AIBU or are those gushy mum posts on social media just a bit much sometimes

[Dracarys1]

This is my first AIBU post but I was spurred on reading a Facebook shared post that basically implied that in order to be a good mother you have to prioritise your child over everything else in your life. It was one of those gushy ones that I seem to see all the time. And it made me feel really uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong, I have two small children and I love them to the ends of the earth. I'm also a SAHM so I do often live and breathe my children. But I hate the narrative that in order to be a good mother you have to pretty much sacrifice everything that makes you you for your little ones every whim. I don't think it's healthy for mum's to feel that if they are to be good mothers they have to always sacrifice themselves. I'll try to post the text in question because it really bothered me that this is the way some women feel they have to be in order to be good enough. Its unrealistic and puts so much pressure on mums to feel they are doing a good job. And people post them under a supportive guise but it actually just makes most normal mums feel a bit shit. So anyway AIBU or does anyone hate this sort of post?!

That's shit advice.
You choose your kids of course, if they're ill but kids need to see you as a person with needs too. They need to learn to help out. That sometimes mum's feelings matter and they need to make adjustments.
This is how they learn to consider the feelings of those around them and don't grow up to be shit adults.

Yeah.. fuck that. Not that I could afford a Bahamas trip anyways.

Of course if your child is sick your prioritise but I bet there’s a strong venn diagram overlap between people who spout this shit, those who believe woman should stay at home, that women’s rights have gone to far, and those ‘have as many white middle class children as possible to avoid the Great Replacement!’ Miriam Cates types.

Motherhood is choosing your children again and again⁣⁣
and again.⁣⁣
⁣⁣
It’s not being able to go out for that dinner with friends you planned because one of your children has a fever. It’s choosing them.⁣⁣ their dad can do it
⁣⁣
It’s not being able to talk on the phone with a friend because your children are loud and wild in the background. It’s choosing them.⁣⁣
⁣⁣you tell them to be quiet/go to another room/turn the telly on
It’s not going on vacation because it conflicts with a dance recital your child has been practicing for and has been excited about for months. It’s choosing them.⁣⁣you plan better/actually check the calendar before booking
⁣⁣
It’s not going for drinks after work because your child won’t fall asleep until his head’s resting on your chest. It’s choosing them.⁣⁣they have a father,he can wear a stuffed bra , or you do your best to raise more independent kids* In most cases it only lasts a few years anyways.

Hell, none of this lasts forever, and once they learn to breathe on their own and safely use the toaster you can actually let go a bit. None of this is for the benefit of the kids , but for the mother /martyr to feel needed and essential, why not say parenthood? I know OH's chest is rather hairy, but it's functional.
⁣⁣

It’s not being able to talk on the phone with a friend because your children are loud and wild in the background. It’s choosing them.⁣⁣

Or you could teach your child to shush when asked because you're doing something else. Rather than what this woman seems to be suggesting "oh sorry friend, I can't talk, my children are being too loud and I couldn't possibly tell them to do anything".

It’s not going on vacation because it conflicts with a dance recital your child has been practicing for and has been excited about for months. It’s choosing them.⁣⁣

This one doesn't make sense. Is she suggesting not going on a paid for holiday because of a dance recital? Why not be more organised before you book the holiday?

I don't agree with putting children first all the time anyway. No one should think they come first all the time. What horrible adults they'd make. And I bet their teachers hate it.

It's obviously utter shite.

And nobody with any decent levels of self esteem/self respect should take any notice of such crap at all.

So no, most mums will just roll their eyes and carry on living their lives. I suggest you do too. And try hiding/leaving groups to alter your algorithms so you see less of this shite.

That mother is going to have HUGE problems in a few years😅 Some I’d agree with, some depend, but then some are ridiculous!!

I wouldn’t even have read that, I’ve also no friends who post that kind of utter tripe. If you need some random of Facebook to tell you how to parent you’ve not problems, it’s so arrogant to think you can post something like that for other mothers, like you think you’re so great and everyone else needs told how to parent. Weird. Ignore and move on and block whatever ‘friend’ posts such shite

Go for dinner - their dad can cope.

