DH said “no wonder no one speaks to you”

[Bigjamsandwich]

Fight with DH earlier. DH had been out with DS1 while I was home with DS1 who is autistic/non verbal. DS had managed to pick a hole in our living room wall by picking bits of the plaster off, I was out the kitchen making him lunch and washing up and didn’t realise what he had done. DH goes mad when he comes home and says we will lose our home (we have a council house) and that I never watch him. We got into a fight, it’s virtually impossible to watch DS all the time and he’s got up to plenty of mischief/caused destruction on DHs watch. He blames me for the destruction that DS causes, however it’s a different story if I’m out and DH is responsible.

DH said mid argument that “it’s no wonder no one speaks to me” I have social anxiety and am on the pathway for an adhd/possible autism diagnosis. I’ve opened up to him about my feelings socially/rejection sensitivity etc and it feels like he’s used my insecurities as a weapon. It’s massively triggering and reminds me of a party where a boy (a long time ago) as I was leaving the party shouted loudly in front of everyone “Are you leaving because no one is taking to you?” I was so embarrassed and it sounds ridiculous but this memory comes up often and makes me feel ashamed. 😢

For context DH has no social life and it’s been years since he’s socialised outside of the house.

He has no friends because no-one likes him, because he is a nasty bully.

You can do better - ditch him.

Yes he took your insecurities that you shared with him and used them against you. I wouldn't trust him with your feelings anymore if he's going to use them against you

So when your son is destructive on your watch, it’s your fault. When he’s destructive on your H’s watch, it’s your fault. When he’s generally destructive, it’s your fault?

Your husband is a prick.

As pp said he's a bully. Call him out on it.

@ChristmasCrumpet op said IN the wall not THROUGH the wall. Stop exaggerating.

@Bigjamsandwich I would suggest next time he does it, staying calm, look him right in the eye and saying 'ahh I was waiting for this, weaponising my insecurities against me just to try and win a totally unrelated argument ..... nice. '
Don't get into an argument about it, stay calm and pull him up on it every time. He'll look and feel like a total pick.

I divorced my husband of 22 years because of a affair, however, although I thought I was fairly happy until the affair, looking back, he said this sort of thing a lot, in arguments, using my vulnerabilities to put me down. It is not the behaviour of someone who loves and respects you, and over the years undermines your mental health even more. Marriage is supposed to be a mutual support system, and he is not being supportive.

Hello my lovely
Couldn't read this and not post.
Your DH is not the man for you.
Anyone who uses your insecurities to beat you down is not part of a loving relationship.
Cast him off and enjoy your preferred level of social interaction, share the parenting and use your free time to pursue what makes you happy.
Whether you get a diagnosis or not, you deserve better.

I agree men like this are horrible. I’ve experienced it and getting out of it is the best thing I ever did for my mental health. Don’t let anyone disrespect you like this have enough self love to walk away you won’t regret it. He will get worse as he gets older these miserable parasites always do.

How awful. You deserve better than him. 💐

If you read the threads from women living with undiagnosed or diagnosed men with adhd or autism - you will get a sense of your DH's frustration. Most threads say to leave the spouse if their issues impact you or your life in any way so that is the advice your DH would get if he posted.

It was an unkind comment but it sounds like he is under a lot of stress with a child and a wife with ongoing challenges.

I had one of those. He found out my Achilles heel (the same as yours) because I told him about it and then he used to make stuff up to hurt me.

That man is abusive

He’s admitted he says things he doesn’t mean. Blame you for things that could easily happen in his watch. Using things against you that you’ve shared in confidence.

All of this is him behaving in a childish manner. It’s not on you, not deserved and you must push back on him ever time. He’s behaving like a child rather than your partner.