Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this normal?

26 replies

Rosie97 · 12/08/2023 10:48

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 9 months. He’s lovely and, before him, I’ve had my fair share of cheaters, liars and manipulators.

Before we were together, he went on a date with another girl whilst dating me. Problem was later on in the relationship he said I was the only one he’d dated that year. I found out via a friend and he’d lied about it.

Other than this, in our whole relationship, he’s given me no reason to doubt him. Because of my history I always assume the worst and I worry he’s cheating. OCD has been discussed with my GP, for example my compulsion would be to check his phone to confirm he’s not, and then I’d want to do it again later down the line.

However we’re 27 and he’s never on his phone around me. He says he values time with me and he chooses not to be on his phone. As soon as I leave the room he’s on it, and if I ask what he’s up to he’ll say BBC sport or a game.
If he shows me something on his phone, he’ll do it quite quickly and then just swipe the app up and lock his phone again. When I confronted him he said he didn’t realise he did this, and it’s his decision to decide he doesn’t want to be on his phone around me because he wants to enjoy my company.

He doesn’t post very much, rarely takes pictures of me and I just know I’ll never be in his profile picture (but his exes have).

is this normal?

OP posts:
GalileoHumpkins · 12/08/2023 10:51

Before we were together, he went on a date with another girl whilst dating me
That makes absolutely no sense. It's not normal to be so obsessed with someone else's phone use no.

JibbaJab · 12/08/2023 10:57

It might be a case of what I do, where I don't sit on my phone because I think it's rude and I'm wanting to be with them as that's more important.

Sometimes if they go off to do something I may quickly check my phone to see if anything is occuring and then come off it when they return. So for me it's nothing bad it's just a oh they're back put it back and resume.

mondaytosunday · 12/08/2023 11:06

'Dating' implies an ongoing thing, he may not consider one date as dating, so in that respect you are the only girl he's dated that year.
As for the phone thing? It's not normal for you to be so suspicious. It's entirely normal for someone to close an app and phone in the company of others.

DojaPhat · 12/08/2023 11:21

It sounds like you've worked yourself up to a point which you're analysing every single little thing. What you describe isn't normal in that it's not normal to assess everything to the point you no longer know what to think/feel/believe. It's no way to live. You might find you're better off out of the relationship if his behaviour causes you to distrust him. It's not clear that he's actually done anything wrong, but if you feel like he doesn't love you as much as he should or treat you the way you feel you should be treated then he's not the one for you. It's not healthy to feel aggrieved that you will never be on his Instagram or Facebook or whatever but a girlfriend he had in 2008 or whatever was.

BodenCardiganNot · 12/08/2023 11:22

I think he should see the red flags you are waving in his face and he should end the relationship.

Original poster
Rosie97 · 12/08/2023 11:57

I meant is it normal for someone to completely avoid their phone when with you

OP posts:
Rosesroseseverywhere · 12/08/2023 12:01

Yes it's perfectly normal to ignore your phone when with other people and indeed surely is to be encouraged?

I'm saying this kindly though, your behaviour isn't normal and perhaps you should be looking for some counselling.

IglesiasPiggl · 12/08/2023 12:01

I am not generally on my phone when in the company of others. That's just common courtesy surely. You do sound very insecure.

VeridicalVagabond · 12/08/2023 12:05

I think it's lovely that he keeps his phone away when he's with you, it's respectful and so bloody rare these days, I'm absolutely sick of having conversations with the backs of people's phones.

Respectfully, the only person showing red flags here is you. He sounds great.

10HailMarys · 12/08/2023 12:12

Rosie97 · 12/08/2023 11:57

I meant is it normal for someone to completely avoid their phone when with you

I’d certainly avoid being on my phone around someone if, every time I used my phone, they asked me what I was doing and made me show them my screen to prove it. Jeez.

DojaPhat · 12/08/2023 12:18

I think it's slightly disingenuous to say not using your phone around others is just basic manners. Even a cursory glance through the Relationships board will show that behaviour around phone use can be indicative of an affair.

Fidgety31 · 12/08/2023 12:41

My ex used to switch his phone off when with me - so the other girls he was cheating with couldn’t message /ring - so I wouldn’t find out about them .

so I would now find it suspicious yes if someone didn’t use their phone at all whilst in my company . I would think they are worried I might see something they don’t want me to see

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 12/08/2023 12:49

Your behaviour sounds incredibly unhealthy.

