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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have let her pay for flight change

44 replies

rockete · 11/08/2023 11:51

My sister decided to move her wedding forward by 6 months for various reasons I won't get into. This meant booking the new date with only 3 months notice, and she checked before booking that close family members would be able to make the new date.

Unfortunately we were due to fly back from holiday very late the night before the new wedding date which we had booked some time ago. I was concerned that this would mean if the flight was delayed or cancelled then we might miss the wedding and that even if it wasn't, as we wouldn't get to bed until the small hours our 2 young children who are in the wedding would be exhausted and not cope well with the long day. I told her all this but as they had already paid deposits etc for the original date, this was the only date that would be doable for venue, suppliers etc to all be free.

She offered to pay for new flights for us so we could get back earlier (£300ish) but I found out I could pay to move our original flights for £100. She said multiple times that she was more than happy to pay for this as it was her decision to move the wedding at such short notice. My mum then also offered to pay as part of her contribution to the wedding. I changed the flights and paid the fee as it was all on my credit card, it means we lose a day of our holiday but we don't mind as obviously the wedding is more important.

A couple of months passed and the wedding is now in a month and no one had mentioned the money again. I thought it had ended up in a situation that my sister thought my mum had paid and my mum thought my sister had so I asked if they had discussed it as they had both offered. My mum spoke to my sister and suggested they split it 50/50. My sister ended up transferring the whole £100 to my bank account but accompanied this with a message telling me she's "a little surprised" that she's paying for this as well as she is also paying for my hair and makeup which is nearly £100 and has paid for my bridesmaid dress. She is having 6 bridesmaids and paying for the dress for all of them but only makeup/hair for me and my other sister, the rest are paying for their own. She is not paying for the outfits for child attendants including my 2 if that is relevant.

I was very hurt by her message as feel she is implying I am being grabby, but WABU to let her pay (after she offered several times!) when she is paying for my hair/makeup/bridesmaid dress as well?

OP posts:
Redlarge · 11/08/2023 11:53

She offered. She should pay

Appleblum · 11/08/2023 11:56

I don't think I would have asked my sister for the money back in these circumstances, but YANBU to have asked for it back.

rhino12345 · 11/08/2023 12:00

We had a similar situation - we were living abroad at the time and were due to come home but then SIL booked the wedding two days before we were meant to come back. They paid for us to move the flights as they felt it was important for us to be there. We'd have done the same in a similar situation so no, I don't think it's grabby or whatever, especially if she's offered.

Loulou599 · 11/08/2023 12:01

I think I would have just got on and paid the fee myself tbh

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/08/2023 12:01

She offered - how can she be surprised?

FloweryName · 11/08/2023 12:07

It’s so annoying when brides act like they’re doing their bridesmaids a huge favour by paying for their dresses, hair and make up. Brides pay for these things so they can have their bridesmaids looking the way they want them to look, not as an act of kindness.

You’re fine letting your sister pay for it. If she didn’t want to pay for it she should have let your mum when she offered.

HaIIie · 11/08/2023 12:11

She offered so I'm surprised that she's surprised. However, I'd have sorted this fee myself and just forgot about it. With all what they are paying out it's not worth mentioning. I feel like if I'd have offered all that time ago and then forgot about it, then someone asked me for the money I'd prob think wow! But I wouldn't have sent the nasty message, I'd have just thought it to myself.

Crikeyalmighty · 11/08/2023 12:13

@FloweryName totally agree- since when did it happen that you pay for yourself if a bridesmaid!!

DinnaeFashYersel · 11/08/2023 12:15

Whilst she offered - i would have just paid it it.

I think it's the delay that's really caused the problem.