On the phone - loud and wild - shriek STFU like a normal person.

Unlikely you would arrange a holiday that clashed with a show they practised for months for or indeed signed them up if you had already booked a holiday.

Drinks after work - mine will have already had a bedtime routine where they went to bed, in their bed, and again Dad can oversee this.

Doesn't make me any worse a mum. Pity them that they feel the need to be such a doormat.

Follow some better “motherhood can be shit” types, the algorithm will sort you out. I barely see any of these posts any more because I seem to get the “real/raw” stuff (which also gets a bit much sometimes, there are good bits about motherhood!).

Often these posts are actively trying to hide what’s really going on with the person though. One of my friends constantly posts about how amazing her children and husband are, and how wonderful motherhood is, and I know that actually she’s really struggling and putting this perfect life on Instagram is her way of coping.

any mother who quite rightly has things for herself will be made to feel guilty for it with posts like these

As PP said, I find it difficult to see how any sane woman could feel guilty reading this.

It's not only nonsensical, it's just word drivel, out of the Life Laugh Love textbook.

I can feel guilty very easily - I feel guilty right now as I'm crying a bit in the car having had to get away from my gang due to feeling completely overwhelmed after an exhausting day [youngest 12 so I haven't abandoned small children!] but not from this shit.

It also irritates me as I'm a single parent with no support (ex or family etc). So in all those years, I have had to forgo the drinks or (non-existent) holiday or other social connections. I don't wear this as a badge of honour! It was necessity but not ideal - of course it's preferable to have a balance of personal / family time, if you can.

Absolute twaddle! Imho, any mother who sacrificed her happiness to that degree, would make a very unhappy parent.

YANBU. If she’s that ‘there’ for her kids how on earth did she find the time to write such nonsense? 😉

And I agree with this. ‘Crying’ photos incoming complete with a vomit inducing stream of conscienceness about how hard she’s finding things and how much she’s lost herself since becoming a mum. And how she now intends to ‘raise awareness’ of mums mental health.

"The kids should shut the fuck up if you’re talking to a friend on the phone."

@BrutusMcDogface 😂😂😂

Fuck that nonsense. They sound deranged.

Honestly, it doesn't bother me on a personal level as I can see how toxic it is but I do feel uncomfortable reading it knowing that some mums who are struggling may find that sort of post to be a bit of a kick in the stomach. Thanks for your comments everyone. I'm so relieved that most people find it as toxic as I do!

I see these posts often and, yes do feel a little guilty.

My children’s needs come before my wants.
However sometimes my needs and even my wants are going to come before their wants.

That’s totally and utterly vomit inducing. We wouldn’t have anything in common. Their martyrdom would be very wearing

I love my children but come on 🤷‍♀️

YANBU. Change the word to father and get it circulating ....let's see how long that lasts 🙄

You're right - probably the reason you get posts on mumsnet like 'AIBU for leaving my children with their dad for the day while I do XYZ For the first time in three years, he's not happy about it but he does his hobby 8am-8pm every Saturday'

These posts normalise women giving up everything for their kids and make mums doubt themselves for doing normal things that their partner wouldn't bat an eyelid at. It's 2023 for crying out load.

If she can’t talk on the phone cause her kids are being loud, what’s she going to be doing though? Cause clearly she can’t get them to shut up or make sure the screaming isn’t due to mortal injury cause phones are portable these days so she could “hang on a minute June while I check what this screaming is about .. no it’s fine their just expressing themselves in the shivery” and carry on. She should have said she can’t talk on the phone cause her precious prince wants to show her the shiny Pokémon cards again.

its codswallop but at least make it make sense.

Cancel a holiday in the Bahamas for some shitty little school play?!

FUCK. That. Shit! 😂

I can't say they bother me, same ads people talking about hobbies I have no interest in if it works for them why would I care?

They can declare themselves through best parent in the world it doesn't change how I parent so I just do me as the saying goes

Why would I give this any more headspace than talking about formula one or base jumping or whatever