To have a 10 year old, 8 year old and… a newborn??

[SconesOrScones]

DH and I would both love to have another child. We have two daughters already who are 10 and 8. We don’t know anyone IRL with this sort of age gap so would be interested to hear from anyone who has this age gap and can tell us how it has worked for their family.

Would it be unreasonable of us to have another with our existing children being older?

My main concern would be finding activities and days out that everyone is happy with. Things that your older children will enjoy doing may not be possible or may be difficult to take a baby/toddler along to. But that's hardly insurmountable if you really want another child.

I mean think ahead to five years time...your eldest kids will be 15/13...you will be concentrating on helping them through their GCSE years. Your own life will also be more your own and a lot easier...lay ins at the weekend and time for your own hobbies. If you add a five year old into the mix... you'll still be doing the primary school run, dealing with reading books, soft play and weekends stuck at kids parties. Do you want that? Maybe you do? I know it would be my worst nightmare but that's just me.

We had a third when the DC were 10 and 13. I always wanted a third and it took DH a long time to agree.

it is great and I wouldn’t change it. The newborn phase was the ease of a second baby but without a toddler - and I loved it. The little one is now 7 and an absolute joy. I am very relaxed about her childhood issues. It’s trivial compared to the teenagers. We do every now and then imagine the independence we’d have without her, but I would not change anything. She is a joy. Her brothers adore her. They adore my attention on her and not them 😅.

I have this and have really enjoyed it. My 3 DC are grown up now and incredibly close.
I think having money makes it easier, for example I could put my youngest in nursery for a few hours and do an activity with the others. Also I did a lot of Mark Warner holidays which are great if you have an age gap. Also I think it would be easier if the DC all have a bedroom each and ideally an extra reception room too.

Friends of mine are about to do something similar. They have an 11 year old, an 8 year old, and she's due to have another baby in about 3 months.

From what she's said, I think it was a bit of a surprise!

Follow on… the casualty of the big age gap is my career. It likely would have recovered from the first round of early childhood but it won’t recover this second round. I’ll have kids under 10 for 23 years. It’s a great joy but I will have a middling career and a subsequently lesser pension.

The kids are all thriving. The oldest did not suffer the youngest. Probably they benefited because my attention remained at home and not on my career, which would have required a lot of travel or a relocation to grow. But I struggle a bit with my lack of success.

Husbands career is unaffected.

If you’re both on board, go for it.

Personally, I’d hate to start all over again

That’s very similar to the age gaps in my family, with me being the youngest of the three. It never seemed weird or anything when I was growing up.

Obviously your youngest isn’t going to be playing with their older siblings like they would if they were close in age, and by the time they’re about 8 or 9 they’ll probably be the only one still coming on family holidays etc. My siblings had both moved out by the time I was 12. But to be honest, I liked that! I had some of the benefits that an only child would have and some of the benefits of siblings so it all worked out well enough. I liked having siblings that were much older.

My friend has similar (we both have new babies now , mine is mg first, its so fun!!) and her older kids ADORE both babies- they will be amazing big siblings (and babysitters when older!)

If you want a baby and you're not thinning 'we've finally got our lives back!' then go for it!

I can't give you a parents perspective as there's "only" 6 years between mine. But as the youngest of 3 with similar age gaps (a few more years between the first two) I can tell you it was bliss! I had my elder siblings but also had loads of time with my parents to myself as the elder ones had left home by the time I was 10.
Now we are all in our 40s and 50s, we are as close as can be and have been since I was probably late teens. We all adore each other and are best friends.
There is never any guarantees that siblings are going to get on regardless of the age gap so it always surprised me that people assume those close in age will be best friends while those with a larger gap won't.

I completely disagree.

I’ve got a 7 year age gap and found the baby stage so much easier second time round. And so far, the toddler stage has been easier too.

Not only am I now more experienced, I’m older and more able to trust my instincts. Plus, I am now well adjusted to my time not being mine.

I don’t really feel pulled between my children in the way that I would with a smaller gap - my eldest had my undivided attention when she was young; but the age of 5-7ish she gradually became more independent, so I was able to focus on the baby. That wouldn’t be possible with say, a two year age gap - at 2, my daughter still needed a lot of time with me, and if I had my son at that point I’d definitely not be able to meet both their needs in the way I can with a big gap.

These are the exact ages that my brother (8) & I (10) were when my sister was born, and it was awesome. We were old enough to look after ourselves to a certain extent, and we spoiled and fussed our sister so much! The only thing that I would consider, is that by the time my sister was 10, we were both adults living away from home, so she grew up quite a lot like an only child.

