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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Birthday fail

37 replies

Anonymouslyposting · 11/08/2023 20:54

I am fuming and need to be talked down.

It is my birthday. I was woken this morning at 5:40 by the baby, as always. I am co sleeping while “D”H sleeps in the spare room. Checked my emails to find one from the builders saying the project we are having done (which should be finishing next week) is going to take another 6 weeks.

I had told my husband I didn’t want a present from him (I don’t like him spending money on something I probably don’t need or want) but that I’d like something sentimental, possibly involving photos, from the kids. On the kids’ behalf he has got me a flimsy honey twirl and an oil diffuser of the kind I would have bought for £5 when going through my witchy/goth phase at age 15. I haven’t eaten honey except on holiday in Greece in the 14 years we’ve known each other. He had clearly just gone to the nearest shop to his work (he later told me this was what he had done) and picked up a couple of things that he thought he’d get away with, zero thought at all.

It’s not about the money, he earns nearly £200k so has plenty to buy something nice but honestly I’d have been happy enough if he’d just got my three year old to draw me a card. I wanted something that I could keep and would remind me of the kids being so little.

I told him I wasn’t very impressed.

Despite him working from home I didn’t even get a cup of tea in the morning. He did go out and get me a cake at lunchtime which was nice.

My birthday dinner was a takeaway that I ordered and paid for myself, set and cleared the table and shepherded my three year old through. Husband turned up late.

We are not in a great place relationship wise, nothing earth shattering just living separate lives while he’s working and I’m on maternity leave. It would just have been nice to have a bit of fuss made today.

We had made our peace and moved on and then husband sat down to watch TV, looked sulkily at me and then told me I’ve been really horrible to him by telling him I didn’t like the gifts.

I feel like throwing something at him.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 11/08/2023 20:57

Yanbu, a honey drizzler and an oil diffuser are shit gifts from a convenient shop. What did he expect?

HarlanPepper · 11/08/2023 20:58

£200K?! what does he do?

pictoosh · 11/08/2023 20:59

Mind you, you did tell him not to get you a gift. Don't say that...never say that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/08/2023 21:00

We had made our peace and moved on and then husband sat down to watch TV, looked sulkily at me and then told me I’ve been really horrible to him by telling him I didn’t like the gifts.

I know the temptation is to smooth things over and not ruin it any more and be nice and understanding.

But I would lose my living shit. "I didn't like the gifts because you put no effort into buying something I'd like. I even did the thinking for you and told you something sentimental. Failing that you could have ordered something expensive and wonderful but you did neither. You bought me cheap, thoughtless tat. People don't have to be grateful for cheap, thoughtless tat. And you saying you're upset is thoughtless as well. What you mean is that you feel bad because you behaved badly. And you want me, on my birthday, to make it all better so you don't have to feel guilty. But you should feel guilty. Because you were selfish and lazy."

He doesn't get to make you feel bad instead of himself. On your birthday. Twat.

Cake for you.

batsandeggs · 11/08/2023 21:02

If gifts don’t bother you then you absolutely need to be focussing on his lack of general care toward you. Left to deal with the baby at 5.20, couldn’t arse to join you or sort out dinner. I’m taking a guess that he generally doesn’t pull his weight? That’s what I’d be focussing on, and I’d be giving him hell for it. You’re a human who deserves to be cared for, especially on a birthday of all days. Why make your peace with it and sit there miserably? Nah.

Anonymouslyposting · 11/08/2023 21:03

HarlanPepper · 11/08/2023 20:58

£200K?! what does he do?

He’s a lawyer.

OP posts:
batsandeggs · 11/08/2023 21:03

Also just to add - some people are really shit with gifts and literally need to be told and shown exactly what to get. It sucks but is sometimes what you sign up for. But he should WANT to figure it out with you, and make you feel special. Everything else I said about him doing the bare minimum to make you feel special still stands.

Fiddlerdragon · 11/08/2023 21:04

pictoosh · 11/08/2023 20:59

Mind you, you did tell him not to get you a gift. Don't say that...never say that.

Try rereading the thread. She didn’t want him spending money on a gift, but wanted something sentimental from the kids. He could have smeared a bit of paint on the baby’s hands and stuck it on a piece of paper and achieved something nicer than two shit, random items from the closest convenience shop.

Anonymouslyposting · 11/08/2023 21:04

pictoosh · 11/08/2023 20:59

Mind you, you did tell him not to get you a gift. Don't say that...never say that.

Hahaha true, maybe if I’d told him I did want a gift from him he’d have realised I wanted a nice one from the kids rather than thinking I didn’t care.

