friendship group.

He started playing football with a couple of boys in the group as they needed extra players, then got invited on a boys holiday as he was single with a couple of them (there's about 10 boys in the group plus 10 partners) and now he seems to reluctantly get invited to everything, along with his partner and my future SIL.

I am so uncomfortable with this, as is my husband. We enjoy spending time with them as family but feel a big intruded on that they have ebbed their way into the group. It's nice to keep friends and family separate I think.

My brother is one of those people who knows the answer to everything, a bit of a know if all and exaggerates things (most of the reason we don't always get on) and I've heard from others friends in the group that they find him annoying at times. And I can't help but feel like him being that was us a bad reflection on me being his sister.

Every time my brother and his gf mention they're going to something that we're going to we can't help but feel annoyed and like they shouldn't be there.

Would anyone else feel the same? I guess there's nothing I can do about it now is there?

OP posts:
Bananasplitlady · 13/08/2023 00:58

My experience is different but similar - my brother is only a year younger than me, which meant he was in my social circle at times, dated some of my friends, was just always there. I hated it - we didn't get on terribly well and my parents never understood how shit it was for me. No advice, but sympathy, I think I'd have to kill him or move (only half joking...)

continentallentil · 13/08/2023 01:00

Just don’t invite him to things and hope it fades out. If people find him annoying it probably will.

sjpkgp1 · 13/08/2023 01:58

I do understand where you are coming from. Whereas it is a bit annoying that somebody (in this case your brother) has managed to "jump on" to your friendship group with minimal effort, it sounds like a fairly big group and they must like him enough to invite him on holiday and for the football. He won't be a "reflection on you" - people like people for themselves, they won't be asking him to things because they feel they should because he is your brother, nor will any of the things you find annoying (as a sister) necessarily annoy others. If brother does things that are annoying, then the group will naturally deselect a bit anyway. I think you probably need to let it run for a while
It is a natural response that once you are comfortable with a group of friends that a newcomer challenges the clique, it can be disquieting, especially if it is someone you know. For them, it can be a whole new avenue of friends - everybody deserves that chance. Annoying though it is, I would probably let it go for now. I hope this helps xx

Hufflepods · 13/08/2023 06:41

You can’t control who else your friends are friends with. They obviously like him and feel close to him to invite him on holiday!

ApolloandDaphne · 13/08/2023 07:09

What do you mean by he "reluctantly get invited to everything"? Who invites him and why are they reluctant about it? It sounds to me like the lads group like him and want him to be there. They are unlikely to be thinking about you and your DH in any of this.

Ohthatsabitshit · 13/08/2023 07:16

I really doubt they are reluctantly inviting him to football and holidays.

cushioncovers · 13/08/2023 07:18

Hufflepods · 13/08/2023 06:41

You can’t control who else your friends are friends with. They obviously like him and feel close to him to invite him on holiday!

Agree with this.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/08/2023 07:27

Did you mean to use the word 'reluctantly'? It doesn't make sense.

CalistoNoSolo · 13/08/2023 07:33

You're going to have to suck it up or get new friends.

Aprilx · 13/08/2023 07:36

He has made friends, these other people must like him if they keep inviting him to things.

RampantIvy · 13/08/2023 07:39

Would anyone else feel the same?

No, but I have a good relationship with my sister.
Unfortunately you will just have to suck it up. You don't need to invite him to anything you have organised, but you can't tell others in the friendship group who they can and can't invite.

Maybe turn down a few invitations to things he has been invited to in future.

ActDottie · 13/08/2023 07:55

My husband and brother are good friends and do the same hobby and part of the same group. It’s fine. You don’t need to keep family and friends separate.

PensAndPapers · 13/08/2023 08:01

It sounds like you are the annoying couple, not your brother and his girlfriend, if you think you can decide which social circle your brother moves in and who he befriends.

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 13/08/2023 08:08

No. I would be made up to do more things with my brother.

I do hang out with my siblings socially a fair bi, with various friends, so I don't think you need to keep friends and family separate at all.

Sounds like you're jealous and your nose has been pushed out of joint for some reason.

Original poster
DisneyBaby · 13/08/2023 08:10

ApolloandDaphne · 13/08/2023 07:09

What do you mean by he "reluctantly get invited to everything"? Who invites him and why are they reluctant about it? It sounds to me like the lads group like him and want him to be there. They are unlikely to be thinking about you and your DH in any of this.

