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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have a 10 year old, 8 year old and… a newborn??

81 replies

SconesOrScones · 12/08/2023 08:14

DH and I would both love to have another child. We have two daughters already who are 10 and 8. We don’t know anyone IRL with this sort of age gap so would be interested to hear from anyone who has this age gap and can tell us how it has worked for their family.

Would it be unreasonable of us to have another with our existing children being older?

OP posts:

Squash24 · 12/08/2023 08:31

I don’t think it would be unreasonable. If you have the money, space etc then go for it.

My friend has a 11 year old DD, 14 year old DS and an almost 1 year old DS after they decided they wanted one more. They did talk to the kids first to check how they’d feel, remind them they won’t be expected to be babysitters etc. The dynamic is quite nice, the kids are all close and play together. The youngest also has remarkable speech and I’m sure it’s because of being surrounded by adults and older kids all the time! But obviously the older kids want to do their own thing, so my friend makes sure the youngest goes to nursery most days of the week to ensure he gets interaction with children his own age.

I suppose just remember that in 8 years you might have a kid coming home late from a night out and waking up your youngest! You also might have the same child going off to university which could leave a 6/7 year old a little upset, so might need to put extra effort into making sure there’s contact/a relationship etc. But this is just me searching for problems!

BrawnWild · 12/08/2023 08:35

My cousin has this age gap. It's nice because there is no competition. Older child felt a little sidelined at some points when the other child was a a baby and had more direct care needs but no rivalry or the sort of thing you get with smaller gaps. Easy to still facilitate older child going to clubs and seeing friends.

Older child voluntarily wanted to help but and had to be reminded she wasnt the baby's mum when she sometimes said the baby should/shouldn't do or have something!

BrawnWild · 12/08/2023 08:37

Oh and the cousin also had an older sibling with a 10 ten gap and they are very close, went out together in their late teens/20s, were great aunties to each others kids, babysit for eachother and holiday and gonshoppig together as adults. If one's to have a second, it's the age gap I would aim for. Good luck and enjoy! X

AnaBananas · 12/08/2023 08:40

My cousin has this age gap also, and she loves it. She even went on holiday recently with the baby.

AnaBananas · 12/08/2023 08:41

AnaBananas · 12/08/2023 08:40

My cousin has this age gap also, and she loves it. She even went on holiday recently with the baby.

And the other children of course!

Tarantallegra · 12/08/2023 08:43

I was 9 when my brother was born and I loved it. I was old enough to be trusted to hold and feed him and had a great relationship with him. I'm sure that made my mum's life a bit easier too. Everyone I know with this sort of age gap has similar experiences with really hands on kids, it's lovely to watch. I think the age gap is really the less important thing and it's more important to think about how you feel doing it all again. If you feel like you have the energy and patience then go for it. Most people I know that don't have this sort of age gap make that decision because they really would like to get some sleep!

shivawn · 12/08/2023 08:43

This was my family, when I was 10 my younger sisters were 8 and under 1. I never thought it was strange, although I left home for college at 17 when my youngest sister was still very young and never went back so I'm not particularly close to her as an adult now.

Shadowchaser · 12/08/2023 08:46

I have a 7yo and two babies.

There are many pros, the relationship between them is lovely. However, it’s so hard to find things for them to do together so the 7yo often gets dragged to baby things or the babies have to be stuck in the pram if we go to older activities. I’ll also be doing the school run forever!!

Trusttheprocess1 · 12/08/2023 08:46

I have an 8 year age gap between my 2. They are really close, even now the youngest is 13. The eldest loved it when DD2 was small, got really irritated when she was about 8-10 and now enjoys her company! You do end up running around everywhere for a few years, as you juggle clubs and lift for their very different interests!

Gerrataere · 12/08/2023 08:48

I had a ‘surprise’ sibling at around 12 and I’m afraid I found it awful. Going into the teen years with a toddler who was into everything, couldn’t really have friends around, there never felt like there was time to ‘chill’ at home during these years, was expected to go on family days out but they had to be catered around the youngest, expected to ‘help out’ when I honestly didn’t want to and never asked to be a glorified babysitter. Honestly I couldn’t wait to leave for uni, exhausting 5 years and not close to said sibling now unfortunately.

But I’m sure many people have had very positive experiences of similar situations.

yikesanotherbooboo · 12/08/2023 08:48

I had this gap. When DC3 was little the older ones were helpful and loved having a little brother to play with and carry about. It was a different life as my older ones always had someone to play with and I was 10 years younger when they were small so didn't really find it tiring. LO had to spend a lot of time in the car on school run, watching sports etc. He was more dependent on me than the others as they had each other and more freedom.He generally had to fit in and tag along. He didn't have an automatic playmate when he was say, 4-8 and they were 8/10 years older.The childcare issue was only just subsiding when he came along so the length of time that my salary almost all went on childcare was very long! We had to alter the house to create space ; my baby stuff was still around as my DSis had been having DC in the intervening years so apart from a car seat I didn't have to get anything.They are all grown up now and very close. He has enhanced all our lives.