OP posts:
fruitbowlfern19 · 11/08/2023 21:07

Ditch him and find yourself a real lad, bell my line xx

pictoosh · 11/08/2023 21:10

@MrsTerryPratchett nails it. He doesn't get to feel sorry for himself because he made fuck all effort.

SomewhereWithSomeone · 11/08/2023 21:11

When your partner either doesn’t listen or doesn’t care when you’re asking for very reasonable things, there’s little point in continuing the relationship imo. What’s the point?

You have the power to make next years birthday better.

Happy birthday. 🥳

Anonymouslyposting · 11/08/2023 21:13

@MrsTerryPratchett Thank you, your post made me a bit weepy, I may go and say exactly that!

OP posts:
TregunaMekoides · 11/08/2023 21:14

Anonymouslyposting · 11/08/2023 21:03

He’s a lawyer.

Crikey. For someone with excellent powers of negotiation, attention to detail and critical thinking, it would appear all skills deserted him today!

If things haven't been great, this needs to be a turning point. There's no excuse for this birthday. It sucked. I'm not big on my own birthdays but even I'd be gutted with the day you've had.YANBU

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/08/2023 21:15

Anonymouslyposting · 11/08/2023 21:13

@MrsTerryPratchett Thank you, your post made me a bit weepy, I may go and say exactly that!

Should warn you, I got divorced from my first H. The second one is wonderful on birthdays!

Although the barrister I dated gave great gifts so the occupation isn't a thing.

AdaColeman · 11/08/2023 21:15

You brought the rubbish gifts on yourself, by telling him you didn't want anything for your birthday.
Start asking for serious presents at Christmas and birthdays.

Though it was nice that he got you a cake! 🎂 🍰

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 11/08/2023 21:17

My dh ruined my 40th. He was an exh before I was 41...

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 11/08/2023 21:18

I’m also totally with @MrsTerryPratchett on this. What a thoughtless, awful way to treat you on your birthday. No effort to make you feel special at all.

TregunaMekoides · 11/08/2023 21:19

AdaColeman · 11/08/2023 21:15

You brought the rubbish gifts on yourself, by telling him you didn't want anything for your birthday.
Start asking for serious presents at Christmas and birthdays.

Though it was nice that he got you a cake! 🎂 🍰

Not quite. She said to him she wanted something sentimental. That's not saying she didn't want anything for her birthday.

SomewhereWithSomeone · 11/08/2023 21:23

@AdaColeman your bar seems to be in hell.

OP asked for something sentimental from the kids, possibly involving photos. There are so many things he could have done but he didn’t do any of them. That’s not bringing it on herself. 🙄

AuraBora · 11/08/2023 21:28

Another one here who thinks @MrsTerryPratchett has nailed it in her response.
I would be fuming too and you have absolutely everything right to be. He has put absolutely zero thought and care into making it a nice day for you.

Not to make you feel worse, but to hammer home the point - should you wish to show this thread to your husband - it was recently my birthday and I had also said to my husband not to worry about getting me anything as he usually spends a lot (and always a thoughtful present) and we'd just haemorrhaged money recently.

He got up with the kids (6 and 2), brought me a coffee and a card with a lovely message in it, told me to stay in bed for a bit, which I did. He then took out the (very demanding and non-stop) toddler out for much of the day so I could have a nice quiet time with my 6 year old,reading and drawing. Then in the evening after he put the kids to bed he cooked us a beautiful steak and chips (my favourite). To be fair it was a weekend day but still...

Is this sort of behaviour typical for your DH?

Anonymouslyposting · 11/08/2023 21:36

@AuraBora Sadly it is fairly typical (though this was a particularly bad day). He says he loves me and gets very upset if I say I’m not happy but he doesn’t really do much to try to make me happy. To be fair to him he does work long hours and we are very much in the thick of young children so are both exhausted so romance isn’t top of either of our lists at the moment.

He’s thoughtless in the true sense of the word - he would never intentionally make me sad he just doesn’t think. Not sure if that makes it better or worse.

OP posts:
TregunaMekoides · 11/08/2023 21:40

"He says he loves me and gets very upset if I say I’m not happy but he doesn’t really do much to try to make me happy."

This is such a telling statement. It says he doesn't like it when you don't feel how he wants to you feel (because life is much easier when your spouse is happy), not that he is concerned for your actual feelings.

YakChewCrumbs · 11/08/2023 21:44

Happy Birthday op

AdaColeman · 11/08/2023 21:44

@TregunaMekoides @SomewhereWithSomeone

As the OP says in her first post "I had told my husband I didn't want a present from him...."

Thus giving her husband carte blanche for rubbish presents, no morning tea in bed and a take away for dinner, poor woman.
Let's hope she gets a better birthday next year! 🥂🍾