DH said “no wonder no one speaks to you”

[Bigjamsandwich]

Fight with DH earlier. DH had been out with DS1 while I was home with DS1 who is autistic/non verbal. DS had managed to pick a hole in our living room wall by picking bits of the plaster off, I was out the kitchen making him lunch and washing up and didn’t realise what he had done. DH goes mad when he comes home and says we will lose our home (we have a council house) and that I never watch him. We got into a fight, it’s virtually impossible to watch DS all the time and he’s got up to plenty of mischief/caused destruction on DHs watch. He blames me for the destruction that DS causes, however it’s a different story if I’m out and DH is responsible.

DH said mid argument that “it’s no wonder no one speaks to me” I have social anxiety and am on the pathway for an adhd/possible autism diagnosis. I’ve opened up to him about my feelings socially/rejection sensitivity etc and it feels like he’s used my insecurities as a weapon. It’s massively triggering and reminds me of a party where a boy (a long time ago) as I was leaving the party shouted loudly in front of everyone “Are you leaving because no one is taking to you?” I was so embarrassed and it sounds ridiculous but this memory comes up often and makes me feel ashamed. 😢

I didn't want to read and run, but I'm so sorry, that was a really cruel and hurtful thing for him to say, you didn't deserve that ☹️

There are two unrelated issues here.

1. Your DH is a prick

1. Exactly how long are you leaving a child, particularly an ND child, alone without checking, in order they can undetected pick a hole through a wall?

Your DH is a prick and did use that against you and you will not lose your home because your autistic son ripped some plaster off. Don't worry x

Can you get some sort
Of movable screen baby monitor to keep an eye on him whilst your doing stuff ?

Well if the plaster on ops council house walls are anything like mine it wouldn't take long for someone to pick a hole in it

Your dh sounds like a dick, a cruel one at that

Wielding your insecurities as a means of belittling you in the heat of an argument or any other context is completely disgraceful. By doing this he's completely shaken your trust and faith in him as a partner. I am not sure I could come back from this even if apologises were offered. This is not to say that he won't realise why what he did was particularly cruel, it's more that you now know he can and has the ability to emotionally derail you at his leisure.

Firstly it’s be pretty easy to use some filler for the hole so I wouldn’t be worrying about that and the council are unlikely to evict you for something like that.

More importantly, your DH is an a-hole who clearly used a vulnerability that you had confided in him about, as a weapon during an argument. It’s totally unacceptable and cruel behaviour. Probably because he realised he was losing the argument/in the wrong and wanted to lash out and hurt you. My OH did this once about my depression/anxiety during an argument, asking “have you had your tablets today?” He quickly regretted this comment as I was furious and told him in no uncertain terms that it was unacceptable to use that as a weapon just because he’s angry. This needs addressing and he needs to regain your trust, you should be able to confide in your DH as a supportive partner and he needs to address his anger issues.

someone like this must have behaved appallingly many many times in the past Op and said awful thinks many a time?

It’s the going mad at you when he came home that’s concerning

While you aren't supposed to alter council property, go on YouTube and look for videos on how to fill holes in walls. It is easy to do unless the hole is massive. I would probably wait until your DC has done a couple more then fix them all at once.

Secondly your DH is a dick. He has a characteristic in common with your DC that he's destructive, but your DH doesn't have a reason for his behaviour.

Your DH sounds like an 18 carat bellend. His complete lack of understanding is dreadful.

As for the wall, I know it's easy for me to say but try not to worry too much about it as it will be pretty easy to rectify. In the meantime, try to remember that you have done absolutely nothing wrong and certainly nothing to be ashamed of. 💐

youre not going to lose your house because some plaster is missing, its easily fixed for a start, the only problem is if your son starts destroying the house, but again thats fixable

He's being a twunt and he needs (verbally) putting on his arse!

It sounds like you are living in an incredibly uneven playing field where errors he makes are reasonable and those you make are punishable. Point this out to him and tell him to pack it the feck in!!

It's nigh impossible to provide for an autistic child AND watch them 24-7. You were making his lunch, ffs! How were you supposed to know he'd pick some plaster off while you make a sandwich?! That hole can be easily filled in and covered. Your DH knows it.

