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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this blocking ok?

28 replies

Littlesunshine22 · 11/08/2023 22:49

I've been seeing someone since January. He has two kids, I have one. He's the first person I've met through online dating that I've felt really comfortable with, our values aligned, we have loads of fun and sexual chemistry.

But over the last couple of months, he's made it clear he's not sure where he was at and I was fine with that for a while cos I was just happy to meet someone nice and that added joy to my life. But since then, it's become very unbalanced, and I've constantly felt like I've been the one chasing him. He's been leaving my house at 3am to go home saying that it's cos of his kids which I kind of understood but I felt pretty shitty.

A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned I'd had a shit day, and he told me that he couldn't be my emotional support. But then days later, I was on holiday and he text me to ask for advice and support as his son has been diagnosed with OCD. I just felt like he constantly sets the parametres.

He won't have any discussion about what we are or emotions, even to relay bad news. I'm not particularly after a formal status but I do want some communication about what to expect.

Anyway, It came to a head when I got back from holiday and he left again at 3am and I said stay, it's fine cos his kids were with their mum, but he left again and I just felt like crap waking up in the morning.

I've just now deleted his number and blocked him not cos I don't want a difficult conversation but cos I'm not sure he deserves an explanation anymore and because I know if he's able to contact me, I'll just keep this going cos I really fancy him.

But I hate ghosters and Ive been ghosted and feel really conflicted about whether I'm just a hypocrite. One day I'd like to actually be friends with him as it's so rare in your late thirties to meet someone you have such a lovely time with. But if I see him now, I'll just want to sleep with him.

Do you think this is ok or am I a crap hypocrite?

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 11/08/2023 22:52

Ghosting people is shitty. It doesn’t mean you owe him a lengthy explanation either, you aren’t even official. Just end it, say it’s not working for you, and then block him.

BananaSlug · 11/08/2023 22:53

Doesn’t sound single…

Bananazebra · 11/08/2023 22:55

BananaSlug · 11/08/2023 22:53

Doesn’t sound single…

Exactly what I was thinking I'm afraid.

YoSof · 11/08/2023 22:57

You’re definitely doing the right thing by ended it.

If it makes you feel better, text “I’m sorry this isn’t working out for me and I’d prefer us not to contact one another again. Wishing you the best” and block.

He can’t be your emotional support? Even friends are emotionally supportive to one another through hard times. He’s not the one, and his behaviour is really shitty. You owe him nothing.

Honeyroar · 11/08/2023 22:57

TeaKitten · 11/08/2023 22:52

Ghosting people is shitty. It doesn’t mean you owe him a lengthy explanation either, you aren’t even official. Just end it, say it’s not working for you, and then block him.

I’d agree with this. Just tell him you’ve had enough, it’s clearly not working and you’re ending it. Give yourself the moral high ground. It doesn’t mean you have to explain or discuss anything, you don’t have to reply to anything further. But you’ve been mature and can’t be criticised.
(and I don’t understand why ghosting him means you’ll end up friends further down the line- and anyway, so you need a flaky friend..?)

TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 11/08/2023 23:04

Isn't it a bit pointless as he can just turn up at your house if he can't contact you?.

At least message him something to end it. That you're sick of being treated like a second hand citizen and you deserve much better and much more than he can offer.

Then block him.

Original poster
Littlesunshine22 · 11/08/2023 23:27

Cant really send a message as I deleted his contact...

OP posts:
10HailMarys · 11/08/2023 23:29

He’s been treating you like shit and you owe him absolutely nothing. YANBU.

8990m · 11/08/2023 23:29

I think you did the right thing I would have done the same, doesn’t sound like he was single as harsh as that sounds.
you deserve better!

Clymene · 11/08/2023 23:30

Fuck him.

peakedatseven · 11/08/2023 23:31

I would have let him know that you wanted to end things rather than just blocking. That is ghosting and I don’t really understand why you wouldn’t just tell someone that you don’t want to see them any more before blocking.

dietcokelime66 · 11/08/2023 23:34

I think it’s fine, OP. Men do this all the time. It’s not like he committed to be your boyfriend or partner. He hasn’t been investing in you or treating you the way you want - and he’s being a hypocrite. He may show up at your place so just be prepared. I think you’re doing the best thing by ending it and don’t hold out for being friends because he likely can’t do friendships and will always be wanting something casual with you. Move on, there are plenty more fish in the sea and you should be able to meet a guy who will
commit to you and be happy to be your emotional support.