I think provided you have the energy to go through the newborn phase again without it taking away from your older children, and you have the space and money to do so, and you don’t expect your older kids to be babysitters (unless they want to for some pocket money) - it’s a great age gap. The older kids will be responsible and independent enough that it shouldn’t be too stressful.

Eight years between my daughters.. eldest thought she had a real live dolly to play with.. helped with bathtime.. changing nappies..loved pushing her in the pram.. choosing her outfit for the day.. was easy enough getting baby ready on a morning to walk eldest to school.. They are now 38 and 30 and best friends.. been going out together and shopping and weekends away etc scince their teens. Both now have children and the cousins adore each other.

I was the eldest in this scenario. I’ve purposefully stopped at 2 kids close in age.

As PP mentioned, I emotionally lost my parents during my teen years. Just left to get on with it, everything focused on the baby, parents stretched too thin. Benign neglect really. I was loved and cared for, but my emotional needs weren’t met and I had too much responsibility at home.

If you asked my parents they’d probably say it was all fine, but it wasn’t. I actually think it’s really selfish to do it on purpose.

I cannot think of anything worse than leaving the baby/toddler/pre school age behind by a good few years only to go right back to it, but this time with 2 pre teens in tow. But everyone is different I suppose.

What a ridiculous comment your last sentence is. Of course it isn’t. Just because your parents neglected your needs; doesn’t mean all children do. Maybe your kids will grow up intentionally avoiding being close in age because neither of them feel like they got enough 1:1 time?

I was the eldest of my brother and sister, with a 9 and 7 year gap between us. My relationship with them both is very good, perhaps due to the lack of competition, but as an adolescent my parents had no time for me; I always had to adapt to the needs of the youngest and this meant frequent babysitting and no taking or collecting to activities of my choice ever.

I have this age gap and it’s amazing! My 9 year old can help a bit, especially keeping baby entertained but also is independent enough to understand when she can’t have my time or attention. It’s nice you have two older ones to occupy each other too. I think you can regret not having a baby but you’ll never regret doing it with all the love and joy he/she will surely bring!

@Newname211 yes they may well do. Knowing how I was parented has absolutely influenced how I parent my own. I purposefully give them 1:1 time because I didn’t get it.

I stand by my point that having more kids than you can emotionally and financially manage is selfish.

I can't think of anything worse. Really not fair on your existing kids either., seems selfish, just after a new baby. I would hate to be starting high school and a newborn screaming in the house. It's bad enough living next door to one! I would get a dog instead.

Perfectly normal though to be feeling like you're not done - and also so much cute stuff around now that simply wasn't 10 years ago (mine are 10 and 9) .

Also, how will DH feel if you pop out another girl? I'm betting anything he's willing to 'give it a go' to have a boy.

If that's what you both want, do it. Other people's experiences are never going to be the same as yours.

I was 9 when my brother was born (I'm now 65!) and I already had a brother 3 years older. Neither my younger brother nor I have much to do with the older one, who we are convinced is a changeling (our theory is that Mum was given the wrong baby to bring home from hospital!) but younger brother and I are VERY close indeed and I'm also very close to his family.

Mind, when I went off to university when he was 9, he suffered a great deal from my absence.

That sounds more to do with the failing of your parents than the age gap.
Meeting teenage emotional needs is really hard regardless of the family dynamic.

My eldest sibling was a teenager when I was born and would not say the same as you.

IMO that isn’t an age gap thing though. I think my kids both have more 1:1 time than more closely aged siblings. My eldest got undivided attention until she was at school age; and stays up 1hr beyond him each night. My youngest still gets undivided attention all day when eldest is at school.

It sounds like you had a crap upbringing and a smaller age gap probably wouldn’t have helped that.

I fully agree on the last point. Part of the reason I had a large gap was so I could be more emotionally present (because by then I was less tired and parenting my eldest was getting easier!) and I could afford to have a long maternity leave without decreasing the quality of life my eldest had. And actually, I think my eldest really benefitted more from my long maternity leave than the baby did, I got to really enjoy being with my eldest too!

it was just the sweeping statement you made about large gaps being selfish that irked me.

I agree with the comments about being there for the older ones when they are teenagers. Never underestimate how much a teenager needs you emotionally.
Their emotional needs are much more complex and difficult to resolve than those of a three year old where all it needs is a hug and a kiss to make everything better.