What he said was cruel and yes, a low blow, but it wasn't abut you - it was about HIS anger, HIS frustration and HIS childish need to hit out at others to take him feel better. I'm sure you are both tired, tatty and stressed but you shouldn't ever take that out on each other.

Social anxiety isn't something to be thrown in your face. I too am on the pathway for testing, after my DS was diagnosed. It can be lonely and isolating and your DH should be helping you, not hindering.

The OP isn’t for asking for advice on how to parent her child. The incident that started the argument is immaterial. The point is that her DH was absolutely horrible about it and deliberately picked on her deepest insecurities to make the OP feel like shit.

Sounds like my ex, that’s why he’s my ex. Anything my child did even down to getting sick was my fault. We coparent but I keep him blocked on my phone he’s only allowed to email because I refuse to deal with the constant blaming. Sounds like a control freak nut job like mine. He used to say nobody likes me. Nobody likes him really because he’s a cock.

Thank you all. I’ve put polly filler on the wall and it seems to have done the trick for now. It’s a partition wall and is really thin. Yes, DH has been a complete twat! I’m so angry at him. He’s said similar stuff in arguments before “no wonder your friends don’t bother with you” etc. It’s massively upsetting. When I pull him up on it he says it’s just shit he says in the heat of the moment.

I do have friends who I meet for coffee, go to the theatre, for meals, play dates etc. I don’t see people as much as I’d like with family commitments and work etc. I have the usual WhatsApp groups etc. They do “speak to me” despite what he says.

I have confided in him if I’ve felt lonely or excluded for whatever reason. Having a disabled DS can be isolating.

For context DH has no social life and it’s been years since he’s socialised outside of the house.

I just want to give you a massive hug, OP. What a horrible thing for your DH to say - deliberating wounding. I have ADHD and really pronounced RSD too, and it's one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. I would be devastated if anyone said this to me.

I don't know what to advise you about your DH, but at the very least I would want a full apology and signs of real contrition. You're absolutely right. He weaponised what you had told him - sharing the feelings of rejection sensitivity makes you feel very vulnerable, and he viciously used it against you. I hope he can calm down and see that, and he makes sure to never do it again.

PS. The hole in the wall was NOT your fault. Any reasonable human being could see that.

He’s probably just using your insecurity against you which is really mean spirited and unacceptable. And sounds like some projection if you say he doesn’t socialise himself.

That's really viscous behaviour from your DH, OP.

He's picked your vulnerability and used it to hurt you.,

It could have been any other thing in a different relationship- 'no wonder your mum didn't love you, no wonder you can't find clothes to fit, no wonder you left uni',.

It's a low low thing to do.

Try to see it as a him problem, not you.

Your husband is an utterly shit. What a vile thing to say. There no council.house in the UK without child-made dings & it really isn't that difficult to fix (ready made filler, bit of paint or paper or stick a bit of your child's art over the hole!) But far more important is your husband's disgusting attitude. He picked the cruellest thing to say to you. He's taking out his inadequacies on you. He's a nasty bully.

PS: our house still has a number of doors that show lovely memories of DS punching them during very difficult late teen years.

I've put pictures over them!!

Houses are subject to wear and tear. Especially par for the course with ND children.

I used to sometimes feel envious of family units when I first split with daughters dad. Now when I read here I think thank god for my peaceful home life wouldn’t swap it for all the tea in China. Unless I met a wonderful man of course

That’s really horrible. He said that purely to hurt you as we all know that sort of comment digs deep. I know that when someone said that to me I still think about it. I don’t actually bother keeping in touch with that person strangely.
He has also used what you have told him in confidence and needing support against you-that seems like he is harbouring a deeper dislike that you may not be able to come back from.

So he knows it really hurts you

he knows that and uses it against you with the express intention to really hurt you very personally

who needs enemies when you’re married to someone like this OP?

I bet if you didn’t react and just shrugged it off - he would stop saying it because it didn’t seem to cause the pain he is actively looking to cause you