Startrekkeruniverse · 11/08/2023 23:37

He sounds a prick. And leaving at 3am screams to me that he’s still with the mother of his kids (or someone else) and is just telling her he’s working nights or something.

There would be no need to leave if the kids were actually living separately with their mum.

Sounds like you’ve done the right thing OP x

Symphony830 · 11/08/2023 23:38

I am loving how you took charge of the situation by blocking - and deleting. Woo! Most people don’t have it in them to do this but it sounds like this is really getting to you and their appears to be lots of unanswered questions. This ‘situationship’ no longer suits you - and just appears to suit his needs and what is convenient for him.

I see ghosting as sometimes cruel, but at other times totally okay and the best way of ending something unhealthy or toxic. I don’t view what you have done as ghosting. You have tried to have several conversations with him. Someone who leaves at 3am is not wanting to have a relationship with you or they are unavailable to you. These are his issues - not your’s.

You describe wanting to be friends with him in the future. This thought process has a name - emotional bargaining. You can’t be friends with him. Extracting yourself was the best thing and in the future you’ll feel good to have ended a limiting situation.

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 11/08/2023 23:40

He won't have any discussion about what we are or emotions, even to relay bad news.

I don't think he will be surprised at being blocked. Maybe a little pissed off to realise he needs to train another woman.

becarefulofyourheart · 11/08/2023 23:40

He sounds like a fanny. Usually agree ghosting is poor and often cowardly but you’re doing it to
protect your well-being, which he’s damaging for no (apparent) reason. I don’t have a lot of sympathy for him. If he really really wants to talk, he knows where you live. Onward and upwards.

OnTheRunWithMannyMontana · 11/08/2023 23:43

Symphony830 · 11/08/2023 23:38

I am loving how you took charge of the situation by blocking - and deleting. Woo! Most people don’t have it in them to do this but it sounds like this is really getting to you and their appears to be lots of unanswered questions. This ‘situationship’ no longer suits you - and just appears to suit his needs and what is convenient for him.

I see ghosting as sometimes cruel, but at other times totally okay and the best way of ending something unhealthy or toxic. I don’t view what you have done as ghosting. You have tried to have several conversations with him. Someone who leaves at 3am is not wanting to have a relationship with you or they are unavailable to you. These are his issues - not your’s.

You describe wanting to be friends with him in the future. This thought process has a name - emotional bargaining. You can’t be friends with him. Extracting yourself was the best thing and in the future you’ll feel good to have ended a limiting situation.

Totally agree!

dudsville · 11/08/2023 23:46

I wouldn't be too concerned about cutting contact without a formal ending in this situation. He doesn't like you much, which he's shown. If he contacts you then certainly you can reply to close it down but i wouldn't judge you for reaching out to him just to end it, for him this isn't a relationship.

RantyAnty · 11/08/2023 23:48

It's fine.
Women don't have to be polite and nice to arseholes.

Buffypaws · 11/08/2023 23:49

he has been a twat. You owe him nothing. He deserves a ghosting. As above, you don’t have to be nice to arseholes.

NotAllowed2banAdult · 11/08/2023 23:51

You had an argument about something you'd already differed on so I don't think he will be wondering whyyyyyyyy
It's not going to be very painful situation for him. he dictated all the other terms so I don't think you did anything wrong. It's not like you said "can't wait to see you" and then ghosted him.

Original poster
Littlesunshine22 · 12/08/2023 00:03

THANK YOU ALL! I feel great!

OP posts:
CherryMaDeara · 12/08/2023 00:09

Well done for blocking.

He was a hypocrite anyway, one rule for him and one for you.

People like that don’t deserve closure.

Solonomi · 12/08/2023 00:10

Fuck him!! He’s a player. You owe him no respect, he’s shown you none. Onwards & upwards without this headfuckery.

FrostieBoabby · 12/08/2023 00:19

Don't give him a second thought, sounds like a totally selfish waste of space (and maybe still with his wife, leaving at 3am?).

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