Why does he have to show you what he's doing on his phone?

Ducklake · 12/08/2023 12:51

If you don’t feel you can trust him and you’ve got questions and doubts 9 months in then either:

You’re right, and he is not the one for you or

You have trust issues and are better out of a relationship at the moment while you find support to work on yourself.

redskytwonight · 12/08/2023 12:52

Rosie97 · 12/08/2023 11:57

I meant is it normal for someone to completely avoid their phone when with you

Is it normal for someone spending time with you to not do something that means they are ignoring you?

Yes, this is totally normal.

It seems that your history has left you with a distrust of being treated well!

redskytwonight · 12/08/2023 12:56

DojaPhat · 12/08/2023 12:18

I think it's slightly disingenuous to say not using your phone around others is just basic manners. Even a cursory glance through the Relationships board will show that behaviour around phone use can be indicative of an affair.

OP says he is never on his phone when she is around. This sounds like consistent behaviour and more likely to be indicative of good manners than an affair. If he used to be on his phone lots and has changed, you might have more of a point.

Pinkdelight3 · 12/08/2023 13:00

You need help to address your own issues, not fuel to fan the flames of your suspicions. You're only 9 months in. It shouldn't be like this. Get help and let him be, or end it.

DojaPhat · 12/08/2023 13:00

redskytwonight · 12/08/2023 12:56

OP says he is never on his phone when she is around. This sounds like consistent behaviour and more likely to be indicative of good manners than an affair. If he used to be on his phone lots and has changed, you might have more of a point.

Show quote history

As soon as I leave the room he’s on it, and if I ask what he’s up to he’ll say BBC sport or a game. If he shows me something on his phone, he’ll do it quite quickly and then just swipe the app up and lock his phone again.

I don't think this relationship is built on a solid foundation of any meaningful sort. But my point was more in a general sense rather than in this specific situation.

ntmdino · 12/08/2023 13:04

Before we were together, he went on a date with another girl whilst dating me. Problem was later on in the relationship he said I was the only one he’d dated that year. I found out via a friend and he’d lied about it.

Question: did he lie, or did he just forget because - now that he's with you - details like that aren't really important in his mind? That's very common with guys, so the modern obsession with mistaking isolated lapses in concentration or recall for deliberate lies causes all sorts of problems...exactly like this.

Original poster
Rosie97 · 12/08/2023 19:28

He lied, he said he didn’t tell me about them because he didn’t want to upset me

i think in general he’s not really a social media user or a picture taker but it makes me sad

OP posts:
autienotnaughti · 13/08/2023 06:44

So there's two possibilities-

1, he's not much of a phone user and when he's with you he wants to be with you.

2, he's having an affair /dating other people and keeps his phone out of sight so you don't find out.

Is there any suspicious behaviour, when you are not together do you ring each other? Do you have reason to think he's not where he says he is? Does he have opportunity /time to cheat?

The best thing you could do is talk to him about your fears and see what he says. But you have to question if you don't trust him and being in a relationship with him makes you sad is this the right relationship for you?

PinkButtercups · 13/08/2023 06:58

You need to stop snooping on his phone and in the kindest way possible, you're the problem here.

Original poster
Rosie97 · 13/08/2023 07:49

He drives around on his own for work (delivery), but sometimes he’ll leave me voice notes of funny stories/ring me to say hello on lunch. I don’t feel like he has time tbh

OP posts:
PensAndPapers · 13/08/2023 07:52

Rosie97 · 12/08/2023 11:57

I meant is it normal for someone to completely avoid their phone when with you

Would you rather he spent your dates glued to his phone, ignoring you?

WaltzingWaters · 13/08/2023 08:00

My partner and I are rarely on our phones when together. Only when we actually need to look something up/reply to a message. Or on an occasion if we’re watching something and one of us really isn’t that interested part way through we may browse/play games etc. But we also both know each others passcode and will use each other’s phone without asking if we need to look at something, there’s no suspicion/doubt there.
My DP also isn’t one for taking lots of photos or posting to sm, but that goes for in general, not just when it comes to me. Does he post many pictures of other things/people?
It could be completely normal and that’s just him. It could be suspicious.