DinnaeFashYersel · 11/08/2023 12:16

Although I also agree with

It’s so annoying when brides act like they’re doing their bridesmaids a huge favour by paying for their dresses, hair and make up. Brides pay for these things so they can have their bridesmaids looking the way they want them to look, not as an act of kindness.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/08/2023 12:17

I hate it when people use “surprised” or “confused” to describe some thing they are unhappy with. Just say what you mean

TregunaMekoides · 11/08/2023 12:17

As the bride I would have insisted on paying. There is no way you should have been left out of pocket due to having to rearrange your holiday because I rearranged my wedding. As a sibling it's not like you can say "ah well we'll have to miss it".

She offered, she should pay. I suspect she only offered thinking you wouldn't take her up on it and was glad things had quietened down.

ConsuelaHammock · 11/08/2023 12:19

‘I’m a little hurt I will miss a day of my holiday for your wedding’

ElFupacabra · 11/08/2023 12:21

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/08/2023 12:17

I hate it when people use “surprised” or “confused” to describe some thing they are unhappy with. Just say what you mean

Me too. It’s rife on here too.

BoohooWoohoo · 11/08/2023 12:24

Yanbu - you are cutting your holiday short. If she didn't want to pay then she shouldn't have offered. Surprised is also passive aggressive. If she's angry then just say so ffs

As for the dress etc- it's not something that you want, she chose the bits so that the bridesmaids match her in the photos. If she'd picked something that you would have bought anyway then she might have a point but you are doing the bride a favour and didn't have a choice in what you wear.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 11/08/2023 12:25

She caused you to miss a day of your holiday.She should pay.

WaltzingWaters · 11/08/2023 12:26

ConsuelaHammock · 11/08/2023 12:19

‘I’m a little hurt I will miss a day of my holiday for your wedding’

This! Okay probably not as it could cause problems. But no, she shouldn’t have sent you that message.

CurzonDax · 11/08/2023 12:28

she checked before booking that close family members would be able to make the new date.

I told her all this but as they had already paid deposits etc for the original date, this was the only date that would be doable for venue, suppliers etc to all be free.

So, she didn't really check that close family members could make the new date did she, if she had to go with the only date that her venue/suppliers were all free?

I'm not blaming her for choosing the only date that all her suppliers (whom she would have already paid deposits for her original wedding date, and could have lost a lot of money by completely cancelling on them).

I actually think the £100 was a good compromise - she wanted you there, and it could have cost her a lot more than £100 to lose some of her deposits, if she had chosen a date that suited you more, and not her suppliers. It also seems like you tried to get the best deal on the flights as possible (from £300 to £100) for her, and she offered to pay for this.

YANBU.

IfYouDontAsk · 11/08/2023 12:33

I would have to ask her “why are you surprised? You offered to pay and the only reason I changed my flights was to accommodate the new wedding date. I’m also losing a day of my holiday in the process. This is totally separate to the hair and make up. I wish you wouldn’t have offered to pay for the flight change if you were going to get annoyed by me taking you up on the offer.”

PrimalLass · 11/08/2023 12:37

I would have just paid it and not asked, tbh.

ItsJustNotHappening · 11/08/2023 12:38

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing You are absolutely spot on with this. I hate it when people say 'confused' when what they really mean is annoyed/fucked off/unhappy etc.

TimesRwo · 11/08/2023 12:50

How easily can you afford the £100? If it wasn’t an issue, then I would have just swallowed the cost as it isn’t much in the grand scheme of things.

If it was a stretch for you, then seeing as they offered, YANBU.

rookiemere · 11/08/2023 12:53

Some of the responses are good but are only going to escalate matters. I'd just go for something like " Thanks Dsis, appreciate itIt's worth missing a day of our holiday so we're in top fettle for your big day. Now have you decided what colours you're doing for the flowers <or some other non sequitur you have previously been discussing >"

Fupoffyagrasshole · 11/08/2023 13:06

id do my own hair and make up tbh and say she doesn't need to pay for that anymore!

Cherrysoup · 11/08/2023 13:17

She changed the date and offered to pay. Why is she ‘surprised’?