Peony654 · 12/08/2023 08:48

No experience but your oldest will be soon needing more emotional support as they start secondary, puberty etc, so I’d be mindful of how you will ensure the existing kids get sufficient attention and support. A newborn is so consuming

Vallmo47 · 12/08/2023 08:48

I have two older brothers, 9 and 11. I was a surprise baby shall we say. My mum did everything in her power to be the best mum in the world and I had a good childhood, solely down to her. My brothers were always at very different stages of their lives which is understandable. I was kept away when they had friends round and got the blame for absolutely everything. 😂 I’m not close to my brothers, they’ve always treated me like an unwelcome add on. With such a large age gap, be prepared that your youngest will feel like an only child. Nothing wrong with that, I wanted for nothing, but I wonder what life would have been like with siblings closer in age.
And I’m so sorry to be the person to say this, but I lost my mum when I was only 25 and after that I’ve lost touch with almost the entire family as she was the glue who held us together. If the unexpected happened, would your older daughters be prepared to become “little mum”? This is what would run through my head based on my experience. Having said that, anyone could be gone at anyone point so don’t let that scare you off - what I’m saying is that it’s great you are thinking this through carefully.

Vallmo47 · 12/08/2023 08:49

Meant to say 9 and 11 years older obviously!

0021andabit · 12/08/2023 08:53

I have two older ones - not as quite as big as the gaps you've said, they were 8 and 5 when the littlest was born - and it's absolutely gorgeous. They adore the little one - he's bigger now but still v much the baby and they look after him really well. No age gap guarantees harmony between kids. If you want another one, go for it!

Summertime109 · 12/08/2023 09:01

I do (altho 11 and 9 and 10 months now). it was a surprise baby.

I’ve found it very hard. The baby is hard work (rubbish sleep, into everything). I constantly feel stretched thin and that I don’t do anything well. I have little time for me and my hobby.

On the flip side, the baby is a lot of fun and we all love him very much! The big kids love him and miss him loads when at their Dads. They love playing with him and he loves them so much - his whole face lights up when they come home. He is the absolute last baby so grandparents love mucking in.

Houselamp · 12/08/2023 09:04

Not me but my best friend was one of the older children in that age gap, her and her sister were 11 and 9 when their brother was born.
For the most part she loved it, was old enough to remember and enjoy her brother as a baby as she loved playing with him when he was little. She said its helpful as adults because he needs a fair bit of support in his life and their parents are now older, he has two grown sisters with settled lives who he can rely on.

The only downside was she says it was as if in a way, they lost the parents they would have had for their teens and 20s. Mostly because her and her sister had always been close and enjoyed the same activities due to their close age but instead of getting to do more grown up activities with their parents as they grew up, things like going out for a meal, or bowling or the cinema if they wanted to be together as a family they were back in softplay or the farm.
She was happy to and would never have complained but would probably have benefitted from some time where her brother visited family for the day and she and her sister could have had time with their parents epecially when they were about 15/17 and he was 6. I knew her then and he was sweet but everything was centred on him as he was the baby. But I think that might be a parent attitude thing rather than just the fault of the age gap

itsgood2talk · 12/08/2023 09:04

Hi, I have exactly this age gap. It's worked perfectly for us. No rivalry and the older one are a real help and love spending time with the youngest (he's 2 now). Honestly the age gap was the best decision we made.

jeaux90 · 12/08/2023 09:07

I was the youngest in this age gap, I loved growing up in my family.

Mamai90 · 12/08/2023 09:13

My friend has children born in 2000, 2001 and 2009. They all have a great bond.

Another has twins and then and 8 year gap between them and her DS.

BB2818 · 12/08/2023 09:16

So pleased I came across this thread. I have a DC who will be 8 when second DC will arrive. Lovely to read all the positives of a bigger age gap.

strawberry2017 · 12/08/2023 09:37

I think you are massively underestimating how hard it would be to start all over again now.
The relationships between your children will be massively different. Going from having the independence you have now to the baby stage again is going to be a big shock to the system.
I don't think it's unreasonable but I think you need to seriously think if it's the right decision for your family.

missnevermind · 12/08/2023 09:37

My youngest are 12 and 14. The eldest are 25 and 23. I never felt as though I had 4 children. I had 2 children and then I had 2 children again. Age gap was really good but I was starting to slow down myself as I was 40 when the youngest was born.
Also be prepared for the assumptions that the younger ones have a different father to the older ones.
My 23yo and 14yo have a great relationship and often spent the day together in the city centre trawling game shops.
My eldest is now a teacher and taught year 6 when his sister was in year 7 which he found really funny.

ILookAtTheFloor · 12/08/2023 09:45

I have two DDs aged 12 and 7, 7yo turns 8 in November and I'm 38 weeks pregnant with number 3, a boy this time! Both are excited and will also be a big help to me 😉 when he's here- so I say go for it! Mine are spread out as I did have my eldest very young- I'm 36 now. All with DH.

VisionsOfSplendour · 12/08/2023 09:49

I'm really surprised that you don't know anyone with a span of ages of their children, it's not at all uncommon ime

But, like all age gaps it's impossible to predict how it's going to turn out, your family dymanics and children are unique

I have a friend who hated when a 10 year younger sibling came along but equally know families where all the children get on great

My advice would be not to make your decision based on other people's experience

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