For example, there was a wedding recently and the groom actually said to me that they probably wouldn't have invited my brother and his gf but felt like they had to as they'd been to a couple of other social things with the group.
They thought we would have been offended if they weren't invited.
So I was honest back and said actually we'd probably prefer it if they were there and said told them don't feel like you have anyone, it's your day, invite who you really want there...

OP posts:
GreenKimono · 13/08/2023 08:12

ApolloandDaphne · 13/08/2023 07:09

What do you mean by he "reluctantly get invited to everything"? Who invites him and why are they reluctant about it? It sounds to me like the lads group like him and want him to be there. They are unlikely to be thinking about you and your DH in any of this.

Exactly. It sounds to me as if you’re the reluctant one here, the others presumably like him if they keep inviting him to stuff.

Whose idea was it to invite him to your husband’s stag, where he presumably first had contact with the group?

Original poster
DisneyBaby · 13/08/2023 08:13

'weren't' there I meant*

OP posts:
GreenKimono · 13/08/2023 08:14

X-posted. Well, it sounds as if there’s a big misconception your husband is going to have to clear up with his friends.

ExtraOnions · 13/08/2023 08:14

Not at all, I’m always mixing my friends and family … I enjoying hosting at home for events so invite both friends and family … those people them go to each others events - I think it’s nice.

Original poster
DisneyBaby · 13/08/2023 08:14

RampantIvy · 13/08/2023 07:39

Would anyone else feel the same?

No, but I have a good relationship with my sister.
Unfortunately you will just have to suck it up. You don't need to invite him to anything you have organised, but you can't tell others in the friendship group who they can and can't invite.

Maybe turn down a few invitations to things he has been invited to in future.

If have a sister too.
If she has ended up in the group I would have had no problem with it at all and would actually love it coz she's like my best friend. But my brother I find embarrassing to have around, and we don't see eye to eye a lot..

OP posts:
gamerchick · 13/08/2023 08:19

The only thing you can do is pull back yourself and wait for it to fizzle out. From the sounds of it, it probably will at some point.

Totalwasteofpaper · 13/08/2023 08:19

All you can do is ride it out.
The other way to navigate it is to do things in smaller groups. Dinner for 6 or invite a few people over.
If you are organising /hostijg and not inviting your beother people might get the hint.

JMSA · 13/08/2023 08:24

You say they're being 'reluctantly' invited. Are you sure about that, or are you projecting your own feelings onto it?
I think they just need to stop being invited. Speak to your friendship group and tell them how you feel.

GalileoHumpkins · 13/08/2023 08:30

DisneyBaby · 13/08/2023 08:10

For example, there was a wedding recently and the groom actually said to me that they probably wouldn't have invited my brother and his gf but felt like they had to as they'd been to a couple of other social things with the group.
They thought we would have been offended if they weren't invited.
So I was honest back and said actually we'd probably prefer it if they were there and said told them don't feel like you have anyone, it's your day, invite who you really want there...

Show quote history

That's not your brothers fault thats your friend's fault. Adults should have the balls to not invite someone they don't like but I'm not sure that's the case here.

Mumof2teens79 · 13/08/2023 08:46

DisneyBaby · 13/08/2023 00:35

My brother (who I don't always see eye to with) went on my husbands stag do and has now somehow managed to edge his way into my husband and I's friendship group.

He started playing football with a couple of boys in the group as they needed extra players, then got invited on a boys holiday as he was single with a couple of them (there's about 10 boys in the group plus 10 partners) and now he seems to reluctantly get invited to everything, along with his partner and my future SIL.

I am so uncomfortable with this, as is my husband. We enjoy spending time with them as family but feel a big intruded on that they have ebbed their way into the group. It's nice to keep friends and family separate I think.

My brother is one of those people who knows the answer to everything, a bit of a know if all and exaggerates things (most of the reason we don't always get on) and I've heard from others friends in the group that they find him annoying at times. And I can't help but feel like him being that was us a bad reflection on me being his sister.

Every time my brother and his gf mention they're going to something that we're going to we can't help but feel annoyed and like they shouldn't be there.

Would anyone else feel the same? I guess there's nothing I can do about it now is there?

I am confused, he is single but has a partner?
Or this started quite a long time ago